i PreTeNd tO tRy... EvEN iF i TRy aLonE
I have this very weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and i have the intense feeling that i am just not happy. I don't know why either. It's this thing that brings my eyelids to half open, I am just ghost walking through my life right now. And i have no idea when this happened. It just all of a sudden kinda hit yesterday at the conclusion of robotics summer camp.
Which reminds me of a few things i should prolly mention now, should i never remember to mention them past this. I not am employed at Banana Republic along with the Gloria Jean's. What fun. And robotics summer camp was this past week.
I had a really good time like i always do. I love seeing Jen. It's the only time in the year that we see each other. It was also nice to make friends for real with Dan Leathers. I wouldn't say that him and Brian are all that similar, but they do seem to share a few traits. At least they both make me laugh. That perhaps one of the things that makes me so sad is that i have not laughed so hard in such a long time. Really, when i think about it, i can't think of something that made me laugh more than making fun of camper photos with Dan and Jen. Just laughing until you run out of breath and still keep laughing.... I miss the camaraderie robo seems to bring into my life. It makes me sad, and at the same time i know that i could never go back and do the six weeks again... it's impossible. I just couldn't do it.
I realized how interesting a relationship i have with Dan and Jen. I don't see them except once a year for about one week. But i would consider us friends, not best, but friends none the less. Outside of that week, we don't attempt to make contact. Jen and i have each others numbers just in case we need to get into the shop just on that week. We don't drunk dial each other, or if we're in town attempt to get together. But i guarantee in one year, when camp starts up again, we will be there laughing, sharing a small piece of our lives for just a short period of time and be friends again. I don't know how things like that magically work, but i guess sometimes there are anomalies in life that you don't need an explanation for and you're just grateful that you have them.
Out of nowhere i feel like i found about a hundred friends and they all want to hang out. This makes me very happy because i love that i have people who care enough to call and really want to hang out. But i also feel bad because i am working 40+ hours every week and i am soooo tired. This past week i logged 40 hrs at summer camp and another 40 at GJ. I am one tired girl and i just don't want to do anything.... sometimes.
I just need to get through the month of june and i know that i will be just fine.
There is so much stress right now with Betsy's wedding and that whole weekend, getting time from both of my work off, and it's just maddening.
I really need to talk to someone but i don't know who to talk to. It's hard because either the person i want to talk to has some jonesin for me, or they don't know who i am talking about so discussing it is really a mute point. Nothing is going to get decided because no one can see it from my angle and i don't even know what i mean at the moment.
But i can't eat and i can't stop having thoughts run through my head. I hate being in these little spells of i guess depression where nothing makes sense and i keep pushing people away. The older i get and the more i think about it, there really might be something wrong with me where i might want to go get checked out. Diagnosed. With what? Something. Definately something.
I wonder how many people in the world feel what i feel. I marvel at the way that we all search, even if it is unknowingly for our other half. For the person that we can join together and be something more than ourselves. We become one of a half. A person with another, and we are forever changed by that. For better or for worse. I try to think that we are all looking for that all meaningful thing, but i get discouraged when i see 16 year olds telling their boyfriends and girlfriends that they "Love them". When i see superficial relationships all over i doubt that this is really what the human is striving for. And this discourages me because i am looking for something more. I am not so desperately searching for this and i want it to mean the end of the world. I want it to mean exactly what it is, unconditional love. Building a life and a family that did not exist before with another person.
And then i stop, and shake my head and remind myself that i am only 19 years old and have the rest of my life to think about this and build this life that can be so rewarding...
It's so hard to do though. Slowing down seems like an impossible feat at the moment. I hope that someday it will work like that. Everything will just be clear and i will see that person that fills up my life and my heart with love. And even in thirty years i will still be able to look them in the eye and say i love them with all my heart.
It hurts right now to think that i cannot do that and that i might just be wasting my time. Trying to settle. Would i really do that for my whole life? I fucking hope not. I just need to take a step back because i can't do anything right now. I am simply not ready for me life at the moment.
It's gotta be me for a while.
Which reminds me of a few things i should prolly mention now, should i never remember to mention them past this. I not am employed at Banana Republic along with the Gloria Jean's. What fun. And robotics summer camp was this past week.
I had a really good time like i always do. I love seeing Jen. It's the only time in the year that we see each other. It was also nice to make friends for real with Dan Leathers. I wouldn't say that him and Brian are all that similar, but they do seem to share a few traits. At least they both make me laugh. That perhaps one of the things that makes me so sad is that i have not laughed so hard in such a long time. Really, when i think about it, i can't think of something that made me laugh more than making fun of camper photos with Dan and Jen. Just laughing until you run out of breath and still keep laughing.... I miss the camaraderie robo seems to bring into my life. It makes me sad, and at the same time i know that i could never go back and do the six weeks again... it's impossible. I just couldn't do it.
I realized how interesting a relationship i have with Dan and Jen. I don't see them except once a year for about one week. But i would consider us friends, not best, but friends none the less. Outside of that week, we don't attempt to make contact. Jen and i have each others numbers just in case we need to get into the shop just on that week. We don't drunk dial each other, or if we're in town attempt to get together. But i guarantee in one year, when camp starts up again, we will be there laughing, sharing a small piece of our lives for just a short period of time and be friends again. I don't know how things like that magically work, but i guess sometimes there are anomalies in life that you don't need an explanation for and you're just grateful that you have them.
Out of nowhere i feel like i found about a hundred friends and they all want to hang out. This makes me very happy because i love that i have people who care enough to call and really want to hang out. But i also feel bad because i am working 40+ hours every week and i am soooo tired. This past week i logged 40 hrs at summer camp and another 40 at GJ. I am one tired girl and i just don't want to do anything.... sometimes.
I just need to get through the month of june and i know that i will be just fine.
There is so much stress right now with Betsy's wedding and that whole weekend, getting time from both of my work off, and it's just maddening.
I really need to talk to someone but i don't know who to talk to. It's hard because either the person i want to talk to has some jonesin for me, or they don't know who i am talking about so discussing it is really a mute point. Nothing is going to get decided because no one can see it from my angle and i don't even know what i mean at the moment.
But i can't eat and i can't stop having thoughts run through my head. I hate being in these little spells of i guess depression where nothing makes sense and i keep pushing people away. The older i get and the more i think about it, there really might be something wrong with me where i might want to go get checked out. Diagnosed. With what? Something. Definately something.
I wonder how many people in the world feel what i feel. I marvel at the way that we all search, even if it is unknowingly for our other half. For the person that we can join together and be something more than ourselves. We become one of a half. A person with another, and we are forever changed by that. For better or for worse. I try to think that we are all looking for that all meaningful thing, but i get discouraged when i see 16 year olds telling their boyfriends and girlfriends that they "Love them". When i see superficial relationships all over i doubt that this is really what the human is striving for. And this discourages me because i am looking for something more. I am not so desperately searching for this and i want it to mean the end of the world. I want it to mean exactly what it is, unconditional love. Building a life and a family that did not exist before with another person.
And then i stop, and shake my head and remind myself that i am only 19 years old and have the rest of my life to think about this and build this life that can be so rewarding...
It's so hard to do though. Slowing down seems like an impossible feat at the moment. I hope that someday it will work like that. Everything will just be clear and i will see that person that fills up my life and my heart with love. And even in thirty years i will still be able to look them in the eye and say i love them with all my heart.
It hurts right now to think that i cannot do that and that i might just be wasting my time. Trying to settle. Would i really do that for my whole life? I fucking hope not. I just need to take a step back because i can't do anything right now. I am simply not ready for me life at the moment.
It's gotta be me for a while.
posted by chelC | 9:53 PM
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