WaKe up, iT's TimE. NEed tO fiNd a BeTtER PLacE tO HiDE. BaBy tHiS tiMe, i HoPE i GeT tO SaY gOoDbyE.
I am tired of love.
Not just the pursuit of it, or anything like that, it's really the whole thing. I am tired of the way that it is idealized. I am tired of the way that everything seems to work out in movies and on television. That isn't the way that love is, that isn't the way that life is... And then again maybe it is...
We can now watch entire series, seasons, or at least long blocks of shows in one sitting. The thing that i think we all seem to forget rather quickly is that shows don't run in real time. It doesn't show all the times that character goes to the bathroom, sleeps, or just sits in a room, alone contemplating on the way the rest of the world chooses to behave. Everything that happens to those imaginary people happens in real time, and is just condensed to fit into that half an hour block. That twenty minutes of time that broadcasting companies allow them to tell their story...
Today was one of those days that was ridiculously beautiful. I was just walking back from lunch and i just wanted to keep walking. I want to walk all over the country and just never stop. It was that beautiful, that peaceful, that kind of day. And maybe it was then that i realized i would do anything to just call my significant other, tell them to come outside and go on a walk with me, because the kind of person that i would someday date would love taking endless walks with me, especially on days like today. I just wanted to walk with someone. I don't know that i would have cared very much for conversation, just the company. The understanding and knowing that they love this day just as much as i do. Just knowing, there is no place that they would rather be. I just know because that's how i'd feel.
I have been watching scrubs almost non stop for the past couple days. It's just the thing that plays in the background when i live in my little room, with no roomate. Keeps me company and makes me think that i'm not completely alone. And, scrubs, i am JD. I don't know what i want, i have always been seeking the approval of others, i am overly sensitive, i sabatoge relationships on purpose, and i always want what i can't have. Then, when i actually get it, i don't want it anymore.
There is this one really good moment in "My Fault" an episode in the third season, also the third time that elliot and JD have "finally" gotten together. Elliot comes over and sits with JD on the couch. She looks at him and tells him "Well, you have me, you finally have me" and she kisses him, and immediately he realizes, in that kiss "Oh My God, I don't want her!" I have had that exact thought run through my head. Almost, phrase for phrase, and i don't know that i had seen that scrubs moment prior to this actually happening to me.
It's something that i didn't want to admit, because, just like what happened in scrubs, it ruins the friendship. Although, i don't think i've ever let that fully out there until just now. It was a mistake, and that was all that i could take away from it. I didn't want it to be a mistake because i had coveted it for so long, but, damn... damn.
So, if we want to be techincal about my life, it's following just in step with the outline of scrubs, at least with my love life and JD's. Right now i am in my third season of life. Mackenzie and Paul are my Turk and Carla. My Elliot is perhaps gone forever... funny how we can't be friends... My Dr. Cox is gone, off with his Jordan and hasn't spoken to me in about a month. And it makes sense this is my third season. Had my pilot run right before my junior year. Then got my full run in my junior year. Then got my 2nd season in senior year, and here we are freshman year again, mid 3rd season... I'll have to keep watching scrubs to see what happens to me next. It's nice to know that when i graduate college, so ends the series. Hopefully by then, i'll have that kind of resolve...
Not just the pursuit of it, or anything like that, it's really the whole thing. I am tired of the way that it is idealized. I am tired of the way that everything seems to work out in movies and on television. That isn't the way that love is, that isn't the way that life is... And then again maybe it is...
We can now watch entire series, seasons, or at least long blocks of shows in one sitting. The thing that i think we all seem to forget rather quickly is that shows don't run in real time. It doesn't show all the times that character goes to the bathroom, sleeps, or just sits in a room, alone contemplating on the way the rest of the world chooses to behave. Everything that happens to those imaginary people happens in real time, and is just condensed to fit into that half an hour block. That twenty minutes of time that broadcasting companies allow them to tell their story...
Today was one of those days that was ridiculously beautiful. I was just walking back from lunch and i just wanted to keep walking. I want to walk all over the country and just never stop. It was that beautiful, that peaceful, that kind of day. And maybe it was then that i realized i would do anything to just call my significant other, tell them to come outside and go on a walk with me, because the kind of person that i would someday date would love taking endless walks with me, especially on days like today. I just wanted to walk with someone. I don't know that i would have cared very much for conversation, just the company. The understanding and knowing that they love this day just as much as i do. Just knowing, there is no place that they would rather be. I just know because that's how i'd feel.
I have been watching scrubs almost non stop for the past couple days. It's just the thing that plays in the background when i live in my little room, with no roomate. Keeps me company and makes me think that i'm not completely alone. And, scrubs, i am JD. I don't know what i want, i have always been seeking the approval of others, i am overly sensitive, i sabatoge relationships on purpose, and i always want what i can't have. Then, when i actually get it, i don't want it anymore.
There is this one really good moment in "My Fault" an episode in the third season, also the third time that elliot and JD have "finally" gotten together. Elliot comes over and sits with JD on the couch. She looks at him and tells him "Well, you have me, you finally have me" and she kisses him, and immediately he realizes, in that kiss "Oh My God, I don't want her!" I have had that exact thought run through my head. Almost, phrase for phrase, and i don't know that i had seen that scrubs moment prior to this actually happening to me.
It's something that i didn't want to admit, because, just like what happened in scrubs, it ruins the friendship. Although, i don't think i've ever let that fully out there until just now. It was a mistake, and that was all that i could take away from it. I didn't want it to be a mistake because i had coveted it for so long, but, damn... damn.
So, if we want to be techincal about my life, it's following just in step with the outline of scrubs, at least with my love life and JD's. Right now i am in my third season of life. Mackenzie and Paul are my Turk and Carla. My Elliot is perhaps gone forever... funny how we can't be friends... My Dr. Cox is gone, off with his Jordan and hasn't spoken to me in about a month. And it makes sense this is my third season. Had my pilot run right before my junior year. Then got my full run in my junior year. Then got my 2nd season in senior year, and here we are freshman year again, mid 3rd season... I'll have to keep watching scrubs to see what happens to me next. It's nice to know that when i graduate college, so ends the series. Hopefully by then, i'll have that kind of resolve...
posted by chelC | 11:05 PM
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