i'M haPpY to LaY hErE, juST HaPPy tO bE HeRe, i'M hAPpY tO KNoW yOu...
April 13th was so long ago, yet i'm not exactly sure what's different. I guess you could say that i finally finished my freshman year of college. That's something. Finals were tough, but i ended on a good note i'm fairly positive. At least for the most part. That such a good thing, and such a sad thing that that is the news that tops my list.
Here is what i mean by that. I am really proud of my accomplishments. I really am. But shouldn't there be more to life? I look back at this journal, cause that's what i would like to think of it as from now until forever, it is full of experiences. I used to write on here the amazing things that i would do that had absolutely nothing to do with school. I feel like i used to meet more people, share more ideas. I don't know what's happend in the last year of my life, but most of that has changed.
Actually, maybe that's not true. I do know what's happend. I chose purdue. I'm not sad about that, but i know how drastically different my life would have turned out had i chosen to go to IU instead. Maybe it would be better, but then again maybe it wouldn't. I know i wouldn't have the direction in my life and i wouldn't know what i want to do when i grow up, but maybe that would be a great thing...
I feel like sometimes i try to grow up to quickly, i have most definately have stated this on here before. I wouldn't know how to feel if i didn't know what was going to happen to my life and i wasn't so driven to complete my college degree. But, don't we all need to have that time in our life when we don't know what to do? Shouldn't we be confused sometimes? There has to be that sense of adventure that i just don't know if i have anymore.
I think a lot of this hit me last night as i sat in one of the oldest places in my memory with one of the people that i have some of the greatest memories with. I hadn't been to steak n shake in forever it felt like. The last time i went there, i might have even been with dan, and i haven't seen him in months, upon months. We sat there from about one thirty in the morning until about five thirty in the morning. I don't know exactly what we talked about. There were women, relationships, adventures, a life that i had forgotten i had known. I have met so many interesting characters in my life and they hadn't even crossed my mind in west lafayette. I didn't understand why. I still don't. There is something so remarkable about how i lose my mind down there. Or maybe, it's that i have finally found a place that is not tainted with the memories of my teen years. Sitting in Steak n Shake last night at one point, all of these memories came flooding back to me. And while i missed all those times, i never wanted them to come back again. It is something about how the summer air smells and feels on my skin that makes me feel 17 years old again, but i know that i am not. And i know that i don't ever want that again.
I'm happy cause i think that that means that i have finally moved on, which i was never sure that i would ever be able to do. But that's almost hard for me to believe. Only because i was so sure those people would be a part of my life for such a long time. And that just wasn't the case.
But i guess that's just the thing, we are all changing all the time. I don't know who i'm going to be tomorrow. I don't know who will be there with me. My idea of adventure might change. My fulfillment might come from my work. I might find a new sense of adventure, and for once and for all i will realize what i am and own up to that. I am a planner, i am realistic, i want that traditional american life. Maybe someday i might find that it was a mistake, but if it's what i feel now, maybe that's right for me. And that's okay.
I don't have to be anything that i am not. I once fancied myself a thinker, someone in search for adventure. I had plans to explore and i wasn't going to get tied down by all that conventional bullshit. But i guess that's what comes with growing up. Priorities change and you give in.
I'm not exactly complaining because i am happy. I have somebody who would commit to me in a second if i wanted him to. And he's a great guy. If i think about him, i smile. He says things that i didn't think real people actually said and he could take care of me in a way that no one else i have ever been attracted to could. I haven't run away which is a big deal for me.
This is going to be a long summer for me. I guess it might be full of change, but who knows.
I think that i am going to spend a lot of time with david, who is, of course, my best friend. And the more i think about it, the more i know it.
I miss Brant.
Here is what i mean by that. I am really proud of my accomplishments. I really am. But shouldn't there be more to life? I look back at this journal, cause that's what i would like to think of it as from now until forever, it is full of experiences. I used to write on here the amazing things that i would do that had absolutely nothing to do with school. I feel like i used to meet more people, share more ideas. I don't know what's happend in the last year of my life, but most of that has changed.
Actually, maybe that's not true. I do know what's happend. I chose purdue. I'm not sad about that, but i know how drastically different my life would have turned out had i chosen to go to IU instead. Maybe it would be better, but then again maybe it wouldn't. I know i wouldn't have the direction in my life and i wouldn't know what i want to do when i grow up, but maybe that would be a great thing...
I feel like sometimes i try to grow up to quickly, i have most definately have stated this on here before. I wouldn't know how to feel if i didn't know what was going to happen to my life and i wasn't so driven to complete my college degree. But, don't we all need to have that time in our life when we don't know what to do? Shouldn't we be confused sometimes? There has to be that sense of adventure that i just don't know if i have anymore.
I think a lot of this hit me last night as i sat in one of the oldest places in my memory with one of the people that i have some of the greatest memories with. I hadn't been to steak n shake in forever it felt like. The last time i went there, i might have even been with dan, and i haven't seen him in months, upon months. We sat there from about one thirty in the morning until about five thirty in the morning. I don't know exactly what we talked about. There were women, relationships, adventures, a life that i had forgotten i had known. I have met so many interesting characters in my life and they hadn't even crossed my mind in west lafayette. I didn't understand why. I still don't. There is something so remarkable about how i lose my mind down there. Or maybe, it's that i have finally found a place that is not tainted with the memories of my teen years. Sitting in Steak n Shake last night at one point, all of these memories came flooding back to me. And while i missed all those times, i never wanted them to come back again. It is something about how the summer air smells and feels on my skin that makes me feel 17 years old again, but i know that i am not. And i know that i don't ever want that again.
I'm happy cause i think that that means that i have finally moved on, which i was never sure that i would ever be able to do. But that's almost hard for me to believe. Only because i was so sure those people would be a part of my life for such a long time. And that just wasn't the case.
But i guess that's just the thing, we are all changing all the time. I don't know who i'm going to be tomorrow. I don't know who will be there with me. My idea of adventure might change. My fulfillment might come from my work. I might find a new sense of adventure, and for once and for all i will realize what i am and own up to that. I am a planner, i am realistic, i want that traditional american life. Maybe someday i might find that it was a mistake, but if it's what i feel now, maybe that's right for me. And that's okay.
I don't have to be anything that i am not. I once fancied myself a thinker, someone in search for adventure. I had plans to explore and i wasn't going to get tied down by all that conventional bullshit. But i guess that's what comes with growing up. Priorities change and you give in.
I'm not exactly complaining because i am happy. I have somebody who would commit to me in a second if i wanted him to. And he's a great guy. If i think about him, i smile. He says things that i didn't think real people actually said and he could take care of me in a way that no one else i have ever been attracted to could. I haven't run away which is a big deal for me.
This is going to be a long summer for me. I guess it might be full of change, but who knows.
I think that i am going to spend a lot of time with david, who is, of course, my best friend. And the more i think about it, the more i know it.
I miss Brant.
posted by chelC | 10:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home