yEs fOR tOniGHT, i'LL staY hERe wiTh yOu, bUt wHen THE sUNLighT hiTS yOUr EyES, thEre'LL Be NothiNg yOU cAN dO

I woke up this moring, forgetting what day it was, afraid that i had slept in until noon and that i would have to leave straightaway for work. Imagine my surprise and happiness when i found that it was still saturday and iwas awake at the early hour of nine. I rolled back over and listened to the playlist on my computer. It's really beautiful. I makes me smile, and cry and laugh all at the same time.
Cry: Damien Rice, O, and a little of the B-Sides is on there. There is a quality about that album that will alway pull at my heart. Plus, i listen to it and am reminded that one night a long time ago... almost a year, my two best friends stayed with me until three in the morning while i cried, and cried, listening to that album in the dark. I had never felt more vulnerable in front of people, and i never will.
Smile: Joshua Radin is on there a bunch too, and it's really soothing. The words remind me of things that i used to do, conversations i had. I like to think about my life like that, a sequence of words that tell my story. Like one big script that's written after we say it.
As i was laying in the tanning bed, i thought of last night. I watched The Cider House Rules last night. Was up until two in the morning. I thought of what else i would be doing on a normal friday night. Who i would be hanging around with. I just makes me wonder. Wonder what all those other people are doing that i used to be such good friends with.
It hurts to think that they aren't around anymore. I miss dan when he goes away to college. It was never hard to talk to him, and it still isn't. I don't think about what i am going to say before i say it in front of him. I don't know if you want to call that stupidity, or if it's just honesty that few people have. I wish he didn't have to go away, but then, i would never do what i am supposed to if he stayed.
I hate that Brandon and i don't see eachother hardly anymore. It's not that bad cause i mean, we see eachother at least once a week, and talk almost everyday. It's just a habit, talking to your best friend every night. Weird, i know. Our paths just don't seem to cross, he has to work when i don't, I work when he's free. School is a huge conflict, things were so much simpler last year.
I wish he could find someone that makes him happy and he could date, for a very long time.
I read somewhere that it's not worth dating a person, dating a friend, if you don't stay friends after you break up. It makes so much sense. I hate that scott hates me. I can't change that. I find it so werid to have someone that you entrust with so much of your life and they just disappear. It's almost like we never met. He rarely crosses my mind much anymore. I have to really try to remember him, the way he carried himself, his laugh, his angry voice. It's like a very faded photograph, all the details are worn away and i am just left with a vauge idea of who he really was. The last time we talked was more of a good-bye than any other moment in my life. Every other time, there is a hope of "i will see them again" and both people feel it. It is a distinct possibility. When he shook my hand and got into his car, we both said see you later, but i don't think we meant it at all.
I try so hard to believe the best in people. When people can't believe the best about me, it all disapates. It feels like years have passed. And we all know that's just crazy talk.
I get those moments in the day where i randomly think about a person. I immediately think how awesome it would be to see them again, how good it would feel. I don't think about what we would say, cause we don't have much left to say to eachother anymore. And i don't want to think about things like that. I would just assume we could pick up right where we left off and never have that akward coming back together.
I miss Seattle today more than i ever have. I just don't want to be here, doing my job, going to school. I want to be out west, where things are so much more vibrant. The green feels more green, the orange pops, the red stains, and the sunsets have a range of colors that we don't get in indiana. I want to walk in the rain along the city street. I want to walk next to the ocean. I just want to walk, and talk to someone i care about very close and very intensely. I just want to walk, walk until my feet fall off and my legs colapse under me. I want to feel like i have traveled. I want to feel the rest of the world melt away, and i want to be there, Standing through it all.
I feel it more than ever this time of year. Things are coming to a close, and really they already have. I am not who i was. Thinking about what if's and how were's seem so trivial. They hurt in a more personal way. In a way that i won't ever show to anyone. It's not over dramatic melodrama anymore. It's a personal pain that we all hold close to our heart. The shadows form around the moon from time to time, but it's not a show. We'll keep it a secret, save for that moment of intense intoxication and we are with a friend that has not idea, has never met these people, and then we'll just cry. Both you and your clueless friend will cry. Because it's understood, he doens't understand you, you don't understand him, and that's okay. It's like i said, a secret. A personal pain that no one can understand, and we are all very good at playing the magician. Look, my hurt magically disappears when the sun rises and we go off to live our lives with joy and love.

aND i KnoW iT's EaSy to SaY bUt iT's HArder tO feEL, thiS wAY

I was sitting here and my stomach was hurting so i thought, what would be better than putting a few of my thoughts down on some digital paper? That's right, nothing is better than this very thing. Nothing.
I had an interesting night of dreams and such. Basically i am a huge ho in my dreams. No, not really a ho. But i do end up having some intense romantic moments with people i don't even know. People i pass in the hallway, or have seen only once in my life. It's one of those great things that only happens in dreams. What if? That was the game that was made for dreams. Really it was.
I just searched the web for about twenty minutes reading about my zodiac sign. Interesting things, let me tell you. I was surprised to find out just how right on it was about my personality. And the other signs i read sound just like my friends too. It says that i lose interest easily. All i want to do is inspire in people what they can not get elsewhere. I find a project, or an idea and i stick with it, no matter what gets in my way. I am strong willed and let few things i want get away. It makes me smile. Future endeavors, what an exciting time to have... maybe.
I know brandon must be getting tired of hearing about this, because he doubts me so very much, but i really can't wait until Mitch gets home. I have a lot of next weekend off because of the music performances i have, and that gives me a lot of nights off, including next saturday. That gives me opportunity. I don't know what it is, but Mitch intrigues me. There is a story there, and i have a feeling it's a good one. That and he's lost his entire faith in women kind. Who am i to say that i don't want to put a little faith back in him, or have him put some faith in me... reawr.
There's a lot i don't understand. But as time is going on, i feel like i am coming to terms with something that is bigger than me. I feel that all of the walls that i built around myself to keep me in the dark are falling down and i feel like my eyes are dialating and i see everything. I feel like i am filled with a warm light and all i can do is look around me and smile. That and i look in people's faces and smile. I feel different, I feel sane, tame. I like the way things are going right now.
I find myself talking to Kyle a lot in robotics and it makes me feel good about life. All we do is laugh and make fun of the things that would otherwise drive us crazy. Heidi says she would like to see us date. HA! I don't think so, he's just my good friend. Kyle says that his dream is to see me and Mitch date. Kyle thought we had a bit of a thing goin on back when we all saw Borat together..... It's hard to explain. Perhaps me and mitch did have a thing, but it's like we take a step forward and two steps back. It's a dance, and if it wasn't a dance, maybe i wouldn't enjoy myself as much. I will admit it's fucking annoying sometimes when you want to sit down enjoy that movie and hold hands, but hey, it's about the chase right? Right. So i hope kyle's dream comes true, although i kind of laughed it off to begin with. We'll see what happens this week. I here i have an impatient streak, so i hope something moves in the forward direction.
Sometimes when i close my eyes i am on a boat somewhere in the middle of the pacific. I am sitting on the deck in the sunshine just looking out at the water. I don't have a job, i don't need one. My life is on the ocean, and that's all i need. If life was that perfect, that's what it would be. Nothing but water, peace, and someone to share it with. That's all that we really want, someone to be happy with. At least that's all i've ever wanted.
I want my sister to have a baby really badly all of a sudden. I want to be a sweet ass aunt, the way that i know i will eventually be. I just want a taste of the future as i know it will be. I will get married, move, somewhere, have a job, and the thing that i want most, start a family. I want to have children someday, i don't want all this sweet genetic make-up to be wasted. I never realized until lately how really important kids are to me. I understand for other people that they don't want kids, or don't really care one way or another. But, to have something that is half you and half of the one person that you absolutely can't live without, doesn't that make it the most wonderful thing in the world. I know that it is responsibility and for all real purpose, a shit load of debt, it's my legacy. It's my immortality, a piece of me living and passing on an even tinier piece of me into the future. Having a niece or nephew would remind me of what the future is going to bring. Mmmm...
Right now, the only thing that i want to do is go up to that beautiful room of mine, turn on that beautiful "death" mix of mine, from a time where i really thought i might die, and fall asleep with melodies of Joshua and Damien swirling round my head. That and i need to go tanning tomorrow. I would also just love to hit the gym, but i somehow feel that ain't gonna happen.
It's funny how things we do over and over in a specific period of our life take us right back to that time in our life. This now explains how i cannot even look at a Sudoku and why i still have not had everclear/atomic koolaid. Sometimes there are just certain things you got to leave behind.

WiTh my shiRt tUCKeD iN anD mY sHoES UntiED, aNd i toLd yoU nOt to fOLLow Me.

I sat in class today, psychology. I don't really think that much in that class, at least not about the subject. I usually space out, maybe go on a tangent of my own thinkning after sassy mentions some subject that sparks in me. Today, i was just sitting up right in the shiney new desks that i hate. I smiled. I could feel that my face was warm, my eyes were softened, it was almost like a trance. I got this mental image of what i must look like to the rest of class, or at least sassy. I just looked at the sunshine out the window. I don't belong in psychology. I belong in that tangent of my imagination.
I get that feeling that there is a certain pattern to life. Lately, i have become friends with these guys. There are four of them, all in a band together. I became good friends with one of them, and that just kinda brought me into the rest of the group, and now i hang out with all of them, not always when they are all together. Now, my friends have specualtion that a few of them have crushes on me. Nothing would happen, i don't really think of any of them like that. Heidi jokes that i am going to break up the band. I don't want to be the yoko. I don't think that i will. I think it's funny that there are four of them, and... it's just kinda like history is repeating itself with different players.
I've been in such a great mood lately, and i see it reflecting in everything. I don't know if it's just my mind set, but i feel like i have a lot more people around me, talking to me, being friends with me. I feel like i laugh so much more. I am so much more aware of everything. I feel like i am doing better in school, maybe i am just more dedicated. I finally feel like i am connecting to my teachers. Usually it's my english teacher, ha not this year. It's more my calculous teacher, i really like Ms. Wiseman, she's really nice, and i like Mr. Langfeldt, at least he has passion about what he's doing. I think that's what it is. Both of my favorite teachers care, they love what they do. I only pray i can have a passion for my life's work the way they do for theirs.
I can't believe that it is november already. My last year of high school is slipping away from me. I have done so much already and i know that there is a lot more to come, but i know that it's going o go fast. Right after thanksgiving, then are all my concerts, and my trend analysis paper that will push me over the edge into winter break. I'll spend most of my time with dan and brandon when he isn't working. I have a feeling that in that respect, life will be much like it was last year. I don't know why i just think of wet snowy days and hanging out at the Stevensons, or walking into Guitar center... did we ever even do that? Then kick-off and the six weeks is going to take me well into march with recovery included. Then competition starts and finally there is april with the concert in indy and all of our spring concerts in may. Then, june, the final thing, graduation. It will be just like that too... it's going quick.
I have other things i should be doing now. I'll do them in the morning of course. I realized i don't like so much the late hours of the day, like 10, 11 and 12 but i love 3, 4, and 5. I think it's cause anyone can stay up until 12, but who really makes it to 4? I do.