tEachEr teLL mE wHat's mY LeSSoN
My hundred and fiftieth post. Can you believe that i have shared this much on this little site of mine?
Me either really.
I don't feel like it's really all that much to be honest.... but that's only looking at things in the scope of this year. This site has been around much longer, four years of my life this month... sweet jesus.
I never thought i would write on this thing for this long, but i am really grateful that i have. So much of myself is on here, and it's a good reminder as to where i have come from. I am not the same person that i used to be four years ago, at least not in many aspects. And for that i am thankful because i was kind of an idiot back then, but i am also a little sad because i had an innocence that i liked about myself, i felt more, had more of a thirst for adventure. At least it seems that way to me. But i was also a lot more sad back then too... just looking at it. Although i have been in a mood recently, probably why i am back here to get it all out. Hopefully come to a conclusion or two.
I can't really describe how it is that i am feeling, because emotional rollercoaster just seems to be too cliche. But i have such joy in my life, i really do. But lately i feel very burnt out, and i don't really have and reason for that. I mean, i have done a lot of work over this week, i've been up until 4 am most nights this week, had two tests yesterday, and am kinda still recovering from the whole buckeye trip. I'm just all strung out.
I talked to mike zwach last night for a while, made me feel pretty good. He is an interesting fellow. It's like breathing in fresh air.
It doesn't help that going to buckeye reminded me of all the reasons that i love hanging out with brant. It's his love for FIRST, his general passion that just makes me attracted to him. I am trying to work my way out of that, but all of this is just so familiar to last year. Time of year, small things... and i have always been a sucker for the small things. It also doesn't help to play the 'what if' game a lot with myself, which starts out being kind of fun, and then just ends up being a huge dissappointment.
I googled 'unrequited love' yesterday. Unrequited love is a bitch, i mean i knew what it meant, i had a generally idea actually, and then this just went into so much detail... damn. You should definately google it, it's well worth the read.
As weird as this may sound, i have been reading FML a lot recently and i am just surprised at how many people out there have had crushes that have turned into nothing, the other person never knew, just that this happens so often.
All i want to do is meet a nice single guy that shares many of the same ideas that i do. Is that so hard to ask for? Perfection?
It's just really hard i think to know deep down inside of yourself that you would be so perfect with someone, like joy would be gained from both ends, happiness, all of the great times of life, memories, everything, and they just are stuck with the wrong person and there is no way to tell them. Or at the very least see what you see.
And maybe that sounds so juvenile, and so completely ridiculous, but there is nothing i can do to change things. I already made a plea and felt like an idiot. And it's really a terrifying thing to have someone start a converstation with you, whom you aren't dating, especially when you are dating someone else, how wonderful the two of you would be together. Creepy. But, then, how do you get rid of those feelings in the pit of your stomach? Cause i can't figure it out. Nope. Tried. Not like i wont continue to try, but sweet damn.
All i ever bitch about are the same things. This really just plays on a loop.
And then when i think about how i keep most of my feelings just locked up because i don't know what else to do with them, can't really do anything, i think about how many other people out there in the world feel this way. How many people are falling for their best friends, good friends, just falling, uncontrollably.
We live in such an irrational world, things don't make sense, people do things without reason, or cause...
It's a mad world.
Me either really.
I don't feel like it's really all that much to be honest.... but that's only looking at things in the scope of this year. This site has been around much longer, four years of my life this month... sweet jesus.
I never thought i would write on this thing for this long, but i am really grateful that i have. So much of myself is on here, and it's a good reminder as to where i have come from. I am not the same person that i used to be four years ago, at least not in many aspects. And for that i am thankful because i was kind of an idiot back then, but i am also a little sad because i had an innocence that i liked about myself, i felt more, had more of a thirst for adventure. At least it seems that way to me. But i was also a lot more sad back then too... just looking at it. Although i have been in a mood recently, probably why i am back here to get it all out. Hopefully come to a conclusion or two.
I can't really describe how it is that i am feeling, because emotional rollercoaster just seems to be too cliche. But i have such joy in my life, i really do. But lately i feel very burnt out, and i don't really have and reason for that. I mean, i have done a lot of work over this week, i've been up until 4 am most nights this week, had two tests yesterday, and am kinda still recovering from the whole buckeye trip. I'm just all strung out.
I talked to mike zwach last night for a while, made me feel pretty good. He is an interesting fellow. It's like breathing in fresh air.
It doesn't help that going to buckeye reminded me of all the reasons that i love hanging out with brant. It's his love for FIRST, his general passion that just makes me attracted to him. I am trying to work my way out of that, but all of this is just so familiar to last year. Time of year, small things... and i have always been a sucker for the small things. It also doesn't help to play the 'what if' game a lot with myself, which starts out being kind of fun, and then just ends up being a huge dissappointment.
I googled 'unrequited love' yesterday. Unrequited love is a bitch, i mean i knew what it meant, i had a generally idea actually, and then this just went into so much detail... damn. You should definately google it, it's well worth the read.
As weird as this may sound, i have been reading FML a lot recently and i am just surprised at how many people out there have had crushes that have turned into nothing, the other person never knew, just that this happens so often.
All i want to do is meet a nice single guy that shares many of the same ideas that i do. Is that so hard to ask for? Perfection?
It's just really hard i think to know deep down inside of yourself that you would be so perfect with someone, like joy would be gained from both ends, happiness, all of the great times of life, memories, everything, and they just are stuck with the wrong person and there is no way to tell them. Or at the very least see what you see.
And maybe that sounds so juvenile, and so completely ridiculous, but there is nothing i can do to change things. I already made a plea and felt like an idiot. And it's really a terrifying thing to have someone start a converstation with you, whom you aren't dating, especially when you are dating someone else, how wonderful the two of you would be together. Creepy. But, then, how do you get rid of those feelings in the pit of your stomach? Cause i can't figure it out. Nope. Tried. Not like i wont continue to try, but sweet damn.
All i ever bitch about are the same things. This really just plays on a loop.
And then when i think about how i keep most of my feelings just locked up because i don't know what else to do with them, can't really do anything, i think about how many other people out there in the world feel this way. How many people are falling for their best friends, good friends, just falling, uncontrollably.
We live in such an irrational world, things don't make sense, people do things without reason, or cause...
It's a mad world.
posted by chelC | 3:40 PM
1 Comments:
I hope you realize you're about to go 2 full months without a post..both of which I know are full of exciting things to write about so you should really get on that so I have some entertainment..
Post a Comment
<< Home