iF faLL CoULd LaST ForeVeR

For one reason or another i cannot get that out of my head. I guess i just have been listening to too much Neutral Milk Hotel. But then again, exactly how can you listen to too much? The answer kids is never, never. I wouldn't say that Communist Daughter is my favorite, but it just, i can't get it out of my head. I am more partial to Two Headed Boy Prt. Two. Oh Comel or 10. Things of that sort.
Okay, yesterday had to be one of the longest days of my life. No, that's not the correct way to describe it. That makes it sound excuciating. And that simply isn't the case. When i say long, it's only because so much happend. More than in the normal day of the average Chelsea. It was jam packes with delicious happenings and interesting stories. To start, we have to go back to six in the morning....
Yes, I did wake up at six o'clock in the morning. I had to go do concessions at the Notre Dame game for choir. I know, i sold out to the man, but hey, i need that twenty bucks towards my trip. Three and a half hours and twenty bucks plus five dollars worth of free food equals one happy chelsea. Moving on, yes heather came and got me and we found white parking lot with no trouble. But, white parking lot is one hell of a trip from the joyce center. So, we had to walk all the way down juniper road and into the campus before we get there. We arrived in white parking lot at about 7:30 am and people were just opening up their kegs and cracking into their beers. Keep this in mind, it comes into play later on in the story.... But, we arrived at our destination a little after 8:00. Definately walked for half an hour. And that was at a brisk pace. Nice exercise, it really was a beautiful morning and would do it all the time if i lived so close to the campus. We arrived and worked concessions for the three hours and did cash registar the entire time. It was just really easy. Much like work only the people were friendly and i must say a little buzzed for so early in the morning. I was able to meet Tony Rice, the old QB for notre dame and he signed me (wouldn't you like to know where.) and that was my time at the concessions.
So me and heather were done and decided to go home. I had plans for later in the afternoon. She invited me to her parents and some other people's tailgate, i had time, we were going to go, but she couldn't reach her parents on their cell phone. Oh well, to the car we went. This time we found there is a bus that goes directly from white field parking to the joyce center and hopped aboard. When we got back to white field, everyone was DRUNK!!! there was beer pong being played and assorted other drinking games. We found her car with noi trouble and were just kind of worried as to how we were going to make it out with all of these people. But, our worries were quieted quickly with the onslot of another bigger problem. The car wouldn't start. Turns out heahter had left her lights on and now, no battery. Hott damn. So we were wondering what we were going to do... it was a time of stress.... we both sat down and had a quiet smoke while i turned to the car next to me and asked if i could have a beer. He asked me what team i was rooting for. For a little information, this guy had his entire bus decked out in spartans paraphanalia. I said michigan, he said hell yea and i got a miller light. So, sitting there in the grass with a beer and a cigarette looking quite pathetic, these two michigan fans came over and asked up if our battery was dead. We answered in the affirmative. The told us the same thin had happend to them and that if we went into their van they would show us how we could fix it. heather was raped but i got away, i'm just kidding, that last part was untrue. But their battery had died too and the guy parked behind us jumped their car. So he did the same for us. It was such a relief. We thanked them very much ect ect and we pulled away....
Problem number two had to be adressed. The people in the road were not willing to move out of the way. They were drunk and rowdy and Heather had to be a little firm to get out of there. It was creepy because as we passed through a large group of people they would sink back around our came and pound on the sides. It was like being in a huge mob, well we kind of were in a huge mob, but i never knew it was going to be like that... weird. So we did make it out after almost hitting about ten people and then we were confused about how we were going to get out of there. I went out and asked how it was we were going to be able to leave and the man told me that as of right now it was a one way only and that one way was in. So we would have to wait until kick off to leave. That was at two thirty and it was only one! Shit, so we parked the car in front of this other one and took off to try and find heathers parents' tailgate. She finally got a hold of them on the phone and they were over by zolemans tires. Shit! So we jumped back on the bus, following her moms directions, we ended up right back at the gate we had left an hour ago at the joyce center. Holy damn. It was only about a five to ten minute walk to the house her parents were tailgateing at. That was an adventure let me tell you.
While we were there, heather was trying like none other to have her parents let her drink. I was along for the ride. Her mom was all for it and her dad was not going to let her. Needless to say, her mom snuck us jello shots made with something that tasted very familiar... everclear. Wow, so that was a good time. I was sufficiently buzzed because i was able to consume about twice as much as heather because she had to drive me home. Her mom asked me if i just wanted to spend the night at her house, but i already had plans for the lake even though i am sure getting trashed would have been great. So about an hour after heather had four shots and i had roughly eight she drove me home. It was an easy ride. No traffic everything went well. So i get home and go straight to my bathroom before anyone realizes that my breath smells like beer and cigarettes. I take a shower and get ready to leave. I am done by about three three thirty and dillon gives me a call. He askes me where i have been....
I just laughed. I told him i wasn't interested in going over it on the phone and that he should just come and get me. So he did. We went up to the lake house and i helped get the rooms ready for the winter. We did a lot of cleaning and his parents gave strict instructions to use up the fire wood because they didn't want it to go to waste. We weren't about to disobey them. They have this beautiful fire place and after the sun went down it did get pretty chilly pretty fast. So we had a fire and he ordered pizza. In all of his infinate wisdom he also brought me a present. Actually it was a present for the both of us. Guess what it fucking was? Everclear. I don't know how everyone found out this is my favorite present, but congratulations to all of you. And thank you as well. He also brought something called mudslide which was very delicious. It tastes just like chocolate milk with a little mint aftertaste. So we had that and listened to music. We talked in his living room listening to music, drinkin, eatin pizza, and having a good time for the rest of the night. I think at around five we fell asleep for an hour or so and both woke up again. As soon as we opened our eyes we just laughed at eachother. We finshed off what was left and talked for another couple hours while we cleaned up. I took a shower while he was talking to his parents on the phone. He was hoping we could hang out on the lake today, but he forgot about his brothers soccer game so he brought me home. It was a beautiful drive home and i do so love the fall...
It was a beautiful weekend. I really wish that i could have gone down to purdue, but i guess everything happens for a reason. I really did just need to have fun this weekend. And i did have just a grand old time. I can't wait to hear all about Purdue when brandon gets back, but i am not waiting for it. I am having too much of a good time to slow down now. I think I might call up the kids and see what they are doing this afternoon, perhaps we will see a movie or something.. anything could happen and i hope it does.
Have you ever noticed the evolution in a person through the music that they listen to? I mean even at the beginning of this post i was listening to neutral milk and i think it kind of effected the way that i wrote and felt about what was that was happening. Now i am listeing to Iron and Wine and it's completely different. I feel newer. In a better way. Improved almost. I hope that this feeling never goes away. I know that it will, but hot damn. Today is going to be one of those fat days, but even so, this kind of fatness is refreshing. It's newer and better and i am going to take a nap. Enjoy everything, know that this is the life. Thank god for fall.

aRe YoU saTisFiED, do YOU haVe soMEonE beSide yoU wHen yOU EmBaRK? iF noT...

You know i thought that letting go would be easier than this. So to make a long story short, Brandon does not have my ring. I simply didn't bring it up and didn't give it to him. I thought quietly and took a nap today, and no. I am not giving it to him till the day he leaves. It may sound stupid, but i might not be able to imagine my hand without it on there. It kind of defines what my hand is to me. But, i like the idea of redefining myself. Even if it may only be my hand.
You know, i have been constantly listening to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie for the past week. I can't imagine myself listening to anything else. And the car doesn't count. I only have that as background sound so i don't think too loudly. Whenever I am at home and have all of this music at my disposal to hear whatever it is that i want, i choose this song. I don't want anything else. I tried to listen to Neutral Milk and Arcade Fire, but all it did was give me this pit in my stomach and i felt bad, not because the music was bad, it was because it was painful to listen to anything but death cab, it just doesn't feel right. Not right now anyway. There was also a time when i couldn't listen to anything but Iron And Wine, I grew out of that. But i don't know. Right now, that song has been with me through everything. I listen to it and i know that everything is going to be okay again and at the same time, I am reminded of sad things, and that is okay too. Brandon asked me yesterday what was it that made me love the song so much. And that is like trying to ask why you fall in love with the person that you do. There are little things that you could try and say to rationalize it to everyone else who doesn't seem to get it. "They have a good sense of humor, they listen well, thier eyes are beautiful, he says so many things that i completely agree with, ect." But the point is, that that has nothing to do with love. Love is a feeling that you get and you can't explain it, you just know it is right. There is no explanation that does love justice and i am not going to be another person who fails at trying to. But that is why i love that song so much. Because it is love to me.
Last night, I did something I do all the time. It was an observation. I don't know how to explain it. But i was sitting with brandon and the feeling that is gave me i was just sick to my stomach. I even said that out loud. And the only thing that i could say to express my disgust was, and i still think this is the best way to describe it, i wanted to throw up a baby. After saying this, it ended in much laughter ect. It was an amazing time.
I got a big new sketch book and some charcoal, pastels, watercolors, and sharpes to work with. I am really happy with the things that i have done so far. I got all of these fabulous things at Hobby Lobby and i did not realize the awesomeness of that place before. It just so much cool crap in there. I could seriously get lost in there for hours going up and down the isles and have no problem with the world. But alas, i only was lost for an hour or two while i picked up the things i needed. Charcoal has to be my favorite medium and i love everything i have done with it. The pastels.. eh, Brandon liked it and the explanation of the painting he could really understand and get behind. He said that was the thing that made it the most beautiful besides that i "mixed the colors well" oh well. Not really enjoying that too much. The water color was very nice, and the sharpes i just need to work with. I am well on my way to covering the walls. Well on my way...
I think that we are the most memorable when we aren't trying to be remembered. We get the most recognition when we aren't trying to be recognized. We say the most profound things that strike the right chord when we aren't trying to be profound or get to the person. I think that should be the way that life is always. And maybe if we weren't such ambitious creatures we could affect peoples life so much more. This could be for the better or for the worst so perhaps it is better this way. Less people get hurt, but less people are also helped. Double edged sword. Which side do you think would get used more?
The other day when i was coming home in the car with my brother and my mom, my brother out of no where says, "I am gonna sue all of your friends from purdue" and i asked him why. He said it was becuase they were the reason i didn't want to be a doctor anymore and why i wasn't going to be. I told him to shut up and not to talk about things he had no idea about. My mom got pissed and took my brothers side. She told me that she does blame all of the people i met this summer for ruining my vision. I had such drive to be a pediatrician for so long and now all of a sudden it was gone. And she blames them for some unknown reason. No one has affected me as much as these people have, but that has nothing to do with me wanting to be a pediatrician or not wanting to be one. I think driving home and having to defend my friends and give her some kind of explanation, because i could tell that she was not going to rest until i had done so, I realized it was simply because i was scared. I want to do something that interests me and i want to do something that i am good at. I am good at math and i am interested in physics and sciences, chemistry and all of the good geeky stuff that just doesn't seem very "me". And pediatrics maybe be something that i could be very successful in and love, but i don't know that for sure. And I just don't want to go to school for four of six or eight years of college and realize that this is not the career that i want. I don't love this, i am not even that good at this. I am scared to death. I would be completely broke from school and then what would i do? My mom said that i would just work in that field until i had things paid off and that i could go back to school and become something else if i wanted to. That would bring me up to my mid twenties and i still would have no direction in my life. Or i could take the direction that i feel it right and be ahead of the game. I don't know what to do as stupid as that may sound even though the decision should be obvious. She also just about came out and told me that my dad and her would not pay for any kind of schooling at purdue. I would "be going there for the wrong reasons". I never thought that they were going to pay for my schooling at all, so this really doesn't affect me, but it does kind of hurt that i won't have their support. She told me that she is not as upset about being not the pediatrician as she is about the fact that i had a direction and now i don't. I was her hope and i let her down. No one should have to deal with that kind of pressure.....
I wish that I didn't have to ask this favor upon scott. I felt bad about it and as the days pass i fear that he will look on it as a burden. Just the way that he gets nervous and asks about the location of the ring and the anticipation of recieving it. I feel like he is buckling down for the hurricane. I don't expect him to want to do this, i don't know who would want to take care of and make sure they don't loose a ring for a dear friend, but i don't want him to do this if it really just doesn't feel right to him. Because this is really too much of an important thing to have him half heartedly do. I have tried to make this point clear and i think i have, i just hope that he is doing this for all the right reasons.
Intereting days.. they pass so fast. I'm too tired to think of how, but it doesn't make any sense any more. If there was a way to come down to purdue i think i would. If my car could make it, i would go down just for the day. I don't think i could handle nights spent there. Don't ask me why, but a few hours would do. And that would be all i want. If i could just have this one thing, i know that life would be better. It would magically work out and there would be that happy ending that everyone deserves. Let me take off this glass slipper because it is time to go to bed. Please, remember me, fondly.

TeaRinG DoWN piCtuReS aNd puTTinG uP PAinTinGs

I went around my room today and all of the pictures of friends that i had scattered on the walls and on my dresser in no fashion whatsoever i ripped down. It seemed trite to keep them around. Some of those people i have not talked to since the 8th grade and I don't even know them anymore. Why did i keep them around? Maybe I was holding on to the idea of my past. My innoscence was in those pictures. To a time when no one had any problems so big that i could not handle them and people came to me for advice. I was stronger then and not nearly as damaged as i am now. I looked at those pictures and realized what a false sense of security i had. How deep i thought i could, and how now, i really had no idea what was going on. The world of mine has expanded and i have to accept it. I ripped them down with such... i scared myself a little. It was very much time. And so was shed the last instance of my innoscence..... I decicded to put up some of the drawings i did this past year and i must admit, some of them i truly like. I think that i am going to do a lot more of them and just cover my walls. No more legolas poster, no more kiddie photos, i feel like a grown up. For once in my life... If you can't tell, i guess i am a little hardend. I don't have a lot of emotion left inside of me. I have expressed so much of it this past week, really since wednesday, that there is nothing left. I can't explain this feeling very well, but as i see this as a documentation of my life and write this for no one but myself to look back on in my own time, fuck what other people think. The people who you think should be there and understand you in your time of need, fuck you over. Make you feel the worst that you could ever feel. And what is the reason? They simply didn't understand. They were supposed to be your comfort, they were supposed to care about your feelings and they didn't. In your moment of need, they couldnt deal and left you. And now, i suppose, i fear abandonment just a little more than i ever have before. "The damage has been done." And as i was told sorry like i guess i thought i deserved, i couldn't grasp the meaning of the word. I was told, i am truly sorry, more than you can ever know." so i tried to go further into the thought of sorry than i ever had before. What exactly does sorry mean, and i could come up with nothing. Because i suppose that the word has lost all meaning for me. I have been told sorry so many times... i don't know what truly being sorry is. I understand that it means they feel bad, but bad about what. Bad about their actions, or sorry that i feel the way i do, or sorry about another thing that i have no idea about because i do not understand what it means to be sorry. That might be becuase all of the emotion really is gone. I can't explain what this is. Just, empty, and even empty you can feel. So try and take it as you will and know that you will never be able to understand. Why is it that the simplest of words can set you off. Not in a temper sort of way, but just hit you in just the right spot that you cry? And i am too proud to admit that i am crying, or maybe i am just too proud to cry in front of someone. You know, not teared up, out and out crying from pure emotion. And maybe this is the reason i think i am all out of emotion anymore, i have just cried all of it away. And when i start to cry, i don't know why i am. I just... i don't understand myself anymore. And i don't want people to think that i am depressed and that i don't have fun, because at school, i have fun. It's just that i don't understand myself. I am allowed. I am growing and i don't know everything even though i wish that i did. So when i cry i just take it for face value, i am sad. But i am not sad. Maybe, and this is me thinking out loud here, i am unwilling to give up on the past, and it is my feeble attempt to hold on when i know that i can't anymore. I feel that i have come to the end of the road and can't get past this point. I am afraid to trust. To share your deepest thoughts and your past means to trust someone. I am able to trust, and perhaps this is too willingly. I have never been truly burned. I am able to do damage control when i see that someone is going to let me down. This time, i got blindsided. And because i was not able to protect myself, i am cut very deep. It shouldn't hurt this much, but there is nothing i can do. It was no my choice, it was not my words, it was not my actions. I want more than anything to pretend that it did not happen and i wasn't disappointed, but somehow i can't. Trust may mean true thoughts and feelings, but it is supposed to be a two way street, which i just know it isn't. To trust also means to be able to laugh with one another and that is something i fear i will never be able to do again. I am giving Chad's ring away. Not forever, just for a while. I was never able to get andy kind of closure from all of this. It was a very open ended situation and i never was able to heal. I am completely covered in open wounds and the constant reminder of how much he meant to me is not doing anything to help me. I can't have that with me all the time. I need someone to be taking care of it. I can't just stick it in a drawer and wait. I need it to be free for a while and see the sunshine in a different place so that i can see the sunshine here. I need it to leave town and leave me alone until i can look at it and only smile. I have decided the destination and the person in to which it has been entrusted. I would most assuredly give it to brandon, but i would still see it and the leaving town is very important to me. This is in no way a trust thing, this is not a test, this is me being selfish. Asking something very big of someone. And the only thing i can do is let go, believe that everything will be okay and that time will pass with purpose. I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't know which direction i am going. I just wish people would stop looking at words and automatically reading them as fact. Yes i want someone to get off a plane and kiss me. (sarcasim) I won't lie, it might be great in the ideal world to have some one who would be worth the whole surprise of wow a kiss, but this world is anything but ideal. The whole purpose was that someone was showing change. Doing something they never would have done before their life changed and how they prolly wouldn't get off the plane because they refuse to change, which is where some pride comes in to play. But no, i don't want to kiss you, you know who you are, and actually, at the time that i wrote that, you couldn't have been more wrong if you tried. Actually i just kind of wanted to hit you... It hurts to grow up. This knowledge of disappointment i could have lived without. Now i only fear what is going to happen next. I am afraid of what we do now. And never does this line seem to make any less sene the more that i use it. It is strangely appropriate for my life, What do we do? What do we do?

FiLLed wiTh HoPE, fiLLeD WitH sORroW (CHeck the dAte anD time)

Last night, yes i felt my full potential. I saw for the the first time in a long time, my life and everything in it. I was abel identify the things i need, and the things that i don't, the emotions i have to feel and the ones that i want to. I doesn't matter anymore. Nothing and everything matters at the same time. Nothing matters, all the petty bullshit all the lies, all the deciet all of the false promises and all of the crushed dreams. It means nothing in the great scheme of things. And everything matters, the time that aligns, all of the things that can happen, how fate is a mysterious force and we are not in control of our destiny. And that fact, that we aren't really in full control of our destiny, is the thing that makes most people dismiss the entire idea of fate. And if you think about it, it really is a scary thought. No matter what i do, i am ending up here. Every little thing aligns... every minute has to be in perfect synchronization to pull off some kind of miracle, or some kind of tragedy. Fate, it has to exist. I can't explain my life any other way and nor do i want to try. Everything matter and nothing at all.
I never really put this together or really admited it to myself because in all actuality i didn't want to believe it. I still don't. But, chad, his accident. If he had been made to close down one more machine, if he had spilled something and had to stay and clean it up, if his boss would have let him go home early, there are a million and one things that i can think of that would have changed everything. That would have made him not die. It was all hanging on a split second. So fast, we couldn't see it pass us. Everything happend for a reason. I don't believe it was just shit luck and the car came out and killed him... no... no. I can't ever think it was all at chance, because there was that chance that he could have survived. But my beloved is not alive. He was meant to die. And that hurts more than you can imagine. That he was never supposed to be mine for always, especially when he said he would. I know he is in a better place. I know that where he is he feels no pain. I know that he is at peace. I just can feel it. When you have that kind of connection, you just know... I hate that i still love him, and i hate that he had to die and i hate that i don't know the reason. And i still love him. Tell me now you don't believe in fate. Tell me now that everything doesn't happen for a reason, even if that reason may never be known. Tell me that my chad is not in heaven right now. I feel him, he is forever, and i love him, forever and always.
I have changed so much. I see point A and i see point B and i see the progress i have made between the two. This time the division has a more defined line. During this summer i had a point A and a point B but they are so hard to find. Last night i remembered all the things that i had realized in my epiphany that i had last spring. While my life is turbulant and i will never feel a final resovle until i take my last breath in this world, i know that life is good. I can change my life whenever i want to. There is nothing that holds me to standards i have to meet if i don't want to. I am free, and i never really understood that before. My life hasn't even really begun yet and already i let it get to me. I want to live a more simple life. I don't need the intracies of all that i have been offered. I have a ring on my finger and for now, that will do.
I can't think about anything else about Chad, and when i try, i only worry. Two months does not a lifetime make. Even the people you think you know best, you never know what mask it is that they are wearing. Did i even know them? Why did things go this way. It's okay to question, i know that. But then sometimes you have to stop questioning ang start making decisions. I know that it is going to be hurtful and it isn't what i want to admit, but i know that it is the right thing that i have to do. I can't have this negativity anymore, i can't have this bearing down on my life. I can't help anymore, i'm not allowed. I don't know that i ever helped in the first place. But i know now, i am not needed. That hurts more than words can express, but i have to start telling the truth. It does me no good to lie to myself. Perhaps oneday... but even then, i know that it is only wishful thinking... it makes letting go that much easier...
Life hurts, and it only gets worse and worse, or seems that way. While I am facing the hard truths, it still doesn't take away from the fact that i am living. I will not remain in the past, i will not kill myself over what if's. It simply does not matter anymore. It will not affect me anymore. I am despondent to that negative aspect of thinking. I refuse to let that fire consume my heart and integrity. I will mourn, i will hurt, i will feel pain, but i will feel it not by my own doing. I will not cut myself to see it bleed. I will not lie, i will not blame, I am my own girl. I have an angel in heaven and a belief in my heart with a ring on my finger, and that is all that i need.....

FAte iT doES eXisT

I met one of the most amazing people ever tonight. Me and brandon were simply driving around and surprise we ended at steak n' shake. We were seated at this booth with some guy right behind us. And he was having a good conversation about god with Kurt. All of a sudden he just turns around and starts talking to us. His name was Josh and he has some of the best taste of music in the world. Everything i love, he loves and is even turning me on to some new music. I have to go now, but i will elaborate more on this... he just fills you with joy. A little religious, but everyone needs a little religion these days. This chance meeting just reminds me that my life has meaning and that fate does exist.... like i said, later.

doN't yOU feEd ME LiES ABouT sOmE ideALisTic fUtuRe

you know it won't heal right if you keep tearing out the suchers.
Nothing Better. Something about that song just makes me... wow. Everything about it. The words, the music, just the package deal. Of all the songs on that album, might i say that that perhaps may be my favorite track. It might be the back and forth between the girl and the boy. He just says all the right things, but the beautiful thing is that the girl has the right things to say back. I rarely get that feeling in any other song. It's always one person bringing the argument and the other simply complying or, they are completely closed off and stick to their decision but bring no argument to the table. This represents both sides and you are rooting for both of them. Yes I want him to convince her and get her back, but at the same time the problem or the mistake that he has made that they keep hinting at but never give an explanation of, makes me want her to not fall for him again. The way that the song ends, i think that is perfect. No trailing off. He starts the song, she ends it. Best words of the entire song have to be those that come from the girl which are as read above. Damn, just try and fight that. That and the fact that those words are covered and yet uncovered by the boy saying "tell me am i right?" in reguards to some fantasy that he wants to live out. Totally oblivious to what the girl is trying to say. Just a perfect track and is it ironic that in my thoughts the best track is also the shortest on the entire album? Hmmm. Think about that for a while please.
I have decided to do some major renovation to the old life of mine. It's coming into fall and there are a few things i should do before the winter sets in. I am going to clean out all the shit from my room. Time to detach myself from all of the little things that i keep hidden in my closet. True i may have memories with them, I have to get rid of the little knick-knacks that are taking up all my space. It's just the shit that I am never going to use and have prolly forgotten to why i hold on to it. Small awards, notebooks, papers, just a million things that should have been gone long ago. I'm too attached. I have to free up a little bit. And that's just with my room. I think I might try and not talk to my parents as much. This is not because i am mad at them for not letting me go down to purdue ever, but because whenever i talk to them, they make me feel horrible about my life. If I don't each that much, I must be anorexic, if i eat what they tell me too and I gain weight, "Why don't you take better care of yourself? You're such a pretty girl, if only you were a little thinner..." I am never doing enough to further myself in my academics and i am spending too much time with my friends. Then if i crack down and focus on my studies i am a anti-social freak and need to find some people to hang out with. I can't tell you the countless times since everyone has left they told me to forget about them because they were at college and were already out there finding new friends and it wouldn't be long before they forgot about me. "Don't hold on to the idea of them coming home to see you because, in reality, they have other friends to see and parents to visit while they are at home." Direct quotes seem to hurt the most. I know i shouldn't believe anything they tell me. But, try and compare it to brainwashing. If you keep drilling this negative idea into someone's head it can't be too long before they start to believe it. True that most of this comes from my mom, but the combination of them is just god awful. So, if you think that my idea of not talking to my parents as much is not justified or isn't the right thing to do, tell me. Perhaps i'll reconsider, but right now, i am very resigned to the fact it would keep me sane. I guess that maybe i should start running again. Practice my yoga like i haven't done in a very long time. Stop eating out because it costs so much money and causes the fatness to increase, ect. I've been kinda of ignoring the physical because i am so attached to the mental. The mind games the crazy thoughts, which are my favorite part of every person, the one thing that no matter the distance can still be expressed by phone or internet of letter or any other medium, the physical is the thing that allows my thought to be carried around and holds all these thoughts. I should take better care of it if i want it to take me all the places i want to go. This means getting more sleep. Mmmm, or at least i will work on that. Obvious one is my school load. I have been a little slacking at the beginning of the year, but I find a genuine interest in all of my classes, or i wouldn't be taking them, and i want to make them better than anything else. I think that i could. It's just time to do my homework, I blame the internet on this a little, but also because i was spending hours getting my CD collection in order. Everything is ready, quiet on the set, she begins trying now. I picked up my guitar for the first time in forever the other day. Completely out of tune, but easily fixed. I think she could use a new set of strings, but i found my pick and started strumming away. I forgot how much i sucked, but how much i enjoy every minute of it. So, there. I want to work on my music talent. Broaden my range, zero in on my style and be better. It may seem like a lot that i want to do, but please understand it's something that I have to. I hope you forgive me if you felt like i was becoming detatched in the past couple of weeks because, i guess that maybe i have. We'll just see how long this changed mind last, i'm hoping that it will tide me over for a long while. I need some direction. I think this might be just enough to keep me walking straight.
I got my yearbook the other day, i went through all of it in homeroom with two of my friends. I showed them all of the people that i had met, they showed me all of their good friends. I forgot how many people i had known from the graduating class and am just happy that now i have photographic proof that i know who they are. That and the mere fact that now i have an actual colour picture and if ever i forget what they look like and some how can't stop picturing them as Nathan Gropp, i can pop open the old yearbook and say, "yes, that's them and oh there they are, damn i have some fine lookin friends." I got a lot of that while going through it with the two people in homeroom. Yes, don't get a big head you guys, just cause you can take a good picture. Funny i have a million pictures in my head and the yearbook will never be able to compare to them, but they are a comfort. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why. I don't have the answer, i just have the feeling. And I love it.
Lauren shut down her site this past week. It's over now. No more no more. She gave some reasoning that made me very upset. I wanted to fight her on the issue of keeping it open and then i realized, it is because everything that she said was absolutely true. In essence she is the better person and has the right idea about everything, except turkey because i don't believe that they can read english. I can't think of any of her exat words at the moment, but i do remember her saying that they just cause a lot of problems, and with that i concur. So, this made me think, why do i continually write on this. Sharing almost all of my thoughts, the most private held back. What do i really get out of it? If i simply wanted to tell the people what is going on in my life i can talk to them, write them a letter, instant message. So why do we hint at things through generalizations and only want people to worry about if we are reffering to them becuase any way that you say something it can apply to another's life. So why? Why do i keep writing the nothings of my life for people to rifle through time and time again? And then i thought about why i read other people's blogs, xanga's, ect. Because i learn about them. Because if i am missing them and how they are, their writing gives me at least a small sense of who they are and what they are to me. And if i don't get the chance to talk to them, i can still know what is going on in their life. The purpose of these is the same as the purpose of the rest of the internet, to gain knowledge that you didn't have before. Knowledge is power, and sometimes power can get out of hand, but that doesn't mean people are going to stop seeking power. So i am adding to the power, adding to the addiction. Do i feel terribly bad about it? Not really? Will it come back to bite me in the ass, most assuredly. So a toast to you laruen for being able to be strong enough to pull away from this bullshit and realize something that is really true, but know that i have my reasons for writing here. There is a reason to have these blogs, this knowledge. It's just hidden very deep....
A very good song makes us connect it's words to things that are happening in our own life. That's why i think everyone's musical taste is different. It's what we are looking for in music that defines who we are. Those who don't want to think and want to loose themself for a while choose loud music and jump around without purpose. Those who want to segregate themselves further and are afriad to admit what they really feel listen to rap and take strength from those people's "hard earned privilaged" lives. It's all about what you feel and what you want. Is it any surprise that best friends share the same musical taste? Is that not just saying that you both have the same ideas on life? And when you say that you are still going to be friends with someone despite their musical taste, you know that you are lying to yourself and will never be as good friends on as many levels as those who you do share that common bond. This is why the first question i have begun to ask people that i meet is not where are you from? what's your favorite kind of food? What do you do for fun? It's what do you listen to? Whose your favorite band? You'll learn more about a person that way than anything else i have thought of thus far. My favorite song by The Postal Service is Nothing Better. What does that tell you? Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future, you know it won't heal right if you keep tearing out the suchers.....