tHeRe aRe ThiNGs tHaT dRifT awAY LiKE oUr ENDLEss NuMBereD dAyS

I can't seem to find a song that matches my song. The one that i just don't want to turn away from. I go through my periods of hearing something that touches me in a way that i can't find comfort in any other song. So i end up listening to this one song for about three or four days straight. I think my record was two weeks, but that was a different time.
Last night was Ted and Natalies joint birthday bash. It was really fun i must admit. I didn't really do anything, but i got to hang out and meet quite a few new awesome people and become better aquainted with others. Shane is a sweetheart and Lucas, oh man, that kid... that's all i have to say about that.
I sat on my driveway for a minute or two after i got home, just thinking. It seems like every night that i come home from work really late at night, i sit on the driveway for just a moment, looking around me and think. It's calming for sure. There is also something that seems so heartbreaking about the driveway so late at night, with this feeling in the air, something very familiar. Maybe that's why i stay out there so long, i just want to know what it is that i am not remembering.
I hope i get accepted to UW. Worse than before. I don't want to settle. I feel like it's where i could belong, where i should be. Listening to an excess of Coldplay makes me think that, don't ask me why. They just have that smooth rocking feel that scream SEATTLE! You know, i think i just figured out that song, it's Kingdom Come. I just like listening to it... it also a mix of Fix you, that too. Not the whole X & Y album, just those for now, later, who knows.
I feel like looking into the sun and walking into it. Just being emersed in that glow of warm. I would love that. That and having my short hair back. I felt like i had more energy back then. Fuck all of this looking elegant or whatever...
I smell like coffee. I heard that was good thing though.
If i could look half as calm as all of the people i have drawn, i think i would be a lot happier right about now... At one point i must have felt that right? Wish i could have it back, just for a while.
I feel like summer never really happend. Not that i have been going to school year round, but i feel like summer wasn't real, i didn't do that much, i didn't do those things. It's also because i didn't listen to any of the music that i listen to right now. My life jumps from spring, hanging out with Kevin and Brandon a lot, listening to Ray LaMontagne and Omnibus, a little Elliot Smith, and then i jumped to Fall listening to a lot of Coldplay, and Crows, and other little things. Doing crazy things like introducing new music to everyone else i know.
I wonder, in the dark moments of the night, what it's going to be like coming back here after i go away to college, wherever that might be. If it's Seattle, who am i going to talk to when i come back to granger, cause i will have to see my Nana at least once. What is it going to be like with the people i know now? How many are actually going to still talk to me then? I feel like Heidi and i will be oddly fine, just not talk much when i am actually at my college. I would have believed that i talked to Brandon everyday, no joke. Now i don't know that i would ever call him when i got back in town. I mean, he wouldn't pick up my call anyway would he? I don't know. just called him, the answer is no. What wouold he and i talk about anyway?
You know i don't care any other time of the day whether or not i ever talk to scott or brandon or really anyone else ever again. Most other times, though, i am busy with my own life. But that reflection time seems really important. Just to stand back look out the window and go, wow, here i am. There they are. What can i do to change that, how much did i really love them? The answers are nothing, and too much.
I can do this.
I didn't know i was doing so well in school. I checked my grades the other day and i somehow felt that i was getting C's, this is not the case. A's mostly i think only two B's. I am fucking shocked. I should be doing worse, this is my senior year and the classes are hard. I don't know what went wrong... And those two B's are ACP classes, so they are really like A's. MMmmm.
I read Dan's blog this morning, i'm sorry, xanga, and it said that he is in love, more so than ever before, and because of that love, he is alive. He has concluded that love is that bane of human existance, it is also the reason that we exist. It's that funny, the hardest part, the thing that sucks about living is also the reason we live. I personally do not think that is the reason we exist. The world is no different in and out of love. True, it makes living more enjoyable, endorphines and such other beautiful things come from love, but it does not change the world. Merely the way that our brain interprets it. That is the key, that little three pounds of matter.
I wonder what it feels like to be that in love, to convince yourself of something you never thought you could. I think those who look on love as non existant are the ones that are the most bitter becuase they wish that they could have that range of emotions. When in love, the highs are so much greater, in turn, the lows are so much lower. Is it really worth that? The swing? I don't really know, i think it truly depends on how much of that high you can have.
If i could die in this moment, i would die a happy person. I got to experience so much out of life. The things i am missing in no way compare to the things that i got to live. I traveled, i saw the places i so desperately wanted. I got exactly what i wanted, i loved and was loved, however brief a period of time. I drove the car i wanted, for as long as i wanted. I stayed out all night, so many times. I kissed the man of my dreams, i laughed until i cried, i listened to Adam live. I met amazing people, people who changed my life, for the better, for the worse, so rare the worse... in fact as i think of it, no one has impacted me in such a negative fashion. What happend was bad, but it was not their fault, they did nothing for which they should apologize to me for. I had such a good life. And in this moment i am truly happy that i lived. I did everything with all of my heart. The mistakes i made, the people i kissed, the people i didn't kiss, the break ups, the make ups, the people who kicked me out of their lives, the people i pushed out of mine. I don't see any of us changning anytime soon. I think this is the way that it is just going to be.
I am forever grateful for the following people, Nana, Brandon, Scott, Dan, Heidi, David, Paul, Deb, Kathryn, Ruby, Evan, Natalie, Caitlin, Ian, Ben, and Chad. Almost exaclty in that order. These are the ones that helped me feel the most. Every type of feeling, all the more i love them. Not to mention all of the songs and artist that made me cry so hard i shook. Or just made me look up at the sky and ponder.
I don't think the people above know how much i needed them, how much they mean. I don't think i'll ever be able to tell them. I know i wrote those letters to Scott and Dan and Brandon. But i don't think they carry the weight that they did so long ago. If i could ask only one more favor of you, read them again. Think of me then if you must. But please, try and keep in mind that it has not changed. The hurt i may have felt, the hope in the needless things, has drifted, and i am as i always was, your friend. You have never ceased to amaze me, the things that make me love you, have not changed. I always had the honor in being your friend.
I am at peace. Remember that, please. And please, remember me. Happily, Fondly, at Halloween, Mistakenly, as In The Dream, My Misery, Seldomly, and Finally.
Ev'ry little ting, is gon be alright.