OnCe aT the BeGiNNing, OnCE aT tHe END

I really felt like i had a lot more to say than i actually feel like writing out. A lot has changed in the past few months. Friends were made, people tried to steal my life, friends were lost, some people realized that life is painful... one of those including me. I don't know. And isn't that just the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing. I always want to know. Thus, being one of my greatest downfalls, because i don't. You know you believe in love, and then love kills you. You know you have the strength to carry on, and then someone tells you they don't. How does a building continue to stand when the foundation it was built on disappears. Or is only the dead decay of once lively wood. I don't know. Again, that totally kills me. And the thing that hurts even worse is, it can't. But i will refute that... until life continues on again.
I kind of want to believe that i am an exception to the rule. I want to be hypocritical in the world at large. I know that somethings just don't happen. Things that obviously other people, it takes a very long while to realize. And then, i want a fairy tale ending. I want the thing that they hunger for, but i believe mine is real. Do i keep my exectations so low that i believe what i have is attainable? Not at all. So what is the deal with this? Because i honestly believe that i will get what i want when no one else is. They have the same tunnel vision that i do. I guess there are just some things you can see in candle light that you can't in any other.
I wish that i had all the answers. Not some, all. I wish that i was the go to girl. But with someone who is as nieve as me, who can't seem to figure anything out right. What the fuck is the point? I haven't been able to fix anyone for seven months. The problems before were simple. And sometimes, they weren't so simple. Heartache is one of the heardest diseases to cure. But i had healing power. Do i seem like a judgemental person? Because i really am not. I just want people to tell me the truth like they did in the old days. Do i come off as a person who doesn't really care, or someone you can't trust? Please don't say yes. But as days pass, i feel more and more inadequate for the challenges that adults face. Hell, even fot the challenges that my friends face. I suppose showing off your vulnerability really doens't do you any good. And for that i completely blame these online blogs. I mean, if i needed everyone to know that i was a basketcas this is the first place that you need to check. Really, these things are the devil. I hate them....
I also realized that my dying words would be "i'm sorry for everything" Like i had one last breath, i would spend it on those words. Even repeat them if i had a little excess air. Because in truth, i regret a lot. But even more than that, i really do feel sorry for everything in my life that had a negative effect on another person. I am sorry that i fell in love all of the times i did. I am sorry that i hated people and wished them dead. I am sorry that i couldn't help. All of the times i could have and didn't. All of the times i tried to help and failed. All of the times i lied, all of the times i told the truth and killed someone's dreams and or feelings. I feel regret for all of my actions that have had such a negativity about them. And i realize that everything that i have done in my entire life and hurt someone. Nothing i do these days isn't slowly killing someone. We were just put on this planet to kill eachother and make heaven seem like all to beautiful of a dream. My heaven is solitude. A bright and warm light where i never open my eyes, and i never feel bad again. Heaven is a feeling, not a place.
I need to write a letter. I need to show the world that i care. I need to tell those close to me that i will always love them. And tell them that i am sorry. It will not make any difference. They will brush my apology away like ash from a cigarrete. It doesn't matter. But i just have that feeling again. Like life is getting short, quickly. I just don't feel i am going to be here that long. I just don't want to. Life sucks entirely too much for a feeling like that. Few things i am grateful for in this world anymore. And at present there isn't a feeling in the world that i am happy about. Not one. I miss loves. They are so far away, most of them. Most of their problems, so big. So hurtful, I am such a wuss.
I think that over a phone nothing can be fixed. I say this nearly two months after Scott and i had the most major of breakdowns in out entire friendship completely by phone. I also say this after i wanted to give him something to believe in when he was home for break.... nothing. At leat i don't think. I wish it were different. But when your mind is on someon else, you can't be with anyone else. I still think that giving a hug is the only way that you can show how much you love someone without saying a word. Everything you have.... you just opened up yourself and made yourself more vulnerable than anything else. They could kill you right there... and sometimes they do. I just know that people can hold me and i know that things will be okay. No words needed. Sometimes that's the only way i believe that life gets better. Which is why a breakdown far from home just doesn't work anymore. I need to see people face to face. I miss them. I really do. I just want to hold them and let them know, i am sorry for everything.
Life never getsbetter. We are broken from the beginning and we spend out entire lives just trying to pick up the pieces. Along the way we find people that are capable of piecing things back together and they help. You feel that someday you will be whole again and when that helper leaves, they drop your pieces and it just keeps breaking. The pieces keep multiplying and get harder to see. Littler and littler... someday we will give up too.. a powder will be all that's left and they will cast it to the wind. We are all the same in the end... i would have it no other way.

i PuT On mY MaSCara SO ThAt i cAN crY iT aWAy

I don't know what it is about tonight, but i am in a great and general funk. So anything that i say on here, don't take it to heart, or do. I also don't care. But i don't care so much that i end up caring again. I am probably going to get all feely on everything that is around me, but i have just wanted to go home and lay on my bed and cry for the longest time. Out of sadness? Not really. Am i happy then? No, not at all. I don't know. It's this kind of sad indecison. I am in love. But i hate the world and everything in it. And i have the most hope of all the people i have talked to in the last few days. So tell me where it is that i belong. Please dear god, define me! Ghost reader, come back and talk shit to me. Tell me that i am a raging hypocrite and that i need to get a life. Go ahead, take your best shot. Tell me fact from fiction. Don't worry it will be alright, and so will everything. In time....
It was raining outside a few minutes ago and all i could think of was, it always seems to be raining when i decide to cry. I am having very vivid flashbacks of a few months ago when i got pissed at brandon and things with me and scott kind of collapsed. It was the day after scott had come to my house and told me that we would never be more than friends, but this, of course, is not the flashbacks that i am having. I remember going to bed and waking up only about ten times during the middle of the night. I would wake up and listen to "such great heights" by iron and wine, and "here's to the night" but eve 6. Throw a little trapeeze swinger in there for good measure and you had my play list that definately played for about 17 hours plus. I would turn over and look at the screen and get online and then get back offline. And then in bursts would come this overwhelming sadness. I had the feeling that life would never go back to the way that is was, and it would never be the way that i wanted it to be. Or the way i thought i wanted it to be. I cried. I sobbed. Out loud i let everything go. I was demolished. I had a longing for things to be the fairytale ending that i so desperately wanted. I was completely selfish. I didn't wonder where anyone else was, what they might have been doing. I got one text from scott that asked me how i was. I don't remember how i responded. But i remember looking out my window and the rain was pouring down and i cried. I didn't know how i was. I didn't know that i would ever be alright again. The only things that i could do were wake up think about how shity things were and then cry again. And fall back asleep. I don't know where the fuck my mom was. I didn't eat that day. I didn't do anything but lay in my bed. I remember feeling that i was never going to be happy again, which was a lie. I feel kinda like that now. My heart is breaking and i cannot put my finger on as to what it was that ruined me. Time washes away the pain my ass. I am only finding the patterns in static. And they are starting to make sense.
Dan made me a mix tape and he put the song "Helena" by Nickel Creek on it. I cannot get over this song. I have downloaded it to my media player and am comencing to listen to it over and over. It is already starting to burn it's words and tears into my head. I can't say that it is giving my hope, but it is making it easier to cry. It truly is a beautiful song and the vocals are to crystallic that i cannot imagine a better life. The only other thing that i would even consider listening to right now would be "Miniature Bombs" by Dan Stevenson. Pity fucking thing is that crazy ass selfish mother fucker hasn't recorded it..... bitch.
Why is everyone sad all the time? Because it is the easiest emotion to feel. To be happy takes too much effort, too much time. It drains my ass to shit. I can't take it. Being sad is so easy. I have also found it to be so gratifying. I don't know why. Because i can think more clearly through tear filled eyes possibly. Perhaps this is also the most emo post i have ever made in my life and i couldn't give a shit less. I love it. I fucking love every fucking minute of it. If i were never truly happy, there would always be the bittersweet, which is all to sweet indeed. I jut want to drift away into an expanse of water and drown. Or just feel the waves beat against my body. It it my idea of heaven. If there is such a thing, i just want to float on forever...
I am the saddest i have ever been because i have realized one and truly beautiful fact about the world. To love someone is to forget about yourself. To be a martyr. I want to give everything up to the world just so that someone else can be happy. I just want a time when everyone closes their eyes and smiles and knows that the world is good and they are loved. I love everyone so much that sometimes i think that my heart will burst. And they will never even begin to understand the love that i have hove for them. Who in specific might you ask? Well the same three gentlemen that i always have an affection for that will follow me until i die. Scott, Dan and Brandon. I cry when i think about them. Why do people in the world get to be so beautiful? Why does the look on their face make me smile in my sleep? Why do their sadest moments in life bring all of the strength out of me and pour into them? Why do i feel the need to look into their eyes and say with mine that they are loved? Because they are. I never want them to go away, and at this point in my life i think that the only thing that could take them away from me would be death. Not distance, nor anger, not even themselves would make me let go of them. I gave scott a hug the other night that i think describes just the way i feel towards them. I want to hold on and never let go. I want to squeeze them and feel them under my hands and know that i am loved and tell them that they are. Their lives are so miraculous and so filled with depression and saddness and beauty and life. They are my heros and they are the epitamy of life in it's truest form. They are always living, moving breathing, sometimes against their biggest wishes. And with all of these words i feel in my heart that i have done their love injustice. I can't scream it at the top of my lungs and make them know. I can't give them examples as to the amazing people they are. I am just so goddamn blessed. Who let me have all this? Why would i ever ask for another thing as long as i live? I don't. I ask for them. I ask for them for always.
I am so tired. The only thing that i can think their might possibly be left is that i wrote a character piece tonight and i couldn't be more satisfied. It has been so long. My muse has been gone so long. I don't know when it came back. But someday i will write a story about my life and it is going to be fucking amazing. I can't wait...