i KnOw yOU caN't See, i LoOk StRonG aLL togeTHer, thOuGh inSiDe i'M WeAK....

I want to know the point when you get over someone.
There are always those stupid math equations that people have invented to tell you how long it should take you to break up with someone, based on the amount of time that you have been dating, but where is that little gem of a scientific discovery for the really important things. The things that come after.
I am most interested in this, because in a faint effort to move on, I find myself only falling deeper in. Not really getting past them at all. But I continue to try every day. I am fine when I keep myself busy, but when i stop, and try and clear my mind of anything that i had been thinking about, it always ends up going back to them. I wonder how i was brainwashed into this type of life style, and am trying to brainwash myself back to normal.
I know that it is possible to get over this heartache. This isn't even as bad as when i dated scott. That was really tough shit that i had to get through. He hurt me so bad... i never thought i was ever going to be okay again. And, somehow, i always believed that we would somehow get back together, that he loved me... that in the end, it would be us.
Of course, that was a long time ago, when i was much more naive without any thought to what the real world would have in store for all that fantasy i had cooked up. And the thing is that i have no idea when exactly it was that i didn't care about scott that way anymore. I told everyone else that i was very much over him, i didn't even think about him anymore. But the truth was that i was still curious about him, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling, and a small piece of me still wanted to love him and have him love me in return.
But here i am now, i don't check his facebook hardly at all. Only when i am really bored, and it's the same way that i click from facebook to facebook with all my other friends. I can see him write to his girlfriend and genuinely feel happy for him. I'm glad to see that his life isn't filled with heartache anymore, the way that i had most selfishly wanted it to be for him hurting me like that.
So, now that i find myself in heartache again, when is it going to end?
I don't believe there is a magical calculation, I don't think there is anything that i will be able to equate that will tell me that i don't feel like this anymore.
It's not a sharp pain that keeps me from living my daily life, i find joy in my day. It's not a nagging of curiostiy either, the way that scott had been on my mind in that last months of waiting. It's a dull kind of pain, having to know that he is happy out there with someone who is not me, someone who is so not like me, that i am confused how he could say that he liked me at all. To say that he really really liked me.
He had questioned whether or not i was toying with him, and now i can't help but wonder if he is toying with me too....
I always say that becoming friends with someone before you start getting romantically involved with them is important. Unfortunately, the onel flaw with that theory is that attraction is instant. It is not something that starts to come after finding out what that person is like. It can make that attraction far stronger, or if they turn out to be big assholes, it can even make what you thought was attractive, not so. But physical attraction is immediate. It is the maker and breaker of all relationships.
I was immediately attracted to brant. I flirted instantly, because it is my nature to flirt, it is the way that i communicate, and because i thought he was cute. As i grew to know him better, it only increased the way that i felt about him. I got very comfortable with him as a part of my life. Talking to him, generally just being around him. I would tell myself that I didn't like him, in effort to perserve the friendship and because i didn't want to be in a relationship, because i generally don't like the idea of cutting off all of my other options.
And the thing is, that that is exactly what i did with scott. I hid how i felt about him, told him that i liked him, very openly, and while scott did not have a girlfriend, he also turned me down. Saying that we could be friends.
But i could not make it work. I could not hide how i felt about him, and while i did have some meaningless encounters with others, he was always at the heart, the thing i couldn't forget.
I don't want history to repeat itself in this way. I don't want to that again... i feel like it wasted my sophomore into junior year... which it would do again.
Something i guess i would like to say is that, you don't get over someone that you loved, not completely until you are heart broken again. And when i say completely i mean, wondering about the what if's, always questioning whether they were the one, when you two might get together, thinking that there could be a future.
i don't want to wonder anymore.