tWo wEekS 'tiLL i sAY i'm SorRy

I am continuing to wake up all by myslef at the weirdest pints of the morning. It is starting to make absolutely no sense to me and I am tired of it. Nine. Why nine? I could look at it as being a strange omen and something ones of these days is actually going to happen at nine. But until that time, i am just going to be pissed that i am not sleeping in to noon. This did however come in handy today because i have to work and turns out i really wanted to take a shower this morning. Disgutsting but, i drooled a lot last night in my sleep. I have not done that for years and years. Why now? So many things are going on. Creepy... Oh, i talked to lauren two days ago. She was really mad at me for calling her a bitch on this site and blaming doug for everything. I understaned that, but what i don't understand is how she got the information. She barely gets online any more. I did post on my xanga that i didn't use it that much and that i like this site a lot more and if you really want to know what's going on in my life hit this one. But that was a lot of posts ago and even if she did get online she woulnd't have time to go through all of them and find it. She said that people have been telling her about it and i swear that she mentioned davids name. And "other people". She said even doug told her she should read some of the stuff i was saying about her. Needless to say we had a screaming match on the phone. God, i haven't done that since.... david in the car at Cedar point. That little tiff has no comparison to the screaming with lauren. She's beeen busy... and some of the things she said really hurt and had me questioning the person i was like none other. "Since you've been hanging out with ian and brandon and all them it seems like you're too good for your other friends. A lot of other people think so too..." that is the thing that got me the most. After I got off the phone with her i couldn't shake that. Because i was scared to death that it was true. I had never felt that, but maybe subconsiencely i thought i was too good for them. I had been told that i was fairly amazing, for my age. I layed in my grass and was so worried it was true. And that i had lost my place with my friends and that it would be a world that i couldn't enter back into. And i thought that all of my other friends were mad at me because i hadn't been there this summer. I was planning on going over to ians, but i was invited to laruens house because david and heidi were coming over. I needed to be there and i really wanted too. But, Lauren called and told me her mom didn't want that many people coming over so i was nixed. She said she still really wanted to see me and was going to call me... yesterday. She never called and we never went to breakfast this morning. I'm still waiting for her call.... So i did get over to ians house and when i walked in i honestly tried to analyze myself being there. Like why i was, how nice they were but how much i wouldn't really miss the ones that were leaving. Thought about all of the pathetic drama i had been going through my head didn't mean anything and how all i wanted to do was leave and go hang out with my friends my own age... I tried to convince myself of this for maybe the first fifteen minutes and quit. Because I am going to miss them, the drama really was useless (so it did help with that), and how i miss my friends but i don't wish i was anywhere else when i am with any mixture of dan, scott, ian, brandon, ryan, ect. I just never will. And i ended up having a good time as always with them. That and the hookah was burning very amazing they had this new method with the tin foil so it doesn't burn your throat at all. Only problem with this is that you don't know when to stop. And we smoked this mint and ian brandon and myself got our asses kicked by the hookah. That was the first time for me. That feeling will be with me always. And i'm sure if dan had been there he would have asked me if i was high. Now here is the good question, could i answer him yes? I don't know... But then i came home and got online that thursday night and i IMed heidi cause i wanted to see how she was and there wre somethings on my mind. And she is always the one that understands me. We have been in the group of best friends for eachother since the fourth grade. We go back a ways. And she and i have this amazingly understanding friendship. When i asked her if she thought that i thought i was too good for them, and she told me honestly a little but that she wouldn't imagine telling me cause it would be blowing this out of proportion. She says that she understands that i need to be with these people and how they are leaving just the way i understand that she has her camp to do because its summer. She always knows how to make me feel so much better. I guess that's what seven years if friendship will do to you. She will always understand me better than anyone. I love having that understanding, i can't imagine my life without her. Here's to you heidi. So, i had to work yesterday and scott, brandon, and dan went up to scotts lake property and they spent the night. I wasn't going to drive up there by myeslf so i didn't end up going. That's okay. I would have loved to go, but things just didn't work out. I know there will be other times. And they will be fun. Mmmm. I have feelings for ian. Two weeks away and they stir up very much. *sigh* Well i am going to be late for work so i am going to leave. I hope that they get back today. I want to have something to do tonight. Until then... watch amelie. She'll change your life....

IN tiME

I have not posted in a very long time and I guess that it is something i should do. It's not like i don't have anything to say, i have actually done a lot of things. It has been a very good summer. So good it is flying by and is nearly over. I have done none of my summer reading and am counting down the days until all of my friends leave for college. Damn me for making good friends with all of the people who already graduated. Maybe if they hadn't been so damn cool I wouldn't have done it. But unfortunately for me they are terribly interesting and I will miss them more than words can say. Brandon for sure has it worse than me, but it makes no difference. They are dears. I went to try and visit lauren this week. And it failed miserably. She was an extreme bitch and then tried to leae this message on my phone apologizing. I'm very tired of her bullshit apologies and i don't want to forgive her this time. Why do i keep trying when she obviously doesn't want to be friends anymore? I should be able to write her off completely the way that she has done to me... i guess i am just a better person tham her. I don't want to lose a friend. But i don't want to be the only one trying anymore. I want to blame doug because he is an asshole and i blame him for a lot of the problems in her life cause in all honesty he is to blame. But this time it was all her. There was no doug, nothing. It was her being a bitch. And i am tired of it. She gets one more chance. One more... then i can't try... Scott left for Lake Huron on friday and will be gone until tomorrow. I miss him a little, but only a little because he has called my cell phone a lot since he has been gone. I don't think he is having a good tiem because he said so. With him not here, things are pretty much carrying on like they always do. I go see brandon, he's usually with dan , we sit down at pizza king and talk, we go to dairy queen and loiter. No big changes. I could do that forever... unfortuately i won't be able to. But in more exciting news Ben is out of town for two weeks. Why do i know this? I don't know. Not that exciting i guess. Just news. We don't get much of that around here. Just reporting on what i get. He is in New York though... and i am jealous. On thursday before Scott left, we went over to brandons house and watched the shining. Stanely Kubric.. what a director. That and Scott tried to smother me with a pillow. And all i have to say is that he got out of breath and tired and had to rest. From doing this, here act it out, put your arm out and hold it there.... end of action. Hehe. Then again maybe it was brandon who was rolling all over him... another story for another day though. Friday I went with Dan and Brandon and Ryan to Mancinos for lunch. Delicious Veggie delight. I could actually go for another one. This would be the point that most people say yum or another descriptive sound for the tastyness of the food but I really hate it when people do that so i am not going to. And in the future i would like it if none of you other people fo that cause it just makes you sound retarded. And now that i have said that, all of you are going to put it in you posts. Congratualations you are now an asshole. But after Mancinos, we went to orbit and I saw a poster named "Kiss" and for all of you ladies who don't know what this is, it is a picture of two women laying on a bed , an arial view, and it's of two girls kissing. They are wearing white tees and underware. I don't know which one of you girls let this little gem of a secret slip of what we do in our free time and at all of those "sleep" overs but damn you. And how could you not cut me in on those profits... So then we went to Best buy and then i had to work. Brandon and dan visited me on my break and then went elsewhere to find something fun to do. After work, i went to ians house and listened to the two messages that scott left. Which he then called again and talked to everyone at ians. I met hannah and i like her. She is very nice. Pretty funny too. Matt was there and i hadn't seen him in forever. And i can honestly say now that i have spent more time with laurens brother that with her this entire summer. I didn't stay too long. Smoked some hookah and then went home. Things are just off a little now. But i have to get over that. Everyone else has/is. I will too. Just need a little time. Other than that I went and saw March of the Penguins yesterday. Fabulous movie for those who love penguins. I mean it was the best thing ever. I loved it. And i'm pretty sure a ton of other people would have hated it. But thankfully i went with brandon and he appreciated it just as much as i did. Then we went to Dans and Srgt. Foxtrot now has learned how to scale people courtesy of Brandon. Damn that cat is crazy. So yesterday we pretty much ate pizza at the kings and then had some icecream at the queens. It was nice. I haven't talked to brandon that much one on one in a long time. Well... i guess not that long We do kinda talk about the same stuff over and over but i haven't gotten tired of it yet. It does vary a little. Reminiscing on some of the great times we had during spring break and learning some stuff we hadn't even when it happend ten feet away from where we were... hehe. Good times. I think i may have gotten him a little off at the dairy queen though... sometimes you can just never talk about things that happen because its too painful, especailly when the wounds haven't healed yet. All in good time. So now i am just waiting for the next exciting thing to happen. It may be scott coming home. It may be getting a phone call from lauren. It may be showing up on her doorstep on tuesday morning again and not taking no for an answer or bitching her out. It might be listening to the next recorded song for dans album or another night in brandons backyeard. Anything is possible. And everything will happen... in time.

heRe's a ToAst tO aLL tHosE whO hEAr Me aLL tOo WeLL

It's noon now. Middle of the day. I'm sure I could have written something charged and full of emotion last night... But last night. I would have regretted it. I kept going back and forth and confusing people, and i feel bad about it, but honestly, how the hell was i supposed to react? If i was supposed to be graceful under the pressure of the moment, someone should have told me. I was hit with too much all at once. I am a creature of habit and things changed entirely too much for me last night. I will tell you about it. But first i have to go back a little. So it was a very long time that i liked ian. Brandon knew. I think that ian knew. I don't know how he couldn't have. And in the moment of being very close to having something... i noticed a change. I don't know if it was him, or if it was me but something or someone changed and i removed myself from the situation. And after months of him being there in the back of my mind and getting butterflies when he was around, it just stopped. I will never feel for him again the way that i had, but i don't regret liking him. It was a time in my life. I wish that he would have realized it earlier, but i could wish things all day and it won't make them change. That was only a week or so ago so already a huge change. Brandon, he has liked me since... God very very long. If you didn't know that, you have to be blind. I ask him periodically if he has gotten over me. He never does. He knows how i feel about him because everytime i tell him. It does not make any difference. It hurts me to know that he will always like me and i really wish that he wouldn't. Again i could wish all day. I just want him to move on. No matter which direction i move i hurt him. If i find someone else, he is hurt, if i lie to myself and try things with him, he is hurt. I know it doesn't help that i continually fall for those who are his friends. And not just friends, his best inner circle of loved friends. I am a horrible horrible person which brings me to my next point. Scott. From the moment i heard him speak i knew that he was special. I didn't feel anything for him like that. But i did have an uncanny connection with him. I trusted him without question. I still do. Brandon of course was his best friend. Shared everything, talked about me, so i hear. And i loved him. Now as i say this, which conclusion do you jump to? That i have fallen madly in love with him and i want to date him? Or do i just love him as a good friend? Because the instance that i am speaking of telling someone that i loved him, i loved him the way that i love brandon and dan. Amazing people i don't understand completely and happy that i don't. Their mystery of understanding is captivating and i LOVE them. But someone obviously thought the other. Didn't even think to ask.... Time progressed and eventually i started having feelings for scott. And that brings me to another point. I went to Michigan with Scott and Brandon yesterday. I was sitting on the deck with brandon and i turned to him and asked him what i had so many times before. "Do you still like me?" He nodded. I looked at scott on the beach and then i looked at the sunset. I asked him "Why?" and he didn't have an answer. Something about me being the person i am. At this moment i realized i was in a situation. And more than one. Brandon will like me, maybe forever, and i will never feel the same. Second, I not only liked his friend this time, i liked his best friend. One that was not only special to him, but also to me. Brandon knew i liked scott, he even claimed that scott knew. I hated the spot i was in, cause either way.... this brings me to yesterday. So i woke up and there was a message on my phone and messages on my xanga and i read them and i was happy. Genuinely made my day better. And it is always those little things that make the biggest difference in someone's demeanor for the rest of the day. So scott was going to come over and talk to me. There were somethings i had to know, totally unrelated to me liking him at all. I was excited to see a friend. I got home from work and talked to brandon. Something was different about him and i still can't put my finger on it. I said "if only i were a year younger..." and he came right back with "if only" "always thinking about what if..." and he went away. I was unsettled. Shaken up a little. I got offline immediately. I couldn't be there anymore. I can't remember if it was then that i sent a message and scott came the way a good friend should. But it was sometime... He came over and talked to me on my deck for hours. There were so many things that we discussed. And one thing in particular, that i would rather not reveal, it just struck me. And in that moment i wanted to kiss him. No holds barred. I really wanted to. But i restrained myself because i know how he feels about a lot of things that directly relate to kissing and things come from kissing. And i also thought about the position i would be putting him in. Not only risking one of the most beautiful friendships i have ever had the pleasure of being a part of, but putting him between two best friends, not knowing whether he would feel the same and be awkward if it wasn't so, and so many other feelings that i can't express. I also didn't want to hurt brandon. And i held it in all night. And i was prepared to hold it in for the next 27 days until they left and then the temptation would be gone... but not forgotten. I told him that I would never give up on love. (it was a topic of conversation. like i said, i never revealed any feelings i had towards him. but we discussed things that would have.) and that with chad i knew at the beginning of the summer, at the beginning of the relationship i knew that i was not going ot stay. I would leave him forever and instead of closing myself off i fell madly and completely in love. and i don't regret one second i had with him because everyday that i spent with him was the happiest day of my life. Sometimes the seemingly wrong choice is actually the right one. And if you try not to get hurt you might be hurting yourself the most. Because even those who fall in love and know that they have little time still have the remembrance of love. And that is something that keeps me going everyday. If i hadn't had that, i might have given up ages ago. So i still believe in love, and i still believe this feeling i have in the pit of my stomach. And no matter how hard i try to forget them, i never will. So Scott left. I never kissed him. I gave him a hug goodbye. And then i got online. I don't know how long i was there before i started to tell brandon what i had been thinking about and how maybe not seeing him for a while might be a good choice. I just couldn't try and not talk about the thing that we were both thinking. And then it clicked. Somewhere in scott it clicked. And then he realized the situation that i had put him in. I can't tell you how much i wish that things were different. That brandon had never liked me. That he had never told scott how he felt about me. That i had met scott on my own and that maybe i would have had a chance. I said things. Mean things, confusing things, but both of them were on me at the same time and like i said a long time ago, i didn't handle the pressure well. I confused the hell out of scott and probably pissed him off. And even had the notion that we couldn't be friends anymore. I yelled at brandon and i wouldn't be surprised if he has lost all trust with me. As he rightly should. If he hated me, i know this would be easier. More clean cut. They left and i was alone. And i was lonely. And i was mad at myself and i was mad at brandon and i was mad at scott. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to have someone feel as bad and confused as i did in that moment. and then i fell asleep. I had horrible dreams. I had beautiful dreams. A lot of them dealt with scott and i was the most happy i had ever been. But in the end of them all, i lost him. He was killed or i couldn't find him, i feared for his life and i had to leave him. there were a million different ways and i knew then that i couldn't lost him. Even as a friend. I lost him so many times... and everytime hurt the worst. It just got worse and worse and then i couldn't sleep anymore. My dad came in and asked me to do him a favor by driving the new car. I did. I played no music, it was complete silence. I felt like i had been through hell. Still dazed by my dreams and still wishing things were different in the most half hearted way ever. It's hard to hurt and i do. I can't even say its them anymore, now it has to be just me. There are so many things that happened. And driving in that car, i felt alone. I felt a lot of hope had been lost and i felt empty. Maybe that is why i can write this entire fucking story that should be really painful and i know has to strike a nerve with some. I sat at the gas station and looked at the road. I saw scott drive by. It wasn't my imagination. I saw him and i couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything. He just passed me by. Just passed me by. And i came home and have been laying in my bed listening to one song over and over again. "Here's to the night" And everything in that song i feel. Everything in this moment makes that song the truest thing ever. Listen to it. Eve 6. Try and understand where i am, and then know how much that song is me.
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt aliveHere's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All I've heard for the past couple of weeks is that i am special. A rare find in this world full of dumbasses and that especially for my age i am amazing. And i can't understand it. I am not that rare. I am not kind. And i will never understand how i could have this much impact on people. I just wish that i wouldn't. But i could wish all day. And it won't change anything. So i'll sit here. The shell of the person i once was because of a night that i regret. I have never had one true regret in my life. But i can say that isn't true anymore. I regret saying those hurtful things. But i know how much sorry just doesn't make the pain any less. I have never found a word more useless than that. And i have never found, nor will i ever, find a word that it more dangerous and powerful than love. Damn love. And still... i will always believe in you.

sO yoU KnoW wHo it iS. i LiKe iT

Everything is silent. One of those nights that stands out in the memory because of the tranquil receses of the mind that come foreward for seconds of clarity and tears of understanding. You can hear the paper from cigarettes burning with the inhale of smoke. A steady hand looks at the cigarette. Inquisitve, confused, and even a touch of acusing glare. Everyone looks around, not at anyone else. But you can tell their minds are on other people, even those who are sitting around them. But not one. He stares at his cigarette. His hands are worn. They have worked many days or at least it seems. The rings on his fingers are with purpose. Every detail exact, every scar a story, even the ones that you can't see. Uptight. The paper crackles in the consuming fire. Long eyelashes protect the piercing eyes from doing damage against that cigarette. Such contempt. The stars a painful reminder... Those hands have done amazing things. Bulit things from nothing, fixing things that were once broken, slapping sense into those who need it, holding hearts, and breaking them. Every scar a story... Takes another puff from his cigarette and the hair falls in his eyes. The world is a painful reminder of the mistakes he has made, the things he can't forgive, even of himself. Someone nervously flicks their lighter and no one moves. No one knows the story, no one thinks to ask. Even the people who have known you all your life can't understand what plauges your soul sometimes. Deep within, a scenario plays out. A million times and every solution is different, somehow fixing the ending, making things the way they should. And after the fantasy disappears into that cloud of smoke the real ending plays again and a silent tear falls. He doesn't look around to see if they noticed. He knows they haven't. No one cares to hear the stories of heartbreak these days. They are all too common. So much to learn and so much neglected. He has a secret, a past. Without anyone knowing, feeling anykind of change, on has taken place. In a room full of once best friends, they have fallen to themselves and forgotten to share the truth, the painful times, the good. In a time when they should stick together, they have let silence tear them apart. The history, the past, is with him all the time. He is good at wearing the mask he has created for himself, but beneath it, he is only hardend and is breaking alone. He inhales again. One of his friends notices his scars. She wants to know the truth, she wants to know the past. But she is afraid. Not of what she might learn, but that he won't tell her. Instead she sits in silence, another casualty of fear. One last intake from the cigarette and the last soud of paper leaves it. He puts it out. He looks at his hands. They have done much work, created many things, fixed things when they were broken, held hearts, and broken them. Every scar a story, even the ones you can't see. Do you see them in yourself? Can you tell the ones who care to know. Will you keep it all inside? Will they never understand? Will you never forgive? I'll let you. Forgive me. I only want to help. No, I don't want to help... I want to understand.

Believing You'rE foRevEr loVed

So I am in helll. With three l's. I am feeling the most alone ever. I miss human contact. It sucks to be cooped up all day sitting on the couch eating icecream and trying to forget about everything for a while when there isn't even any stimulating conversation to tide me over. And that is the end of my rant. I wrote on the subject a while ago about being able to write what i truly felt on this blog. My memories in a vivid sense and it has now become topic of conversation for other blogs all over the internet (or at least in my circle of friends). Funny, in an akward way. I don't care. Vauge generalizations i guess will always work for me because we we attatch a name, it's personal. It becomes too real. Even when i simply read my name elsewhere i feel conected to the portion. Let alone to have something really personal with my name on it floating about... i guess it just makes things harder... I don't know what i am even saying now, i can't convey my feeling properly in this moment. I don't think i'll try anymore. I'm too good for anyone. That's what I was told this past week. No one deserves me I guess. That is an akward thing to hear only because you don't believe it. I feel that I will never be better than anyone else, but I somehow never want to settle. I have not settled yet, and I never want to. I live in constant fear of it though. The same way that other people live in constant fear of being alone. Which, honestly, I do fear being alone or dying with no one missing me and never having any children but not as much as settling. God, I worry too much. Here i am at 16 and already thinking my life is ruined. It's just the lack of people keeping me sane, I'll be fine by the weekend. I don't know why I feel like mentioning this now, but i do. Don't think of me as another concieted girl because I am nothing like other girls, not at all! But i am strong. And not like I can lift heavy things and arm wrestle you and win, even though i can do things like that, but i am an emotional rock. I always have been the stability for my friends. I was always somehow older and wiser. Maybe not exactly older, but definately wiser. I have answers to problems no one else does, and no matter what is going on in my life, someone elses problems are always more important than mine. Even if I was dying from cancer or someother horrible disease, I wouldn't tell anyone. I couldn't stand the thought of someone worrying about me all the time. And I love my friends to death but I would never tell them. I probably couldn't stand all of the pity i would get as well. I just can't take that crap. I guess that's what makes me think someday I could be a good mother. Even if i was a single mother. I would always have a smile for my kids, no matter how bad things could get. I need people to rely on me. The day I am not needed anymore will be the day I disappear. I have always been the shoulder, the expirience, the story, the confidence, the mom. I love taking care of people. But this same "gift" of understanding makes me think a little too much about things a girl my age shouldn't worry about. I have a better understanding of the world and with this better understanding i am cursed with a better understanding of the world. It also makes me think... I just won't be here that long. Something calls to me and lures me away from the life I am living here. I'm not crazy, i'm not suicidal, I just have this inclination that ... i won't be here. I am destined for bigger and better things than this lifetime can offer. I've already seen so much and lived through it all... i can't imagine there is too much else to expirience. And maybe i will be proved wrong and see a million more things with decades upon decades to go with it. Still in the back of my mind.... but enough of that. I'm the rock. You don't get to really see who i am. You'll see what i show you and be happy... everyone always is. That's what sitting in the house alone with nothing but your thoughts will do to you. People have said such sweet things to me lately I don't know how i will get along without them. Seriously self esteem must be at an all time high. I wonder where that will take me next. This last month of summer is going to be big. A lot is going to change and I am going to be doing part of it. I just have a feeling. Well, I have some writing to finish. It's been a while and life waits for no girl. Character pieces are my specialty. Quite characters they will be indeed. Night all. I miss you all terribly. Time is going by though. Sure enough, time always goes by...

ciNdEreLLa

Yesterday was a very useless day. I should have gone out, but i was.. how you say detained. It's a long story and I don't care to go into. Short version, me + curfew = 12:00. Sad I know. The gallavanting girl she is no more. But I am not that worried. It's for a month. Just one and my true friends will work around my new schedule. In the end I am fine with it and if i behave well, it might only be for two weeks. (fingers crossed). Is it sad that the only thing i am going to really miss is going to steak n' shake and sitting there from twelve until three? Fuck no. It was a great time and it should be missed. Last couple of days, here we go, just so i don't forget. Friday: Dan's show. Worst yet and i feel horrible about it. I was late, not my own doing and i felt like a horrible person. I never wanted to be late. I wanted to be early, but life sucks, or whit made me go somewhere and she had to loook perfect for the coffee scene or something... I was late and I was sorry. Johnny C didn't even play and it was pretty much Dan. He was so far away and everyone was so disrespectful to the beautifulness of his songs. Shit. So we left and went to steak n' shake. That was horrible. I realized it the moment i sat down. There is such a thing as too many friends. Or at least, too many friends in one place. A sacred ground was raped that night and i will make sure it never happens again. Later, we drove to Ians and then to Brandons and I left prematurely. I just hurt so badly. My head ached with thoughts and my back killed. Seriously I think that if a smaller animal had what i had it would have died or wanted to the way that i did. So i went home and "slept". Saturday: I had to work and then went to wings with my darlings. My darlings being Dan and brandon and now scott. I love talking to those guys and just being around them. They are so real- no, surreal. They think about everyday things in a way that has never been explained before. When they say that my generation is the future i am always scared to death because everyone i know are dumbasses. But knowing Brandon, Scott and dan are there, it makes me feel better. They... i don't know how to descibe it, so knowing and unknowing at the same time and can still make me laugh about stupid things. We went back to Brandons until the morning and then Scott and Dan and I went to breakfast at the IHOP. I hate that place, but I enjoyed the company. The three of them have to be the only people that i can hang out with for days on end, never get tired of the conversation we have, and can make me smile and cry at the same time. They are going to be something amazing someday and I hope that I am there to see it all. I came home at nine and the parents were pissed. So that is where the curfew came from. End of story. Sunday was just work and working on the parents to lighten the sentence. Now i have possibility to lessen it and i couldn't go anywhere for the day. As punishment? No, I was tired and couldn't drag my ass out of bed. I was called almost six times by scott and the first time, I remember this quite vividly. I couldn't find where the noise was coming from. Then I asked where the whip cream was and ended up picking up my tootis roll bank (thinking it was a can of whip cream) and tried to put whip cream on my phone. That was fucked up. Seriously. I woke up right about then and laughed. They called again and i picked up this time. Then I listened to scotts message (WTF mate?) and turned my phone on vibrate. I slept the rest of the night. Looking into someone's eyes is how you learn about a person. I have always belived this and still do. Its the way to the truth and how i fall in love. But I know now that I have only really looked into three peoples eyes over the summer. Dan, his eyes are blue, Brandon, his eyes are brown, and Scott, his eyes are the bluest i have seen (but that may just be because they contrast with his black hair or because they really are xtremely blue.) Funny. "In an akward way i suppose. I don't know where my head has been lately or what I used to believe. I just know that in the past 48 hours of my life, I have changed. It wasn't an event or anything tragic, well maybe a little. It was myslef. I started listening. Sometimes, when you want something for so long, you become blind to the truth. You stop seeing what is really there and start to have a warped view of the way things should be. I was lucky. I started to see things before I was in over my head. I saw what was there and I tried with all my might to forgive it and believe that it wasn't real. Pretend like it didn't happen. And then I realized that I couldn;t. And the reason I couldn't is because it was the real thing. I didn't want to admit that I had been wrong this entire time. I was disgusted. I stilll kinda am. But I am letting it go. I am glad that I was able to see it. I am glad that Brandon helped me feel what it was that I needed. Its the time between when you stop imaging and start seeing what it is that is there. I thought I had a diamond. I had three little rubys that I was going to trade for that diamond. Before I handed them over I saw at last this diamond was a rock. And that the three rubys I had were really the diamonds.God I'm glad I caught that one. I don't need anything big right now. I have three diamonds to keep company with even if it's only until midnight.

I...

I am free at last. It has been six months i think of being completely lost. I have been kept in a cage and at last i am free. My friend saved my life today. I swerved away from racoons tonight. I am free. I filled my gas tank and it cost $23.00. I am not in love. Some friends saw me do my job. My parents weren't here when i got home. My back hurt the least it ever has. I did all the dishes at work. I made a new friend. I forgot my telephone number. I slept until 1:30~ yes bitches i slept! I ate.. nothing, but i know i will. I had a Sprite for the first time in a while. I have a new phone number in my cell. I made some one jealous and then i made them unjealous. I told someone i loved them, as a friend kids. I listened to the counting crows. I told a lie. I heard a scream in the dark. I was afraid. I was saved. It had been a long day. A very very very good long day!

tE QuiErO

Doctors are bastards. I want to be a doctor. Should I be rethinking some things? I don't know, prolly not. I have enough on my plate right now. Ironic that i can't eat? hmm, chew on that. Well, doctor, doesn't know what's wrong with me. Asked me like ten times if i had fallen and just had it slip my mind. yes, i have a concussion too, ask me again why i can't remember. PONG! If i had remembered that I had fallen i don't think i would come to you to ask me why my back hurts. He said it was prolly the muscle being overworked and that i need to take it easy. Sorry fellas. Guess you know what that means... The upside of this story is that now i have a new best friend. His name is Mr. V. Unfortuanately i am not allowed to take him at work or anyother place that i will have to drive away from. Guess that means I'll just stick it out with advil even though it is almost completely worthless. Is it stupid that I write on this blog to remember my thoughts just as they were so that i can look back at them later. Or that i have an oppinion on here to see if in oh say five years i still feel the same way? But yet i censor what it is that i am going to talk about so that the other people who read this aren't offended or feel akward? That's shit. I wish that I had the courage to write out exactly what is on my mind. All i see to come up with are random segments of a story that even i have a hard time putting together. How am i supposed to remember anything if i keep having to leave names out and put it all in a hypothetical code? I won't. I'll forget most of it. And will that really be better? At least i will have the mental pictures and small home movie type expiriences that I play over and over in my head. If i live to be 70, I pray that i will be able to remember the things that have happend to me now and i can smile back on them with no regrets. I know i will, just have to make it to 70. "Quiero a un chico. Un chico americano, la mamá." "Chicos americanos hacen sólo rompe el corazón." "Quiero a un chico americano, el papá." "Chicos americanos, ellos hacen sólo rompe el corazón." "Quiero a un chico americano, la hermana." "Chicos americanos hacen sólo rompe el corazón." "Yo le quiero chico americano." "Te quiero, yo nunca romperé el corazón." ¿Cree usted que las personas que son suponen saberle el mejor, o le hace escucha el corazón? That sounds better in spanish than it does in english, trust me. So tonight was another adventure to steak n' shake. We go there an awfull lot. I deserve a name badge. I should just be able to bus my own table and not pay for my coffee. Next time i should just bring in my own cup and pour some coffee. Sit down and not ask for anything. See if they notice. Well now my back is in excruciating pain and ... yea.. ow. So I think this is where i am gonna leave you for tonight. I'll try and work on that writing what i actually mean to say thing. Let everyone else go to hell. That will never happen. Who is your favorite fictional character? God. OOoooh. that kurt, he's prolly going to hell. But if go is like i think he is, he'll just think that's hilarious and save him a seat watching all the priests work their asses off. I should have gone home with ian.

jusT loOk at thoSe COsmic sTars won'T You?

I am up. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking and it sucks. My back hurts like a mother and so does my head. I can't lay down. I tried. Something about the bed tonight just doesn't bring me peace. So, it was yet another 6th yesterday. Seven months now. It's painful to think about. And the time of... i need a moment. 10:42. Damn i hate even numbers. There is so much i want to say, and i just don't have the strength to say them. I left the little circle at ians house and layed in the grass and watched the stars for a moment. Alone. I needed that. Then people came over and just layed down around me. I needed that too. This is the first 6th i have been around people. Maybe this means the wounds are starting to heal and i might actually be cured one day. But right now, i doubt it. The stars were beautiful tonight. Really. Scott and brandon are impressing on me that i haven't seen stars until i go to frankfort. I agree. I will just have to go with them once before school starts again. On a somewhat lighter note, I really talked to scotty today. I understand him so much better. I can't tell you why, I just do. And as I talk to him now, he really is one of the most amazing and smart people i have ever met. I hate how i am meeting all of these amazing people and they are all graduated and leaving me in about a month. I will miss them all terribly and i know i will visit. But, it still doesn't make up for the fact they won't be around... I know there is more to talk about and positively happier things, i just... it's been a night. A good night, but a night none the less. It feels like a lot has happend. I don't know, but a lot. *sigh* I guess i'll just have to try that sleep thing again. I just wish my mind owuld stop racing. I guess i can thank you scotty for putting most of my fears right out there. I understand myself better now. I'm not sure where i'm going, but i know i have good friends there by me all of the way.

HaPpy bEinG WrONG

It's nice to know that you were more thatn welcome to go somewhere and have a good time, but it also sucks that people don't have your phone number and can't invite you. I was a little pissed, no not pissed just adjecitve, when I found out hence the posting of the phone number. And I guess for further contact info Gitarfreak07 is the sn. A stupid name perhaps, but it was a long time ago and it's just a name. Yesterday which I thought might be a craptastic day ended up being surprisingly good. I mean sundays in Granger generally suck a lot anyway because everything closes so damn early. I guess suburia hell is too holy to stay away past nine. If you can't tell I have a lot of contempt for this town lately. Anyway, Whit wants to do something and she gives me Ian and Dan's numbers. She didn't even say anything she just asked me if i wanted to do something and then gave me their numbers and got off the phone. I didn't know that was the thing to do after inviting someone somewhere we didn't even discuss. So she came over and I called. Ian was home and doesn't know where I live and Dan wasn't home but does know where I live even though I'm sure that's completely irrelevant but a fact nonetheless. So we went to Ian's and didn't go putt putt but to pizza king instead. Dan was working to no one's surprise. I don't remember him mentioning it the day I came to see him but, eh. So Whit got bread sticks and I got a coke and Ian got the sheapest thing on the menu. No, not extra toppings, the Garlic toast. It looked... not good really, but i had a breadstick and whitney had big hips. Then Dan talked to us for a minute or two and Ian paid for our food. Pizza King does not take American Express, commie bastards. Low Bob's was closed, no cigarettes for ian and until i saw the building I forgot to mention that Bella Vita's is completely closed on sundays... to the Dairy Queen! And I got a hot fudge sunday and extra hot fudge costs 10 cents. Who'd a thunk? I said hi to Court and Lauren who just stayed in the back... it hit me later as to why. We went outside and ate our ice cream in peace. It was a nice little stay. So with nothing left to do, we went to Dan's house to wait for him to get off work at 8:00 8:15 at the latest. I met Sgt. Foxtrot and watch him rise to great heights, literally. And had him fly at me once too. That crazy orange spider only gets crazier when not a professional is in control aka Ian. Whit had to leave and eat dinner so I hung out there with Ian and Suzie. We waited until about 8:30 with no dan. So Lafree came over and she drove us over to the pizza king to see what the hell was keeping dan. This was the first time that I have ever driven in a convertible. Yes ladies and gents I was a convertible virgin and am not one anymore. The ones responsible for this or i guess the person is Kristi Lafree. But not to be forgotten as to those who were also present, Suzie Stevenson and Ian Dill. Couldn't have done it without you! I felt like a complete bum after being dropped off once again in another location. I was just pawned off from one ride to the next that night. But dan, yea he wasn't there. I have no idea how we lost him so, whit called as we arrived. She said she would come and get us. They chain the barstools at night outside because someone will steal them? In granger? oh well, I just sat in a very uncomfortable position and stuck with it. That was until we realized that the chairs didn't get chained. After deciding that whether we walked back to ians house or my house it would be the same distance whitney showed up and we headed to dan's house. When we got to his house and found once more a missing stevenson, he called her cell phone and had gone to michigan thinking that me and ian had gone with suz and lafree to T-bell. So we went to Michigan and Dan called back John Cotton. He was drinking and ahoy we were off to the casa del cotton. Exreme Spanish!!! Whiitney no supo donde Cotton vivió a fueron forzados a seguir dan. Ella pasó algún coche en una no zona pasajera y nosotros fuimos a parar en la casa de Dan para su guitarra. Etonces dejamos realmente para Cotton's y él vive en algún lugar en knollwood. Casa agradable. Había alguna chica "bebida" realmente molesta que finalmente dejó. Entonces Jen y John empezaron a mirar se Casó Apenas. Fui al cuarto de baño y cuando regresé nosotros dejamos. Un busto. Ian went with Whitney and I went with Dan and I don't know what happend to them but me and Dan ended up at Steak n' Shake even though we made a good effort to try somewhere else. But honestly nothing else was there. Denny's no. Nick's reasons no. Steak n' Shake only good times come out of that place. Why not? So we arrive there at the usual time about 11:30 and we stayed until anout 3:00. It was good conversation which is highly overlooked these days. More people need to understand how to properly have a conversation. Some simple ground rules: 1. nothing is taboo to discuss, nothing. 2. it should last at least 2 hours 2 and a half is a lot better though you know for a minimum. 3 Both should have someone else's insight on an issue even if it matched their own. 4. Talking is cool. Fuck the man as John would say in his song the Trapeeze Swinger so just get talking. You acan totally learn so freaking much that way. I ended up finishing the day around 4:00. It was worth it. One hell of a day for thinking nothing would come of it. I figured i would come home after work and just fall asleep like always. Totally wrong and I have never been so happy to be wrong. Today I was called off of work. Too many people scheduled. So Isat on my ass today. Courtney called and we talked for an hour and half or so just catching up. She thinks the same as me on a few things, but others we could not be more opposed. She needs to open her mind. Buit she invited me to a cookout or something with adults and I didn't feel like it. I fell asleep, waiting for a better offer or something. I had just arranged some kind of i have no idea but there were people there yesterday so I just assumed someone else would take the initiative today. Even though not really a lot of my friends were there yesterday. I guess I should have prolly made more of an effort. Oh well, that was well deserved lying in my bed attempting to fall asleep. Night all. I will sit here for a few more hours but I just can't type about the boringness of my life anymore. So to all of you out there in blogland,.... hmmm (think of something clever... something clever....) oh well. Just stay happy and don't let that shity granger life get you down. Happy Fourth of July, bollocks. ( I'm pretty sure I had something very big to bitch about but I was going to hold off until later in the post and now I have forgotten it altogether. You are all very lucky. Thank your stars.)

gRanGEr, in... loNeLiesT pLAce iN tHE woRLd

well, I am back from a night of galavanting about. Well.. kind of. I had to work today. That was okay. I almost left early, but I let Cristina go. I never go, but I thought about it... What exactly would I do? I had no plans except to hit up the pizza king where dan was supposed to play a little before elvis. Well that was tonite. But before I delve into that, lets go back to oh say... thursday.... Thursday I had the whole thing off and Lauren wnever called. Never. So, then me and brandon and dan went to steak n' shake. We had Jamie again and things were back to normal. My god that was a good time. Things were even more hilarious if that is even possible. Just the wacked up things that those kids come up with. And they accuse me of being high? hehe. But that was our longest stay except i think for the original time when me and brandon went. I was worried that it wouldn't be as much fun, but it was. A pleasant surprise indeed. So I came home and got online for awhile messed around a little and then went to bed at 4:34 am. I watched the sun start to rise and fell fast asleep. I woke up around eleven the next day, took a shower and went to work. It was a very very very (did i say very?) long day at work. I don'[t know why but it sucked. And then I got home..... To say the least things happend and I was late to Whitneys house who was taking me to the silverhawks game. I think her dad was very upset and I felt bad, but i couldn't help being late. And worse it was almost a half an hour... ugh. So we went ate a little supper and me and whit kinda hung out the entire time. We had some good conversations and I had a few revelations, she had a few cookies and we both laughed our asses off. No matter what, whenever i am with whitney, we laugh. Because i make her laugh and then i laugh cause she is laughing, I don't know, but it's always the most fun that way isn't it? Yes, yes it is. So I watched the game, we won, woo, who cares fire works was the only reason i came. Now I have been thinking about this, why does South Bend ever have a baseball team? Do we ever root for them? Do you hear about die hard Silver Hawks fans? Hell no. I think it is one big waste of money and can't believe that these people get paid to suck. But then again so does Trent Yeoman so I guess.. why not? Besides that I went home and fell fast asleep. So today I went to work like I said before. Iwas thinking about going to dan's thing and called whit. She said she would call me when she was on her way, but I decided I wanted to leave my house. I couldn't stay here anymore. It seems like my family is way to happy to see me all the time. I know that I an oodles cooler these days, but i don't like the way they are acting. They just want to talk to me all the time. My mom says I am never home anymore. I wonder why? I have an f-ing job! I work all the time and when I am not working I am making the best effort I can to see my lovely friends who are off and about enjoying their lives. So I just can't stand being around the house too much. I grabbed my copy of the Great Gatsby and ran away. I sat at pizza king for a while eating my breadsticks and cheese and sipping my coke when dan sits down. Didn't get to play tonite. Pity. So, I ate for a while talked to him until he had to go back to the kitchen and made an effort to stay until whit got there. I sat alone and I felt like a loser. So, I left. Paid the bill after another 30 minutes and when down the road to DQ. You know, to see my other friends who were working. Court, Lauren and Greg were working. Doug was there too... big surprise. I talked to him a little (very little) and sat down. It is very hard these days to make conversation with him. Doug that is. It's painful, almost like talking to an ex-boyfriend only .... (shiver) that thought disgusts me beyond... (shiver) just ew. But I can't talk to him. I saw his little borther Joey. I miss joey a lot. He was a cool kid and when I was talking to Lauren at the register, he came up next to me and I put my arm around him and he put his arm around me and said "Long time since I saw you last..." He is the only one in that little circle (Lauren, Doug, Doug's Family) that I can still talk to comfortably. And keep in mind he will be going into the fourth grade. I know he knows things aren't right between me and his brother and they never will be, but Joey will always be the coolest kid in that family in my book. So at the DQ i got a sundae. Yes, more food. Then Whit called and she came and sat with me for about an hour. Greg kept coming by and talking to us and Lauren stopped in and out as she could I mean she was at work. When Whit left I sat by myself for a while and read some more. It was a nice little place to read. Lauren came by only once more and we didn't speak... Things between me and her aren't right either I guess. It is just hard to get a conversation with her. I don't know what to say. It is painful. And for the first time tonight I realized that our friendship is fairly gone. I can't tell her the things I used to with even half the enthusiasim. She has missed so much of my life and there are so many thoughts of mine she should already know to understand me and she doesn't. She is so far behind and I don't even have the will to catch her up. I can't even look at her. There is so much to say... too much to say. I wouldn't know where to start. And I don't know what to do. Sitting alone I realized that Granger is the lonliest place in the world. I couldn't find one friend to spend the evening with. All of my friends have to work on a saturday night, or already have plans, or boyfriends, or girlfriends. I need to find something to do. Where did all those friends go? What happend to those people I was talking to? Alright call me. I know you have the ability. We'll do something. If you are smart enough to decode it, then you get it. And can then harass me all that you want. Just make sure it is fun some of the time. 514-8814