aNd the GrASs iT wAs a TiCkinG, anD thE SuN wAs ON tHe RiSe, i NeVer FeLt So WiCKed aS wHEN i WiLLeD ouR LoVe to DiE

I can't stop thinking about a conversation that i had about a million years ago... It was one dealing with chemistry of the human mind. In this discussion, scott brought about the point that we are constantly changing and that all change in us is chemical reactions in our brain. That's all that love is, a chemical reaction in our brain that makes us believe that the person we are with, is the one, the love of our life. And that can change. My counter point included the fact that we are all basically, chemically, the same person. We can change connections in our brain i guess with drugs... but we still stay chemically similar. So when we fall in love with someone, we will always be in love with that person. Our chemicals will always react with one another and there will be this uncontrollable feeling that this person is a part of us, something that we long for, a feeling of home...
I think that i agreed that long ago, i was right. Now, i don't quite know. I think it might be true. I got Brandon to believe me. He even had a whole post involving Lauren with this idea. If this is true, then i still have feelings for Ian, Dan, and of course Scott. Hmm...
Then my hypothosis is true. I don't know how i would ever be able to test this theory, i honestly don't think that i ever could... But, when i read my old posts, I long to call ian, to write him a facebook comment and make sure that he is okay. I want to tell him that i care what happens to him, that i still believe in him, whatever he is doing, i hope that he is happy...
When you care about a person i don't think that is a tie that you can ever fully sever. We do what we have to to survive, that i think is completely true. But some piece of us, usually the most naive and adolescent part of us can never let go. It's the same way that we can never hate our parents for the choices that they have made in their lives. We remember them as the protectors. We remember the good and do our best to forget all of the hateful parts. If i look at all of my journal, as i have been in parts this past week in my free time, i am touched. These men, they were my heros, and i desperately loved all of them. It's important that i tell you this now, there is a definite distinction between now, and then. It's not the same, but I do like to see what i wrote, and realize, yes, that is unconditional love.
Time changes things, as we all know, but now, i believe that a small piece of us will always remain. Some small piece of them, will always be my hero, my heart, and i will always love them... Just the same as there will always be a small piece of me that is the wallflower, the quiet and pure girl that they fell in love with.
It's hard not to get angry, and have fights when there is still so much fight left in us. I don't want to hurt them, and if they truly want to hurt me, i wouldn't understand why... but maybe we fight eachother because we don't know how to fight for the cause anymore. We have lost the way towards eachother because we have changed so much. I don't know. I don't have time to speculate on it anymore... Someday i believe that our paths will cross again, if it is meant to be. And with connections like the ones we had made, the way that our brains chemicals respond to one another, i believe it only a matter of time before the reaction happens...