HaPpY BiRThDaY DaRLiN, WE LoVe yOu vErY vEry MuCH

So once again, here we are and it is my birthday. Yay.
I had a lot of time to myself this day, much the way that i wanted and i have done a lot of thinking, being that it is my birthday and that a lot of my life is changing. So you wanna hear my thoughts? I don't give a shit, cause i wanna get this out. It makes me feel so much better.
So we watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the other night and i have realized how much i love that movie. I couldn't really put my finger on why for a while but last night at 3 am after talking to my best friend david and looking out my bedroom window i heard the Scrubs episode playing on my TV and at that moment JD said " it should have been me" in reference to Elliot being his. And i immediately realized why. Because i think ESSM is how i have always thought about my and Scott's relationship. It was horrible in the end and i hate him for it. But if i had to go back through all of my memories, i miss him terribly. I remember distictly back when we broke up that i wanted the procedure done. That i would just love to erase him from my memory and make all the pain of the situation just go away. But that movies is exactly the reason why i couldn't. I would want to keep a memory, even if it was just one. And then i think that if maybe we could just forget the bad times, and start clean, we could make it. It just makes me want to dye my hair one outrageous color or another.
One thing that i can't understand is my fear of commitment. And my one exception to the rule. Every guy i work to get close to, will show signs of commitment and then i get bored or afraid of being with one person that i run, and make it impossible for them to ever pin me down as theirs. I am a complete commitaphobe. I'm doing it as we speak. I make up excuses to not to go out. And this only happens with new people. The only person i have not done this with is Scott. He is the only one i didn't run away from at full speed. And i honestly don't know why. Why him? Have i changed? Have i been so hurt by that one experience i fear that, or am i just always holding out for that then... it can't be.
I can't think about this anymore. I'm upset that i have put so much thought into. I think i just want the impossible. I live for the chase. The caught is just not as much fun. This is the thing that makes me feel that i will never be able to get married and have children. Maybe in time i will like the caught instead of the chase... at least that's what i'll pray for. i don't know what's goin on with me and right now i am really just confused and not really into all my school work... i feel so disconnected.
Maybe now that i'm 19 and that's the really big last thing of this semester i'll be more commited.... I just don't know how to feel. I feel like i'm losing who it is that i want to be. I need to find my center and right now i am just completely thrown off. Perhaps next weekend will bring me comfort... although i doubt it.
Ugh, i wish i could find a close to this blog post and quit rambling and find an absolute summation but the problem is that i don't have one. I hope that you feel as unsatisfied as i do by this. Cause this, this is my life.
At least there is one thing that i can find solice in, i have the best friends in the entire world. I love them so much they will never even know...