CaN yoU sEE thE ORaNgE?

I like how recently everyone has embraced the idea of their xanga. It makes my life a lot easier when trying to find out what is going on with my friends and how completely random some of them are. I found a couple of girls who went to college and now hae correspondence with them! It makes me smile inside to know that their college expirience is going well, despite the ups and downs. That is the most important thing, just being happy.

I did get my hair cut and i do love it. And i do love that i dyded the entire thing. I needed a drastic change. Something about long brown hair just says sad little girl to me. Short and cherrycoke says mmm she is havin some fun. I even felt better at work last night. I don't know, my mood has been changed by my hair? Yes, i guess that is the best way to put it.

I couldn't decide what i was going to be at Alix's halloween party that is tonight. I didn't even know if i was going to go, honestly wasn't going to make that much of an effort. But she called me a few minutes ago and got me really hyped for it! I can't wait! And i think i might go as an ancient greek. I always wanted to wear a toga..... but then again i have this sweet leather jacket and all of this gel... i could go punk. I mean it is halloween right? When would i have another chance like this? I don't know... we'll just have to see what kind of mood i'm in tonight.

You know, i have to go to work today and i am not dreading at all. What would i do if i didn't have work? Heids and David went to cedar point for her birthday and she said she would invite me if there was anymore room in the car, but that was okay. I am happy that i will get to hear some pretty funny stories when she comes back. I guess i will just do some homework until it is almost time to go to work. Before i definately need to buy cell minutes seeing as how i was cut off earlier. And, hmmm i could really use one last nap, perhaps where i can do it in the buff and under warm artificial sunshine. Sounds like the perfect afternoon.

Oh, something about death cab for cutie right now, i just can't listen to them. weird i know. Well i mean it's not even all their songs that i have trouble listening to it's just two, Transatlantacism and Tiny Vessels. Probably because i couldn't stop listening to them no less than a week ago. But in general Ben Gibbards voice is just not soothing me anymore. I think we need a hearty break, just like the trapeze swinger break of '05. It was difficult, but we are gonna work through this. (Note that the postal service does not rub me the wrong way at all and it is the same voice. WTF?)

Something amazing related to music on the other hand, I made a new sleeping playlist to play whenever i am sleepin (go figure right?) and at the same point i fall asleep. It has first she went to russia by Dan Stevenson, then Strage and Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You) by Agualung, then Play Crack the Sky by Brand New. That is when i fall asleep everytime. And my play list is very random so that song plays five times in a row and then Aqualung plays again. I am always fast asleep and i can't hear anything. Then all of a sudden i open my eyes and i can hear the sound rush back in. I am literally deaf for a few minutes and then i hear Aqualung. There is most definately something about Play Crack the Sky that i can't put my finger on, but it has an effect over me. Wicked.

I remember when i was little that i used to watch Bugs Bunny religiously. I was in love with him and may have even said that i would marry him if he asked me. He used to give me such joy and i can't think of a thing that has replaced him. And i can't think of any other imaginary character that i was devoted to enough to even think marriage. And i worry that little william will never know of Bugs Bunny. This means i am just going to have to make Dvds of him.

Last night i snuck up to camp with heidi! we went past the entire black camp and she told me the gruesome death of one of the campers there and we took tunrs and blinding fast speeds. 30 m.p.h. which is totally 10 over the speed limit recomended.. hehe. When we got there the gate was up so we parked outside and as we got situated, my light fades when the car is off, so it fades and it gets completely dark and we both just scream. Hehe. We get out and walk around the camp and it seems like a very nice place. I couldn't get over how dark it was. we went out to birch lake and it was so beautiful not to mention the stars over head. Definately saw the milky way and heidi saw a shooting star! I couldn't get over how many you could see. Whew! Then we went back to the car and drove home.

I have decided that next weekend i am either going to go down to purdue or i am going to the north. This all depends on whether ben wants meagen down there and we can work something out. I would love to see Purdue for more than just three hours. But on the off chance that things just won't work for that, me and heidi and even posisbly david will be going up to michigan to go camping. I wouldn love it if it was just me and heids and i would really love it if it was me heids and david. Either way, it will be friggin fun, just like i am sure purdue would be. I can't go wrong. We just have to see how this weekend goes. The only thing that i would be a little aprehensive about is if i have to work late on saturday, then i went camping, i would be driving in the dark and we wouldn't get there until like two or later... geez. Oh well, i am gonna be buzzed on sugar and laughter! Ha!

I was told by my english teacher to look for the orange and there is a really good story to go along with that. He was a the metropolitan museum of art and he was looking at Jackson Pollock paitings and he really wanted to feel smart and learn what they meant so he went around and couldn't figure any of them out. He over heard people talking and the one in the first room said his work was about the world after the wars and how everyone was so split and the world was in chaos. The person in the second room said it was the torment of his alcohol addiction on the canvas and the one in the third room more said it was his sexual torment. He ran away and in the fourth room there was this family admiring the pictures and they had a five year lod boy that was spinning around in the middle of the room. His name was Hiram or something like that, and he yelled "Mommy! There is the same orange in all of these paintings!" My teacher, after the family left, spun around and sure enough there was the same orange in all of the paitings and he went to all the other rooms and in one way or another, there was this same orange. So even in all of these jumble of words and completely unrelated subjects you have to see the one thing that runs throughout, the subconcious message if you will. Can you see the orange? I can't make it amymore obvious! Hehe!

sOme TimEs, tHe tHiNG yOu WaNT fiRsT neVeR comES...

i'll put a spell on you, and when i wake you, i'll be the first thing you see. And you'll realize that you want me...

Fairly self explanatory. People want what they want and there is no way around it. It's something you just have to realize as you get older. You don't get what you want. And when i say you, do i really mean all of you? No, not really. It's everyone around you that will get what they want and you will be left with an open hand saying "what the fuck". Everyone has that bit of dreamer in them however, and how wonderful it would be if we could just put a spell on them and they would fall asleep and the first thing they see is you and then they automatically love you. Alas, these fairy tale buisnesses, they do not amount to anything in the slightest. Best just leave them alone to stew about themselves.

Today, we had this big reading thing in Seminar. We first, or course, did a journal entry and it was about a time in our lives that we did not act. Something we wanted to do and we held back and why we think that we did. I didn't think that i wrote anything spectacular although the words did kind of just flow from me. I felt quesy as i first wrote and became more and more strong as the piece went on. Then when we came to large group, we were supposed to dicuss these pieces. Mmmmm, no. Alix was talking about how she really liked what she did and i said i would let her read mine if i could read hers. Childish, i know, but we trade and hers was alright. No better than mine, no worse but she turned a little pink and said "Wow, that was good. I wouldn't have let you read mine if i had known that." I still don't understand. Then again, when did i ever. I suppose it would be a good thing that i have more missed opportunities... But in that large group we read something, i think it was by hemmingway. I am not sure, one of the modern writers. And it was all about aprehensiveness. The missed, the waiting because we always believe there is time, ect. I just, it made me a little cold and made me love my class at the same time. No matter who it was, we all have that story of wanting to do something, make a move, say the important, and we don't. I am not alone.

Today i definately ate dinner with heidi and i missed talking to her. We have the most important conversations and it's completely equal. First thing we went over was how unimportant the idea of premarital sex was. I don't care if she has sex before she gets married as she doesn't care with me. It's just something that we feel will happen. It's just one of those things. I am not gonna run out and find a guy to bang, but i understand that someday i will meet someone and have sex with them, it will of course mean something, but that mean doesn't have to be marriage. Are we sluts? No, just realists. That and also my relationships with my guys friends, namly Dan, Scott, Brandon, and Ian. She said something that just made me feel good to be me. " You would never be friends with jerks, you surround yourself with thoughtful intelligent people. That's what makes it so hard." She always knew me better than i knew myself. Thank god.

I was able at this moment to step outside of myself and look in. I rarely get this opportunity and i take full advantage. We talked about what the unconcious was and i have a lot of that although it is certainly becoming more of a concious. I now have to beat back the thoughts and it really isnt a mystery to me anymore. So i will have a couple of moments of honesty and this isn't made to make anyone feel bad or get people pissed off, even though, it prolly will. I'll adress that later though. So first of all, i really hate the way that brandon convinces me that i am not as good as friends with scott and dan. It very well may true, in fact, prolly is, but i don't need that thought bashed into my skull all the time. When i hear the same story of how scott said something to him about breaking his bounds as to how good a human being is and brandon raising the bar of respect, i honestly let it get to me. He always brings up the fact that he has known dan for, oh what twelve years or some other ridiculous amount of time. That is jealousy. Plain and simple, and please people, don't tell me to not be jealous, at least i am able to realize this stuff. Let the statements fall where they may. Hmmm.. that and the fact that i am not allowed to know who laurie and gwendolyn are. I would really like a face or a tone of voice or something to match the stories i have heard. I also wonder if they even know that i exist. That's just curiosity. And i don't even know that i want to meet them. That might be really cool. I know that i never will. Even the idea would be cool. I am going to have to work on this unconcious life of mine. I encourage others to do the same.

What is it wednesday? Man the week went so friggin fast and now i don't have school until monday. That really does make me pleased. And i know myself now that i get really paranoid and very lonely when scott goes back down to purdue. This time it was not intensified because we had a bad parting but intesified because i was also saying goodbye to ian. And for the first two days, i felt like shit and little things kept flickering my memory and i was a mess. Not crying terrible mess or anything as such, i was just so memorable and could focus on anything. The mind does tend to wander, conversations, life and the like. Terrible thing emotion, it can rip people to shreds, you know? I am sure you have ripped by emotions. I am getting over it now. It always takes about two three days. Good thing i didn't say anything to anyone, that could have been disasterous. Go figure, something good happend when i kept my mouth shut, no regret.

Now on and on i go. I feel very free and not bad today. I like the thought of alix being able to trust me with anything and the fact that she thinks we have become such good friends makes me believe it. I really want to and i do. I need more friends like that. We can talk about anything and have completely separate lives and trust whatever the other says. I need more relationships with guys that are like that. I mean i have david, but no one else. I am seriously starting to buy into that whole, men and women can't be friends because one always wants to bang the other. It just doesn't work. I'll put in a little more effort, but i don't know how long i can last.

Dan, i hope that you are doing okay. A million hugs go out all over the world and if i had friends who were older and went to IU i would make them give you hugs whenever they saw you on campus, i still haven't been able to do it yet though, DAMN! Seriously, i have been thinking about this enough, or a lot. And here is what i have come up with, she loves you. Yup, profound i know. If i could see into the future and saw how this played out, i would tell you if you wanted me to, but i can't and i don't know that you would want that anyway. So here is the only piece of information i can give you, be patient. Scott you can take this advice too although you already follow it. Someday you will be loved. I mean you already are, but someday the object of your affection will blindly love you back. How do i know? I fucking do. I do. I do. I jut fucking do. Don't ask a question. You can't question a faith. It's not built on the fact and reasoning that our group of friends so loves to base every conversation we have on. It is faith, the thing that wars are fought for, millions are spent on, and i base my life on. I could be wrong, but so could you. Back to the point at hand dan, i know that you love her, it's evident in you voice and every thing you have written about her. She could be nothing less than beautiful. She'd be a fool not to love you. Alas we live in a world of fools. Perhaps she is not one of them.

One other thing that heidi brought to my attention that makes me understand things fairly well. Or better than i did before anyway. She said that she is attracted to Nave because he is mysterious. She likes the idea of getting to know all about him and find out if he has feelings for her in return which is what the hardest part is. And the mystery is the best thing. And i too am a sucker for mystery. She loves what she has already found out and wants to know more, as much as she can. This too describes me to a T. I can't believe it and then i can at the same time. She is able to describe herself and also me, we are too much alike. Is it ever a wonder that we have fallen for the same guys and they have fallen for both of us in return. Not really.

There is so much that i still want to say. There is so much that i still want to know, but not rerally. I am trying to let go a little bit. You know, bend like a rubber band. You have to stretch to make things work. Friendships and the like. I need to and feel like i am taking one giant step backwards and i need it. Being too close to other people, you bump elbows a lot. They have other friends, i do too. They have problems of their own, so do i. I love them with the same love and affection though the be what hundred and some miles away? But on an everyday life basis, i am not there and they are not here. They need me? You can bet your ass i would be right there. I am not however be on them all the time for attention and shower them with it either. I need to focus on my local ties first. They are here and i can not wait for college, and escaping, but i am not going to run, not yet.

So perhaps the first thing i want never comes. And the last thing i want comes in first. That might be the story of my life. It can't be that bad. I am only human, i can't have the perfect life and i can't get what i want. I have to have perspective and realize even perspective is skewed. I keep the things i need close. I haven't always, but i do now. And the things that i don't want aren't close, they are literally inside of me. All of the hate emotions and other ones that only lead to destructiveness. It's a sad thing, but i feel them. Right about there. And that is why everyone has the unconcious, we have to keep them hidden, it's our sacred duty as humans.

WhAt YoU wAnT, WHaT i NeEd

I don't know how to tell you about these last days. They have been some of the better of my memory. I will of course have to start on thursday thanks to my lovely acompanist heidilidee. Yes that is how you spell her name when you are Chelsea and have known her for seven years.
Thursday was a generally good day. Easy enough at school, sincerely just wanting it to be friday. I wanted to see the guys so badly. So many things that i just can't express, but yes, only thurday....grr. But heidi is in my car and we are waiting for the busses to leave, and i aske her what she is doing. I forgot that she was grounded. So she is like i really wanted to see Elizabeth town though, so, being attracted to the Elf man pimp himself orlando bloom want to go see it too. We ignore the fact that she is grounded, aka she lies to her parents and we go. Alright movie i suppose. Good enough. We hop a median and go home. So we had a ton of fun together and this wasn't the first time. It always seems to happen that way and we agree that if we had the same classes as each other we would have ten times as many friends because we are wicked crazy around eachother. ... damn i love that girl. So i go to bellavita after i drop her off and talk with brandon about the idea of what we need and what we have. The entire simplicity aspect of things and i had a good time shooting him down. Sorry brandon, but you know you had a good time letting me shoot you down. We don't take anything personally, just let it flow.... that was the conclusioon of my thursday i give it a seven.
So friday was the day that wouldn't end. I really really really couldn't wait and was seriously pissed that i had to work. But then, work went amazingly fast, i guess some things just work out for you. So i went home, washed my hair and waited all of ten seconds for someone to call. Damn that was awesome. Always is. So scott and brandon come over and not five minutes later we are joined by ian. It was enjoyable to see them once more. I got the best hello hugs. Brandon and scott rolled around on my grass after scott took a pee on my neighbors house. Oh and after all three of them unzipped their pants and let them fall around their ankles. Very nice. I just wish i would have gotten that picutre..... damn. Always next time. I doubt that will be the last time they drop their drawers. Considering it happend about eleven times after that just in the past day. But, oh damn... i just can't explain it any other way. I just, i love them. I was driving home from work that night and had this weird feeling in my stomach, like i wanted to throw up and i couldn't understand what i was feeling bad about, and i realized, they make me want to throw up, in the best way possible. (smile) I saw my ring. I wore my ring. I held my ring. I stared at my ring for a good fifteen minutes. It has had some practice i feel. I missed my ring, but i couldn't handle it. I just need some time. Anywho. They left around twelve thirty and i went to bed. I got some amazing good bye hugs too. I would have to say best was.... scott's. I haven't flow feet off the ground, since ... i can't even remember. Mmmhmmm. I went to bed.
Had to work on saturday at eight. Went, waited to get off and in all eventuality it came. So i was stoked about that. I wondered what i would do that night and just had a feeling it would be fun, i am always right except when i am wrong. But, after work i called scott's cell phone. No answer, tunred off actually. So i called brandon. Answering machine. What the fuck? Go to the bathroom and brandon calls. Yea, he missed the call. He had been trying to call scott and the phone was off, man, good thing he told me, i had no idea.... So, i talked to him for bout a half an hour and got restless. We were supposed to see our friend joch perform at sufficient grounds at seven so we have a couple of hours to kill. I thought we should wake up scott and brandon agreed. Brandon came and picked me up and we went over there. Scott's mom answered the door and she said "You'll never believe it, but he still isn't awake." We believed it and went in his room and woke his fat ass up. Took a bit of prompting... half an hour later, he finally gets out of bed. Brandon and i decide we have time for dinner seeing as how we are invited and it was great. As soon as we accept dinner, we knew, we weren't going to the grounds. And that was just fine. I had so much fun hanging out and playing frisbee which i suck at. Scott and Brandon fell in a bush and threatend to throw me in as well... never happend. They sat and had a smoke. Then dinner.Bu Here is the thing... i really like Mr. and Mrs. Knevels. They are some of the coolest people i have ever met let alone parents and i can't believe that i had never even known them before. Paul was especially surprised scott had real friends, what can i say... After dinner we help move somethings in the house for his parents and his dad was either really surprised that i could lift the heavy things that only the boys shoul hace or felt bad that he made me (which he didn't). Either way, it was nice to do something nice. I mean they made me dinner and let me try brussel sprouts for the first time ever. Soon after i know i don't want to go home by midnight, means we have to call le parentals and tell them i shall be spending the night. I do and i go pick up my car because i know i will not leave until fairly close to working time the next day. Me and brandon get back and scott and brandon go in the house for their separate reasons. I am left outside talking to Mr. Knevels and he is one of the nicest men ever to walk the face of the planet. He said somethings that i will have to keep to myself, but he made me realize just how fucking fortunate i am. So easy to talk to.. yes. Then they come back outside and paul goes back inside to get fireworks and they set them off. Really fucking cool. I really do like fireworks. Not just the gernal fire thing, fire works. Sooner or later, Paul goes inside and i am left with my great friends. I couldn't and wouldn't have it anyother way. But, discussion progresses, they go pee a couple of times, and destiny rears it's ugly head. It's not that i don't like discussing the thought of destiny and fate and everything, it's just the negative forces that pull. I really do hate that, but am them invigorated by the belief in my self and the faith that i have. And what is that one thing? Does it have a name? Why yes, chad. He is destiny, he is life and he is in the after life. After being connected to him in a way that i have for almost always, it's hard not to believe. So, yea solice, in this case you are a very good thing. MMmm, we almost order a pizza. And don't. Then we try and get up and fall down two times. And laugh. Laugh like kids should. Cause that's all we will be in my mind, a bunch of kids who have no idea how to handle the world, but have a good fucking time trying. And one way or another end up in the house. Shortly after ian calls. And then arrives. Shortly after meagen calls and arrives with company. I realize i have not called heidi and that it is imparative so i relieve myself to the outdoors and talk to her. The rest of the people come out and watch as scott sets off a ... oh goddamn... a kind of flare that i cannot remember at the moment and it has to be the brightest thing i have ever seen. Not only that, but it is fukcing rainging and it still burns. I can see all the raindrops light up and i would have needed a camera to show you how mystical it was, or perhaps you should have just been there. But i took the chance at 1:30 am that my love would still be awake and yay! she is. So i talk to her and realize how much i have neglected to tell her and all of the things we used to do that we very much need to. I need a private place to talk to her and end up in scott's room. Dark, empty, ideal. I talk to her for while longer and we make plans to reveal all on tuesday, i honestly cannot wait. Then Scott comes into his room. Spot. Heidi's phone dies and i try to call back to no avail. I talk to scott for a minute and then he says i can take my time in the room. I end up snuggling up under his masive comforter and staring at the ceiling. He comes in and tells me that the people have left and that master booch and jesus request thine prescence. I go and sit in a chair and we, i don't even know. I fell asleep soon after and woke up a the most random times. Once was because they kept telling me to look and i wouldn't. Apparently they had their hands down their pants in a comical fashion, who would have guessed. I fall asleep once more and wake up singing a song and the thing was i kept repeating the words because i couldn't remember the name of the song or artist. I found out the next morning it was Transatlantacism. I fell asleep mumbling the words.... Next time i wake up it is to damien rice and i see there is a blanket on me that was not there before. Then, I wake up once more and look around, at my phone and tell them that i will be back in forty minutes. I want to have one last nap and it is in scott's bed. That place i so warm and comfortable and i was a little chilly. One cure for that, comforter. So, I set my alarm and fifty minutes later scott comes in and says, forty minutes my ass. Tells me to get out of his bed and i just roll over and watch him clean his room. He sits down on his couch and i close my eyes one last time for the night. I wake up the next day at around seven. I missed scott my an hour i think and brandon by two.
I walk to the computer and think it is scott, but don't say anything and then paul turns around and wishes me a good morning. I go to the chair and he offers me juice. I politely decline and see that scott is on the couch. Paul says that he thinks scott is sleeping in his bed and asked me how cheryl's bed was, i wouldn't know, i slept in scott's bed. Then he said well that means scott slept in cheryl's bed. I look at the couch and see scott asleep right there. I said, naw there's scott and paul says, well that is scott, i thought it was booch. He then goes off somewhere and i am left with a sleeping scott and a photo album. Good time. I lean back and found myself asleep once more and wake up to scott's mom and meagen talking. Meagen came to get her glasses and then she left. I got up and had a cup of coffee talking to scott's mom until everyone woke up. Here's the thing, Scott's mom is really awesome. She knows scott's an asshole, like his knows dad and like the rest of the world. But she loves him and knows that me and booch do too. She told me soo much about him and i just loved talking to her. I told her about myself and she told me about herself and all about being an empty nester. I am going to go over there all the time now. Hate to think there is an empty nest out there with such cool birds hanging about. Then the boys are awake and we eat breakfast. MMmmm. After breakfast we laze about in and out of conciousness for a good two three hours. I honest to god could not stop smiling. Why should i? When i am happy, why should i just sit there with a blank face? And if you have to ask what it was i could have been so happy about, you are fucking nuts. My babes, my buddies, my time, mmm, i was happy. Can you believe that a face can hold for me all the joy in the world. Just looking at peoples faces, not even listening to their voices let alone what they say, it holds joy for me. And knowing what thoes faces me. And what kind of heart lies right underneath. I deserve to be happy those guys and lady make me happy in a most genuine sense. It is time to go and it is lightly hailing outside. I go to put my things in the car and scott and brandon come around the house to say goodbye, i throw my shit in the car along with my keys. *BEEP BEEP* LOCKED SHIT~!!@!@ and that is why i had to find a locksmith at 1:30 on a sunday. And in the midst of all this, when it seems that shit always seems to happen at the wrong time, there was a bright side. I am able to take care of problems on my own. My initial thought was i have to call the rents and brandon will take me to work. Scott says no, not a good idea, we will just take care of this. so i call work tell them i will be late. Scott finds me a locksmith and now one thing lef.t Money. I don't have enough. Brandon cannot get any on a sunday and scott goes and get me the fifty bucks i need. That was the most valiant effort i have recieved from any person in a long time and i am truly greatful to him. And to know that my friends would take care of me when i need them. Brandon stayed and helped and scott help so much. I got the car unlocked and gave them the best hugs goodbye i could muster. So I ran to the bank, for i felt bad that scott gave me so much money and and i know how much he needs it and doesn't have a lot to waste so i drove back as quickly as i could and still had to honk my horn and stop them on the road to give it to him. I even threw in an extra ten dollars. He buys me so much food, i owe him. then there is that whole being a friend buisness and i have to keep up my end of the bargain, pay him or i get the hose again.... something to that effect anyway.
So here i am. And i am happy. So happy. I live for the feeling of being happy. I still worry and i still doubt, but i will not let it sink into my core and destroy me. The only regret that i have is that i was not able to say face to face the one think that i think i needed to. And i will simply have to wait. It won't be long. I would say not even until thanksgiving before i have another opportunity. I love you. All of you and i can't imagine a better life for myself. I may try. But no, i have everything i need not just wanting.

Anna, oh anna. Let me be and Let the memories fLow out of me.

It's the craziest thing. I am listening to Anna Nalick right now. And all of these songs i haven't listened to since, god i can't even remember. Sometime in the summer and then all of a sudden it was just phased out. I was listening to different music and she was gone from the atmoshpere. Now, i listen and there is the small familiarity. Like i am on the verge of conjuring up some powerful memory. I feel all of these emotions that are connected to these songs and i can't quite grasp them. Wanting to cry and not being able to. It's like walking into the fog. I trudge on to hit something and i haven't quite realized that the person i am trying to run into has gotten into their car and driven away, but just maybe they are out there looking for me to. I do so hope that this memory will come to me, will run into me. I guess i'll just have to keep listening.
Don't you simply hate it how you don't realize that something is missing until you find it again. I guess that goes with that whole thing of you never know what you have till it's gone. That's a depressing thought though. *Someday we'll all be old and i'll be so damn beautiful*This girl has a way to describe everything thing about me. Damn! It just keeps playing and you can't understand quite what this means because you just simply aren't quite me.
I think this is something that i have to understand and as much as i say it, i'll never be able to realize it. I want to understand everything. That is just the scholar in me, the natural curiousity that springs from my child like view of the world. I am so logically and so illogical at the same time. I am infact one large contradiction. But i think that everything should be so simple. That if i am able to comprehend others than i will somehow be able to comprehend the rest of the world and myself a little more. But, i can't understand other people. It simply will not be done. It also doesn't help that i have grouped myself with some of the most complex minds of the mid west. Some of the most closed off, interesting, heartbroken, stubborn, beautiful minds. And then again, maybe that can tell me something about myself. I enjoy a struggle. I never like the easy defeat. Call it a challenge. And know when to call it quits.
I seriously have been the happiest this week than i have in a long time. It always seems to work out that way. I have the most messed up weeks. I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I never have that comfortable medium or at least i never realize it until it is gone. Maybe those times in my life just suck because nothing ever happens. People call me on the phone and ask me for details and interesting happenings and there simply aren't any. Why did it become so hard to converse. Damn you anna for scratching at the back of my memory. I seriously want to cry but can't. I am so on the verge. Enough to get that bad feeling, but not able to let it out and get that good after feeling. That rush of relief.
I found out from the doctor that my back pain is a direct trigger of stress. Go fucking figure. I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. The only advice he had for me was to get a psychologist. I won't say that's a bad idea, but i guess i never really took it seriously. I don't want to waste that kind of money that a best freind is for. But, maybe i need that kind of non acusatory person. I guess I'll never know. Or at least not until the day that i get one.
Oh, i did find out something really fucking cool today. Okay, after watching this documentary in seminar about the civil war, I have been obsessed with it. So when brandon borrowed it from the library, i took it to watch it. And as i watched it with my father, he pointed out that the middle name of the General of patomac army was brinton. General George Brinton McClellon. And he said that that was a realtion. He wasn't sure how, but it had to be. So i got online and i look. His mother's name, Elizabeth. Click click. Her father's name, John Hill Brinton. Click click again. And there it is. My entire linneage. I am a distant cousin, but none the less a cirect blood realtion to the one and only McClellon. A most prominant figure. True, the reason that the war continued so long and the reason we almost lost the Civil war, but goddamn. Not only that but i am also realted to Richard Nixon. I didn't know and my dad found it a good time to tell me of my past. I thought i was french. Well, i am. I actually have a ton of relatives there. But my brinton name came from there right? Wrong. My great grandfather went to france for the war and fell in love with a beautiful french woman. A very sun also rises thing. But he actually orginated from over here. And he was a descendant of William Brinton Sr. almost god, nine or ten generations down. And William Brinton Sr. came over from i don't know where yet in 1668. That is a mere 48 years after the original landing of the Mayflower! Holy shit is right. I am one of the originals. If ever i thought i belonged here, it would be this moment. And i am actually one of those bitchy aristocratic snobs. Wow, it feels nice. So two prominant men on just my father's father's side, Nixon and McClellon. It makes me happy. I also found that there is another cousin who just died and worked for Nasa his whole life much like my grandfather did for part of it. And my greatgrandfather worked in the University of Deleware during the depression and was actually a very prominant figure. I do love the idea of hundreds of people out there being my family justwaiting to be found. And did i tell you i have a coat of arms? Check it out. Yay for family.

Something is always happening. And i am always finding out something new. For sometimes not feeling as though i belong, this is truly a relief. I fear talking sometimes. I fear saying something wrong. I am a coward. Just like those i am related to. So far away in relation, but i see similarities. So, there you are. There you go. Let me go. I think i might be able to cry now. So i think i shall take advantage of this break in emotion. I love you all. More than you could ever know. goodnight dears. Goodnight Anna. Trying to ... anna. I found it. Oh memories. Yes, the tears can come now.

A cHanCe mY cHiLdReN

The shiney bracelet that looks like a heart breaking
It's raining outside. I haven't posted in nearly two weeks and not a lot has happend. In fact I might have to admit that more change has happend in the past ten minutes than in the entire span of time from my last post. I guess that might be the reason i have come to write on this thing. Spark and interest, lets see what you get. Everyone has been asking me how school is. Well, let's see, school. I go, i work, i come home and i go to school again. It's always the same, it never changes. Don't really ask anymore, it's just a repetitive nothingness that wastes a lot of time. It's small talk which is for simple minds that i clearly don't need.
multiply by infinity and take it to the depths of forever and you won't even understand where i'm coming from.
It is the middle of the afternoon an yes I am updating. If you have a problem, which I know you don't because it gives you something else to read besides random blogs that you search through when bored or playing around on myspace for hours on end. You should be thanking me and not questioning my intentions. Now that that is out of the way, there is something more important on my mind. Three words, Meet Joe Black. Now I do not know if you have ever seen this movie before but if you haven't, you need to. Above all others. Damn. Watch it alone, movies are always best this way, but this one especially. Don't start thinking out loud on this one either or you may miss something very important. You also need to watch it start to finish. No pausing, no potty breaks, all at once. Now, this was not the first time that I have seen this movie, but i am now older and I would like to think a little wiser and I understand everything in it now. It's really one of those movies that will live on forever because it covers the most important things. Life, death and love, plus little things that branch out but pretty much just the three basic. It has a beautiful way to put all of life into perspective. "It's just the pictures in your mind that you take away from events. Collect enough pictures and you will be happy." or something like that. It just had such a beautiful way of putting death. I couldn't imagine a more fitting idea for the way that people die. Brad Pitt, playing death, does not comfort those he comes for, but gives them a kind of sense of relief. I don't understand what about him in this role, the perplexity and the way he seems to view everything for the first time, much the way that of a child only because he is older and can speak, we see the common misconsceptions. Everything about our own world comes a little more into focus. Plus the idea that death is supposed to be the evil thing of our lives and really, it is quite the opposite. People are flawed, people are evil, death is innocent. He just provides a service that is grossely needed. If not for death, where would the world be?
Blue Ocean
It would be a great thing to live without fear. With never having doubt and being what i never thought i could. I want everything i can't have. I want that shimmering sea of blue. The most beautiful parts of the ocean. The deepest blues that give that sense of awe inspired love that can only be revered. And then you remember of all the destruction and the danger that resides just below the surface. The death that has been, the pain that can exude. And still i can conjur no thought more intoxicating than letting the cold blue surge through me body and pour into my lungs. Almost dying, but not quite. Much more inspired than that. Feeling each piece of my body disconnect. My head pulls me away and my heart feeds the hunger in my eyes until the fires blaze and i crawl towards the ocean like a parched wanderer. My oasis is but a hands reach away and yet that hand is of a frozen wasteland in which no humane heart could cross. I shall forever adore those blue eyes. Each glance that painful reminder, that stinging sensation that only a true and kind heart will be able to relieve me of for always. And the moment that i shall look into the eyes of my beloved babe and see that ocean, the ocean in which a woman such as myself one day in the future will care to journey and care to die in, i will weep. I will weep for their heartache. Weep for my own. And weep to know I shall forever be haunted by those ghostly blue eyes. I am resigned to the fact that blue eyes are the most beautiful thing ever and that everman who owns a pair of these gracful killers will be a reminder and bring me a lot of pain.
*** these were old posts of mine. Saved drafts that i never got back around to. I felt bad for them, just sitting there, waiting to be picked up again and fully developed and it never happend. I think they deserve the chance to go out into the world and be seen. They could have been something beautiful, i can see their potential even now. My english teacher said to me today that a piece of writing is like a child, we can see all the beauty in it that no one else ever can and we know what it is trying to say all the time even if to other people it is just baby babble. And with that same token, we are unable to see the faults, no matter how evident they be. That is the thing that i love the most. He is so true, so true. So to all my little pieces of writing, know that i love you and that someday you will be loved... i mean published. Same thing.

cLosinG tiME

I want to close this so badly. I can no longer do it the justice that is deserves. I have been thinking about this for a very long time, but i could never find the time to write down everything that i always wanted to. Everything i thought should be out in the open. After tonight i really realize how much i feel like i am trying to fit throught a round hole when i am a square peg. I don't belong there anymore. And when i say there, i mean hanging out with dan and brandon and scott. I can handle them one at a time, but together, i have reverted back to the person i always was. Is it extremely horrible that i can relate better to complete strangers than i can them anymore? Emerson once wrote, "To be great is to be misunderstood." They are great because they are misunderstood, a mystery, and the perplexity has been something that i have been toying with for the longest time. I feel like if here i can't let myself go, then where? So judge me, go ahead, i am tired of censoring my thoughts because i don't want some half retarded look or a glare of utter confusion. Everything that i may say, doauble edged sword. And i want nothing to do with weapons of that kind. I was once a simple human being. Happy going about my everyday life. And then all of a sudden i was shown a new kind of person. One who had deep and scarred heart and i was dazed by the things that he said. He showed me someone who would share his thoughts and feelings even though he didn't really know me and perhaps show me a new life one that actually had some kind of meaning, a past. I was shown a false identity. Someone they perhaps wanted to be and knew they never could, but they had me, hooked line and sinker. I have been reeling for the past three months because of it. I have tried to forget, everything that was said. I want to only remember the times when we were all laughing and then i can't remember what it was about. And i remember not talking. I still don't talk. And i hate being prompted. It's a million things at once and when i try to let them flow right out of me, it only turns into tears. And i can't understand WHY?I have tried to lose myself. If only i could lose myself. Goddamn. School simply isn't enough. I want to go to a different country. I want to run away. I want to go to the University of Hawwii for college. I want to forget about brandon and scott and dan and ian and everyone else that had any kind of effect on my life this summer. And it's only a half hearted wish. I just want to forget all of the time that i had with them that they upset me and i never said anything, the thing about them that always sparked the worst in me, all of the times we fell apart and had to put ourselves back together again, all of the times i had my heart broken and had to look into the eyes of a person i will never love and tell them that, and look into the eyes of the person i always feelings for and know that he will never.... i want the heartache to go away. I said a night ago that i never really had my heart broken and that i don't have a problem trusting people. Well i have had me heart broken, and i shouldn't trust people ever. They only end up making me wish that things were different which is completely ridiculous. That is something i think i should do, stop caring and close myself off. It sounds completely ridiculous but it seems to be working for everyone else. Maybe i'll take up drinking like and forget about my problems that way. Perhaps i will just try and think a little too far about things and look into them too deeply such as things like time travel to get the focus away from the problems in my own life. Maybe even smoking is the ticket. I can die from lung cancer long before my time so it wil only shorten my sentence that i must live in this hell hole of a life. Tonight as scott and brandon were talking about the death of their respective pets and the way that they both had looked into the eyes of their loved one as they died i thought, how should someone have a thought that pure. I don't want to say unattatched because that's not what it was, but they way they just said it. And it was. And will always be. I wanted to die. The idea of being here and not being, somewhere in the middle. I always loved this middle ground. And brandon said, "so i understand" and scott replied, "you always do..." and i wondered... i just thought. And then before i knew it, i was gone. I shook their hands and left. And i went to my car. And i turned on the radio, and i cried. And i cried, and i cried. I stared into the field ahead of my car. And i don't remember seeing anything. i just remember the beat. The bass line. The words, the pain. I will never understand either of them. And i know that neither of them wants me too. It's like playing monkey in the middle and i never even seen the ball that they pass above my head. My aunt told me that they are not smarter than me, just more expirienced. And everyone keeps lying to me. And i don't know what to believe anymore. And it's stupid shit, and i am too trusting. Because whatever i say is truth, i automatically asume that people are returning the favor, but it is not so, and that is incredibly nieve of me, but i don't understand the evil in people anymore. It just doesn't make any sense to me. What's the point? Maybe i show such a disinterest because i am not interested. I laughed with heidi and david today and i felt the most at home that i have ever been in the longest time. They don't hide any of their true feelings about me, but they don't blantantly tell me that i suck. They have an air about them that only make me happy. Ever since i have found myself to reside in this life of ScottBrandonDan i have doubted myself more than in my entire life. It's like i had to come to terms with a whole new kind of reality. The only allusion i can draw to it is the matrix. They are morpheus offering the blue pill or the red pill. And back in july, for whatever reason, i chose the red pill. Now i have to see the way the world really is and know that it sucks, that it's painful, that everything i knew, was not true. And would i really give anything to go back and take that blue pill? I constantly wonder that question. Fuck me for even thinking that. Just write me off. Hating is easier than caring and believe me if i could hate without question... but i guess i am too good of a person. Who understands me? Tell me that, who even wants to? You think that you can decipher me? You can't even decipher yourself. I am tired of making fun of the world and all the people in it. Why is it so hard to talk to people. What made it so hard to put down what i really want to say. I hate this, I knew that things were going to change. And i knew that i would bring them about. I can't stand this life anymore. I can't stand living in this triangle just waiting for the next time that they are going to make a visti home. Don't get attatched. The most wise words i have ever heard in my life. It's great to fantasize about what it could be like to be such great friends, but maybe we never were. Perhaps it is cause i am a girl, brandon tells me that all the time. I just lift out. What keeps me here? Not even myself anymore? The age gap is too much. All of the happiness that they gave me. Everytime i laugh despite myself. Everytime i look them in the eyes, and everytime i can't bring myself to do it. "you always do..." *Love is watching someone die* so who's gonna watch me die? I can feel so good. And then they just have this power over me to bring it crashing down. With one word, one sentence, even silence. Because i never know where i stand? I don't fucking know. I can't fucking care anymore. I can't relate. I just never understand. "You have no idea" no, no i really don't i guess. A year and a half is a long time. Perhaps too long. People come and go, seasons change, people change, people fade. Everyone just needs to have their faith renewed. I don't have that. I don't have the faith. I think i see twinges of it when my hair is tossled or when i have that first hug hello or when i see their eyes light up and a smile spread across their face when they see me. And then the automatic response is, they are leaving me. I dread the time when we say good bye because i don't know when i will see them again and there is always that possibility of never. So i space, i detach, and i have been told that if i get too attatched, it can only make things worse. And guess what, completely true. And after they are gone, i cry that i never held them that extra moment or told them that i loved them and will write them soon, nothing. But i cannot help the way that i am. And i cannot change. It all comes down to my pride and how i never want them to see who i am. I resent them for holding back for whatever reason that might be. So you know what, they won't tell me who they are? Neither will i. It's childish, but what's the point in lying about it. I am childish. I am ridiculous and stupid and i can't help it. So that would have to be one of the biggest things wrong with me, i never want to say good bye and i never want to give in. Pride, pride pride pride. I fucking have it and i fucking hate it. God make me into a bird to i will have wings and be able to fly fly far far away from here. I hate this. I absolutely hate it. Such admiration, such misunderstanding, such mistrust, all created within one mind. "So i understand" and i never will. Never. And that hurts like i can only try and explain. Like someone kissing you and telling you you are beautiful, and that you don't mean anything and that you never will and that you should always keep trying even though it is a lost cause because no one will ever love you and that you believe them and it is only intensified by the fact that you love them with all of your heart and can't imagine someone else being able to look at you in that fashion and that they are completely inept to try and handle your heart and you want to let them try because it is a spirit, a fire from within you that is unexplainable that you throw to them because they have been able to bring out it you what you only thought existed in movies or some alternate universe that wouldn't be understood. The happiest time in my life is sleeping. I am not concious and i can be whatever i want and realize anything for myself and never really be hurt. I want to sleep all the time. I think that is the perfect definition of depression and yet i wouldn't exactly say that i am depressed. I am completely capable of laughter and upbeat thougt. It is only in this moment that i must say goodbye and look at myself long and hard and at all the relationships i have and re-evaluate where it is that my priorities lie. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. I want that third option. And until i find it, it will just have to chose sleep. So i will. I can't ever close this site. It can't be done. It is the thing that haunts me. The thing that makes me smile. It's the mirror that i have to look into and realize what has passed me by and all of the people have shaped me into this deformed creature you see before you know. I will make you hurt, i will make you bleed. I will tear you apart just to prtect myself or try and prove a point or try and figure something out that i simply can't comprehend. Fucking summer. Fucking fucking summer.