LeT GO LeT gO, JuMp iN oh wELL WHat YoU wAiTin For iT's aLLriGhT CAUsE thERe's BeAUTy in tHe brEaK DoWN

In my mind i keep hearing those words from "You've Got Mail" and it's Meg Ryan that says it. She simply says, "The truth is, i am heart broken." I know it's out of context because she is talking about her book store closing, but she says it with such an honesty that it hurts my heart.
Here's the really messed up part about it, i am not heart broken. I wish i could say i was. I wish i could feel something. I feel like it always takes a good cry to get over something, and it really does help. But i can't be sad. There is something inside of me that just will not let me go. This is the worst part about it. It is truly a sad day when you realize that something has ended and you don't even have the emotion invested to cry.
I feel hollow on the inside. Everything that i said last night was true. It was blunt and honest, and completely not like me. If anything i have always thought with my heart, and listened only to my head when it agreed with my heart. Last night i reasoned my way, looked at the facts and came to a conclusion that makes sense, something that is for the best.
I am not friends with scott. We have never been friends. And then i look at my last post and it says very plainly at the bottom that we are friends and always will be. Have i really been lying to myself this entire time? Or am i just starting to lie to myself because everyone else that knows us agrees that this makes sense, we are not friends.
Someone said, it's all or nothing. And that, that is one true thing. We can't be friends without there being this other thing. And we can't have that. We can't be in a relationship. We both seem to have our reasons. Reasoning. We always fight, says scott. I'm at Purdue, and we aren't going in the same direction, says me. That should be enough. And i can't be happy for him. Somewhere in me, i am going to be jealous no matter who it is that he ends up with. Maggie, or not.
I had been thinking the words and they came out of me just the way i believed they would. What happens if we aren't really friends, and we can't be in a relationship? I said very calmly "I believe we'll finish this coffee, you'll take me home and we just won't talk ever again". It's sad that that is what it had to come to. And he agreed, and as soon as that was out there, i feared the moment i would leave his car, because it was finality. Finality that happened half an hour later.
He said something that i thought was funny. We started to fight? a little, and i said, it didn't matter, i wasn't mad, and that in ten minutes it wouldn't matter. And he said, well history has shown us, this is what we do, we get into a fight, get mad at eachother, and (we said this at the same time) then we just don't talk for a year.
Since we knew what was coming. The end to end all our shit, i felt like it was the most fun i had talking to him in a long time. There was no reason holding back it wouldn't matter anyway.
Perhaps that's why i feel the way that i feel. We ended on such good terms, it makes me want to see him more often and try to be friends. But, it somehow wont' work. I'm failing right now to completely grasp why.
I wonder if Brandon didn't have a lot to do with this. But i can't think of that now. At least that will end now too.
I want to be wrong. I want someone to prove me wrong. But no one can, or someone simply won't.
Maybe i just need to get back to Lafayette and let all of this just stay here, burried.
We were sitting at Nick's on Thanksgiving and i don't know how it got said, but Dan said, if i could go back, "i would have dated you not jenna". Brandon said "i would have not met jessica" or dated her... i can't remember which. I didn't have anything. I could not think of one thing i would do if i could go back and change something. And now, i think i know. If i could go back, i would not have gone to Ben's that friday. I would not have kissed scott and i would not have to sort through these feelings again. I would still be completely healed. I would just have been mad at him, and we would never talk and the best part is i wouldn't care. We're done now. Forever. And i feel no ill will towards him. And that is the thing that makes it this much harder. We're just letting go....

wHen i WokE yoU wErE sTiLL PrESenT My miND , iN SoMe DReaM, SoME dREAm

You know, i sit here listening to Tarkio, something that i have not done in a very long time. I've been hanging around the beginning of the alphabet in my itunes, and only venture to the later half of the alphabet when i am searching for something in particular. This changed today when i was going through my music to make a CD for my friend Mackenzie who desperately wants new music. So i gave her a sampling of a little bit of everything. Tarkio, Devil's elbow, i think was something that she should be able to listen to and go, "oh, fuck, that's good". I still do that, and i've listened to the song more times than i think i care to remember. It always reminds me of when i went to New Buffalo with Dan. I feel like we listened to a lot of Tarkio that morning. That and Elliot Smith, but i still like to think of the Tarkio. It's just so pretty... it always will be.
Scott kissed me on friday. That was interesting. I was almost prepared for it somehow, but still uncertain as hell. It's really hard to be in this new place when only a year and some change (is that really all?) he told me with such stress in his voice that it was over, he was never going to like me again, and we couldn't be friends if i couldn't come to terms with that. Time changes a lot of things, but i don't forget so easily the way that i've been hurt, in the most personal way possible. It's not something that i'm mad about, not even now, it's just something that i don't forget about. Like i grew up, i learned my lesson. And it doesn't hurt, it's just something that is, and it can't change. It doesn't hurt that i don't have part of my finger anymore, it's just something i won't forget because, it's a big change. Being whiney, and freaking out seems really over dramatic. I hope what i'm saying doesn't end up in the wrong context and people get really pissed off and bent out of shape about this. This blog has always been for me, and it always will be.
Anyway, yeah. That happend. But don't worry, we're not going down that road again. Scott told me there was no chemistry, and that i would/do make our relationship akward so he's done with me in that regard. Now i never thought for one minute that i was going to be terribly depressed about it like i was the last time... whew. So i was upset at myself for being upset when he broke this to me through a series of texts on monday night. I felt like i had knots in my stomach and i felt dizzy. Somewhere in there i just said, "i'll miss this" or something to that effect, my face twisted up and i cried. I didn't feel really sad, i felt better. I was a little confused because i didn't exactly agree with some of the events that scott had reasoned his actions with. I cried about an hour or so... then i rolled on to my back and stared at the bottom of whit's matress and ended up falling asleep. I had some dreams that made me realize, this is hardly the end of the fun that i am meant to have.... i'm at purdue where the guy to girl ratio is totally in my favor. I woke up and had about the best tuesday i've had in a while. Which was followed by an even better friday. It's just been a great week in fact.
I have no ill will. I even asked scott if we would still be friends this time, and although it may have taken him in the neighborhood of 16 hours to agree on this, we are. That's something that i'll cherish.
People, more whitney and ruby, ask me why i am friends with him, and why i keep letting him come right back. I just smile. There are some things that you can't explain in life, they just are. Yeah we went through a tough time in life, and i opened up to him and he accepted that. And there was always the fact we kinda had a thing for each other. That made us close. But there has to be something else. I can't put my finger on it. Beyond everything, maybe i feel like we have a lot of the same traits, things in common, and i know that if i ever wanted another chance i would want to be accepted too.
So there's that, and that funny idea that life circles. If nothing else came out of this weekend, i have the comfort of knowing i am so much stronger than i used to be. Maybe just more positive or something... prioritized? I mean, i got to see brandon for a while. I got to see ben and have him tell me that i am hardcore and hang with him at his house. I met a ton of really nice people, and two very cute dogs. And i got a pretty sweet kiss that made those familiar shivers run up my back. All in all, i got a pretty good weekend. Who can really complain about that?