yEa, i'LL aLwaYs Be WaitiNG fOR yOU

Spring break has come at last. I don't have anything planned. Prolly just gonna hang around the house, go to work and make money, i don't know.... read? I feel so incredibly boring because countless people i know are going off and having a bit of an adventure. I have no drive to go off and explore right this moment, but that is entirely subject to change. I'm not exactly content, but i feel better about life...
Today i walked around after school with henry and paul. Henry had to come out to my car to get something and he said we needed to find his ride first. It was paul. Paul said he needed to find McNulty. So we went to his room, wasn't there. So we went to Adon's room for some book or something. Then McNulty walked in. I met him. He's basically awesome. He's the kind of teacher who doesn't care if you curse and understands that we aren't kids. He first met henry at an concert and henry was smoking a cigar. McNulty didn't care. That and the fact there is just something so hilarious about him. He's genuinely nice. It was like a wild goose chase, but it was incredibly fun. That and the fact i didn't have to walk to my car alone.
I drove home with the windows down and there were about a hundred huges drops of rain that landed on my car and then it just stopped. It was beautifully warm once again. I love THIS kind of weather. The prelude to summer. Comfortable, no need for heat, can still sleep with a blanket at night, but not freeze. It was one of those moments i was happy to be alive.
For some reason i am happy. I don't think that it will last because i am doing one thing and thinking another. But then again, maybe i'm not. I don't know what i am doing honestly. I'm being myself. I'm ties up my loose ends. I am loading all of my songs on my new 30G ipod. I'm doing alot. I am doing nothing at all. I am missing people, but at the same time not. I am a walking contradiction.
Today, people kept talking to me. Venting really. I never really understood what made it so easy to talk to me. But this and yesterday, i think i had well over a hundred people wish me a happy birthday, makes me wonder about what draws people to me. I'm not braging, but people generally like me, for some reason that is totally beyond me. I just look at the past, specific instances, (i blame seminar for making me think in terms of oppinion and evidence to support cause i do it with everything now) and people and i get along well... I hate most people so it kind of surprises me. Most people have said they love my honesty and when i say something that may seem detremental to someone else, but it's total truth, they just laugh and tell me they love me. I don't know if that condescention, nor do i truly care. The thing that i question is why? Why to peopel like me? Why do i have the amount of friends that i do. People like me. why? It's one of those unaskable questions like what's one thing you will remember about me? *Sigh*
I have the SAT's tomorrow. I'm not freakin out about it... in fact, i have a feeling that i could pwn them if i really want to. I am prolly talking out of my ass and be completely raped by them, but i don't know... i just don't know.
I feel slightly foolish of my own thoughts. There seems something so elementary the same in my mind, yet i can't quite put my finger on it. I have this sneaking suspicion that i am like scott. I feel like i completely follow in his footsteps and it drives me nuts. We are so the same, and completely different. Brandon never could understand why i claimed to be just like scott, he doesn't see the resemblence. I sometimes think that i am just like scott, but hide it becuase it's the right thing to do. Nobody knows it but me. I have a few quirks and ideas that are all my own, fucked up and everything, but i follow.
I fear that summer has come. That may be the reason that i am happy. Summer, last year, it was amazing. But we can't recreate that. And i want to. Without of course all the bad... hmm. Everyone always makes a statement to the effect of summer being awesome and then the fact that they don't want it to come back because it was so great in the past. I thought in honesty that i would like to recreate. Have those feelings again, the amazing, the past. And saying it outloud and visualizing living through all of it, i don't really want to. I want those good feelings, but i don't want to do what i did. I don't want to stay in a circle which is what it would be. There is something there. And i know now, things could be no better or worse than they were. Summer unfolded the way it did for a million reasons that are still playing out today. I can't go back, but i can work with what i still have. It's not much, and i'm breaking it apart day by day. I have to stop being so destructive.
I'm a bad person in every sense of the statement. It's something that i should get used to. I still strive to be the person that people love. Especailly those who amaze me, or those who i wish i could be like. I want to leave my body emulating what it means to be a human. To live to the fullest, to never hold back, to suceed at everything that i ever want to do. Everything that i want i am not doing. I am failing. Another thing i didn't want. I have to do something, everything... i need a change. This charade is over.

UnLess YoU GOT SomEThinG BettER tO dO, i'M sTicKin WiTh yOU

I made the robotics team. I wonder if i had written that down anywhere. I didn't make Chamber Choir. Sometimes life does work out just the way that you want it to. I am really excited about robo. I can't stop thinking about it. It very well may be the only reason i reprise one more season at penn. There is nothing else next year i am looking foreward to. This will make or break my senior year. Fingers crossed it makes. I am just kinda pissed that my mom isn't happy for me. My dad is excited, he wants me to do what makes me happy. He never knew i had any idea to want something like this, she is pissed cause when i asked her if she knew what this meant she said, "You won't be able to work and pay your bills, it'll conflict with choir, and i'm gonna have to pay for you to go places." Yea nationals. I hate choir. And i'll still work weekends... i don't understand her. She is never happy for me. Can't she see this is what i want? Something i applied for and am happy about? I really thought that was supposed to be the important thing when parenting is supporting your child when they discover what they like... silly me. What do i know?
I feel fine enough i guess... considering everything's a mess... But whatever. I am starting to not care again. I keep looking around my room and pacing. I feel kind like i wanna go run somewhere or start walking just as far as i can go... that would be my ideal. But it's chilly, there is school tomorrow, and i don't know what else. There are just some things in life that aren't feesable all the time.
I turn 17 in roughly twenty minutes... i don't know how i feel about that. I know that i am getting a 30 gig ipod and that makes me happy. I know that there won't be a moment in my life that i don't have music as soon as i get this. I have a feeling it's gonna kinda make my CD collection obsleste. I want to lend it out and spread the good music around my inner cirlce of friends. They need some help. 17. I always liked odd numbers more that i did even. Maybe this means that this year will be better than the last. Isn't that what we are always hoping for? Improvement? I had no big hopes for the 16th year of my life. It snuck in the middle of the night and here it will make another sneaky exit. Middle of the night. I kinda want to see it go. I hope it takes a lot of the shit with it.
There is something in that. The thought, i will never be 16 again. I have never had this kinda of realization with any other age. It's normal, i mean, 12 13 14 they are all gone. I won't miss them though. I am always celebrating the idea of a new age, new chapter, blah blah blah. But i will never be 16 again. I can never say that yea, i'm 16. I can never expirience the same things i did when i was 16. I did a lot of things this year. Some of them bad, more of them amazing. I had perhaps the best summer of my life. If i don't touch it and analyze it, if i preserve it in my mind thinking of all the great that happend, it will always be my favorite. Something i can never have at any other age. Friends that came and went. Changes, kisses, hugs, words, tears, a million different things... a million different places. A huge change, being left behind, being reunited, being torn apart. More change has occured in this year than any other which is perhaps why i am so reluctant to give it up. What would i give for one more day? What would any of us give?
There are memories of old hanging all over this place. People i've forgotten, faces i've never met. One thing remains, Adam Durtiz's voice. I can't express in words how much it is that he means to me. He has a way of phrasing things and no one will ever be able to challege him in my mind for all of eternity. I never would have thought that at age eight i would have found the most influential musician of my life, but sometimes it happens like that. It's just one of those things... No matter who comes along, new, old, whatever, no one will match them. The day he dies, i will go to his funeral. *It's everything i need*
I was reading a book the other day, and i came across the name Grant. It was the name of some General or something. But i never had that in my mind be fore and i think that i will make that a name of one of my children when i have them. I just, Grant, it's a great name. William and Grant are both amazing names. Thus shall be the name of the children. I won't have any girls. I am positive my ovaries have rejected that idea and will not accept any sperm that is carry another X chromosome. Just becuase they made the fateful mistake of choosing that letter, doesn't mean they are about to let a girl pop out of this dangerous mixture.
Four minutes... it's crazy.
I'm ready now... i think that i am going to lay down. Stare at my ceiling and wiat for morning to come. There's nothing else to do now... here we are. Here's to another day, another year, another chance to make mistakes and make memories that will make me smile for eternity. More importantly, here's to the night.
And here we are. Happy 17 to me.

GoD, I LoVE You bUT yOU tRouBLe mE...... ShE pUshEs HiM aWaY

Hey everyone... how are you doing? I figured i might as well as you becuase, i don't know exactly how i am doing anymore... It's hard to explain life right now. I don't think that i have the energy or will.... I just feel like nothing matters any more. If there was a way that i could sit and do nothing forever, basically that's what i would do. It seems as bad as i look at life people keep coming in and out smiling. They tell me i am funny and that they love me and then leave. I personally don't understand what about me that makes everyone so fucking happy... although, i am positive there are those few that i just tear to shreds. They're just to nice to say anything about it.
So over the past couple of days, i can't say that life has changed... at all. I think it's just the way that i have been percieving life until this point that has. I am always the one to be left behind, i never get to leave. It's really a fact that is starting to piss me off beyond belief. I don't really want to go into the specifics of my life, i fear that you find them terrible boring and there is no point in draging my life into this whole thing. Just to leave it at the fact that i hurt... is that not enough?
I have been spending the last couple days of mine crying a bit. I blame it on pent up emotion that is now starting to bubble out of the surface. It doesn't get any worse than when you are laying on your floor trying to stuff yourself under the bed laughing and crying. It's not the fact that i laughed so hard i cried, it was more just that i didn't know which one i should do at that moment... I ended up crawling into my bath tub and sitting there decided upon crying. It was more of a silent cry though. I stared at the faucet. And the hot and cold nozzle... there is a lot more blue on it than red. That and my toe nails. Their still painted Barbie pink. It's interesting and so uncharacteristically me.
I was talking to Brandon the other day (that seems to be one of the only people i talk to anymore) as we were driving home. You know, just wanting to drive because there is something so different about driving. I know that Brandon likes to drive and i know that i like to watch the scenery go by, but he had spent a lot of money on gas, so we took my car. There was a bitching sunset and there was beautiful water. I have pictures to remember and to use as my background on my phone too. It really was one of those picturesque moments that i could most certainly die in... but, after the sunset, there was nothing to do but return home... We talk like normal people do. I listened to the counting crows. "What's one thing you'll remember about me" I really like Adam Duritz... there is no way anyone will be able to challenge him lyrically. I told Brandon that all i wanted to do was change someone's life. I want to be a complete mystery and i think sometimes i don't do as well a job as i wish i could. He told me it wasn't true... i don't know, i believe him and i don't. I'm undecided on deciding basically. I just know that i don't know a damn thing. The more days that pass the more i just want to pass out.
So, i don't know what's going to happen next. I don't think that i want to know. I am afraid of what is going to happen next. I'm afraid of right now. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afriad for you and i am afraid for me. What do you think we should do? Nothing? Alright, that's cool with me.
I used to be imersed in the thought of elsewhere. I am sitting here at my computer writing something so completely useless and i wonder where the hell everyone that i know is. It's like that thing, "we are both looking up at the same dark sky and the big white moon" Somewhere else, everyone's lives keep on living. You would think that when someone else is happy you can feel that knot in your stomach rise or when someone is upset you also feel that jab of pain. It's not so. Out there somewhere someon could be ruining you life and any chance at love you ever knew, and you would know. Completely oblvious... if that feeling doesn't make you feel like complete shit... I suppose that's the thought of paranoia. Terrible thing is, i am never paranoid unless there is justification. Which means, i am always too late.
It's back to something i have said before. Anyone's greatest triumph, is someone else's downfall... For someone to be happy, someone else must suffer. It's not martyrdom, it's just life. As shity as that may seem, you are not anymore special than anyone else. We always move on, and there is plenty of time to forget.
I want to leave here. Not for the purpose to escape my parents or because this town seems boring. I need to leave because i need to leave myself behind. I need to find someone else who is happier and has a more fulfilling life. I have tried to go over my options again and again. Where can i go? What can i do when i get there? How far away is far enough. I have rouhgly three options right now. One keeps me local but secluded and the other tow mean leaving and i mean far. I would prefer one of those. The point is that no one would know where i am. It's a time for meditation and growing up. I have some contacts that i need to make and some figures and plans i need to investigate before i make any moves, but, i will. I have some talking i need to do, and some not talking i need to get started on too. It's a busy day in the life of me.
Things aren't changing... i'm still the same. I wish i wasn't. I never have been happy this way. Won't you keep my secrets. Won't you let me be. If chad was still alive i could live with him this summer... oh summer... you are so sweet and kind to me. That story's pretty old. I'm over it... or am getting there. I'm trying? Is that good enough for now? It's going to have to be because i can't promise much more. I just, always have to be left behind don't i? Well not anymore.

i HaVe to SPeCuLate ThAT GoD mADe uS iNto CoRespOnDinG PuZzLe PiECes

I guess it's only been a day since i updated. Checking the date and feeling that i am incredibly pathetic for having nothing better to do. But i am in one of those moods where i just feel like writing and geting every spare thought out of my head so i can do some serious soul searching. After the occurances of the past few days and the most random of mood changes, which i guess i found out weren't so random at all, i feel that it is completely necessary to clear out... i just don't know how willing i am to that whole jive... and yes, i did just say jive.
Let's start on today. Today was a good day. I woke up didn't i? Well, i went about my everyday life. Talked to a few people. Found that a lot of them completely annoy me. I don't know how a lot of the day progressed... it just kinda went by. I found myself in physics. Kistler wasn't there which means i didn't get yelled at for not doing the make up assignment and i got an entire class period to work on homework. I didn't, but at least the option was out there. I ended up sitting in the back of class and after i completed one problem, i felt so satisfied that i closed my book and talked to Henry the rest of class. He had just gotten out of a heated debate as to the reason he hates retards (don't ask) and was feeling kinda down. I realize that you don't have to agree with every point that other people make, you simply have to understand where it is that they are coming from. Everyone simply shot down Henry because what he was saying wasn't exactly the Christian thing to do... that's a lot of the reason i hate my school. There is absolutely no room for tolerance and acceptance of a critical new thinking. Still, i talked to Henry for a very long time. I finally found out what this kid in my classes name was. It's Blake. He seems nice enough. He has interesting things to say and i found it quite humorous that Henry was absolutely convinced that i have had sex. I said something that eluded to the fact being i am a virgin and he did a double take. He really thought the air i had around me absolutely proved that i had been a free love kinda person. It made me smile. I like being someone that is not easily readable.
One thing in particular was that we discussed being content. I am in a way content. This is supposed to be a word that is synonomous with happy. False. In some ways content is close to happy, but they are not the same. This has been gone over time and time again and what i find is that content may be on the road to happiness, but it isn't. There is like this space that content lies in. It overlaps a little into happy and a little into indifference. For me, a lot of the time content pertains to me being indifferent about a situation. Not happy, but not terribly uspest. Things could go either way, meh. I just didn't like how everyone jumped on the band wagon of content being happy. Henry was the only one on my side. And we conviced Blake. A ver good reason as to why they are awesome. They thinkg outside of the box.
I have been having a lot of thought on long distance relationships as well. I don't think they exist. Henry doesn't think that highschool relationships exist at all. This stemmed from the sex talk. He said everything in highschool is basically a booty call. It was a specific instance when his friend has sex with some girl and then he didn't say anything after he was done and promptly left after ejaculation. There was nothing wrong with it in his eyes and the girl was somewhat put off by it. I think i may agree that highschool realtionships are nothing more than that. Not real love anyway. There are those hardcore fanatics of love out there that would agree with me and i say go ahead. There are exceptions i will grant you that, but for the most part, bootycall city. And i am okay with that because i never plan to have a relationship with someone inside of highschool. Yet, i was able to convince him that there is a very big difference between highschoolers have relationships with other highschoolers and highschoolers having realationships with those in college. I think those could be legitamately called love. There is some kind of commitment and outside driving force that makes them more special than something in the walls of penn could ever be. I also find that relationships between college kids aren't terribly serious either. A bit more of a booty call. I don't know what it is, but there is something so right and true about that statement. College and highschool just seem to have this invisible bond between them. The people, i just feel can be more compatible. Both parties are not together constantly and therefore have to have more of a basis for communication than sex because they don't get together that often. Long distance also means there is more talking, but i still believe that if you don't see eachother at least once a month if not every couple of weeks, it's doomed. I never found someone who agreed with me more than him. It was refreshing. I somehow feel there may be a story there for him, but i don't think now is the appropriate time to be pressing him for information... in good time.
So there isn't anything else. I felt good today. I wasn't happy, but things were better than bad. That doesn't happen often, i have to appreciate that. There are a few things in life that i still have to figure out and get off of my chest. I have a feeling it's going to take a while which the thought nearly kills me and this is not the place to have feelings bursting out of. I have a notebook for that.
Speaking of my notebook, i had no idea just exactly what that thing meant to me. But today in geometry i read through the entire thing, front to back. It turns out that i had taught myself the lesson in geometry because i thought that's what they did when i was gone, but i was wrong so i was ahead of everyone else and got the go ahead top basically sit out cause i had done all the home work too... yet, i did read all of my thoughts from the past year. I did smile. I cried. I basically had every human emotion that is possible. Something i never realized was exactly how much i hated. I hated people with sometimes all of my being. And these were my friends. It was a bad november i suppose. Preceeded by quite a few bad months. It's just life. Reading over mine, i know so much more now than i did. And i feel that i am still in the same spot of difficulty that i was. I'm moving on. No i'm not, but i am trying to be happy. At least let me have that.

DoN't WoRRy i kiLLed ThE LaST SnAKE tHat LiVEd iN THe CrEek bED

This has been by far the very most longest week in a while. There has been a lot that i wasn't expecting. I knew that when my loves from college returned to visit and spend the entire week in the same town with me my life would be more interesting. I just seriously underestimated how interesting that they would be... Which now leaves me to ponder what exactly it is that i want out of life.
For as long as i can remember, i thought that i knew what i wanted. Granted that is a very stupid thought to have because, duh, people change and you can never hold on to what you want forever. But there is something to be said for keeping feelings about another person so close to you for such a long time. They ingrain in your DNA and soon enough, you can't imagine yourself against anything else. I don't know what i am trying to say, but i know that my life changed this week. Not in the sense that it can't ever go back, although i do have my doubts that it ever could, but i don't feel that i want to. Someone was honest with me and i haven't felt that in a while. I'm not saying that people constantly lie to me, but it's all whether or not you believe that any omission is just as bad as not telling the truth. No one has been more openly honest with me that Dan in a long time. Last one on record would be Chad. Which just goes to show how long it has been that i had a genuine connection with someone.
It was a bold move of action for him to kiss me which simply hasn't happend... I've been talking to Brandon a lot lately, simply because he is my best friend and it seems that everyone has their moments which they want to move and simply don't. I have been trying to wrap my brain around the reason as to why nothing happend this summer. "Everyone" supposedly had a crush on me, maybe even more than that, but no one did anything. I can only question, why? Different reasons, but none of them are good enough. I stood in the center waiting, anyone could have called my name. There was something inheritly intriguing about every single person. All they had to do was call my name. I just wanted someone to claim me, to do anything. I didn't want to hear it, i wanted someone to show me something, some sign that i wasn't alone... Brandon said they were just too afraid to move. I don't know, i just wish something would have happend... truth be told.
This leads me to perhaps the most massicistic game of all time, what if? I'm sure everyone knows the rules well enough. You go back to all of your most wonderful and usually vulnerable memories and wonder what would have happend if you did what you really wanted to. If you said the thing that really was on your mind instead of the false smoke that always is there to use as protection. I don't know where it would have taken me. But when i think of instances, i cry. Is it just that beautiful, or is it because it would have caused that much more pain? I know that they were moments that i would have genuinely been happy. I would have closed my eyes in peace and floated somewhere directly above the place that i had been. To me there is nothing more comforting that laying my head somewhere not sure where we go next, but incredibly glad that i got to the point where i don't know next. *All of those moments where i said i was cold, i really meant i love you. All those times i said i should be home, i really meant to kiss you. All those times we stared off into the same vantage point, i was lost in your eyes. All those times, never happend. I just find it hard to keep reminding myself it was for not.*
If i say that i think my life will be radically different soon, people will disagree with me, or be worried as to what that means. Maybe, even not want that to happen. But fear not. I think its a long time coming. I have a lot more courage now than what i did before. I have had a lot of moments this spring break that i can never forget. Expiriences and places that i never want to forget. Alot more open ended questions that are only answered when i stare up at the sky or feel the wind blow my hair to the side. I can't help but think they felt it too. I'll never know...
Ten more weeks until i am no longer a junior. Five weeks until they come home. Five weeks until prom. And the realization that i may go to college with all of my best friends. And the fact they would only be one year ahead of me save dan.
It's now a proven fact that i should have no human contact this early in the morning. I acn't form good sentences and i am a timebomb... ready to explode dangerous words all over the place. Now is not the time. Here is not the place. Before i am too far gone, i am just going to leave. Just going to walk in the North direction to the bed and lay. Listen to the music staring blankly into the ceiling... thinking.... I wonder what the fuck i am going to do now. I wonder what i am going to feel next. Whatever it is, i think i may run with it. Then i can get away from here. Which is all i ever wanted.

i StiLL doN't KnoW wHAt LoVE MeAns

I don't think i have ever said it before, but Ray Lamontagne has one of the most sultry and amazing voices i have ever heard in my life. I find myself listening to Trouble and i can't put it down. I know why. But i... don't know. I just get those temporary mind lapses. I have this feeling as to why this album is so right for me in this moment, but i can't put it into words. Sometimes i just wish my life was in that movie where this girl, she may have been an extraterestrial but she takes this guys hand to explain what her feeling is and put his hand on her heart. Like between her boobs on her chest and he can just feel all of her pain. Mine isn't pain, it's just a feeling that i wish i could convey, but i lack the super human powers...
I wonder why it is that a man can walk around with his shirt off and it is socially acceptable. If i try it, it's totally wrong. Like if i even make the statement that i prefer to be not wearing a shirt, whoah! I'm still wearing a bra, it doesn't even matter. But still... riskay! Psh please. If you think fatty deposits are sexxy check out my love handles...
I didn't do anything today. Maybe that's why i am trying to make up for it by writing on here. It seems that during the day i have so much energy and i make all these plans. I was going to go running today instead of watching law and order. Only my favorite show in the world. But no, i didn't go running, and you are wrong if you think that i stayed here to watch Land and Order... i fucking fell asleep. But i may have mentioned that earlier. I missed two things. I also was going to find my pin for Pinnacle and check my grades, didn't happen, and i don't have motivation now. It's too late. I think that if i didn't have school bringin me down, i would be so much more active. I could have written a million things by now, or done quite a few drawings, but alas, none such has happend.
I really want to clean my room, but i don't know were to start. I have so much crap that i just can't get rid of. I mean, i could, but i don't want to. I like everything the way that it is, i just kinda feel cluttered. Maybe it's the shit that is covering every surface of my room. I think i am going to do something about it tonight. I slept for freak five hours today, i still have a ton of energy, shouldn't let it go to waste. If only sleeping for extended periods of time also increased our motivation... mmmm.
Life has hit another one of those inevitable lulls. I figure things will get more exciting after everyone comes home. The problem is, that i am not bored in the least. I may seem like it at this moment, because i am not conversing with any other human. At school, i am tons more fun than this. I never seem to have a dull moment there. This is this understood comeradery between me and the kids in my classes. There is just a different feeling there. I smile and make shitty comments and laugh. I missed laughing more than anything else. I also learned from myself that most situations that are amazing come from groups of threes. Fours, sometimes, very rarely. Just as sometimes best things come from two's. Maybe it's the fact that i have a thing abou odd numbers. They always are my favorites, for whatever reason. There might be something subconcious there, but i don't care to indulge in it. It's another one of those feelings that i wish i could express with you having your hand on my heart.
Something that i can't stop thinking about as of late, why is it that most people say all that they want is to fall in love? Like, there really is nothing else you want? So many songs that are written about love and wanting that? I wonder if most people in this world are not just masicists because they want something they can't have. If you ask anyone would they mind falling in love, i don't know that they would object. The thing that really amazes me, is the people who fall in love with eachother. Holy shit, that takes a lot of timing and perfect instances. Getting two people who can feel that much for eachother is something of a miracle. The times that i have fallen in love with someone and they have fallen in love with me back have been few and far between. But i have a ton of people around me who have fallen in love with people, and i would say myself as well, but that the other person does not reciprocate those feelings, at the time. Timing is a very big thing i figured out. It means almost being hit by that bus and having your ass blown away. It means having someone fall in love with you so completely, and having to walk away because they have finally found someone else. Your misfourtune is someone else's miracle.
I don't have anything else. Nothing left now but to ponder when something will happen to me next. It's been a good time. I have been more content now than ever. So content that i just want to sleep, or cry, or sing or something. I'm a ball of emotion. A sack of skin. I am a mirror, i shouldn't have memories, i should reflect the present. It does no good to reflect the past, that can only bring trouble and heartache... How i wish that thought was my own.

HoMe, hOMe wheRE i WanTeD tO gO

"I decided to send this letter as it was before i talked to you that night. Take it as you will. Sorry it took so long." I still wonder why things don't hit us until it is months later. That we didn't see all the tell tale signs of agony and heartache until the time to cure it has past. And i think that some words are just so beautiful that they will live on deep in the heart of everyone forever. It's the words that you still cry at later because they were so true. Someone meant them that much... you just have no other choice but to read on and cry your fuckin eyes out. I always will too. Just in case paper isn't forever i had to put a words from that paper here, sentimental reasons, cause afterall, i am merely a sentimental guy.
Scott came home this weekend. Unanounced. No big thing. It's always better that way. Dan and Scott will be back up here in another week for their spring break... i look foreward to it, but i am not a lady in waiting. There are times to make up for. I mean, my best friend has been out of comission for the past week. Time made up indeed.
I've been writing a lot lately. I am not sure why exactly. I just don't want to stop. Maybe the reason that i am on here now. That and the fact that it is March and i have to have at least one post of the happenings of life on here in a month. With march being my favorite, it should have it's share. I only assume that there will be many ado's on here becuase i mean, spring break. I should have something to say on the subject, right?
It's hard to believe that i have had this thing for nearly a year. I only got one because brandon had one. So did ian, and dan. Maybe i didn't just get it for brandon. I think it was just something that i needed. A place to write everything. In detail, for a later generation... or for me to reminisce on...
I keep thinking about the future. It's so far away, and it seems all to close. I just have flashes of me at an older age, pregnant, children, happy. It goes in that order i am pretty sure. At least the first two... I don't know why. I just kinda fastforeward through highschool and college, the times that are supposed to be the best in life. Learning things for the first time. Being on my own with virtually no responsibility besides my grades. I just don't know why i always go past that. I never thought that i would be one who wanted the big family life, but maybe i am wrong... It's still so far away. So until the day happens that i meet my perfect match, i am gonna lay of all this future business. And the scary part is, what if i have walked past my perfect match on the street, or already met him? AHGH!! Crazy shit, please. Like i don't already know.
I think that at the begining of the school year, everyone was a lot more trusting in one another. I don't know what happend to that, but i wish we could go back to the way that we were. It was just that we knew eachother a lot better than we don now. I suppose there are expiriences that we each have felt alone and together that make it impossible to relate the same way. I somehow believe that we each have secrets that we keep from eachother. Secrets between friends is sometimes all too necessary, it keeps us sane. It keeps us in good graces. It can tear us apart or even drive us crazy. There has to be that point that it all becomes inconsequential as well... I am waiting for that point. And to myself, any "secrets" i may be keeping, don't seem like secrets. They seem like shameful things that i have to keep to myself for self preservation. It's like that post that ian made so many months ago. If we make these blatant comments, it may cause our world to double over and collapse on itself. So we make vauge generalizations to let everyone know that there is a something and to be weary of it cause it may just rear it's ugly head. And it give the writer some small satisfaction that even thought the recipient can't make heads or tails of the fucking message, it was said. All the blame really is on the reader. The writer explained herself quite readily. The reader just wasn't ready to understand it.
I remember one thing from the summer. It very well maybe the only time that i was able to make scottatious laugh. Porn star style. mmm... I'm gonna ask you again, are you high? Little blurbs that i want to forever keep in a vault until my children are my age and i can explain to them, yea, i was young once. I was in love upon a time. I had an amazing summer in which all of yours put together will never rival. So there!! HA!
I'm gonna smile now, and close my eyes and travel in time. Whether it be backwards or forewards, i do not know, nor do i know if in a few hours i shall be able to recall. I do know that i cherish you, whomever you are. And those of you who i know who you are. If i died, i would die happy. And isn't that the greatest achievement that one can reach? I think it is. Yay. All words escape me. Just... yay.