MaYbe iN a MoNtH OR tWo... MaYBe wHen ThiNGs ArE diFFerEnT foR mE, mAyBe wheN ThiNGs aRe difFerenT fOr yOu...
I was taking a walk outside just a few minutes ago and it was like stepping out my front door was like stepping into my past. There was something, as i was walking over to forney that i just couldn't put my finger on. There was something so familiar in the air, the scent of the world that took me back to some time that i couldn't quite define.
It took me an entire walk over, and an entire walk back to figure out what that air reminded me of. Because it immediately hit me and i had this feeling of melancholy. I love this spring air. It hits me in such a personal place... I thought for a moment that it was a night during spring break and boilermaker, but quickly remembered i didn't have any real memories from that. And then i thought maybe it felt like a night when brant had dropped me off at the dorm after almost spending the night with him, or another time when he walked me home, but it just didn't feel right. Although if i had wanted to, i could have easily made it about him. But there was something else, some kind of other memory that tugged at me, almost begged me to reach down deep and rediscover a memory from myself.
And then it hit me as i crossed a deserted northwestern ave.
It was when scott and i had gone to the lake almost four years ago. We had gone up there to drop off fire wood. And he asked me, "So do you want to go out on the boat, or just chill on it here at shore?" And we went out on that lake, and we layed down with our heads next to each others, looking and the stars and learning all about one another. Brandon was supposed to have been there, but he never answered his phone. Scott and i were still about strangers, but we talked about a whole scope of things, and we found so many things that we had in common... i was in love with him that night.
I had always just wanted someone i could talk to, that i could feel something from.
It's hard to explain. It's not traits, looks, or those things that people always talk about being attracted to another individual. It's a light. It's something that you can't define, can't be indecisive about. When you know a person, and really feel that connection, it's like a light. It burns from the inside of that other person and illuminates the dark, that you can't take your eyes off, and the thought of that light leaving your world, would be like taking away the sun, you don't know how you would survive... you couldn't.
He had a light in him.
Tonight, i was wearing the same jacket, the same moist air that was just a slight chill. Like a chilly summers night, over the water. It smelled like the lake.
I smiled to myself for a moment. And was sad for a moment too.
Nights like tonight i like to refer to as ghost nights.
There are so many memories locked away inside of us, because they have to be locked away, or because we treasure them so much, and on particularly still nights, that feel like so many summer night past, you are surrounded by half memories. You could almost swear that they feel real again. There are the memories of the nights that hang around you like ghosts.
I went at sat underneath the bell tower for a few moments and just thought.
There was no one else around on campus. I was utterly alone in a spot that in just another 8 hours will be a bustle of paths crossing and uncrossing, students hustling to class, professors going to lunch, students taking campus tours...
Walking on a ground that thousands, if not millions of pairs of feet have walked before you, and to be so alone in the midst of it all.
I love nights like tonight.
As melancholy as i may feel in a moment, they are the times that remind me that i am alive, and i have live a life that has left me with so many stories, so many memories, and so many wonderfully interesting people...
It took me an entire walk over, and an entire walk back to figure out what that air reminded me of. Because it immediately hit me and i had this feeling of melancholy. I love this spring air. It hits me in such a personal place... I thought for a moment that it was a night during spring break and boilermaker, but quickly remembered i didn't have any real memories from that. And then i thought maybe it felt like a night when brant had dropped me off at the dorm after almost spending the night with him, or another time when he walked me home, but it just didn't feel right. Although if i had wanted to, i could have easily made it about him. But there was something else, some kind of other memory that tugged at me, almost begged me to reach down deep and rediscover a memory from myself.
And then it hit me as i crossed a deserted northwestern ave.
It was when scott and i had gone to the lake almost four years ago. We had gone up there to drop off fire wood. And he asked me, "So do you want to go out on the boat, or just chill on it here at shore?" And we went out on that lake, and we layed down with our heads next to each others, looking and the stars and learning all about one another. Brandon was supposed to have been there, but he never answered his phone. Scott and i were still about strangers, but we talked about a whole scope of things, and we found so many things that we had in common... i was in love with him that night.
I had always just wanted someone i could talk to, that i could feel something from.
It's hard to explain. It's not traits, looks, or those things that people always talk about being attracted to another individual. It's a light. It's something that you can't define, can't be indecisive about. When you know a person, and really feel that connection, it's like a light. It burns from the inside of that other person and illuminates the dark, that you can't take your eyes off, and the thought of that light leaving your world, would be like taking away the sun, you don't know how you would survive... you couldn't.
He had a light in him.
Tonight, i was wearing the same jacket, the same moist air that was just a slight chill. Like a chilly summers night, over the water. It smelled like the lake.
I smiled to myself for a moment. And was sad for a moment too.
Nights like tonight i like to refer to as ghost nights.
There are so many memories locked away inside of us, because they have to be locked away, or because we treasure them so much, and on particularly still nights, that feel like so many summer night past, you are surrounded by half memories. You could almost swear that they feel real again. There are the memories of the nights that hang around you like ghosts.
I went at sat underneath the bell tower for a few moments and just thought.
There was no one else around on campus. I was utterly alone in a spot that in just another 8 hours will be a bustle of paths crossing and uncrossing, students hustling to class, professors going to lunch, students taking campus tours...
Walking on a ground that thousands, if not millions of pairs of feet have walked before you, and to be so alone in the midst of it all.
I love nights like tonight.
As melancholy as i may feel in a moment, they are the times that remind me that i am alive, and i have live a life that has left me with so many stories, so many memories, and so many wonderfully interesting people...
posted by chelC | 12:13 AM
1 Comments:
Ghost nights is a perfect description. I've been wanting to name them, but up until now I haven't been able to. It's a pleasant to feel the serenity of your writing and the quiet thoughtfulness that many seem to lack. It's nice to know that others see "the light" in people as I do. It's encouraging and makes me feel a little less mentally lonely, if that makes sense. Thank you.
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