HaPpY BiRThDaY DaRLiN, WE LoVe yOu vErY vEry MuCH

So once again, here we are and it is my birthday. Yay.
I had a lot of time to myself this day, much the way that i wanted and i have done a lot of thinking, being that it is my birthday and that a lot of my life is changing. So you wanna hear my thoughts? I don't give a shit, cause i wanna get this out. It makes me feel so much better.
So we watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the other night and i have realized how much i love that movie. I couldn't really put my finger on why for a while but last night at 3 am after talking to my best friend david and looking out my bedroom window i heard the Scrubs episode playing on my TV and at that moment JD said " it should have been me" in reference to Elliot being his. And i immediately realized why. Because i think ESSM is how i have always thought about my and Scott's relationship. It was horrible in the end and i hate him for it. But if i had to go back through all of my memories, i miss him terribly. I remember distictly back when we broke up that i wanted the procedure done. That i would just love to erase him from my memory and make all the pain of the situation just go away. But that movies is exactly the reason why i couldn't. I would want to keep a memory, even if it was just one. And then i think that if maybe we could just forget the bad times, and start clean, we could make it. It just makes me want to dye my hair one outrageous color or another.
One thing that i can't understand is my fear of commitment. And my one exception to the rule. Every guy i work to get close to, will show signs of commitment and then i get bored or afraid of being with one person that i run, and make it impossible for them to ever pin me down as theirs. I am a complete commitaphobe. I'm doing it as we speak. I make up excuses to not to go out. And this only happens with new people. The only person i have not done this with is Scott. He is the only one i didn't run away from at full speed. And i honestly don't know why. Why him? Have i changed? Have i been so hurt by that one experience i fear that, or am i just always holding out for that then... it can't be.
I can't think about this anymore. I'm upset that i have put so much thought into. I think i just want the impossible. I live for the chase. The caught is just not as much fun. This is the thing that makes me feel that i will never be able to get married and have children. Maybe in time i will like the caught instead of the chase... at least that's what i'll pray for. i don't know what's goin on with me and right now i am really just confused and not really into all my school work... i feel so disconnected.
Maybe now that i'm 19 and that's the really big last thing of this semester i'll be more commited.... I just don't know how to feel. I feel like i'm losing who it is that i want to be. I need to find my center and right now i am just completely thrown off. Perhaps next weekend will bring me comfort... although i doubt it.
Ugh, i wish i could find a close to this blog post and quit rambling and find an absolute summation but the problem is that i don't have one. I hope that you feel as unsatisfied as i do by this. Cause this, this is my life.
At least there is one thing that i can find solice in, i have the best friends in the entire world. I love them so much they will never even know...

wAsTeD TiMe RunNinG SCaRed wHen aLL a LoVe nEeDS is tO Be BeLiEvED iN

I have been writing on this online journal of sorts rounding on three years now. I am going to be honest with you and tell you that i never thought that this would last. I always seem to make the time, find the time, waste my time updating my thoughts. And another lie that i won't tell you is that everytime that i do update, at least most moments such as this one, i feel like it is a complete waste of my time. When am i actually going to get around to reading all of this rubbish anyway? Well, funny thing, i more often than not, have that occasional night when things in my life seem to be happening when they have already happend before and i re-read the things that i have written here and feel all of the emotion, see the small moments of wisdom that come and go so fast and feel better seeing when i have come from and a shaded path of just where i might end up.
On this day, the Counting Crows finally released a new studio album and i could not be happier with the results. I love the way that Adam Duritz sings to my heart. He is wrathy and angry, and so mournful and sad. He is the bipolar man in me and makes me feel more than most other people have in my entire life. Isn't that such a weird thing? I don't care, i love him reguardless, and someday i hope that he loves me too.
I walk around the campus in the sunshine and i wonder about all the things that i have to do today. Where am i going? What's going to happen when i get there? Who have i seen today? How did they make my day better or worse? Did that kid just flirt with me? Did i just make a new friend? There are so many thoughts like that that pass by in about five seconds. Then i take a deep breath and i am instantly ushered away by my memories to times when i am sitting next to lakes staring off into the distance wondering if every day of my life can be filled with this much joy. Will i ever feel that complete again? I wonder how people are from time to time. I see how much things have changed since i last knew them. It's not just our relationship that has changed with time, it's the way that i dress, the parking garage that exists that didn't before, it's the way that i didn't know my way around campus... it's so much more than a way that two people do, or rather, do not talk these days.
Me and Paul were discussing last night all the ways that we have changed since we have come to college. The things that we do, and we both find a very comforting thing being here. We love to go home and see all of those people, but there is something about the way that we belong here always makes it hard to leave. I can't imagine my life anywhere else. I think that's the way it's probably supposed to be... I never thought that my life could be so fulfilling without so many of the people that i swore would always be a part of it.
Something else that we discussed was where we want to go with our lives. I have a general idea, but there are so many things that i want to do. I want to travel, but i want to have a great job, but i want to have a husband and children with a stable home life full of love and family. And that is a lot, and i can't have it all... I think if i had to choose, i would just want the family. It's like a dream i never thought was really all that mine, but i think that i was wrong. I think that is what my life should be. That's what makes life worth living... doesn't it?
Well, i am done.
What else can i tell you? I can only ponder on the ideas of my life for so long.
I'm gonna go on a date.

mY miND iS rAciNg as iT aLwaYs wiLL, mY hAnd iS tiReD mY hEaRtAcHes i'M hALf a WoRLd AwAy heRE

So can you believe it? I'm back again. Let's see... let's see.. what all is new?
The boilermaker regional just wrapped. I'm tired as hell and it's been one of the carziest weekends ever.. i am thuroughly exhausted. But, on the plus side, my life never gets less interesting.
First, i feel like i should do a recap. Let's start from the boilermaker last year. Cause since even then, it's been holy hell of a time. I went through a dry spell that began months prior to that. Then when i got here, you know to college, about two months in, i made out with a stranger... well not completely a stranger his name was Walter and he goes to marion. That's pretty much all that i do know... Then i found out that scott still liked me. And we kissed, that was nice, it was weird. I think i fell out of love with him. And that is the saddest part. That and i lost one of my really great friends who i had a lot in common with. We ended our friendship i decided that was a poor choice, and what happend? we tryed being friends for about a week and a half. He told me he had a girlfriend, then he got pissed off that i knew what his ex-girlfriend looked like when i saw her on campus, completely flipped a bitch and we got in a stupid text fight and haven't talked since. On top of that, it's the moment i lost touch with brandon cause for one last time i realize that i cannot trust him with anything that i tell him. Then let's see... umm i met matt finally. Talked to him for months since october, and then made out with him twice. Thought maybe we might date... and i haven't closed that door completely but i don't know. I feel like we are compatible but he's not such a great kisser. Are we compatible physically? I'm not sure. And i don't know that i want to spend the time right now trying to figure it out. So this weekend, what happend? My VP of the student organization i was flirting with me like crazy since all of it started, there was a field attendant who gave me the eye and too much attention, and zach, another guy that worked concessions with me and flirted like a mad man and took me home yesterday. So, if you're asking me if i am currently stringing along three guys at once, i want to say no. I am not mutually exclusive with any and i have made no choices as of late.
I like how i have had this feeling that brant has been flirting with me since i joined the program and now i am absolutely positive. In a matter of 12 hours, he tryed to hang out with me at concessions and compliment me whenever i could, friended me on facebook, and then imed me moments later where we proceeded to talk for at least three or four hours. He asked me just about everything. What i did in highschool, what i do now, what i like to do on weekends, and i feel like i might like him. He's definately my type. Really taller than me, big, and not really big just, bigger than me which is perhaps my favorite thing of all. Plus, it is him. He's cute and genuine and two years older, somehow the perfect age....
It has been the craziest year, have you seen all that?
Anywho, Boilermaker was fun. I got see the team, they got picked for finals and that was great. I made $ 2,672 for the organization and i feel like i have at least nine times as many friend here than i did before. And the best thing is that none of them went to penn. I worked with brauer which was hilarity, zach, evan, josh, brant, and pat which all was just fun. I liked it. I now have two more friend on facebook, and an invitation to go out tonight and get completely shwasted and make perhaps a bad decision or two.
Life is better than it was. It makes me feel excited and the idea that i don't know what's going to happen is probably that feeling in my stomach.
It's hard to rehash the saddness that is my last year, but the excitement that is happening right now is great. Now if i can only get through the last of this semester with good grades and perhaps a lil somethin somethin on the end.

AnD LiFe BaRreLs oN LiKE a RuNaWaY TRaiN wheRe tHE PasSenGers CHANge tHey DoN't ChANge aNyThinG, yOu GEt oFf, SoMEoNe ELse CaN gEt oN.

I don't have a lot of time... that makes me sounds like i'm dying. I'm not really. It's just that i have to leave soon. That's my life. Small moments where i sit down and the world speeds up then i move and run with the spinning out of control world.
Sounds hectic. And it is.
Not much has happend. I went and saw Ben Folds. OH! so very good. I really enjoy him, and playing live for me was something that i will never forget. He's so talented and i do love his music. I don't care how old i'll get, i'll always enjoy it. I hope i look as good as he does when i'm forty. And i can only hope i'll be half as talented as he is.
It feels like so much is going on and there really isn't anything. I work all the time. I'm doing better in school. At least, i am doing what i expect of myself now. After a first round of subpar exam scores, except of course for my chemistry, i am doing better. All of my homework averages have inclined for all of my courses. I got an 82 on a calc exam and that is without the curve with about an average of a 62. Things are looking up... fingers crossed that's how things actually work out to be.
I feel like when i am doing well i have control of my own destiny. I think that's why i dislike doing badly in school. I should be able to control one thing in my life... that thing being grades. That and i know that i want to do my best. I want to be better than average. Hopefully math will be my only C... and even then i know i can still get a B. I will get a B.
I had a dream a few nights ago that me and Scott were friends. We met up and talked and talked... and it was the best time i had in a while. Everything made sense. It was just so easy... and i know that nothing is really like that in real life.
I wonder what dan is up to. I wonder what brandon is up to. I don't have time to wonder.
I'm going back to West Lafayette soon. My spring break officially started today and i'll be going home tomorrow. I'm not happy about it. I miss my friends. I want to stay, but that's just not the way things are.
I kinda miss matt right now. I didn't get to see him before break and lord only knows when i will see him again. With my schedule and... well with all the shit i have to do, i don't know when i'll be free... to say the least it might be a while. I hope not that long.
I think i need to start my day. After the coma i had last night, it might be a good idea to go and do something.