LivE thRouGh thiS aNd you Won't Look BacK

I am not okay. I am far from fucking okay. Nothing is getting better. Time is not fixing the problem. I look at the calendar and realize it hasn't even been a week, but nothing is better. I am not happy. I laugh but i don't laugh long enough. Happiness exists. I have it in my daily life, but the things that made me happy don't anymore. And i don't know what that means. What am i supposed to do now? What the fuck do you propose i do now?
I'm bitter, and sad and i hate this. I hate that i can't be happy. I hate that it's not even been a week. I hate that i have to be on pain pills. I hate that the euphoria doesn't last. I hate the downward spiral my life is in and that no one knows... no one has any idea. We are all good and hiding our dirty laundry, everyone.
I need a sign, something that tells me life is worth living again. I need more than a promise and a word that everything will get better. That's true. I have so much to live for. Good friends trying to make this easier (so hard, to no avail), good future... blah blah blah. It's inspirational life bullshit that has no place in my day to day life. Nothing anyone has said has made this anymore less painful. I'm better than him, i'm more mature than him, he really was telling me lies, there was a good point to not trusting him, other people don't trust him either, he was bound to hurt me, good thing i got away before i was too attatched, he had to many problems for me to deal with, he is an unforgiving jackass... IT DOESN"T WORK! Even repeating these, they don't make any sense to me. I don't care what it was. I was already attatched, he never had to many problems, he was as forgiving as he could be. Everyone has their limits... i don't know, i just don't know.
I can't draw anymore. I start a picture and the girl ends up crying or the guy ends up sad. I just have to put my charcoal away as well as my oil pastels. It's too late, it's been too late for a long time.
I burned the Band Of Brothers Soundtrack and i can't stop listening to it. No it's not because it was scott's favorite TV miniseries, it's because it has some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful music i have ever heard in my life. It makes me sad and happy and everything. It swells and then falls and is angelic and pull my heart right out of my chest.
I can't go to the lake anymore. It hurts to look at he water.
I want to believe that i am stronger than the way i am acting. I have to believe that i am better than this. I feel pathetic and weak and that i can't even take care of myself. This is so ridiculous. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want it all to be over with. I want to believe that he never existed and then i don't want to do that because i miss him. I miss being his friend. Talking to him. Giving him any kind of hope in life. Being there to comfort him and converse about life. Having him there to comfort me. I miss it. I miss him. I hate this... I hate being the weak one. I hate crying. And i hate the fact that i think he is out there enjoying life. Moving on the way that i should be and the way that i can't. What's wrong with me? I am surely stronger than this.... i swore it to myself... i swore.
I read my blue comp book the other day. Everything that i ever wrote. There is so much and i can recite most of it by heart. I really hated scott. I don't know if that was a front or not. I just wish that i knew what he had done to hurt me so badly. I remember what he said about Chad. That i needed to get over him and shouldn't tear myself apart every month... that hurt and i hated him for saying it... but i don't feel anything when i think about it now. It's just kinda empty. I'm just empty.
I also really liked him and was positive that i he never would return thoes feelings. I have officially been wrong about everything in my life. Why do i even bother anymore?
Why should i bother?
It would have been a month today. He and i never even made it a month...
I hate todays, much like yesterdays and the days before. Tuesdays can officially rot in hell. Chad died on a tuesday. I crashed my car on a Tuesday. And Scott broke up with me on a tuesday... I really really really hate life.

goD wE'Re so FucKEd uP, yOu and ME

I feel like absolute shit. Las night was bad. These days my life is getting worse and worse and there's nothing i can do about it. It's my own fault. My problems are fucking me over and destroying one of the few things that makes me happy. The happiest. I am not doing well with this. I spent the entireity of the night crying. My eyes turned green. I really let go.
I talked to scott online and as in all of my dreams he was kind of avoidy. And he didn't say much, but i figured it was the whole discussion we had a few days ago. I apologized because i was in the wrong. I realized why i had done it, why i had lied to him. He didn't believe that i was sorry and all i wanted was a quick fix so "no i don't believe that" 'That' being me.
I don't like telling people about the defense mechanism i have of pushing people away. It's the most shameful thing that i can do and i have done it time and time again. I try and not, i really try not to push but it's like instinct takes over and i fuck things up. I'm a massicist when it comes to that, i really must love hurting myself if i keep doing it. And i hate it. But i told him. He wanted me to. I knew it was a bad idea, but perhaps he could understand, right? I did nothing but tell him the truth. A very ugly truth and he didn't say anything. The he did... he was short and snappy and told me he didn't want to say anything at the moment because anything he did say would come out wrong or mean. (badly i think were the exact words that he used.) i didn't know what that meant and i asked him how and he let me have it. Don't i learn from the past. "Let's put it this way i can not believe that THAT is the reason that you lied to me" it goes on and on but i am trying to block it from my memory i think.
I can't stop thinking about it and i really want to. I've been sick twice through the night and all i can do is listen to music. I tried reading and i think i am going to try that in a little bit because it kinda worked? Not really but i need to do something. My stomach is twisting into knots. And it's all my fault.
As if i didn't feel bad enough about the lying and the reason, sorry and ashamed as i was, then i was berated. I think if you could whose just the right words to hurt me even more than i already was, those were them. Mad at me because i can't learn from the past. Because i did this. I knew what i was doing. I will say this, i do not intentionally hurt people. if i had seen what i was doing before i had finished i would have stopped myself. But unfortunately i didn't see it until it was too late to make it all go away. I did, however, tell the truth. I told him the unadultered truth and the thing that happend is he couldn't deal. He couldn't understand. I know it's not an excuse. I told him that before i even said a word. I had more faith in him that flying off the handle. But i don't regret it. I deserve this, and i just want things to get better so badly. I don't know if that will ever happen. I can't forgive myself. He has to do that and i don't know if he wants to... It's the not knowing that is eating me alive.
I can't stop looking at this picture of me scott brandon and dan. We're all smiling. If i put my fingers over brandon and dan it just leaves a smiling chelsea and a smiling scott. And i wonder if we are ever going to be like that...

'cause we'LL aLways be iN Love

I know right now that there is no way this is going to be sufficient time to write everything that i want to. I don't know what it is about writing that is so relieving in a time of pain and what not. Even though, this isn't really a time of pain at all, i just feel like writing and looking at my thoughts from a reasonable distance. It may help me grapple with everything that right now i am failing to.
I like the idea that this has been abandoned by the people i know. And by this i mean blogspot. No one updates theirs anymore. Dan of course left it the way that why would you want to ruin this chapter in life by adding anything else new, it's not needed. I feel more complete lately. Like after this long while of waiting, with no resolution, things are finally final. This is like a tree house that we all used to come and hang out in. Pretend with eachother that life was full of interesting adventures and there was so much in the universe to speculate on. I still come back here and speculate. I look up at the expanse of memory still left in these coded pages and laugh. I read the demise of such good friendships and weep. This isn't a daily thing for me, in fact it is really hard to write a meaningful entry at all. I come here, log in, and can't seem to write what exactly it is that i want because i don't know what i want to say. This is why the blog has seemed inactive for nearly two months... dang. I swore i would never get it that bad.
I'm dating Scott now. It's just weird to say it out loud. Because while these words are right, they don't really say everything... and that's when i have to go to work and add to this later, which i probably won't.