BLaH kiNda LiFe StYLe

I just got off of work. What a day this was. School. Getting up at six o'clock in the morning and then spending the day with people in Penn... suck. But the classes were at least interesting. It's nice to look at what i am doing and realize how not shy i am anymore. GOD! That feels so good. I can only thank my crazy ass friends for that. Brought me out into the good life. But, it's just so easy to mess with the teachers. I seriously think this is my best year ever! I can't imagine it gets much better.... but we'll see. So school really wasn't that bad. It was just the fact that I had to go to work right after. And I hate that I am so trained and that all the new people get to go home because they don't know how to close as well as me... damn me for acceling at simple minded tasks. But yea just got home and just ate my first meal of the day maybe thirty minutes ago... mmm. Now i have about two hours of homework to do.. so this should be an interesting night. I am hoping to finish all of it and then do most of the homework for friday so that i can go out tomorrow. Maybe coffee? Prolly. Nothing really cool happend this week. I know it's only wednesday, but still. You would think that there would be some kind life happening. Not so. I did go out for coffee with dillon yesterday, that was actually really fun. He has a great taste in music. And he is freakishly intelligent. It's the closest thing i have found to the boys who left for college so far. I was tempted to ask him what he thought about the speed of light... but i had to resist. Perhaps another time. But yea, good times, good kid. Then i got home and had homework, but didn't feel like it. And then i found out that brandon hadn't left for purdue like he had planned so , i ended back at bella vita. Hehe. I just love that place. So we sat and talked for a while. There are some people that are supposed to be coming home this weekend and it would be nice to see them.... unfortunately i don't know if that is going to pan out. I might end up at my uncle bob's for drunken weekend of fishing and boating and playing polo on golf carts... damn that is a fun game. It always seems to end up in bumper cars, and no one is pissed until the next morning. You just have to know when to leave... so that might happen. Either that or i am working all weekend. It's going to be a ridiculous no fun time for me no matter which way it goes. i found this notebook the other day that me and my friend would write back and forth to each other in. It had a lot of things in it that i forgot. Inside jokes that somehow fizzled out and i have no idea how... oh well. I guess that's what they call growing up. Okay, i just have to say the comment that you left on this site ben, fucking hilarious. I love the way you believe i am punk... hehe.... at least a little. I definately read it out loud and i have no freakin idea why... but yea. Atomic koolaid... the good old days. I'm seriously lacking in that area. There have been no good parties since all the cool kids left town. And one last thing to you ben, diggin the blondeness. Touche. Damn, lifes boring. Not too much else that's goin on. Have a kick ass Cd collection now. I'm happy with it. 136 CDs or somethin like that. More music than i am ever going to need. I can't get past the Arcade fire right now. I don't know why. They sound just like modest and i love that, but i am not in the mood to listen to modest... weird i know. Brandon did give me aqualung and that is a hard thing to put down. I had listened to it before and i did like it, but something about it... it's like one continuous song. Smoothy rising and falling like it is all one. Beautiful job. Guess I should get on that homework now. I might actually get more than five hours of sleep if i start working... woot! But then again, you don't really need all that much sleep anyway. I will be just fine. As long as all the work is getting done... So to all, see you soon hopefully. Have some fun for me, cause I really like to hear that you are well and living life to the fullest. Till then, continue rocking my socks, face and other apendages socks off.

nOtHinG On

Late on a saturday night and a girl is sitting at her computer reading about the adventures of other people's lives and she compares them to hers. Some are better, some are worse. She is just fine with that. But stumble upon a site of someone she doesn't really know and read about life as she doesn't know and misses her friends. The ones that made her think. No, she doesn't miss them that terribly much. It must be something else. Oh right, that the thoughts and theories she reads she can't help but understand. Telling her that her life, her adventures are pointless. Her life is based completely on the social and other people knowing her. She can't make a difference. In the long run she is nothing. And she is mad that she couldn't have thought of it on her own and had to be told like a child. It's a sad world, but hey, not gonna let that get me down. If I let every mean thing that people told me get to me, I would have been dead long ago. See in this world you build thick walls... just don't let anyone have the key or you could end up dying from the inside out... School started on wednesday. It wasn't too bad. I had to get to school at 7:30 to get into main lot and believe me it came close to not getting in. But i hung around. Good times. Went to homeroom, god i hate all choir homeroom. Fucking sucks, all those preppy bitches. Dan you understand me. I don't know how i am going to keep from killing them... gonna be an interesting time to say the least. Then walked towards my precalc with none other than Trent Yeoman. Jesus, I nearly died laughing when i read my schedule and then actually had class with him.. kept thinking of the funny shit dan said and brandon... god! But on the way walking up foriegn language hallway i got poked in the back. KEVIN!!! Holy shit i missed that kid. He said he had wanted to call me over the summer for my council and listen to some kickass music with and realized he didn't have my number. Pity, but it's all good. Immediately after he had poked me, Jesse did. Missed him too. Gave him a hug, asked him how the girlfriend was. And then actually ran into her. Chelsea is such a sweetheart. I understand why Jesse is totally in love with her. And she has a kickass taste in music, and pretty, blonde hair and all. So yea then classes all day. Seminar I liked. Cool kids. Talked to some old teachas. Mrs. Gray I missed like none other. Jesus! I am gonna miss her class. And her, she was just an awesome teacher. But I took Jesse home the first two days of school. I think i might do that everyday cause i hate to drive alone and he can find good music wherever we go. Wilco might be coming to Elkhart soon. Damn I know. I guess there was an article about it in the Observer, that's the ND newspaper. But it has already been decided that Jesse is going to get the tickets and I am going to drive... hehe. I think I might ask Kevin if he wants to join. It sounds like a promising ticket. Still haven't found any stimulating conversation up here. Actually Jennifer Shook, yea Chris's little sister, is pretty close. She has some goods ideas and is easy to talk to. That and we have almost the same schedule. LAb PARTNERS!!! fuck yess.. By the way, if i didn't mention that i am abso-fucking-lutley in LOVE with my physics class this year.. I AM! I don't know. From everything Kistler has said so far i think that i am going to enjoy this class thuroughly. I don't know. It just sounds like my thing. A lot of the convo is simply, yea my summer... blah blah blah. I just think i need to find the right group of thinkers. In a school of threethousand... yea this won't take long at all..... I have been spending a remarkable amout of time with Brandon these past few days. There are a few things about the summer that i can only talk to about him though. I mean he is the only one that really understands the situation. There are just a lot of things from the summer that are still getting at me. And i know that he won't tell anyone because he really doesn't have anyone to tell. I mean, scott. Yea he prolly heard all about everything i said, but i really don't give a shit so much.... it doesn't matter to me anyhow. There are still things i don't tell anyone except for my little notebook which no one gets to see.... it's our little secret. Isn't that right notebook.. (notebook nods) seeI told you. Well.. I guess I don't have that much to say left. School: Check Life:Check Thoughts on life: Check. Oh, right. Me. I should prolly explain a little of that. Because, on further recollection, I don't explain myself very well, and i don't think that many people know the real me. Heidi brandon true they are the couple, few. But i don't think that everyone is getting the right idea here. I mean, they only see the good or they only see the bad. Don't they understand that i am balanced. Good and bad. I hate you and i love you. God! Oh go on. Leave me be for a while. I'll elaborate on this more later. Just so you people can finally understand me. Maybe it would make things easier if.. you actually knew how to handle me...

PLeaSe ExCusE, I goT boReD

i just like it....

darker kinda shadowy 

cake eating.. mmm 

BitS aNd piECeS of wHatNOT

Finally done with all the summer reading! Whew. That was something that only took tow weeks of my summer to accopmplish... I only freaked cause it ended up being the last two... procrastinator extrodinaire i know. But now I have the last weekend of my freedom to do whatever it is that i want! Pity all of my friends are either away at college or still have their own summer reading to finish. Maybe I'll spend that time with dan.. he isn't gone, yet. It's a pity that I had to work this weekend and that my boss increased my hours. Desiree came to my work the other day and asked me if I wanted to drive down to Purdue with her and see everyone before school starts... damn you Gloria Jeans. She's prolly still going. Wish I could too.. ugh. But then again, I did just see them. I'll live. I did hear from this guy i work with, Andrew, who used to go to purdue and is taking this semester at Ivy tech about these two restaurants i should go to if i am ever down there. One being Nile Blue or Blue Nile and they have very good falaffals. Plus it's also a hookah bar. And this place called Triple X off of Chauncey. I guess after twelve or one it turns into an all smoking area. I thought that would be useful to all my smoker friends currently residing in West Lafayatte. So the new kid i work with told me that highschool football started tonight. He asked me who penn was playing. I honestly didn't know we had a game nor did i know or hardly give a shit as to who it was against. I have realized I really don't like how much money our school wastes on getting new jerseys and advertising for all of the football games. I really don't like them. There are plenty of other things that we could be publizing. I mean no other athletic team gets as much recognition. The knowledge bowls, the entire technology division, nothing. I am very much against highschool sports. Yet I don't have a problem watching professional football... not much of a hypocrite. Guess I didn't have as much to talk about as i had originally thought. I got a myspace. I don't know about it. It's a good picture though.. i think... not sure really.. I don't care. But I did decide that this year i am going to get in shape. Hey, if i don't have friends to go out with and eat all the time, i'll make friends who will run with me... eww just the thought of running. But I could do it !treadmill style!, similar to R kelley style with more sweating. But yes, the diet starts tomorrow. I think it will be for the best. My sisters wedding and whatnot. It's really the whatnot i'm doing it for... oh whatnot. Listened to The entire album Transatlantacism by Death Cab For Cutie the other day and about four times in between. I really think it is life changing. God, It was so... I mean... I need you so much closer.... And at that moment, I did need Ben Gibbard so much closer. That and Neutral Milk Hotel. Thank god I burned that from dan. Definately was in need. I think that am going to take a nap for a while. Just until the guys get in from their night of partying. I so much enjoy talking to Ian at like two in the morning and brandon when he is at home for his lunch break. But I mean. God, i have only slep like three hours in the past 48 becaues I talk to them all night. Then i lay in bed thinking for a lil bit and writing and my notebook. And then i have to wake up early for work then i go out and come home and wait for them... love it so. So yea. Napping sounds like a good plan. I don't have anything better to do. Plus I get reall slap happy when I don't sleep. I am sure that I was talkin to Ian and brandon last night, and they kept laughing, but i don't remember what at... prolly me. That and I think i saw brandon this morning and talked to him on the phone, but I don't remember that either. So instead of being like a walmart employee, half retard, i am going to get some rest and act sane.

quEstiOninG EvERythiNg wHen i sHouLD OnLy QuEstiOn mE

Just sitting here listening to some bright eyes that i am burning along with a lot of other good selections from that of dan stevenson because he is leaving and it would truly be a waste to let all of this beautiful music waste away from me. I had to take a break from all of my summer reading. I have been working very hard and am actually ahead of schedule. So there;s that going for me. But it this is also a chance to let all of my thoughts drain so that I can focus again... Drawing conclusions about the summer, i have decided it was long. It doesn't feel like a few months have passed. I have lost all concept of time and the spacial reality of one occurance to the next. It seem that the summer was more like a year. Maybe it was because so much change came about in it. Or because of all the anger and then the making up and the joy and hours of time just spent in eachothers company. Even towards the end it didn't speed up. At points we said "the time has just flown by and now its over" but this is completely untrue. It was long and beautiful and it will never be over. In all this time of change can you really blame a person for questioning everything around them? I am starting to feel the ground come back to my feet after floating around somewhere in space this summer. So I question how good a friends i was with some people. Looking back to see how many times it was that i was able to make people laugh and how i was never able to make some laugh. It seems that i only brought down peoples spirits and make them more depressed. Which has me wondering if i am truly depressed at heart. Is all that I have for life such misery and will i spend all of my time being negative and making other people hurt with me? Lauren had brought this up when we had our screaming match. She told me that i was in such beautiful spirits when there were a lot of people around but when it got down to just me and her i would get fearfully depressed and made her worry about me because i have nothing to be so depressed about. I have a good life and an able mind blah blah blah. Maybe I am just mad because I think that life should not be so sticky. I want more of the black and white. There is too much gray and so many different shades that I can't make heads or tails of it right now. This really doesn't have anything to do with change. Life has always been like this and I am just trying to blame it on something. I always try and balme my feelings on something else. I am trying to get over this or am rebounding from this and a million different excuses. I wonder when it is that I will face the problem and realize this is how i am. I can't understand everything and never will and the fact that i try and try to reason my way through life only hurts my cause. :*in an honest side note i am deathly worried that i am not intellectually sound enough to be friends with those who have left for college.... well some. I think that they can see right through me and know how much of a fake i am that i am not nearly as smart as i seem to be. Better to keep my mouth shut and be thought of as a quiet and just thinker than to open my mouth and have it realized i am but a fool.*: I don't know what brought about this change of heart or opening my eyes to what i really am and i don't want to try and justify it. There is no reason as to why i should. Now I am listening to Coldplay Parachutes and i understand as to why Dan thinks this is their best album. It's more true and caring than that of a rush of blood to the head. A more brutal kind of honesty that deals more with people and emotions than time and events. And i love people more than time and places. Another random thought that stirs in my head and has to be more truth is that i want to try and take care of people to hide my own ability to take care of myself. In my last attempt for self pity I try and keep this a secret. I found this notebook of mine the other day and it was from the past year i wrote in it all of my poems and thoughtful words. And i look back and see how smart i think that i was and how troubled i was. I was always one step away from total happiness or complete failure and going crazy. It was a veritable purgatory in which i think i left a good piece of me behind. I got confused by life and maybe forgot how to be very well happy and forget about the bad things for a while. Some may say this is having knowledge and not ignorance but would stupidity really be better? This is something i don't know and will not claim to know. I am done trying to claim that i am better or smarter or wiser. I don't know shit and am giving up on trying. I don't want to know the secrets of the cosmos. The only think i want to understand it people. If all of my life i could just understand people even a miniscule more than i do now, i would die in a peace that i could create for myself. This is such a pathetic post indeed. Full of look at me i am sad whine whine whine. So don't bother reading it. Here's the warning. But i'll put it at the end. Smart people know to begin at the end so they are sure that if they should die half way through they still know how the story ends. And just the same ever good write knows to write the last words first so that it will always have a conclusion. Unfortunately for me i have no conclusion. No last bit of information to say that i have learned anything or that this post has done good to better my life. All that I know it that I don't know. Is that something? It will have to do for now. To all of you lovlied who read this trifle of a thing called blog I know you and love you very much. Best friends as you wouldn't believe. And to each of you know that this summer has been the best of my life. Assured there will be times that will take the top spot and this will fall among the ranks. But sixteen years is a short while to have something that could be much better. So for now, this will be the thing to look back on and cherish. Becuase it seems like a good idea at the time... To Dan: You are the most talented musician i have the fortune of calling my dear friend. Someday you will be more amazing than you already are and it will be like looking at the sun, almost too much. You have such a gift for literature and can most definately pick a good book from a bad one. Same way with music, tremendous taste. I don't want to give away all how amazing you are cause i have to have something left for that letter.. and i don't want all the women to gang up on you at once. To Ian: It has been a tumultuous summer and i don't think that we ever had a fair chance. You are a rare person and have such a talent for hacking and computers that i never believed was possible. At least not possible being only five miles away from my front door. I apologize for getting you in trouble and having you miss out on those last days that you were here. Seeing you made my days better and thinking about you always made wherever i was better. I have a feeling that looking foreward to seeing you each month will be the thing that keeps my spirits high even when life seemingly sucks. You may not like coldplay but at 1:52 of Warning Sign from a rush of blood to the head is the absolute truth. To Brandon: Time goes on. I've put you through a lot and for that i apologize. But i cannot apologize anymore. Someday everything will be alright. When? I am not sure. But no I don't regret this summer. No matter what i say, know that i loved every minute and that i wouldn't change any moment for the world. Nor can i. i mean we started an amazing trend. Who before thought of steak n' shake at two in the morning? You are a good person. Always will be and i know that for a fact. It will be a good year. One of change i am sure. To Scott: I am sorry to question your friendship. I can't explain myself. Just to say that I am sorry. I have learned so much from you and I loved all of the times that I have ever been in your presence. You exude such an energy that makes me unable to stop smiling and then there is the part of you that broods and breaks my heart. Through good and bad remember that you are a friend to me and always will be. I will never be able to fully explain how how and what you are to me because if i could i would have all the answers to the universe. Pink clouds is a masterpiece. I still stand by what i said on that couch outside ians house on the sixth so long ago. Do you remember? I knew it then and i know it now. To All: I love you. I never dreamt to meet people like you and can't understand how i have been graced by your lives. Through all the shit, i never stopped being thankful. Not matter how much more i have to go through, at the end i know that i will still be thankful. Forver doesn't mean that long these days, but for me, your shall be considered my friends until the day i die and long past then. Until the world ceases to be and perhaps into a time that another earth begins. My forever is eternity which is always. Love Forever And Always, Chelsea

Neutral Decembria

Middle of the afternoon, a casual monday. Unfortunately, so casual that it seems there is nothing left to do. I could read and finish my summer reading that is breathing down my neck, but something makes me very much not want to do that. It would be nice to just get it over with.... alright after the post i am going to finish it. It's time. School starts in a week and i have to get on with it. If i don't, i never will. Then i will be royally fucked to start my year and i really don't want it to happen like that. The other night when I went to steak n' shake with dan, imagine my surprise when david and libby and becca walked in! I was genuinely happy to see them but then noticed that they did nEveryone had left for college. The exception being dan. And he will be gone in no less than a week. It's a sad thing. But not really. I don't know how to decribe it because i think that i am going back to school with ten times the knowledge and drive than i have ever had before. I am brimming with self confidence and at the same time i am missing everyone who left. I just know i am going to be walking around a corner in school and expect to see one of them walk past me and give them a casual hello. This i know will never happen. I will miss the fishbowl and everyone meeting there after school to chat before going to their respective houses or jobs. I'll miss the routine and the routes that i took, going to chem and seeing ian pass in the hallway who walked with ben even though at the time i didn' t know him, seeing brandon on my way to choir at the end of the day and seeing ruby and walking with her to her chem and then to my music theory. I guess it's just a time of change and I will be able to get over it... maybe... ot look in my general direction. Not only that, they didn't seem to want to acknowledge my existence period. I don't blame them and that is only my interprutation. Perhaps they didn't want to intrude on the conversation me and dan were having or something like that, but i was still a little let down. It was the thing i was the most afraid of. Going back to school and having everyone shun me. And have no friends and walk around in a state of almost non existence. This is a very rash statement and completely ridiculous but... who have i talked to still going to penn this entire summer? It's entirely my fault and oh well. I didn't want to give up any time i spent with anyone that i did. It was too good of a time to have a thing like thinking about not having friends in the future to dampen it. But seeing as how they are gone now, these thoughts kinda crept in. Of course, luckily for me, i went to steak n' shake last night and i saw david there with his senior friends, and stephanie and sara with their different group of friends. I talked to stephanie and realized how much i missed her and decided to go over to davids table and talk to him. It's a beautiful thing how we slip right back into the niches we have always had. Talking to him came quickly and easily and I was so happy. I saw he had been doing the same thing i had over the summer, spending a lot of time with his friends who were leaving and I can't wait to see him and everyone else at school. It is not impossible to live in two completely different worlds. My heart is split in two. One half lives here in highschool and the other is down at purdue and IU. You could say that my heart is broken, or you could say that i am just sharing the love. I prefer to think the latter. Now, after a long summer and a lot of new music being introduced to me and some just becoming more aquainted with, I can't help but listen to certain songs and thing of places and goods times and there are other in which I listen to anything by a certain artist and i think of a specific person. For my own benefit of remembering years and years from now i will wirte these songs and artists down. Whenever I Hear "Such Great Heights" as sung by Sam Beam I think of floating around in brandon's pool half freezing with dan playing it on his guitar and watching the expanse of stars soar over my head. In my mind they are probably more brilliant than they actually were. When I listen to "Here's To the Night" by Eve 6 I think of driving in brandon's car coming home from michigan and sticking my head out the window to see the moon. I hear "Aeroplane Over the Sea" and I think of scott playing it on dan's guitar in brandon's backyard. That and also driving home from saying good bye to scott before he left for college. Which is probably the reason anytime I hear any Neautral Milk Hotel I think of scott. And time I listen to the Decemberists I think of Dan. And when I hear Claudio Sanchez and the rest of Coheed & Cambria I think of Ian. I don't know why exactly these few just pop out at me, but they do. And I smile and think upon it and am a better person inside. So to an end I give you. Know I am thinking of you fondly whomever it is that you are. Because i my heart you will always remain. And try not to think me selfish if I also wish to have you in my arms a little while too.....

KeEpinG seCRets Of SilencE

God it has been one very long weekend but a very good one at that. First of all on thursday I went over to ians house and there was a very good little party going on. I enjoyed myself thuroughly. Ben go tback in town and it was very nice to see him. He really is a good kid and very funny/interesting/new, a change to say the least. And a very welcomed change at that. But i think that the guest list included me scott brandon for a short while ben of course ian and hannah actually. It was a very very very good time and hannah did a good job taking care of all of us. She is one of the coolest little sisters i have ever met. So there was that. After much walking around and not sleeping the morning came and scott left for work. Brandon came back to the house and went to the bank with me to get money and ben had meagen come get him. So me and ian and brandon went to see the dukes of hazard and it was good. Ian fell asleep at his house and we left for the day. I slept all of the next day trying to rest up because we were going to do the same thing on saturday. So i slept all day. It was the anniversary of chad and i had a tough time dealing with it. That and early the morning of the anniversary of his death scott tried to tell me that there was no such thing as true love. big mistake. a very touchy subject at the touchiest time of the month for me. I was told i got very violent with him the night i was with him and then at my house at two in the morning he stirred it up again. I know he must have forgotten and there have to be a lot of things on his mind as he leaves for college and all of the people he will not see for a while and the past creeping up on him as always... i still was hust and mad at the things he said about love though. And me not being able to explain myslef only made me more upset. But after thinking about it for a long time i have what i want to say.... You can't just say that true love isn't real. Or that love is horrible beacause it causes jealousy and all the other things. Just because you had a bad expirience with it doesn't mean that it is all bad nad worng and killing the world. And why do i believe in true love? How can i prove it's existance? I can't and that is you whole point. But one of your points is also that it depends on your point of reference. I have to believe that there is one true person i belong with out there. They are looking for me and i am looking for them and when i find them i will know. Why you ask? Because i need something to believe in. I need something to keep me going everyday. If i didn't i would have given up on life a long time ago. You talk about how you believe the world is a big fluke and the way that our lives are completely meaningless and we don't even matter. So why do you not believe in true love? Simply your point of reference. The same way that i believe in true love. It's my point of reference. So congratulations scott, you were absolutely correct. It's all your point of reference. Going back to last night which was a serious night indeed. Things were going about the same except that brandon was going to stay the entire night and scott was not coming until later. Other than that, oh and bucky was going to show up for a while. So blah blah blah.... everyone finally arrives. And as it was the night before i wa very comfortalbe with ian. I have feelings for him. I've said it before and i'll say it again, hasn;t changed. But brandon was very touchy. To the point that i was uncomfortable. This all comes to a head while we are outside smoking hookah and he is rubbing his foot on me while i am sitting on the couch with ian. I am very comfortable with him mind you. I guess i left and there were things said... i don't know you can read his blog for that but i then decide to go to bed. I sleep in the loft a little and bucky comes upstairs and talks to me about what i can't remember. We go downstairs a while and i go to ians bed and brandon gets in it. I didn't want him to. Then ben jumps in. Ian too we lay there for a minute and decide to find our own sleeping quaters. I call the loft and ben and brandon stay in ians bed. But ben did offer to sleep on the floor like a real gentleman. Ian is about to sleep on the couch down stairs and i offer the bed in the loft to him. So he and i sleep in the loft. It was a very comfortable and good time. I must say one of the highlights of the summer. And i don't care who knows. I will remember that for a very long time and it was peaceful.... and that is all. P.s. today was weird and scott showed up at five in the morning. We went to church and had a good time. I laughed a lot. We had luch at the max and erma's which sound slike taxidermist and that we spent the rest of the day at casa de dill. I love that house. And i like all of the kick ass memories i wil have from it. But i guess i am not allowed to talk about a lot of my realy feelings for those who know how i already feel about them because it is fairly pointless. They will just reamain a secret. Useless. I'm so done... god damn... four day now... i will miss them like you won't believe.

cIrcLIes KEeps HappenIng to Me

Time keeps passing and nothing new seems to be happening. I really just kinda stayed in one spot this summer. Actually i would have to say that I went in a big ass circle. A lot of delays, some crazy dreams, interesting people and it all just came back to the place where i began. I have feelings for ian. Plain and simple as that. I am the master of the last minute bolt and i have shown it once more. I don't know what to do. I guess i'l just see where the following week takes me. I hope its somewhere warm.... I have been having a lot of movie nights lately. With nothing else to do and a curfew people can come over to my house and hang out all night if they want to. And dan and brandon i guess do. First night was a... i don't remember and dan and brandon came over to watch amelie. Great movie. Scott and Ian were invited but they never came. I felt bad because evidently scott drove past my house and didn't come to the door but knew that i had friends inside. I wish he would have. But then again he wouldn't watch the movie anyways. They I had Scott and Ian over to watch a very long engagement because i love it and i knew that scott would enjoy the war aspect of it. Dan and Brandon came too and scott and ian left before the end of the movie. I don't know if they enjoyed it too much. I do hope they did. Brandon and Dan stayed until abuopt 4:30 am. It was a nice time. And the latest time was yesterday. Dan and Brandon came over and we watch Ghost World which was a very good moive. I hope to have a few more. I know when there isn't anything else better to do we will. So, I just got back from Whtite Castle. I had my first burger back into the meat eating thing. It was delicious. It was me Ryan Dan and Brandon. Ian was going to come but his parents left town and i guess it wasn't a good idea to leave. Understandable. But it was a good time. It was a short road trip. I would say no more than an hour each way. But still, my first sort of road trip with the boys. Very nice indeed. I know we have to end up in chicago one of these days. I still had fun. And it was still delicious. I can't say that i really missed meat, but i dunno. It's kind of pointless. I think at anytime i could go back to not eating meat. and prolly not eating any kind of poultry too. I'm just to lazy to care anymore. It doesn't matter. Ben got back in town today. I wonder how he is doing. I'm sure that i will see him tonight. That is if i go over to ians house. After this whole bisness of thinking people impose and so on i am worried. I spend a lot of time with these guys that i treasure and i don't want them to get sick of me. And i don't want to show up someplace when they really didn't want me to be there. I hate formalities and the like. It just gets you doubting yourself. I don't know what we'll do tonight. And if people there will be smoking. Like if Ben is there, he is going to smoke. And ian and scott have decided to quit smoking. I don't know how that is going to work. But no Hookah, and i am kinda going through withdrawl. If i had money i would pay ian to rent the hookah for a while. But i am not going to take him stuff and use the things he paid for and not give him something. It's just not fair.... Hey, i'm no- oh, can't say that. (can hear me you know.) *sigh* Love that Weezer. We were good as married in my mind, but married in my minds no good. At least i didn't fall for a lesbian. even though in my case it would have worked... whatever. Pray for something exciting to happen. Maybe rain.