wHeN i ThiNk of iT, mY fiNgERs tUrN to FiSTs... i nEVeR diD aNyThiNg hUMan
I feel remarkably tranquil at this time of the morning. True it is abut 11:30, but that is still morning in my book.
Last night it was warm and wet. It had that chill, that absolute promise of fall. There was something in the air, a distict scent of somewhere i had been before. I decided to sit in the backseat of my car with my legs curled up under me and look out at the neighborhood.
I've lived here for ten years. It didn't look like this when i moved in. There were mounds of dirt everywhere, and there are houses now, where none even looked like they could fit before. People have moved in, had children, and moved out again. I never thought i would be here for so long, but here i am, still standing.
I filled this empty room with my shit, but i refused to call it home. My home was back on fairmont, i was just borrowing this place to see what it felt like to be a bit wealthier. Little by little, nothing has really changed. There is more stuff here, but i don't have that "i can't imagine sleeping anywhere but my own bed" syndrome. Whenever i go on a trip, i get very comfortable where i am. If i knew the roads better, i would prolly end up staying while. The things that i miss on vacation, are other peoples lives. But, i'm growing out of that. There is no one left in this town who shares a common ideal, who genuinely gives a damn. There are aquaintences, friends that i would miss occasionally, but it would not hinder me from being my anywhere else. I have my bouts with believing that i will go, now is one of those moments that i believe i will go. Having my applications in guidance helps me think that, but it could be something else, we don't know yet.
I feel like i talk down my friends on here a lot. I feel kinda like i will leave the wrong impression of them. I know that they care about me, a lot. But, most of them have so much going on in their own lives they forget to stop, turn, look at me and talk to me. Comments, are a daily occurance, and we know what is going on in eachothers lives, and i do care about them, but i get this strange feeling from half of them. Kind of like, we are only friends because we are the best eachother can do in highschool. We share many of the same interests and activites. The thing i see lacking, and this is such a stupid but meaningful thing to me, we do not share the love of the same music. That has and always will be the thing that connects me to people in school. Because Dan shares the same musical taste with me, i value him more. That and that fact that i think when we talk, it's not to break a silence that the ages have been fighting, i think it's because it may be meaningless to the rest of the world, but not to us, not to me. I can talk with anyone, but it's whether or not i feel like we're speaking to eachother.
I talked to Brandon the other day. He was supposed to come over to talk with me on tuesday, but that didn't end up happening. He stayed after school, and after he neglected to call me, i went to do work on my psych. I got his call at seven so called him back and he was haning out with scott... i guess that means i was replaced. So here we are, a good month later, haven't spoken face to face, haven't talked on the phone, not really, a few chats online, mostly yelling. I feel like whatever i may have been fighting, it won. I feel so beaten about it. I feel so tired about this one thing. I miss having something so constant in my life, but that has been something i have had to adjust to as of late. I am so tired of fighting the odds. I am getting no help from him at all. I throw up my hands and just say, "i give" and then i get so pissed that i'm giving up and he isn't trying that i try again. And i want to give up. Badly. This is such bullshit. I shouldn't be the only one trying. I shouldn't have to do this alone. But that's what it's always about, we are alone.
Look at me here, right now, alone. In my head, there is only me, alone. Walking down the street, driving in my car, i'm alone.
I don't have anything more to say. Maybe just a short overview, the condensed version. I miss Dan, and i woud give anything to go down and see him. I want to go to seattle asap, i think at this moment, it could work. I am tired, hurt, and mad when it comes to Brandon and me not being friends anymore. I wish i could connect more here, to others, but they don't have taste musically. I wish Bryce lived here, really.
Last night it was warm and wet. It had that chill, that absolute promise of fall. There was something in the air, a distict scent of somewhere i had been before. I decided to sit in the backseat of my car with my legs curled up under me and look out at the neighborhood.
I've lived here for ten years. It didn't look like this when i moved in. There were mounds of dirt everywhere, and there are houses now, where none even looked like they could fit before. People have moved in, had children, and moved out again. I never thought i would be here for so long, but here i am, still standing.
I filled this empty room with my shit, but i refused to call it home. My home was back on fairmont, i was just borrowing this place to see what it felt like to be a bit wealthier. Little by little, nothing has really changed. There is more stuff here, but i don't have that "i can't imagine sleeping anywhere but my own bed" syndrome. Whenever i go on a trip, i get very comfortable where i am. If i knew the roads better, i would prolly end up staying while. The things that i miss on vacation, are other peoples lives. But, i'm growing out of that. There is no one left in this town who shares a common ideal, who genuinely gives a damn. There are aquaintences, friends that i would miss occasionally, but it would not hinder me from being my anywhere else. I have my bouts with believing that i will go, now is one of those moments that i believe i will go. Having my applications in guidance helps me think that, but it could be something else, we don't know yet.
I feel like i talk down my friends on here a lot. I feel kinda like i will leave the wrong impression of them. I know that they care about me, a lot. But, most of them have so much going on in their own lives they forget to stop, turn, look at me and talk to me. Comments, are a daily occurance, and we know what is going on in eachothers lives, and i do care about them, but i get this strange feeling from half of them. Kind of like, we are only friends because we are the best eachother can do in highschool. We share many of the same interests and activites. The thing i see lacking, and this is such a stupid but meaningful thing to me, we do not share the love of the same music. That has and always will be the thing that connects me to people in school. Because Dan shares the same musical taste with me, i value him more. That and that fact that i think when we talk, it's not to break a silence that the ages have been fighting, i think it's because it may be meaningless to the rest of the world, but not to us, not to me. I can talk with anyone, but it's whether or not i feel like we're speaking to eachother.
I talked to Brandon the other day. He was supposed to come over to talk with me on tuesday, but that didn't end up happening. He stayed after school, and after he neglected to call me, i went to do work on my psych. I got his call at seven so called him back and he was haning out with scott... i guess that means i was replaced. So here we are, a good month later, haven't spoken face to face, haven't talked on the phone, not really, a few chats online, mostly yelling. I feel like whatever i may have been fighting, it won. I feel so beaten about it. I feel so tired about this one thing. I miss having something so constant in my life, but that has been something i have had to adjust to as of late. I am so tired of fighting the odds. I am getting no help from him at all. I throw up my hands and just say, "i give" and then i get so pissed that i'm giving up and he isn't trying that i try again. And i want to give up. Badly. This is such bullshit. I shouldn't be the only one trying. I shouldn't have to do this alone. But that's what it's always about, we are alone.
Look at me here, right now, alone. In my head, there is only me, alone. Walking down the street, driving in my car, i'm alone.
I don't have anything more to say. Maybe just a short overview, the condensed version. I miss Dan, and i woud give anything to go down and see him. I want to go to seattle asap, i think at this moment, it could work. I am tired, hurt, and mad when it comes to Brandon and me not being friends anymore. I wish i could connect more here, to others, but they don't have taste musically. I wish Bryce lived here, really.
posted by chelC | 11:26 AM
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