GoOD tHinGs NeVEr LasT

There is nothing to report, but i have the urge to update. Not really update persay as much as write. Document life. Oh yea. Document life so that later on, everything i say on here can be used against me. Oh well. At least i can say that i was honest.
I was writing my novel the other day. That sounds weird to say, but it's true. I started working on the the second book. Well, i'm not sure that it's the second book, it may be the third. I decided to just write the entire thing and then decide where to break it up later on. But considering it's about my life, i wanted to do what i remember the best. And as i was writing i was reliving it. And it just got too painful to write. So i stopped. I'm kind of pissed off that it's going to set me back. I guess i am just going to have to work on other things, until i can write without as much emotion... that's not what i want though. Good writing is supposed to make you feel something. Like you can understand where the author has been. I want to give it another try, but until i am feeling incredibly ambitious i think i am going to do little things like write on here.
Fortunately for me i have been writing on this thing and on my xanga for so long that when i come to a point in writing my book(s) i can go back and read those blogs. They're like notes, that can jog my memory, that way i don't miss a thing. The only thing that i don't really have written about is the New Year and the week that followed. But luckily, i remember that just fine.
******
7/24/06
I went to Johnny's house the past couple of days, being friday and saturday night and i had a good time. I laughed and played a game of beer pong. I don't even remember what we talked about. I remember driving brandon so that he could buy cigarettes, seeing Jesse, meeting Steve Farthing, some other guy, looking like i could lactate beer... I don't know, it's just a huge jumble of light and sound. I called scott and he was mad that i didn't let him talk to Brandon. But as good a time that i had, there was this danger i felt. Not a danger so much as an uneasyness. That's why i left on the second night. I went to Blockbuster, rented a movie and bought two double cheeseburgers. I hadn't eaten anything all day okay? But i went home and the uneasyness was gone... Friday i was able to get completely out of my head. Saturday, i had fun and went home. And did nothing that i regret. I did drive around before i went home. Oh my god, i nearly forgot about that. I went to Michigan.
I think it was last wednesday that i got into an altercation with my mom and she kicked me out of the house. I went to work then i went to hang out with dan. As a side note, i like how his first reaction was, "you can stay in my basement" but not just him. I told heidi and david and both said i could stay with them. It's nice to know I have friends. But after i hung out with dan i told him to just take me home, i was gonna spend one more night in my room and move into my Nana's the next day. Well when i got home, my mom woke up and walked in my room and started giving me shit again and i just grabbed my lappy and got in my car and drove away. I went to New Buffalo because there is a free beach there after nine. I had my pillow still in my backseat and i crashed in the car until it was too hot, then i grabbed the blanket from the trunk and slept on the sand. I happen to see the sunset and went out on the end of the rocks to watch the sky slowly change color. My dad called me that morning and asked me where i was. I told him i wasn't at home. He said no shit and told me not to listen to my mom. I wasn't kicked out of the house, i just had to deal with this shit until he got back from Deluth. And they were going to Chicago for their anniversary so they got back yesterday and it was nice to be able to live in my house and not get bitched at, or play the twenty questions game.
My Nana and i talked and she told me she's afraid that if i go to Seattle, i'll never come back. I told her i will visit her and i have to come back to see Dan and Brandon and he just shook her head and said, "No, when you leave, you'll leave for good." We had a long discussion about the past 17 years of my life and what i have had to deal with. Abusive parents, to eachother and to their children. Both of them using physical and mental tactics to fuck with eachother and us. If they pass on nothing else, it's that i can pick at someone and make them feel absolutely horrible. I know just the right buttons to push and just the right thing to say to get the biggest reaction. And there is no use for a talent like that, it's not something you want to be able to do. But i can. And i have. I can recall moments so vividly they look straight out of a Lifetime movie. But i guess that every child's memory has those moments of when their dad almost killed their mom and as an eleven year old you held the phone and screamed at the top of your lungs "Leave her alone or I'll call the police!! Leave her alone!" This right before you get on the bus to go to school and you dry your eyes and try to block it out so you don't cry and no one will ever find out. Then you come home and find that your mother has been strangled and she pissed herself while she was passed out. She's fine now, but where is your dad? Where is he? Is he coming back? I don't fucking know. And then you realize, no. Not every child had to deal with this. In this Granger suburban life you are few and far between. The people you talk to on a daily basis weren't part of abusive homes. Their parents aren't stuck in a loveless marriage. They weren't physically abandoned by their father for two years and mentally abandoned by their mother at the same time for six months. They didn't basically take care of themselves for six whole months.
For all of this, i resent most people i know, but only in this faction of life. I usually love them, but when they tell me that their life is hard i don't have any sympahty and yet i do.
I shouldn't, because my childhood, that was hard to deal with, i have gotten over it. The memories still hurt, and i will never fully forgive my parents for what they did and the way they hurt me and my sister the most. It's the past though, it can haunt me, but i am not that girl that they abandoned. I made my own life and my own family with the friends that i have. Scott told me on the phone and has been trying to engrain this in my brain for the longest time that the only person in this world that i can rely on is myself. I can't need anyone else. Believe me, if anyone knows that, i do. I couldn't rely on the two grown people who were supposed to take care of me in every faction and keep me safe. But instead of inverting myself and not making friends, i did. I rely on my friends with everything because we all need something to believe in. We can't stand on our own two feet all by ourselves all of the time. If, somehow, i just took my life lesson and didn't rely on anyone, i would be so lonely. Even for the important things, we should be able to rely on someone else a little. It's becoming part of the human existance. If we don't become part of that existance how can we ever influance anyother person's life? If we all don't rely on anyone else, we just float around alone. Completely unattatched. If we go around trusting, even a little, even with everything we have, we make imprints on people and that way long after we are dead there are people who remember us through story and picture. We are far from immortal, but when we die, other people still hold a piece of us.
What do any of us really know about death? The only thing that we know is that we don't come back. So don't tell me everything goes away, that we fade, because you don't know. Don't knock my theory because you cannot prove yours either.
The reason that i do have sympathy for people who say their life is hard is because i don't want them to feel like they are alone. No one should have to deal with excessive pain. Because other people haven't built up a huge tolerance and smaller things can kill them, i am sensitive to that. I don't want people to hurt. I want to help because i know that it can get bad. I really just don't want people to feel they are alone. That thing is the ultimate. Don't be alone.
If i went to Seattle and never came back would you really blame me? Do you believe me that i won't? Do i deserve to run away? Are you going to run away too? Let's all just think for a minute why you need to get away and what you will be doing when you get there. Don't think you don't need to come back, because everyone does.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday remembering. Good memories that immediately kick you in the stomach because you know they are gone.

Well you disappeared on the Eastern Sky

Parades in the rain

Everytime i see you

Just dissappear again

Everytime you're leavin

I don't know what to say

I don't want to see this all turn

Go away

So could you tell me

Why you're leavein

Cause i don't know why it has to be so

Could you tell me

Why you leavin

Cause i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know

All this

Ending love songs

Come into my eyes

But everytime i see you

I'm alive

I'm alive

So could you tell me

Why you're leavin

Cause i don't know why it has to be so

Could you tell me

Why you're leavin

Cause i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know

tO ThiNk i miGht noT sEe thOse EyEs, MakE's it SO hARd nOt tO Cry

This last week of life has been. It's hard to think that it's only been three days since my last update. I sure am doing this close together. Seriously there has been so much that's happend, I haven't slept all that much and one of those nights i stayed out the duration... good times.
So that same thursday, I had to work and i gave Brandon a call during work telling him we needed to hang out afterwards. He agreed. He was chillin with Whit and Wren and Suz and Steve bowling or something, anyway, he was going to come over and chill with me afterwards. I had a feeling i was not going to be coming home that night so i told my mom i was spending the night at Wren's house. We got into my car and we fled, R Kelly style... not really.
I didn't feel like being in this town anymore. Brandon felt my shared pain and we went north. Whenever i feel like i can't deal with this Indiana life anymore, i go to michigan. So we were driving north. I didn't know where the fuck we were going, away was the important part. We just kepot going. Past St. Joe, past South Haven, Past Grand Haven... i knew if i kept going up 31 i would end up in Frankfort. I had toyed with the idea before, but i never would because i didn't want Scott to be mad at me. I knew that would be like the unforgivable thing. On thursday/friday morning, i didn't care anymore. I didn't care if he was mad, sad, indifferent. I had alread done something unforgiveable and he wasn't even talking to me, how much more mad could he be? Really? So we went. Me and Brandon drove all night to end up in Frankfort at around 3 in the morning.
The drive there was something spectacular. I felt that i hadn't had a real conversation with Brandon in weeks. There was the pool on monday when i had a complete breakdown and came to terms with the not being okay about a broken relationship with someone i was still in love with? I hated myself for being stupid and believing that he wasn't hurting... i don't think he is. Whatever... it didn't count as a real talk. It was just a crisis talk. I talked about how i just decided to be mad at Scott for being stupid about thise break up by not talking to me. Basically refusing to be my friend. He and i never will be the way we were. I will always be wondering, not keeping it in the back of my mind. He knows that, prolly why he refuses to see me. I wouldn't kiss him. That would be stupid... I can't win, i want to be his friend and his girlfriend... life doesn't work that way. I should just hate him, it would make things easier. I thought about for the first time, i might be the best thing that happend to scott and he threw me away. Has he ever known anyone as forgiving as me? Anyone that loved him as unquestioningly? Has he ever had anyone trust him with everything, the truth, the ugly parts... everything? I have promise, i have a future, i wasn't bad looking. I liked hockey. That's the package. I would support him in whatever he wanted to do in his life, and he didn't care? I don't know, but i think he will really miss me. I think that it was a mistake. I hope he sees that. I hope that he hurts about it. I can see him thirty years old sitting in SNS still with Melody and Ian and still philosophizing on life working at a dead end job, really fat, still smoking, dying from lung cancer maybe, alone or miserable with his wife, and it makes me feel bad and good. I like thinking i was good for him and that this is what he amounted to, and bad because that is a really bitchy thought to have... i have to hate or i will die...
Problem now is, i'm starting to feel alone again and i can only think of the beautiful things about him again and soon, if i continue, i'll miss him... i hope not.
Brandon also talked about Wren a touch... things, as always are having mitigating effects on out lives.
The Stars in Frankfort were amazing. I have never seen that many in all my life. The moon was out, but even with that light, there were thousands in the sky. We walked out on the beach and i kept spinning losing sight of what i had already seen and what i was seeing for the first time. I tried to point out constellations that i already knew, but, there were simply too many stars. That was the second time in my life i have seen the milky way. The first was a simple hit of where it was, this was full on milky way like i have only seen in pictures. The way that the light danced on the lake and made it look like everything was moving in slow motion to the sheer number of little lights glowing in the sky, it was just a fucking surreal moment. A surreal place. Places that beautiful don't really exist. It's hard to think this is only like 4 and a half hours north of my life... I love it.
Brandon and i sat on the swings conversing. I laughed my ass off, i nearly cried a million times... I thought of everything beautiful in my life. I thought about how much i can't live without Brandon there. How much i take Dan for granted. How much i miss the person that i was. That was a good hearted person who let others know just how much she loved them. And just how afraid i am to tell people what they mean to me. I want to do things for other people without getting things in return, without having something in it for me. For once in my life, i want to do something selfless and have that be okay. Not be quesitoned. I want to tell the truth and let it be felt that this is the motherfucking truth and there is no other way about it. I want to love someone. I want to be loved. I want anything, i want something, i want nothing... I want my innoscence back. Do people believe me anymore? Do they? I just don't feel the same.
I fell on my back, and i looked up. I did cry. I cried at how beautiful it was. I cried that i had come to this place against one of my best friends wishes. I cried that i went there without him. And still i was so mad that i just wanted to punch something.
It was truly a beauty that no one can take away from me.
Me and Brandon hiked up to Pyramid Pointe, and as tired as i was, it didn't phase me. I fell down, got back up, laughed, fell down again, repeat. We made it to the top in time to see the sun rise... I have never seen anything like that. The water was far too blue, the little pieces of land... amazing. I can't describe it enough. I can't tell you how i was blown away. How the colors changing fucked with my mind. I loved it. The company wasn't bad either. I looked to my left and saw my best friend. I saw the person that had been with me through bad times and good. who stayed... he stayed even when he knew how fucked up i was. How i keep making the same mistakes and how he never would leave me because i can't stand on my own all the time. We will always be friends... always.
We left that same morning because i had to work and how i wish i hadn't. I was tired as fucking hell so Brandon drove most of the way home. At the stop for gas and a bag of chips, i took over driving duty. I hated sleeping, but i couldn't stay up anymore.
I came home and went to lunch with dan after another half hour nap or so... haha...i was so wasted.
Work was fun, and then i was so glad it ended.
I went home, and passed the fuck out..
I will always remember that night.
I will always remember my best friend.
I will always remember feeling alone.
I will always remember feeling whole.
I will always remember the stars and water.
I will always remember who was missing.
I will always remember everything happens for a reason.
I will always remember no one was missing, i just am wishing for another time.
I will always remember that feeling won't last forever.

i WanNa heaR WhaT yOU hAVe tO SaY abOUT me, if YouR GonNA LiVE wiThouT me, i WANNA Hear wHAt YoU WaNT

I tried to call Scott last night. It took me nearly five minutes of looking at 'Scottatious' on my LCD before i was able to actually hit the SEND button. But i took a deep breath and then mumbled to myself incoherant worries of what to talk about. Luckily? he hit the ignore button and i didn't have to come up with things to say. How do i know he ignored me? It only rang twice. That's why when i want people to think i really just missed their call, i let it ring and dance to my ringtone. I then spent three minutes recovering and decided to write an entry on here, but i accidentally signed off the internet and i took that as a sign from god that i should just let it go for the night.
Last night kinda pissed me off that and the fact that i sent him a txt to which he did not reply. I somehow think that it would be easy to get to that point that i am just so pissed off at how much he is acting like a child and the hurtful things he has said to me would just get me so that i am so mad i wouldn't care. I would write him off. In fact, i know that i would already have enough of that built up except once i am almost at that point, i remember something beautiful or some across some old parchement i have left to find and my hate crumbles. Everything i would have worked for, falls and then i fall into a deep sadness somewhere that i can't see the surface. I don't know a way out and i feel all alone again. I feel like the world is playing a cruel joke on me. Poor ChelC, boo hoo.
Yesterday at work i was laughing with heather dancing to my ringtone and then i had to go take my break. I sat in the back and sipped on my banana cream smoothie and then thought that in that moment Scott could have been sad. For this expirament in thinking, he was sad which upon further reflection, i have decided he was not. But why did i not think that he was sad at that moment when i was happy. And it's because it did not matter. When we are happy we don't remember all of the other people that are hurt or dying in that moment that we laugh. There is no one else in that moment of joy. We laugh and that fills all of us. No matter how empty we feel right after. When we laugh, for real, we are really happy, even if it's about stupid things, it just doesn't matter. Happiness can't last forever, that's why love was created. But if the events of my life have shown anything, it's that love can't last forever. So, what else? What now?
I am going to try and hold on to the hate that i feel. It makes moving on with life soo much easier. And that's a sad fact. I will not be friends with Scott if this is the way that i am able to cope. I am supposed to give him sufficient time to deal with whatever he has to deal with. Then we can be friends again. Then he can call... Then i don't know what. One of us in this situation ends up being selfish. He is being selfish by taking all this time. I am selfish by thinking he should call. But whenever he comes around, i should just answer? Because now that he's okay, we can talk, but not before? It's all depending on him. Whether this takes him another week or if this takes him forever. And the not knowing kills me too. Whatever. This is starting to smell like bullshit.
Chemical will always keep me tied. It's like a pent up reaction. But chemicals can react with more than one other element. It still scares me that once i react, i always will. I'm just going to have more self control... or try. I just have to be vindictive. That'll work fine.

i cLose uP My MouTh WHeN yoU're ArounD, i'm SuffocaTin iN doUbT. i aLwAYs waNteD To Be tHe oNe YOu LOoKed to foR aNSwERs iN me

A beautiful and crushing fact that i learned today. I am not okay. I have been able to admit that. And i think that being able to say it out loud, may have really helped me. It may also be the person that i told. There is no way to fix me. I am amazed at how broken i am. It's like the part inside of me that makes the rest of the inside of me work has been completely destroyed. I can't understand simple things. I can't reason, i don't want to. Most of all, i don't know what to do. I am completely lost... I think that better explains what i am going through than just saying my heart is broken. More simply if you want it that way, I feel like my heart is broken. I don't see a point to anything. Even writing this seems like a waste.
I don't want to write this because i don't want people to know how weak i am. In my mind, there is a correlation to bad things happening and me showing my weakness. As soon as i show people that i can crack under pressure, that i am not a perfect human being and always do the right and honest thing, i have lost respect that i can never get back. Someone gets mad at me and i spend months, if not the rest of my life, fighting to get back to good, back to close to where i used to be in that persons memory. And at the same time when i am hurt by someone i am so quickly to forget it. Ususally the people i care about the most i want to forget hurt me at all. I hold on to the instances to get back at them, usually when i fuck up again. It never really works out. But at the same time, i want to write this because i need to. I need to remember this and just how this feels. I need it to be floating in the expanse of internet space so perhaps someone may stumble across it. I need to mean something to someone out there.
I sat in Brandon's back yard today, wet. I want to know why i can't get past this. Why i simply am not moving on. What about Scott is so amazing that i just don't understand. What i don't know, i just want to know something. I don't know so much. I am so hurt and even that i didn't understand.
I miss Scott. He was a part of my everyday life. I had expecations for this realtionship. I was prepared for it to take me to places i have never been. Brandon told me that and i believe it. I put more than myself in it, i put my faith and my energy and all of my heart. And it ended on what i think where horrible and stupid terms. I had all of my work thrown back in my face.
I miss him because he was my friend. He confided in me once. We worked through such horrible problems. He had patience with me which he did not have for everyone. And while at times i wore his patience thin and saw that, there were times when he didn't show his wear at all and he took things slow and cried with me because i needed him to. Because he couldn't do anything else. He was one of my best friends. And since best friends are supposed to get you through the tough times like break ups, i don't have that help, that luxury. Our friendship has been broken apart and he can't talk to me. Or just won't.
I would call, what's the point. What am i supposed to do? I don't really like talking on the phone when i know the person is only three miles from my house. What are we supposed to talk about. I don't have any small talk i want to bust out. I want to talk about the issue, but i don't want to at the same time. I don't want to feel like i am beating a dead horse and just can't let this go. Yet, i don't know how to move on. I don't want him to feel bad.
I want to see him so badly and i can't see him because it hurts so much.
I want to be his friend again. I want to talk and laugh with him and would do anything in the world to get back to that. But the problem is i also really want to be his girlfriend again. I want him to look me in the face and feel like there is no one else in the world. That outside of my black beetle there is no existance. All there is are the two of us and the look on his face that he is happy. That he cares for me like he never cared about anyone else in the world. In those moments, there never could be anyone else... ever. And i can't do both. I can't aim at two targets, i'll never hit either. I can't be his friend wanting to be his girlfriend because the "what if" of the situation would kill me. And i can't be his girlfriend because that is something that he can't do...
I should be able to forgive him for putting me through this anguish, but i would. And i hate myself for being so forgiving. I hate myself for being so hurt over this. For believing that things aren't getting better.
I have this feeling that as i sit here alone and cry. Or i lay in my bed crying, wishing for just the mere pain of everything to end, he is laughing. He is out there having a good time. Surrounded by his friends. Smoking a cigarette and not caring where i am or what i am doing. I don't even cross his mind. I don't make him hurt, that he isn't hurting over this at all. Brandon assures me that isn't true. Scott told me the day after we broke up he sat around his house being completely miserable. But there is something in me, that makes me want to hurt myself to spite myself in a way, that tells me i didn't mean that much. And Brandon asked me if when i was out there laughing and smiling did i ever think that Scott might be out there feeling miserable and crying. No. That thought never crossed my mind because i don't think that it happens. I don't think he hurts. Isn't that a stupid fucking thing to say. But i don't think he will have trouble moving on. Maybe because he broke my heart. He called it quits... not me...
I want to forget he ever existed. If i could i would do what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I would get rid of these memories. I would erase him completely. Because i remember the reason that i fell for him. I know all the good times forewards and backwards and i know there is no way that they can ever happen again. They haunt me. I have no memories of pain that hurt me more than the way thinking about being with him that kills me even more. The look on his face haunts me and kills me and makes me want to die. He loved me once... that i know. Once upon a time, and it hurts.
I hate walking around right now and not showing at all that i am crushed. I hate smiling because i don't want to smile. Nothing makes me genuinely happy when i am alone. Perhaps there are people out there who make me happy. But at the end of the day, i am alone. I am thinking to myself and all i want to do is talk to Scott. I want to see his face. I want to see him happy. I want him back. I hate myself for it. I hate saying it. It sounds pathetic. I hate this, all of it.
I hear his name and it's like someone kicked me in the stomach. I hear about him through other people and it's painful, but i want to hear about him. I want to know what he's doing, know that he is okay, and i hurt a little knowing that he is just fine. I feel like he doesn't have anyone left to really confide in. That's just me thinking too much of myself. But i was someone he could confide in. I care what happens to him, as much as i don't want to. He tied to my heart for a reason that i want to stop questioning. I just accept. I don't want him to move on, but it would put some distance between us and i think i would stop hurting as much. That might be a lie. It may hurt even more. Like i said, i don't know what to do at all. I don't know. I can't fix this. I don't feel better.
I want him to know that i miss him. I think he does.
I am not okay. There are moments when i am. Don't doubt that. But the bad outweighs the good and i don't trust myself about anything. This hurts. That sounds stupid. But, a broken heart is the worst thing because sometimes those don't mend... i will never be as i was. I am forever broken. There will be shards left in me for those to find when i am dead...

wE miGht MaKE OuT whEN NoBodys tHEre, it'S nOt thAT we'Re ScaREd, iT's JuST thAT it'S DeLiCATe

It's been one hell of a day. Nothing out of the ordinary, and not really difficult at all. It was a day just like any other... So what is so hellish about it? That statement even puzzles me, but it fell out of my fingertips and onto this screen, so it must be fact. And i am not about to erase a fact from this perfect memory of mine, no matter how coded and abridged it might be. I dare say i may even be ommiting fact. *GASP* It's nothing we didn't alread know though is it? All the times i said i was going to be honest, that this was for me and for no one else, "fuck the rest of the world and what everyone thinks" Yea, even still i has miss concious inside my head telling me not to go too much in detail. It looks obsessive, you can't let on that much... bad things will happen if you do this or do that. Blah blah blah. And everytime i conceed. Alright, it's better that i don't... i don't want to make waves... Ect.
I had this discussion with Brandon the other day, last night at like one, about scott. We aren't talking. Does that make us friends? Yes, it does, but in a very weird way, huh? I want to have faith in that, i have hope that we can do at least that much. I told Brandon about my gut feeling that things just aren't over, and he said her has a feeling that they very much are, forever... that's a scary word, forever. It's so powerful, i don't really like the duty of wielding it. Brandon has a very firm way of crushing any hope out of my existance. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, i am not even certain i will ever talk to scott the same again, but it seems that Brandon wants to crush me into the ground. Take it all away and put me in my place. Almost with a vindictive air to his voice. The way as though this is a game a sort of payback. He can so sweetly kill me. "I'm just saying... NEVER". It's all the same, no matter how you do it, sugar coat it or not. If he wants to ground me, give his oppinion, whatever... it's painful. It pushes me to almost hostility. It's either be hostile or just cry out, "Why? I don't understand". That doesn't make much sense... I can't describe my self the way that i should. Words fail.
I miss the confidence that i had. The best friend that i had. I went through all the memories in my mind, the good and the bad. It hurt to think of them. I could relive every single thing that happened. Remember the taste of blood in my mouth after biting my lips through hours of conversation. I remember the dim lighting and how i lost my perfect sight. I remember the way that my sheets bunched together and how i picked the lint off my clothing. Looking at the phone, closing my eyes. Crying away a pound of mascara. I remember everything far too well...
That's another thing, Brandon doesn't believe that Scott and i were truly friends. We just hung out with eachother because we had friends (Brandon) in common. It's a very one sided way to look at it. But Brandon chocked up Scott and my's friendship to physical attraction. He thought i was cute and i thought he was cute and because we couldn't hook up initially we decided friends was the obvious other route. But that belittles my entire existance with him. No one has memory of the things that he and i talked about. The problems i faced and how he knew that, the things that he confided in me and vice versa. And no one ever will. Those are confidences i am not about to break. No one was me, no one is him, no one will ever know, but the fact that someone is stupid enough to think that he knows the whole story and make a judgement as ludacris as that... fuck me.
How can someone diagnose something from the outside. Pass a judgement without knowing the whole story and by only what they saw. It doesn't make any sense. Based on what they know... they can only know so much. It bugs me, that is a big thing that is bugging me. People telling me what to do. Giving me advice on how to handle the situation. Move on, stay still, give time, give space, sit, play dead... good girl.
I read this is a book today and it struck a chord with me. I just love it and i would love to use it if i ever get the chance. I don't really want the chance, but should i happen upon it, meh...
"That's why i've never understood suicide. Even those suffering from great depression or guilt, don't they feel Christ the Comforter in their hearts, giving them hope?"
"You're asking me?"
"God not being convenient, I ask a fellow mortal."
"In my view, suicide is not really the wish for life to end."
"What is it, then?"
"It's the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide."
...."If only such sad people could remember:Everyone wants to hide. But life is still sweet. Let it go."
I am agnostic, so i don't know how to fully feel about this, but what the hell. It's a good conversation. A good explanation... I think... maybe.. kinda.
I feel weird about all i've said. I feel more so tired though. Whether this starts shit or not. I'm not mad, i'm not hostile anymore. I feel no more anger in my body. I just needed to release my frustration. It's so hard to tell someone anything... especially when it is so close to your heart and guarded so dutifully... everything comes out in the end, with reason. And somethings, go into death... It's just one of those thing...