WaKe up, iT's TimE. NEed tO fiNd a BeTtER PLacE tO HiDE. BaBy tHiS tiMe, i HoPE i GeT tO SaY gOoDbyE.

I am tired of love.
Not just the pursuit of it, or anything like that, it's really the whole thing. I am tired of the way that it is idealized. I am tired of the way that everything seems to work out in movies and on television. That isn't the way that love is, that isn't the way that life is... And then again maybe it is...
We can now watch entire series, seasons, or at least long blocks of shows in one sitting. The thing that i think we all seem to forget rather quickly is that shows don't run in real time. It doesn't show all the times that character goes to the bathroom, sleeps, or just sits in a room, alone contemplating on the way the rest of the world chooses to behave. Everything that happens to those imaginary people happens in real time, and is just condensed to fit into that half an hour block. That twenty minutes of time that broadcasting companies allow them to tell their story...
Today was one of those days that was ridiculously beautiful. I was just walking back from lunch and i just wanted to keep walking. I want to walk all over the country and just never stop. It was that beautiful, that peaceful, that kind of day. And maybe it was then that i realized i would do anything to just call my significant other, tell them to come outside and go on a walk with me, because the kind of person that i would someday date would love taking endless walks with me, especially on days like today. I just wanted to walk with someone. I don't know that i would have cared very much for conversation, just the company. The understanding and knowing that they love this day just as much as i do. Just knowing, there is no place that they would rather be. I just know because that's how i'd feel.
I have been watching scrubs almost non stop for the past couple days. It's just the thing that plays in the background when i live in my little room, with no roomate. Keeps me company and makes me think that i'm not completely alone. And, scrubs, i am JD. I don't know what i want, i have always been seeking the approval of others, i am overly sensitive, i sabatoge relationships on purpose, and i always want what i can't have. Then, when i actually get it, i don't want it anymore.
There is this one really good moment in "My Fault" an episode in the third season, also the third time that elliot and JD have "finally" gotten together. Elliot comes over and sits with JD on the couch. She looks at him and tells him "Well, you have me, you finally have me" and she kisses him, and immediately he realizes, in that kiss "Oh My God, I don't want her!" I have had that exact thought run through my head. Almost, phrase for phrase, and i don't know that i had seen that scrubs moment prior to this actually happening to me.
It's something that i didn't want to admit, because, just like what happened in scrubs, it ruins the friendship. Although, i don't think i've ever let that fully out there until just now. It was a mistake, and that was all that i could take away from it. I didn't want it to be a mistake because i had coveted it for so long, but, damn... damn.
So, if we want to be techincal about my life, it's following just in step with the outline of scrubs, at least with my love life and JD's. Right now i am in my third season of life. Mackenzie and Paul are my Turk and Carla. My Elliot is perhaps gone forever... funny how we can't be friends... My Dr. Cox is gone, off with his Jordan and hasn't spoken to me in about a month. And it makes sense this is my third season. Had my pilot run right before my junior year. Then got my full run in my junior year. Then got my 2nd season in senior year, and here we are freshman year again, mid 3rd season... I'll have to keep watching scrubs to see what happens to me next. It's nice to know that when i graduate college, so ends the series. Hopefully by then, i'll have that kind of resolve...

aNd the GrASs iT wAs a TiCkinG, anD thE SuN wAs ON tHe RiSe, i NeVer FeLt So WiCKed aS wHEN i WiLLeD ouR LoVe to DiE

I can't stop thinking about a conversation that i had about a million years ago... It was one dealing with chemistry of the human mind. In this discussion, scott brought about the point that we are constantly changing and that all change in us is chemical reactions in our brain. That's all that love is, a chemical reaction in our brain that makes us believe that the person we are with, is the one, the love of our life. And that can change. My counter point included the fact that we are all basically, chemically, the same person. We can change connections in our brain i guess with drugs... but we still stay chemically similar. So when we fall in love with someone, we will always be in love with that person. Our chemicals will always react with one another and there will be this uncontrollable feeling that this person is a part of us, something that we long for, a feeling of home...
I think that i agreed that long ago, i was right. Now, i don't quite know. I think it might be true. I got Brandon to believe me. He even had a whole post involving Lauren with this idea. If this is true, then i still have feelings for Ian, Dan, and of course Scott. Hmm...
Then my hypothosis is true. I don't know how i would ever be able to test this theory, i honestly don't think that i ever could... But, when i read my old posts, I long to call ian, to write him a facebook comment and make sure that he is okay. I want to tell him that i care what happens to him, that i still believe in him, whatever he is doing, i hope that he is happy...
When you care about a person i don't think that is a tie that you can ever fully sever. We do what we have to to survive, that i think is completely true. But some piece of us, usually the most naive and adolescent part of us can never let go. It's the same way that we can never hate our parents for the choices that they have made in their lives. We remember them as the protectors. We remember the good and do our best to forget all of the hateful parts. If i look at all of my journal, as i have been in parts this past week in my free time, i am touched. These men, they were my heros, and i desperately loved all of them. It's important that i tell you this now, there is a definite distinction between now, and then. It's not the same, but I do like to see what i wrote, and realize, yes, that is unconditional love.
Time changes things, as we all know, but now, i believe that a small piece of us will always remain. Some small piece of them, will always be my hero, my heart, and i will always love them... Just the same as there will always be a small piece of me that is the wallflower, the quiet and pure girl that they fell in love with.
It's hard not to get angry, and have fights when there is still so much fight left in us. I don't want to hurt them, and if they truly want to hurt me, i wouldn't understand why... but maybe we fight eachother because we don't know how to fight for the cause anymore. We have lost the way towards eachother because we have changed so much. I don't know. I don't have time to speculate on it anymore... Someday i believe that our paths will cross again, if it is meant to be. And with connections like the ones we had made, the way that our brains chemicals respond to one another, i believe it only a matter of time before the reaction happens...

EvEryBoDy KnOWs iT sUCKs to GRow Up. AnD EverYBodY doEs.

So weird to be back here. And the years go on and we're still fighting it and you're so much like me... I'm sorry.
There is a whole new meaning in that song for me.
As i was sitting in the car with David one of our many days together during break we discussed our live and where we think we're going to be. We talked about how it's weird to come back to the SB and there are moments when we want to leave so badly, just go back to college cause we are tired of home life. Then by the end of break somehow, we don't want to go back. Not necessarily that we want to stay in the SB. David made a plan that we should run away to London or something for a few weeks. You know, prolong the inevitability that we are becoming the people that we are going to be for the rest of our lives. Now is the time that we will make the connections that supposedly last the rest of our life times. It's a scary thought. Everytime you graduate from a school there is another school that you are preparing for. You get kind of in a pattern of working hard enough to make it to the next level. It's like playing a video game, only... it's your life. And now, after getting used to that, it doesn't exist anymore. After this school, it's life. Bills, loans, children?, marriage?, living on my own. Most likely, all alone. Scary.
It's nice to be where i am. I like my schedule this semester. It leaves me a lot of time to study and be a little geeky, a little neater, have a little more fun.
The dorm room doesn't look the same to me for some reason. It feels a little more homey than it did last semester. I would look around and see a place that held all my shit and was a place that i was isolated. I spent many weekends in here. Doing? Nothing. And that upsets me. Although i will say that i was sick, and then there was the finger cutting thing. But with no personal tragedy this semester, it feels like a nice place of reflection. I feel like i have finally connected with something that is here. I see people i recognize on campus and we say hello, catch up a little, it's just a place i feel like i can belong now.
I like looking at the things i have written only a few weeks ago and how they seem like a few years ago. My feelings towards all of my friends and truths that i have been hiding, because saying them gives them validation. Because somehow things i have said in the past seem to be used against me, and i don't understand why. Perhaps because i am so positive and then i am so negative. My other friends who seem to get in verbal battles with me are A. always negative and rarely show signs of positivity so it's hard to say they have ever really contradicted themselves. They keep themselves firmly planted in the idea that nothing is ever going to work, and surprisingly they never do... (self-sabatoge to prove a point). or B. They are very slippery by saying they are wrong, and somehow find a way to make you feel bad about it, or doubt very much that you were ever right at all, and i lose (forked-tounge deabate to keep "friend" grounded in reality).
I said that scott and i would always be friends. True/False. In my mind, back in the summer of 2005-Spring 2006 we were friends. That perhaps being one of the most vivid times in my memory. It's so hard to let go of a huge piece of you like that and deny that those things ever happend and that they do not have a profound affect on the way that i live my current life. It's hard to love someone so much, unconditionally, and then find that they are not the person that you love anymore. Because, hard truth, people grown up and people change. Maybe he didn't grow up, doesn't feel like it, but i did. And i changed. And he changed to me. And true i feel that he is a little more cynical, perhaps feels like the world has been particularly unfair to him. I blame this on the loss of the purdue education, the working at 7-eleven, maybe even the fall out with ian. As Ben Folds would say you were not the same after that. But none of that really matters now does it? For all purposes, we are not friends anymore and nor will we ever be again. I am particularly bitter about saying that because it means that i was wrong. But i can handle being wrong. What i can't handle is the fact that he has the uncanny ability to bring me down from whatever cloud i might be living on at the time. I can't relate to him like i did because i can't see the commonalities that we had clearly anymore. I feel in some way that i am ripping a piece of my heart off. It hurts, but it will heal. And i will say this once more, for the record, we were friends me and scott. Our relationship was not based on the fact that at one time we had reciprocated crushes on one another. What happend to our friendship was the product of time, distance, and change.
Another hard truth to come to terms with, I am not friends with Brandon in the way that we used to be. I would have a hard time calling him my friend at all. I realize now, after all of my life, that he has created the doubt in me, when i was happy, when i was sorting through what i wanted from life, he questioned my motives. Above all, that is the whole problem, he questions all of my motives, when i know what most of them are. I say i don't know, but believe me, i am positive. I feel like a huge psychology project to him. He analyzes me and predicts my behavior in various situations. He is not my psychologist, and i don't think that his behavior speak much towards being a friend either. He is so involved in titzar and in scott's life, and in dan? I wouldn't know as i didn't see him except once over break. I call brandon to catch up on what others are doin in their lives because it saves me time, but that's just not right. But i never ask him what's up in his life, it's not ever really much. And it's not like i'm there for any of it anyway. I don't know if I can really trust what I tell him anymore either. And this is not the first time that i have had that suspect feeling that what i tell him has never been in confidence. He likes to gossip. He revels in the fact that people come to him for their problems and that he has all the truth. If there was one person that could really write a book about all the interactions that me, scott, dan, and brandon had it would be him. We tell him all of our feelings, all of our doubt. He is very careful to reveal just the right information to the right party to get his desired result because he has that power. I can't trust anything that tell him will not directly or at the very least inadvertently relayed to someone else that i just did not want to know. Is it so hard to understand that if i wanted that individual to know i would have simply told them myself? I had found that i did not like being the one who passed information because somehow it WILL come back to bite you in the ass. This is why i am amazed that whenever Brandon gets caught he never gets hurt. I always have ended up forgiving him. But my forgiveness has it's limits, and that limit has been reached. This is a very non hostile realization. More than anything it is just an exhausted one. I have to be done. And that hurts, to see someone that i called all the time, spent most of my free moments with, spent such beautiful moments with on beaches, preserved so wonderfully in my mind, is gone. And that is the truth. Things end.
"Its not the other person's responsibility to make you love them, you have to take it on yourself. so they have inperfections. So What? So you thought you were in love once, or you think you are now, or you "know" you are now, or you don't think you ever have been, or your scared of admitting it. Whatever it is, its a choice that you make for yourself. You can dream it, or you can reject it, but either way you have made a choice." ~George Dill. I'd just like to throw that in there because i believe that it is so elegantly worded. And perhaps it is all too true. We have all made the choice. I know i have made mine.
I don't get many things right the first time, in fact i am told that a lot. But i think that i finally know what it is, what my life is and what the people in it mean, where they fit. It's time to place these people back on the shelf, they may collect some dust. Still, they will be beautiful memories that I hope to pour over when i am old. But in my life, they just don't fit anymore. What they are now is not what they used to be. I am not what they used to know. We are variable strangers to one another. Some fading pieces around the edges hint at the charismatic creatures that used to reside within. Lingering sadness of the void that seems unfillable shall remain for a while, but we are all stronger people than to have that consume us. It's time to shut the door, turn out the lights, smile, and walk away.

So ThiS iS tHe NeW YeAR anD i HaVe No REsoLutiOnS FoR SeLF aSsigNed pEnNAnCe FoR PRoBLems wiTh EasY sOLutiOns

Happy new year everyone. This is just another date to add to all of my others. I have had this thing for so long. I can look back and see just how much i have grown. And that my friends is a lot.
It is also remarkable in the way that i am able to sit there, spin my wheels, or end up just going in a big circle. I have done the same things over and over, not learned my lesson and am surprised when i recieve the same results. I'm not saying that i am going to change and this is a new chelsea. But i am smarter now, and i am trying. I guess that really just translates to me being more cynical. But, only about the people i know, if that makes any sense to anyone out there.
I don't expect anything amazing from most of the people that i know. I have made no judgements what-so-ever on the rest of the human race. I always will believe the best in people, but some, i have found is just a lost hope and i am honestly just frustrated and tired of it all.
I want to be free. To some you may not know what that understands, to others you may be able to play at guesses, but i think you're wrong no matter what you try and deduce. I am the only one who knows and who may ever know.
I just want to be free of it all.
There's so much that i want out of the world. How do i narrow that down to the things that i need and the things that i can actually get.
There's so much more that i want to say. I feel like a burden has been lifted since i left the SB but i am also filled with a great sadness. I miss my home and i did not want to go. What everyone told me was a lie. That this place i would come back to would feel similar and good but it would never be home again. It is home. It will always be my first home. I was talking to men when we talked about college and they want to grow up and start their own home. I nest. I miss my home. I'm better now, but i will prolly cry this week just to let it all out and start to get in the swing of things.
Silly. But fuck off.
This is my life. For better or worse.