wELL i CaN't HeLP buT Be ScAred of iT aLL SomEtimEs

There is so much changing around here. The constants i used to know seem to have shifted somehow. I don't think that the changes are going to be something that i am going to have to get used to, but it's funny how you don't realize how much you love something, or someone until you nearly lose them, or they are gone.
My friends Mackenzie and Paul are having problems. It's a long and detailed story about another man named Devin being involved and a pretty fucked up definition of a relationship with a point system. In that way, it was kind of a game. No one wins in the game that involves peoples hearts. And he has decided that he was manipulated, which is true, but, not entirely true. I saw what was going on during this, and decided not to get involved. Usually when i get invovled in other people's relationships the shit ends up back on me. And in the rules that had made up in the beginning of the year, Mackenzie's thoughts were wrong of her. They were free to see other people. And this, i believe is where confusion set in. They weren't "exclusive" anymore and therefore it wasn't a defined commitment. And she was confused about the feelings she had for another person, and i think she finally realized, the thought of someone else, not Paul, was something she couldn't do. If that's not a testament to, oh dare i say it?, love? i don't really know anything else it might be. And true, she did use the situation to her advantage and get verbal reassurance from Paul that he wanted her. She wanted him to proclaim to the rest of the world that "This is my woman and she is mine! And if you want her, fuck off!" But if anything, i have realized that men, all men, are reluctant to do so. For what reason? Your guess is as good as mine.
But here i guess gets to the heart of it, the part that really cuts a part of me. He can't "trust" her anymore. There trust has been broken and "it is going to have to be built from the ground up again". If you throw in a "i don't know if our trust is ever going to be the same, and i just don't think that i can forgive you for ruining us like this" and you have my break up scenario of almost two years ago.... god has it been that long? Feels like just a few months ago he was ripping my heart out of my chest... oh wait... that was just a few months ago...haha. Oh well. But i hate that argument, especially in these circumstances. Things just weren't defined clearly, i can understand her point, and i can understand hers too. But what i can't see is a betrayal of trust. She didn't toy with Paul using Devin just because she could, i believe her when she says she didn't know what to do and that she did have to grapple with the idea of Devin until she realized it just wasn't right. I hope that they realize what they have in one another. I would hate for something as stupid as this to tear them apart.
I am going out with someone tomorrow. Could i call it a date? Yeah. It's so easy of a definition, but it scares me. I don't go on dates, i go out. I feel like calling it a date makes it A. more serious, which i don't want it to be and B. i feel like i am getting older, which scares the shit out of me. I like the guy, he's really nice, we talk very often, ever since the beginning of the year, and seem to have a lot in common. But, here comes the but already, i think he may be too nice for me? Isn't that just the stupidest reason ever. But, as much as i bitch about situations being difficult, maybe i live for the fight. That, and what if it actually works out? What happens to my life?
I don't really like change. Scared to death of it actually because change leads me on an ever expanding path towards the future. I am not ready to grow up. For as mature as i believe sometimes that i am, i don't want the added stress of a family, a job, bills, debt, life in general. I am almost done with my first year of college which means i only have three more years left before school is over and i have a profession. How can i be ready for that already? I don't see it. Some girls by their senior year are engaged. ENGAGED! I know that can't be me. But, what can i really say i'll know for sure anymore? Everything i have ever been sure of has let me down, has changed when i believed with all my heart that it wouldn't because love was on our side.
I was wrong and i'm sorry. I hope to God i'm wrong and i will be ready, and that everything will work out. But i think this might just be the time that i get to be right. And that scares me too.