DoN'T gO HoLDinG OuT oN mE nOW

I try to post on this at least once every month. I am only glad that the last day of August fell on a Sunday so that I had this change. Otherwise, i am afraid, that sweet august would have gotten away from me. Yet this is not the case, still i digress.
I so rarely just read the internets like i used to. I am so involved in everything that is going on here. Reading things, xangas, like Ben's which i still try to keep up with makes me feel like i am looking from the outside in at someone's life. Someone I used to know, that i used to interact with, but have been cut from contact with. I am now so far away that it is like listening to a stranger. Seeing just another person in the world struggling to make it out, to find their place, to seek the answers that they so desperately need to be given. It reminds me all the dimensions that I am. In all the different realms that I reside, and the ones that I no longer reside in, the ones that have been taken over by other ventures.
What can I say about my like in almost what is like the past two months...
I am back in West Lafayette. I got really close to the girls that I worked with and it was somewhat of a tearful good bye. I certainly missing them more that I thought I would, as shitty as that may sound.
I moved into my apartment. The first place that i can cook my own meals, enjoy my time in my own room, sit down with a drink in my hand at the end of a hard day and breathe in every bit of my freedom. Aren't you glad I am starting my slow death of alcoholism early? I know, me too.
Although the thought of "freedom" is a somewhat contradicted one. I am once again a slave to a strict schedule with school and student organizations. I have to prepare myself for IRI so that I can secure a job internship this summer. The courting and interviewing must begin now, so I need to start researching companies and getting my shit together. My resume, done, not all i have to do is get ready to meet some people and make one hell of an impression... I feel fairly certain i'll be able to do that.
As i was making my first trip down to West Lafayette with about half of my belongings in the back of my beetle, i was reminded of the reasons that i used to go to west lafayette. Perhaps the only other time i had been there driving in my own car was to visit scott. I also saw ben and ian, but since they were never as close to me, in every sense of that word, i felt the necessity to call scott and just talk to him. Funny how nostalgia makes us do the damnedest things. I talked to him for quite a while, at least for us. It felt like... i don't know. Familiar in a new way, if that might even be possible... I always dabble with the idea that we can be friends when we talk to each other the way that we do when we haven't talked in a while.
However, we actually met up in real life a few days after that, a few days before i left for west lafayette. It was nothing short of disastrous. He was moody, confrontational, and did not even have the decency to say good bye. I have the intense feeling that whenever i talk, he judges me and his final judgement is that i am a blithering idiot. So i am done with him again for a while. Perhaps it is personal trauma that i can no longer care about or involve myself in. He will always be this confusing story of my life, popping up in the most unexpected ways because he was there in such a turbulent time of my life. But he is filed away under "unexplainable" and it does not bother me so much. I loved him once, of this i have no doubt, but i wonder if that is something that he just can't let go of. I know that I have, why might not he?
I'm meeting a lot of ChE's now that we have more specific course work getting us in closer proximity. There are some pretty awesome people i've met and it's only really the first week.
More interesting than that, i'm seeing so many of the same people from last semester and it's so pleasant. I'm playing wallyball somewhat regularly and having a blast in general. It's been shenanigans this entire weekend, and now i'm coming back together so that i can someday graduate and have that great adventure called employed life as an adult, and not working as a barista.
I'm still not in love. If i look at this outside of myself it looks like a good idea with a few people. Kind of like watching a movie. It could work if i wasn't there and didn't have to feel all of those emotions so viciously. Cause i don't. I do not have that type of passion for these people. I have the rest of my life to settle. I should be able to enjoy passion as a young adult, none of which i can find as of yet.
It's getting harder to remain aloof as i did. Matt wants to talk to me, go on a walk. There are "a few things that he has been meaning to tell me" whatever the hell that means. Brant wants to know why we stopped talking over the summer "all of a sudden there was nothing. No iming, not texts, no calls. Why?"
How hard the truth has to be and i cannot do it. I cannot date either of these people. I know that from every inch of my body. I have to find the ones who want a commitment, don't i?
But this is all a backseat idea to my one and great purpose which is to become self sustaining. I don't want to rely on others. Perhaps it is this one truth that keeps me from relying on one other person in a relationship. Although that does not make sense because i have friends that i would die for. Still, that is a different kind of trust altogether. So whatever. That's all. I don't want to think about my own shortcomings in this moment. I feel too good right now. I've got friends who are more like family and that is all i need.
Now I'm gonna get out there and kick life's ass. It is what i'm best at. That and baking cookies.