wHiLe YoU wEre SLeePiNG i wAs ListeNiN to tHe RaDiO aNd wOnDeRin WhaT yOU'Re dReamiN wHen, it cAMe to MiNd i Didn'T caRe

I have been faebook stalking around today and have had quite the range of emotions course through me. Who would have thought that looking through a bunch of people's current lives would make you think so much about your own, and how they used to/still do make your world go around.
So i started out this morning which, perhaps a poor choice. I looked at Brandon's facebook. I do check in on it from time to time and get a feel for what's goin on in his life. I think that i like to be a lot stronger than i am sometimes and believe that i don't need him in my life. And the very moment that i think that, i see his face, smilin in his profile picture and i want to pick up the phone and cry. All at once because i realize that he is not my friend anymore. He is not the thing that i rely on, the thing that i sometimes take my anger out on. If i could do one thing, i would say thank you for taking me to see my favorite band in the world. I know that i was mad at him while i was watching Adam on stage. And i regret it cause i feel like such a huge brat about it now. And i hate using the word brat. He used to be my best friend until about a month ago. That month that we didn't see eachother even though i was in town the entire time. Thereasa was more important... than me. He has just carved out a different life out up there without me in it. And he forgot to leave me a place. And that hurts so much that sometimes all i want to do is cry because there is this huge gaping hole in my heart. He has filled his heart with the friends he has always had up there. That was never meant to be me, I never planned on staying in the Bend. When i forget how much he has hurt me by telling scott what i didn't ask him to, causing a lot of un-needed friction between us, the way that he kept potential boyfriends at bay, i am not sorry he is gone. But more often than not i am somehow willing to let that go and all i do is miss his light in my life. Don't worry, i'll prolly be over it tomorrow... i hope, at least for a little while.
So then i go to David and Mia's wall to wall because those kids have seriously been crushin on eachtother for so long. And it makes me really really happy. And it turns out that i helped work a little of my magic tonight and i seriously hope that they hook up. I live through him kinda and i want nothing more that for things to work out for them. I really want david to be happy because i love him. Unconditionally. He is my best friend. No matter where he is, he includes me, he texts me often, we talk constantly on facebook. For him living a hundred of miles away from me he knows me better than some people living on campus who are friends of mine.
And then i hung out with Paul today, and it was fun. We waxed philisophical, and i really got holier than thou confused by what the conversation was and how it ended. I felt the uncanny sense that i had just had a conversation with scott cause the same ideas came up. "We are nothing in grand scheme of things". I shit you not, a direct quote from Paul's mouth. I think i irrationally fought him because i saw myself fighting scott, and trying to prove that there is love when i have been shot down by him so much in the past. I need to differentiate current discussions from inner battles because i let it get personal and it left a bad taste in my mouth until i figured out what it was. I want to believe in other people so much. I feel that it's necessary. I think because other people believe in me, and i feel it. So when people say, there may not be connections to anyone else and in the end we all die alone.... my life is a waste. So what is the worth in living? Think for that just a moment before you say it out loud to someone who's life is built on love.
So i end up on facebook again, and i look at my old notes. David telling me that we are unconditional to one another, that's love to all of you who don't understand our references. And then i read this note about my memories. It asks people to leave a memory that we have with eachother. So many people had such little things. JShook dropping little segments of our elicite trip to Chicago. Things i forgot. So many memories and people telling me basically how much i meant to them. The ways that i had indellibly touched their lives. That has always been my purpose in life. The thing that i want everyone to remember after i die. I was there and i made them happy. I made their life better in some small way. And then, i would be at peace.
In this memory business, i read what dan had written. It was so beautiful even now because i remember that night perfectly. It was gorgeous. I loved it, and i know that i will always love him. He is someone that i cherish and someone that my best memories are shared with. Something i think i forget in the middle of the day, but hope i don't forget my entire life.
I still care. That's all that i know. As much as i will forget, or try to let go, the people that i know and have learned so much about me, i will never stop loving. No matter how hard it is that i try...