tHeRe aRe ThiNGs tHaT dRifT awAY LiKE oUr ENDLEss NuMBereD dAyS

I can't seem to find a song that matches my song. The one that i just don't want to turn away from. I go through my periods of hearing something that touches me in a way that i can't find comfort in any other song. So i end up listening to this one song for about three or four days straight. I think my record was two weeks, but that was a different time.
Last night was Ted and Natalies joint birthday bash. It was really fun i must admit. I didn't really do anything, but i got to hang out and meet quite a few new awesome people and become better aquainted with others. Shane is a sweetheart and Lucas, oh man, that kid... that's all i have to say about that.
I sat on my driveway for a minute or two after i got home, just thinking. It seems like every night that i come home from work really late at night, i sit on the driveway for just a moment, looking around me and think. It's calming for sure. There is also something that seems so heartbreaking about the driveway so late at night, with this feeling in the air, something very familiar. Maybe that's why i stay out there so long, i just want to know what it is that i am not remembering.
I hope i get accepted to UW. Worse than before. I don't want to settle. I feel like it's where i could belong, where i should be. Listening to an excess of Coldplay makes me think that, don't ask me why. They just have that smooth rocking feel that scream SEATTLE! You know, i think i just figured out that song, it's Kingdom Come. I just like listening to it... it also a mix of Fix you, that too. Not the whole X & Y album, just those for now, later, who knows.
I feel like looking into the sun and walking into it. Just being emersed in that glow of warm. I would love that. That and having my short hair back. I felt like i had more energy back then. Fuck all of this looking elegant or whatever...
I smell like coffee. I heard that was good thing though.
If i could look half as calm as all of the people i have drawn, i think i would be a lot happier right about now... At one point i must have felt that right? Wish i could have it back, just for a while.
I feel like summer never really happend. Not that i have been going to school year round, but i feel like summer wasn't real, i didn't do that much, i didn't do those things. It's also because i didn't listen to any of the music that i listen to right now. My life jumps from spring, hanging out with Kevin and Brandon a lot, listening to Ray LaMontagne and Omnibus, a little Elliot Smith, and then i jumped to Fall listening to a lot of Coldplay, and Crows, and other little things. Doing crazy things like introducing new music to everyone else i know.
I wonder, in the dark moments of the night, what it's going to be like coming back here after i go away to college, wherever that might be. If it's Seattle, who am i going to talk to when i come back to granger, cause i will have to see my Nana at least once. What is it going to be like with the people i know now? How many are actually going to still talk to me then? I feel like Heidi and i will be oddly fine, just not talk much when i am actually at my college. I would have believed that i talked to Brandon everyday, no joke. Now i don't know that i would ever call him when i got back in town. I mean, he wouldn't pick up my call anyway would he? I don't know. just called him, the answer is no. What wouold he and i talk about anyway?
You know i don't care any other time of the day whether or not i ever talk to scott or brandon or really anyone else ever again. Most other times, though, i am busy with my own life. But that reflection time seems really important. Just to stand back look out the window and go, wow, here i am. There they are. What can i do to change that, how much did i really love them? The answers are nothing, and too much.
I can do this.
I didn't know i was doing so well in school. I checked my grades the other day and i somehow felt that i was getting C's, this is not the case. A's mostly i think only two B's. I am fucking shocked. I should be doing worse, this is my senior year and the classes are hard. I don't know what went wrong... And those two B's are ACP classes, so they are really like A's. MMmmm.
I read Dan's blog this morning, i'm sorry, xanga, and it said that he is in love, more so than ever before, and because of that love, he is alive. He has concluded that love is that bane of human existance, it is also the reason that we exist. It's that funny, the hardest part, the thing that sucks about living is also the reason we live. I personally do not think that is the reason we exist. The world is no different in and out of love. True, it makes living more enjoyable, endorphines and such other beautiful things come from love, but it does not change the world. Merely the way that our brain interprets it. That is the key, that little three pounds of matter.
I wonder what it feels like to be that in love, to convince yourself of something you never thought you could. I think those who look on love as non existant are the ones that are the most bitter becuase they wish that they could have that range of emotions. When in love, the highs are so much greater, in turn, the lows are so much lower. Is it really worth that? The swing? I don't really know, i think it truly depends on how much of that high you can have.
If i could die in this moment, i would die a happy person. I got to experience so much out of life. The things i am missing in no way compare to the things that i got to live. I traveled, i saw the places i so desperately wanted. I got exactly what i wanted, i loved and was loved, however brief a period of time. I drove the car i wanted, for as long as i wanted. I stayed out all night, so many times. I kissed the man of my dreams, i laughed until i cried, i listened to Adam live. I met amazing people, people who changed my life, for the better, for the worse, so rare the worse... in fact as i think of it, no one has impacted me in such a negative fashion. What happend was bad, but it was not their fault, they did nothing for which they should apologize to me for. I had such a good life. And in this moment i am truly happy that i lived. I did everything with all of my heart. The mistakes i made, the people i kissed, the people i didn't kiss, the break ups, the make ups, the people who kicked me out of their lives, the people i pushed out of mine. I don't see any of us changning anytime soon. I think this is the way that it is just going to be.
I am forever grateful for the following people, Nana, Brandon, Scott, Dan, Heidi, David, Paul, Deb, Kathryn, Ruby, Evan, Natalie, Caitlin, Ian, Ben, and Chad. Almost exaclty in that order. These are the ones that helped me feel the most. Every type of feeling, all the more i love them. Not to mention all of the songs and artist that made me cry so hard i shook. Or just made me look up at the sky and ponder.
I don't think the people above know how much i needed them, how much they mean. I don't think i'll ever be able to tell them. I know i wrote those letters to Scott and Dan and Brandon. But i don't think they carry the weight that they did so long ago. If i could ask only one more favor of you, read them again. Think of me then if you must. But please, try and keep in mind that it has not changed. The hurt i may have felt, the hope in the needless things, has drifted, and i am as i always was, your friend. You have never ceased to amaze me, the things that make me love you, have not changed. I always had the honor in being your friend.
I am at peace. Remember that, please. And please, remember me. Happily, Fondly, at Halloween, Mistakenly, as In The Dream, My Misery, Seldomly, and Finally.
Ev'ry little ting, is gon be alright.

wHeN i ThiNk of iT, mY fiNgERs tUrN to FiSTs... i nEVeR diD aNyThiNg hUMan

I feel remarkably tranquil at this time of the morning. True it is abut 11:30, but that is still morning in my book.
Last night it was warm and wet. It had that chill, that absolute promise of fall. There was something in the air, a distict scent of somewhere i had been before. I decided to sit in the backseat of my car with my legs curled up under me and look out at the neighborhood.
I've lived here for ten years. It didn't look like this when i moved in. There were mounds of dirt everywhere, and there are houses now, where none even looked like they could fit before. People have moved in, had children, and moved out again. I never thought i would be here for so long, but here i am, still standing.
I filled this empty room with my shit, but i refused to call it home. My home was back on fairmont, i was just borrowing this place to see what it felt like to be a bit wealthier. Little by little, nothing has really changed. There is more stuff here, but i don't have that "i can't imagine sleeping anywhere but my own bed" syndrome. Whenever i go on a trip, i get very comfortable where i am. If i knew the roads better, i would prolly end up staying while. The things that i miss on vacation, are other peoples lives. But, i'm growing out of that. There is no one left in this town who shares a common ideal, who genuinely gives a damn. There are aquaintences, friends that i would miss occasionally, but it would not hinder me from being my anywhere else. I have my bouts with believing that i will go, now is one of those moments that i believe i will go. Having my applications in guidance helps me think that, but it could be something else, we don't know yet.
I feel like i talk down my friends on here a lot. I feel kinda like i will leave the wrong impression of them. I know that they care about me, a lot. But, most of them have so much going on in their own lives they forget to stop, turn, look at me and talk to me. Comments, are a daily occurance, and we know what is going on in eachothers lives, and i do care about them, but i get this strange feeling from half of them. Kind of like, we are only friends because we are the best eachother can do in highschool. We share many of the same interests and activites. The thing i see lacking, and this is such a stupid but meaningful thing to me, we do not share the love of the same music. That has and always will be the thing that connects me to people in school. Because Dan shares the same musical taste with me, i value him more. That and that fact that i think when we talk, it's not to break a silence that the ages have been fighting, i think it's because it may be meaningless to the rest of the world, but not to us, not to me. I can talk with anyone, but it's whether or not i feel like we're speaking to eachother.
I talked to Brandon the other day. He was supposed to come over to talk with me on tuesday, but that didn't end up happening. He stayed after school, and after he neglected to call me, i went to do work on my psych. I got his call at seven so called him back and he was haning out with scott... i guess that means i was replaced. So here we are, a good month later, haven't spoken face to face, haven't talked on the phone, not really, a few chats online, mostly yelling. I feel like whatever i may have been fighting, it won. I feel so beaten about it. I feel so tired about this one thing. I miss having something so constant in my life, but that has been something i have had to adjust to as of late. I am so tired of fighting the odds. I am getting no help from him at all. I throw up my hands and just say, "i give" and then i get so pissed that i'm giving up and he isn't trying that i try again. And i want to give up. Badly. This is such bullshit. I shouldn't be the only one trying. I shouldn't have to do this alone. But that's what it's always about, we are alone.
Look at me here, right now, alone. In my head, there is only me, alone. Walking down the street, driving in my car, i'm alone.
I don't have anything more to say. Maybe just a short overview, the condensed version. I miss Dan, and i woud give anything to go down and see him. I want to go to seattle asap, i think at this moment, it could work. I am tired, hurt, and mad when it comes to Brandon and me not being friends anymore. I wish i could connect more here, to others, but they don't have taste musically. I wish Bryce lived here, really.

tHis CouLd bE tHe VeRy MinUTe i'M awARe i'm ALivE

I really have no reason what-so-ever to be updating this. I don't like really to call this an update, it's a journal... but it had that update feel because i end up going over the main points in my life. I don't really like to rant, not usually, but i suppose there are always exceptions.
I read my blue notebook the other day. It never ceases to get at me in a way that not even the best novel can. It's because it's me. It's because my memories are so vivid, and they are mine. They are the most pertinent thing to my life.
I am amazed at how much time during class i space out and think about things i have done. Moments that i recount in my head. It makes me kind of sad. To think that my life was actually in that place.
Last year this time i was going to Bella Vita almost every night. It's something i miss. I miss getting the college update. I miss having people away at college who didn't hate me or tell me that i am not welcome in their homes. I miss having hopes of going down to visit and know that i would be welcomed with open arms, and love. It feels like millions of years ago. I am a varitable different person, and in turn, so are they. I think we fit like puzzle pieces then and now the notches in our spines have changed and we do not connect.
Let me think... Last year i only talked to Brandon, about my serious life. I talked to Scott and Dan when they were in town. I waivered between liking ian and not liking ian and being plauged by bad timing all around, i had emotional break downs on a monthly basis, i focused on nothing but getting the fuck out of here, i was despondent from the majority of my friends, i did not get involved in any after school activity, my grades stayed the same, i was miserable a lot, i didn't sleep, i went through tremendous back pain, un needed stress, three break ups of friends, and multitude of other things i don't even want to try and remember. I think i had more happen in my last year than i did the other two years of high school combined. I wonder why, honestly?
I want to get away from here in a hopes to forget most of the past. I want to remember what i want to remember and forget the rest. Seattle is appealing for a reason. Instead of chasing the girl, i am running away from the boy. I think it all depends on just how much you love someone. I know there are other factors than just that one thing. I mean i do have friends here, and there are more important people, like family. But the bad in this situation out does the good. I have to go where i am happy, that is not here. I need more opportunity. I feel i've tapped this resource. I'm gonna go somewhere else, god willing. I don't want to run in circles, and i don't want to run into the past anymore.
There are some who are strong and don't let the demons of their past haunt them. Fuck you if you think i am ridiculous. Some people aren't that damn strong. I try, i don't just go limp and say whatever, this is too hard, boo hoo. If you say i am not trying hard enough, exactly what is enough? Will you tell me that? Tell me to get over it. Then tell me how. Let it go? How?Just put it behind you. How? Forget. How? In time, with distance, that's how i am going to do it. I won't let go of those that i love, believe me. I have an idea, and i am going to try it.
I'm so tired but i don't want to sleep. I have nothing to do now. I am just waiting for the nxt big thing. There is no challenge to this year. I sleep more often than not and then just stay up late at night out of boredom. I don't accomplish a task, or freak out over school work. I just am.
I am numb, to any kind of connection to another person, at least chemically. My friends, oh hell yea, fun times fuckin ten. I can tell heids anything. But i have no butterflies in my stomach. I have no one that i love flirting with at school. It's all just kind of the same, joke, giggle, smile, laugh, hug, repeat. I won't have sex this year. I am calling it now, and i am half happy about it. I won't waste my time with a high school retard. I'll have my V card. I like that. And i'll feel clean knowing i didn't have sex with something i didn't love. I see every guy as a friend now, not an opportunity. I think they have that same respect for me, and that's really cool, also just a little disheartening. I wish i didn't attend penn where no one is worth the time. Ever.
If i could track my progress through high school, how much i have changed! I think the person i am is the best i could do. I enjoy the fact that i am a lot like my father. He is the coolest person i know. I could have been better, in better circumstances, but i don't think i would have been in michigan as much as i was otherwise.
Bryce is callng me now. I think i should prolly answer... I'm just so tired i don't know what the hell we are going to talk about. And i sure hope we don't talk too long. I mean, damn, damn, damn, damn.
I don't know what i mean.

MeSs uP mY BeD wiTH Me... KiCk oFf tHe cOvERs i'M wAiTinG

Right now, i wish that i had a normal life. And i know, that nothing can ever be defined as normal. But i wish that i had a life that wasn't particularly like mine.
I've said time and time again that i don't regret. Honestly, it's like a sign of weakness to me. I've been so busy trying to fight the bad and never let myself show an ounce of weakness that i haven't been honest. My thought of regret does depend on my mood some. But, if i had to look very hard at my entire life, i regret it. A lot of the things i've done, and a lot of the places i have gone, i wish i hadn't.
In specifics, the last year and a half of my life, if i could take back, i would. I have and always will be the person that i am. Perhaps i had been shaped in this past year and a half, but i would undo it. I changed into something i am not proud of. People continue to like me with the understanding that i will always love them. We're friends. But, i'm not like that at all. I'm a hardend bitch who only wants you to feel bad about yourself. I write on here so people can use my words against me, maybe finally catch me in a lie. But i dance around and convince myself it's all a lie, they're twisting my words. I'll do it again, you watch.
If i could have never met scott, or dan, or brandon i would be fine. I wouldn't know what i'm missing, and in these shoes, i know that i could do without. I'm holding on to something that i have no grasp of now. I will try and take back these words later in an attempt to keep my "friends", but now, i think i just want to say it because it's true. I don't want to know them because it makes this harder. This growing up and growing apart. I also, don't want to acknowledge that we might be growing apart, but i can feel it.
I talk to Brandon and i feel bored. I feel uncomfortable because i don't know what to talk about. I feel hurt, and slighted, and burned. I don't feel like a best friend anymore, and that hurts my pride a little too. I'm small talked and worked in to a hectic schedule which seems to consist of him spending hours with most everyone but me. It doesn't matter at this point what i am hallucinating, and what i am seeing, because the damage has been done. I don't know how we will get back to good.
David and i talked last weekend for hours. We stayed up all night, and for the first time, he issued his dislike for my "college friends". He felt hurt that i didn't call, which, was my choice. He felt that i was taken away by them and abandoned my duties as a friend. I hate having done that, i can't take it back. I wasn't sorry on saturday, and i should have been. I don't like this person.
At the end of the day i feel lost. Like all of my priorities go out the window. I talk to people all day, and love it. The people i have surrounded myself with are genuinely nice and humerous individuals. I have that element of smart, and i always have heidi and david to spill my true feelings with. I miss having that other side, that knew me too well... and loved me. But, it's akward because i don't feel like it's an option i can have anymore.
I talked to Bryce yesterday and he told me he likes me. This, doesn't work for me because i am in no mood to fall in love. I asked him, "why me?" It's a popular question. And the thing that was most amazing, was that he gave me the same answer i have gotten from every single man i have ever asked. It's because i'm me. It's the person that i am, the energy that i give off, the way that i speak, the things i talk about, my smile, me, in a nutshell. And i love that answer and i hate it. Because it never explains how someone stops liking me. I don't stop being me. I'm me all the time, so how is it that people let me go? I don't want to love Bryce. If i could never fall in love again, it would be better. But i will, in a moment of weakness, and even be happy about it. And then my heart will break, and i don't know what i will do next.
If i didn't have to live anymore, i wouldn't. Death doesn't scare me and i look at it as a journey i would love to take. Perhaps a month ago, i only thought i was dying because i wanted to die. If i could take those pills and fall asleep forever, whose to say it would not be better than struggling here every day? I am, however, not suicidal, believe me when i say that. The future is such a long time, things are not as bad as they will ever be, but i simply don't see the point in living.
It's such a selfish thing to say, i don't see a point. It kind of slights everyone i know as not worthy of inspiring life, but i assure you, that is not my intention. The people around me are the only things that sustain me, keep me alive. Every single one of you is amazing. This is a problem i have for myself. Soemthing i have to defeat, on my own, in my own time. Don't worry, don't think this is a cry for help cause i all honesty, if you try to help, i'll prolly just end up hating you.
If it wasn't for the support of a dear friend and all of the kind words that i have recieved from him, i wouldn't even know what to do. Robert is by far one of the sweetest individuals in the world. To think that someone believes in me no matter what i do... who still roots for me, and has selfish reasons and not so selfish ones. Our correspondence and our general love for one another makes me continue. It makes me hate myself for thinking of death as a release. He is the one good thing that take for granted, and he was never granted mine.. but he could have been.
I don't like my life. I don't know many who do, but then i do know a few. We all complain, but usually, just do that as a way of release. I, truly, have a disdain for who i am. Perhaps it's the constant reassurance that i just disreguard. I don't take anyone really seriously. I feel so let down by human kind, it takes some proving to make me believe you. Anymore, i'd just rather skip it. Do i really need another person to worry about?
That's my problem. We always have to grow and want to meet more people. I don't. I'm done. For whatever reason. The answers, i don't have, and prolly never will.
I've experienced heartbreak in the past few days via a good friend. I'm glad i could be there for her in a way that she couldn't be there for me most recently. Not to say, she has not been one of the biggest support systems in my life. She's held me through perhaps the most horrible of my ordeals. But, this was bad, for her. I'd never seen her in such a state. It's painful to watch someone that in love be so hurt by it, and still willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to some kind of hope for a future with their past.
If i could wish for one thing, it would be to never cry again. I know that's impossible and at times, it feels nice to just cry. But, i'd still hope for a world without my tears. It just sounds like a better place. Somewhere i might actually want to live.