iT's NoT sO Bad, yOU'Re onLY thE BeSt i EvER haD...

I drove with the windows down today. It was raining in and my seat got all splochy, but i don't really care right now. There may have been other things that i should have been doing, like my homework, but i realize that there really isn't that much i have to do for my gold days. I watched the light change colors against the sky. It went from gray to a darker gray. The most beautiful part about it is i passed these pink flowers in a neighborhood and against the atmosphere they looked absolutely amazing. They reminded me of kissing Chad for the first time. It was the perfect shade of metallic gray and pale, yet strikingly beautiful pink.
I thought for the first time in a long time all about my life. What am i doing here? What do i want? What did i have? What am i missing? What am i doing? Sometimes i think that my life is one revloving door. The people come in and come out and i can't stand having a lot of people around. When i am surrounded by a lot of people, i find all of their faults so easily. I push people out the door even though i am quite certain they wouldn't mind staying. The truth is that i don't want to be attatched. I like remaining the aloof person that i am. When i have a project, i want to devote all of my time to that and i neglect every other aspect of my life. I can't have three sets of best friends. Last year, i focused on my college friends. I loved them so much and i was blinded by that love. I forgot everything that i had here, i didn't want to listen to reason. I wanted them and would kill for them. It now kinda seems like that never even happend. Someday, maybe i will feel like i own those memories, but for now they seem borrowed from a past life that i don't have a part in anymore. When you're in love, you're a different person.
I don't know what it is that i feel. That was something that i thought about today. I am sad, true, but why? Is it that i miss what i had? What i had was good, but it had so many faults. So many difficulties of which i couldn't even see. I toyed with the notion that i was still in love. I am in love with the past and the people that we were. It's more like a story, it's like my favorite movie. I don't feel like the character, but i understand them and have an affinity for them. I watch the story, so cute, and romantic, passionate, and then the ending comes and you pray for a different way. You pray that she won't get on that train, that he just won't die, that they can do what they promised and just be in love. But, it always happens, the way that the past just won't deviate from the plot. It ends, it always does.
I have reconnected with heidi in a way i didn't even know that i wanted to. It's like that beautiful thing just sitting there and you don't realize it until you just turn around. I feel that last year i pushed her out the revolving door, and she has forgiven me. She had some things of her own she needed to do too. She has and always will remain my best friend. She and i will catch up in minutes. I understand what she thinks and feels, sometimes it's almost like we are one person. There is only thing in our lives that couldn't be more different, The happenstances are complete opposites, but the way we handle situations is the same. I don't think she knows how much i love her and i don't know that she ever will. I have known her for over half my life. That is not such a long time, but when we look at it in fraction form, it is huge. Our friendship has passed the test of time. We have remained together through elementary school, middle school, and all of highschool. With all the moving around, i am amazed that we still have it and laugh like there is no hurt, like we have never criend, and like we will not soon be leaving eachother perhaps forever.
There is nothing sadder than watching someone walk away who has just left you. Watching the space between your bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence.
If i had to do this life all over, i would. I would live through every heartache again because i know that i would get that moment of laughter and amazing. I would live through those moments where i felt completely helpless because next would be that moment of feeling complete. Sitting on the rocks in the bitter wind after staying out all night, or laying around a boat talking about the future with your arms wrapped around the person that nearly tickled you to death. Loving every second you were able to steal. I stole that life, and i gave it back, or had it taken away again. I am grateful that i got to be someone else for a while, or was able to be myself for once. But it doesn't work being that person. Trial and error has taught us this. Thanks what was fun.
I didn't realize how much i fought for last year. I didn't notice until thinking back on it with my face wet sitting at that lake just how dramatic my life was. How dramatic my friendships were. There was always a problem. We never solved anything. I think that's prolly why we all sit at our computers now, miles apart in life. The funny thing is, i still never want to give up. I can't help it. It's just because of who i am.
August is drawing a close. I'll never get this back. The summer that changed everything in life. The things that i never thought would happen. The things i wished never would. And knowing i would do it all over, scares me. I am a bold child, even when i don't want to be. Either that or completely stupid. It's prolly the latter, but right now, what does it matter?
I mean something. This moment means something. This is the moment that i didn't die in that car accident. This is that moment that i didn't fall asleep. It's that moment that i chickened out in talking to an old friend. It's that time that i didn't call. I should have done my homework. I didn't bake my dad those cookies. It's that time that i remembered listening to those songs wishing i would die. It's that time that i listened to that song and remember saying goodbye on a balmy summer night at four in the morning. It was just thinking of how bright it was the day that we said goodbye. It was feeling the air escape my lungs when it ended. I was helpless, i still am.
I don't want to wait because i'm not waiting on anything. I have no promises of the future. I have an inescapable hope that is not justified. I have the past to base the future on, and that doesn't always work. I'm praying that feeling didn't just vanish. But it's been known to happen. Guess i'll just keep fighting. Maybe i'll win. Maybe i'll escape from here. If nothing else, i'll have lived without the regret.

THere aRe aDdictiOns tO fEeD and thERE arE MouThs tO PaY

Something i found out today, i am and always will remain the same person that i am. As much as i want to change and be the cynic that i so desperately wish i could be, i will always be an optomist. I will always beleive the best in people and i never give up. I have fronted for the past week that i don't give a shit what happens to those who aren't in my life anymore, but of course, we know that's not true. I love all of my friends, past and present. I just want things to be okay. I don't want to lose anyone. I always come back to life is too short to be so stupid. If i must spend three minutes a day, just a call that you may not answer, i tried. I will not wonder my entire life if i had picked up the phone what would have happend.
I met George Dill tonight. I have heard so many things about him. It's almost like i've known him for a year, although he it's completely different actually talking to someone and not just hearing stories and have people re-tell me things he has already said. He's a nice guy. He's a lot like all of the friends i have, being dan and brandon, ect. He's also smart. Pity he actually has his act together and is going back to college.
Today i started out with a relly bad moment. I was good laying in the sun until my dad came outside and told me my Nana went to the hospital. He didn't know why, or for how long, really anything. He just left me with the fact she wasn't doing well. So I layed there and thought about losing her. In turn, i lost it. And for some reason i thought of all the times i lost the people that i loved. And then thought about all the times i held on with all my strength. And for some reason i remembered New Year's. I thought about why i was there and then i thought about the deck. I remember fighting for my friendship. I was told that it was splitting apart. I tried to remember what i said. I remember not being able to fight it, i remember my words faltering. I remember that all i could do was hold on tightly with nothing but my arms and using all the energy in my body to bring back what was moving away. Back then the problems were so easy and i was not met with such resistance. Can i really win this time? Who knows, i'm going to try though.
I'm going to Cedar Point this week and i am going to see the counting crows on saturday. I am so excited. I can hardly contain myself. And then, school. It's going to be the best last week of my life.

LiVinG MiGhT MeAn TaKiNG CHAnceS buT theY'Re WortH TakiNG

I came home tonight from work and totally passed out. I was tired as balls and i didn't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything. And now, i really wish that i would have.
I had a dream that was so real i am having a hard time telling myself that it wasn't. I woke up in my car sitting in the backseat with Chad. He looked as amazing as ever and he was holding me, stroking my hair just watching me sleep. I said his name and he responded with "what hunny?" I asked him what he was doing here and he said that he just liked watching me sleep because i always looked so peaceful. He told me that i smile in my sleep and i look absolutely beautiful. I told him i'd been told that. He said that i did it because i was having a good dream and when i wasn't having a good dream i would toss and turn and sometimes he saw me cry and call out. I could just look at him and smile. He kissed me and told me to follow him. We got out of the car and walked out on to the beach. We were in St. Joe. He asked me if i remembered the last time we were there.
It was when we went to the Venetian festival and he mentioned my ring and the fact that i still wore it. He always loved it when i wore my ring. He said it was when he knew that he could kiss me.
We walked out to the end of the pier, walked up on the little platform and watched the water. I asked him again why he was here. I told him that he was dead and that he shouldn't be here. He responded with, "i know... but you know that's not true, here is exactly where i should be." I started crying and he told me not to. I should be happy because he was here. I shook my head and said i was happy. I told him i missed him very much. He said he knew. He said that he loved it that i still wore his ring. I told him i had a feeling he did. He said that he hated it everyday that i let scott have it. I was surprised that he knew who scott was. He said that he knew everything. It killed him to watch me in so much pain and know that he couldn't be there for me. He told me, "At first i didn't know about this guy. When you met him last year i could tell you liked him. I didn't know if he was good enough for you and a lot of the stuff he did i really didn't like. But he cared for you and i saw how much you meant to him. When you two finally got together i knew it was worthwhile and i have never seen you like that." I asked him what he meant. He said, "you smiled to yourself when no one was looking. You did that thing where you look at someone when they aren't looking. You did that to me too. You would always smile and watch me when really, i knew what you were doing the whole time." And then he laughed. He laughed that rich thick laugh that was like honey. He put his arm around me and looked out at the water. He told me that he missed me and loved me like crazy. I just put my head on him. He told me that things were going to get better the way they always do. I told him i didn't know. He said, "I worried that you were alone. But i've seen how many people care about you. You have some of the best friends i could ever hope you to have. And i know that you hurt. I'm not there. Scott let you down. But i still love you. And i know he does. Dan loves you and so does Brandon. From what i see, you're in good hands." I asked him what happens now. He looked at me and said that i'd move on. I'd always be in love, but it won't hurt anymore and i'll be happy again. I looked away and shook my head. He said, "You know, you don't have to let go right away. You can trust people. Not all of them are gonna break your heart. You don't have to be so strong." I told him that i did. And it never was enough. He just sighed. I told him that i tried to rely on other people. I tried to trust and i told the truth. And what happend? I was let down. He said, "it won't always be like that. Someone someday will be able to handle the truth, and love you despite it. Not all people are like Scott. He just, can't let go. But you knew that. Do you remember that i loved you despite your faults? It does happen." Then he put his hand on my face and said, "You deserve the best. You deserve someone that loves you that much." He kissed me one more time and then told me he was going to go. I begged him not to. I told i wasn't ready to let him go. He told me i didn't have to let go. He would always be there for me, he always had been, even when i wasn't thinking about him. He told me not to worry and that he would see me again soon.
I woke up in my bed, alone and looking out the window.
I can't explain to you how it felt so real. I needed to talk to him and know that he understood where i was. He cares. And he knows so much. I believe him. Things will be better. He always knew me so well. He really did love me. I know that he is in heaven. Prolly watching me write this. I love him.
I feel that i betrayed him by moving on. But, i haven't abandoned him. He's with me, in my heart for always. Some people just are.

whEN tHe CaSUaLty raTEs nEaR 100% tHERe isn'T a PeNsiOn FoR SeCONd beST

I can hear the train blowing it's whistle from so far away. And i can even hear how the cars are racing past on the rails. I used to live next to the train tracks back on Fairmont street. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when the train would go past the house. Everything would shake and the horn was so loud. After a while, it became the comforting sound. It meant that i was home. When we moved to the country, yes i considered Granger the country, i couldn't go to sleep because it was so quiet. I would lay with my head next to the open window and listen to the silence. There wasn't car noise or sounds of shouting and there wasn't the train. During that summer we moved i was sitting listening to the silence, getting used to it really and i heard it, just like i do now, a train, somewhere not so far in the distance and i smiled. I was home, and i finally felt it. The train always means home. For whatever reason.
It's one of the darker nights in a while. It's still warm, but the stars are nice. I think i see three.
Listening to Death Cab For Cutie, something that i just don't do much anymore. It reminds me of something that i can't quite put my finger on. Perhaps because it just reminds me of too much. Plans has this strange feeling attatched. I got my hands on it after everyone left for college last year and it was a perfect telling of my life and some of the connections with my friends. "We left our love in our summer skin..." i was afraid of that. It also reminds me of drivng to Purdue and even more than that drivng to Holland Michigan the day after my sister's wedding. Nearly falling asleep on the road. I was sad that day, i still don't know why. Also, Bella Vita. I went to the parking lot, i had left Scott and Brandon inside i was leaving, i was hurt because i couldn't understand. I felt more alone than i thought i should in a room with my best friends. I stared into an empty field and cried. Something i'll never forget, the bass line, never. Transatlantacism, it reminds me of being in love. Being afraid of not knowing what's coming next. The song Transatlantacism i think of sitting in Scott's chair, asleep, or half asleep and singing along. Just the refrain, "I need you so much closer" I couldn't, in my daze, remember the name of the song or who was singing, so i made myself remember those words. So i could figure it out in the morning. I was driving with Brandon after getting breakfast at the Four Seasons listening to the Passenger Seat. With my feet on the dash i lived that song, minus the stars. Had there been stars it would have been lived, again, because i assume Ben Gibbard lived it once already. I remember the Lake. Driving in Michigan just listening to the words and being moved. Where will i ever find that? It's the music full of memories. I'll never clense those notes of the emotions and memories of my life they have been stained with.
I was watching something, something stupid on TV. OH! it was the whole Mel Gibson anti-semite comment. Stupid. And this stupid bitch said i would forgive him if he can prove that he means his apology. He is going to have to prove through his actions that he is sorry, the words are not enough. Here is my problem. He only said anti-semetic comments. He didn't kill a jew or anything. So, why can't people accept an apology? Why does something always have to be proven? Why can't people forgive and forget? It's the stupidest thing ever. People say things that they don't mean sometimes. They are drunk, or worked up, or just are hurting and they don't know what else to do. I just want people to be able to work past problems. I want more forgiving humans, we are capable. I know it. Why can't we show it?
I was saving my summer reading work on my computer. And i made a new folder for it. It was added at the end of the alphabet of course and i read two items that were titled 'Scott' and 'Scotty'. I never go through my compy. I just do the work and save and i'm out. Quick, no mess. And out of curiosity i read the one titled 'Scotty'. I was warped back to a year ago and some change. It was the first discussion that scott and i ever had online. I told him everything and i realized that i loved him then. We were able to talk about it. We could have talked about anything. I reguarded him as one of the college kids i would miss so dearly. One that i loved and would lose. We were friends. He had sympathy for me, and respect. Something, i miss.
I saw him at Steak N' shake last night. First time since i kissed him. I looked at him. But my heart didn't leap out of my chest the way it did. I didn't have that nagging at my mind, like the way it does when you tell a lie. I wasn't lying or holding back. I gave him a hug and i felt like i walked back into an old suit. the friend suit. It was warm and familiar. And i was happy. I know now that a lot of what we had was romantic tension. He pumped me for information, always about Brandon. In our very first convo he asked me why he (Brandon) wasn't responding. Maybe he was just chasing Amy, maybe he just said something in the heat of the moment.
For the first time, at Pizza King tonight, i had to face the idea that perhaps my most beloved theory is wrong. It's chemistry. Once we react with someone, we always react. Somewhere a part of us will alway cling to another part of someone else, someone we loved and connected with. But, it can't be so because when i saw scott, i felt it was too late. That, what we had, faded. I didn't find amazingly attractive, or anything like that. I saw someone i used to know. An old friend. I fear that's what we'll always be, just old freinds that don't really talk, catch up for the sake of holding on to something that neither of us are anymore.
That was something i saw in the way we talked to eachother in that first instant message. I loved him last summer. I know that, i can say it, easily. From then, he changed, slowly at first, in my eyes anyway. I clung to him last summer. Beautiful in my memory. Infallible. I don't think i love him now. There was an air of mystery to both of us that i think kept us in eachother's lives. We truly cared about a perfect stranger because all we wanted to do was help. Was to have someone else who felt our pain. We weren't alone.
I found something in my drawer not long ago. Something i printed off and stuck somewhere i knew i would find again when the moment was opportune.
"chelsea locked her keys out of her car this morning, just before i was supposed to leave. so i floated her some 50 bucks and then we had the locksmith come out to my house and open her car...on an off note the bastard totally ganked my bed from me my last night in town. and chelsea you can't say anythingto this one so don't try lol. she goes 'i'll be back in forty minutes.' fifty minutes later i find her in my room, totally passed out. so booch and myself decide to go to sleep ourselves, i try and wake chelsea up by talking to her, but it literally didn't work. and i didn't want to be a douche and wake her up, sop i stuffed my asshole self back down and let her have my bed, and i slept on the couch. i really was looking foreward to sleeping in my bed, but after i saw how peaceful she was, i just gave up really easily. i don't know, i guess i'm just a nice guy, way way way deep down. just don't spread the word around lol.
"i've come to the conclusion that i really do hate a lot of people...i really do. but i love a whole lot more. there are a very few people in this world, that i've finally begin to understand. it doesn't matter what they do, i can never hate them, or dislike them. there are a very few people in this world that no matter what they did to me i would always be there, right beside them, to assist and help then and guide them if need be in absolutely any way that i can. there are a very few select people in this world, that if they need me, i don't care what i 'm doing, i'll drop whatever it is (however important) to go and help them in any way that i can. i've begun to understand what i feel is a new plateau, and era of love in my life. i won't call it unconditional, because who knows if it is, but i realize that the love i hold for some people is ridiculous in it's quantity and power. there are a very few people in this world that i will love forever, no matter what they did, where they went, or however distant they may want to be from me, for whatever reason."
-Scott Knevels.
i am just glad that not everything got erased from that site of his. Some of it was amazing, like this. That excerpt is on a page with the interpretation of that weekend or some common thread if you will from both mine and brandon's blog or xanga. It basically outlines the way that we loved eachother and were friends, for forever in our minds at least. But who the fuck can see forever? Apparently not us. but we did love. It's things like that i miss. Doing anything for eachother. We would have done everything.
There is a reason that photographs fade.
I don't want to fall in love anymore. I don't see the point. It hasn't lasted. Not even with friends. The unconditional love we might have had, it's just a memory. And i am praying more than anything, that someone will prove me wrong.