sO LonG mY ALmoSt LoVeR, sO LoNG my hopELesS dReAm, ALwAys KnEw yoU'd bRinG mE hEaRTaCHE, ALmoSt LoVERs aLWayS dO

I didn't do a blog entry for November and that make me very upset.
How will i know how i felt when i am older, how will i know what thoughts raced through my head and how will i ever be able to learn from mistakes if i don't document them, look and stop my own destructive behavior before there is nothing left for me to do but lose.
I guess i am in such a mood now because i lost again. And the problem is that you will never realize what it is that you are missing out on when you just can't have it anymore.
I am a prideful person. And i don't want this to be misconstrued or misunderstood by anyone. I mean that I don't like to admit that i am wrong, i don't like to admit that i am weak. I would never show anyone that i am weak if i could because it somehow leaves people thinking they have this power or influence on my life because they saw me break down. I never cry. I hate crying. It physically makes me ill and hate myself.
Brant has a girlfriend. At least, that's what i believe. Stoff saw him walking with a girl and they were holding hands. Even saying it now, my mouth gets dry and i feel like i might throw up. I don't like anyone having that kind of power than me and i don't like hurting like this.
And I wonder how i can be so upset. I didn't want him. Maybe this means that I was wrong. But i have no reason for acting like this. I was with him once, and completely unofficially. I didn't want to be with him because of a number of reasons which all still hold true. But i am hurting in a way that i have not hurt since the famed scott destruction of 07. And this is even worse than that, scott destruction in 06 was much worse. This feels more like that.
I can't stop thinking about it. If i am very careful and focus on very little details keeping my every thought focused on one thing, I can make it through and not feel sick to my stomach.
This hurts. I don't know how else to say it. It hurts so bad. It starts on the inside and eats and eats at me. I am not hungry. I haven't eaten anything since. I drank a shit ton of vodka last night. Got pleasantly fitshaced and forgot about my troubles for a few moments.
If I had not passed out drunk, I would not have slept at all last night.
It's worse since this is right before finals, and I can't think of much else.
I want to be better instantly. I don't want to think that he and i could have had something. I don't want to feel completely abandoned. He did not define me. He was not even a large part of my life. And I can do this. It hurts like hell to know that he could move on, though i know it was not easy for him. I tortured him. And this is my retribution for that. I deserve this.
I always push people away. I see how far they ill go, and I always push them past their point, and i know this. This is not a secret to me. And i still do it.
At least this girl is not as pretty as me. And she is fatter than me.
I don't know why that makes me feel better, but it does. At least there is something.
Stoff and Lo have really gotten me through this. They have done everything to get me through last night, and they have called in favors just to make me feel better. Not only did they take a lot of shit from me last night. And they still are willing to talk to me today, after giving up their night, and probably not sleeping.
Bless em.
Well, maybe throwing myself into my work will get me through. I know that it has before.
I have to go to exec tonight and face that.
I hope I don't have any oubursts. I had a dream that I did. I hope not.