wE LeFT ouR LoVE in OuR sUMmEr SkiN

I've said a lot of things i wish i hadn't... i've thought a lot of things i should never have thought... a lot of things bother me about the craziness that goes on inside of my head. But what's worse is what goes on inside my heart. We all try to be good people. Believe that we always do things with the right intentions and that we would never hurt someone for personal gain. I was wrong. I never even thought that i was right. But, today, sitting at my desk in Geometry, i was thinking. I never do anything in that class, but that is totally besides the point.
I assume it is the same way that a basketball player goes over the film a million times. Or the vivd image of that state championship game in which they took the winning shot. The one thing that would have forever changed them from being a runner up to a champion. I do that all the time. I can close my eyes and go back as far as i want to. Climbing through the trees at my uncles where the creek runs out of the forest; touching the trees and pretending i was a pixie. I can go back to a few summers ago and i am sleeping in chad's arms in his room. I can hear his heartbeat keep tempo with the rain that fell on the window. I can go back to a rainy day last summer some time in July. I was on a playground. I should have gotten out of the car. I could have done anything. But still, i am only a runner up, not a state champ.
And that's when people ask you, more like tell you in a puzzlig way. Everything happens for a reason. More importantly everything doesn't happen for a reason. And that quiets the wandering for about five seconds. Then you wander back in time again. Does this mean that the brain can travel at the speed of light? There is no way that i could feel things so vividly without traveling back in time, if not in body, at least in mind.
I guess sometimes i forget that there is living to be done. I run from one place to the next and can't find any relief in anything. I should remain an island for a while because i cannot decide what i want. I am toying with people's emotions. It's not because i don't have the sincerest of intent, it's just that intent changes so frequently. I have honest to god genuine feelings... about a lot of things and a lot of people. None of which seize any type of opportunity. No one is chasing me, but i'll keep running until someone pins me down. Reawr.. indeed.
I have to leave for work in about 15 minutes. It's not like i am going to be there long anyway...
There is just something so appealing about my bed, yet i can't bear the thought to have one more dream. I need to get a life. A real one this time. I am tired of running away from every type of security and responsibility. And creating a ton of tasks that are just so fucking useless... Oh come away with me... I'm gonna fall head over heals this time. And it's gonna be with someone who can follow me. The past was really nice. And in my mind they will always be perfect men. It's just where my mind meets reality where there have to be definite similarities. I'm getting closer. And lets face it... some will just never feel the same. Just because i may have a huge crush on Jake Gyllenhall does not mean that he will love me back... the same rules apply. We'll try this forget and move on thing one more time... what else can i do?
Oh how genuine we can be when we are miles and miles apart. Show me with your face and your actions that you can mean what you say.
*I will shed what was left of my summer skin.*

AnD sO iT is... JuSt LiKE YoU sAiD it WOuLD bE...

***For an understanding of how much music i go through during one post all astrics will mark a new song and give the title... and now that i read it, how fucking awesome because alll of those songs were luck of the draw. I have the media player on random, and how appropriate those are...
It's 8:11 on a sunday. I have not gone anywhere today after work. I went straight home and it feels like shit. I never really realized how i am in constant contact with human beings, specifically those of the opposing gender. Today, i woke up at five and went to breakfast. I loved every second. Even the ones that i wasn't concious. *Brand New: Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis* But then i came home and went to work. All i do on a sunday is work. Open to close. And this is why. I can't stand being alone. I fear it more than anything else in world. I wanted to have a good time, i wanted to see someone. I had some things to say. I made contact, but they had something "better" to do? I would've kissed you. Just wanted to get that out there. But that does not erase the fact, i really wish i was at work right now. Granger IN is the lonliest place in the world for a single white girl on a sunday night...
Brandon has found himself a lady friend "wink wink". *William Fitzsimmons: Foresake all others* I am so happy for him that i literally may bust. Sometimes it's just nice to see a friend happy. Perhaps it is the way that i feel fake happy being passed around that gives that bad after taste in my mouth. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people i have a hard time believing anymore. Whatever is all i have to say to that. * AFI: A story at three* And at this moment when i have nothing to do, i am trying to remember what it was that i used to be doing at this time so i can find some enjoyment... this is where i run into problems.
On any other sunday i would be hanging out with brandon. Any other time that i am not at work or working on some kind of project, i would be hanging out with brandon. It is not a hard stretch to make that he is my best friend. I spend all free time with him, we were companions in times when we missed our friends. We were the only people who knew the stories, loved the people, fought about how much we loved these people. I still maintain i love dan more than he does, but whatever. Still, now that he has Jessica, our lives aren't going to be the same. His free time will be spent with his girlfriend. But don't believe that i am that stupid, i know we are still great freinds. *Dashboard Confessional: Shirts and Gloves* We always will be. But the simple fact is, we will not be the same. We aren't the only thing eachother has now. He has someone now, and i have been fighting the idea of finding someone because i believed that i was too busy. Guess what? I'm not busy anymore. I am by no means up beat, so please don't congratulate me. I am going to miss the constant friendship business... but it can't last forever... nothing can.
*The offspring: Denial Revisited* There's something else that i think i have realized. I simply don't miss my friends that much anymore. I mean, that was one big thing that me and brandon had to cope with, they were our lives. But here is the thing, they went away to college, things changed. No, some aren't as great of friends with me as they were when they left. It's all a matter of times that someone can test your patience before you believe them. Someone tells me that this all has happend before and that there is no way that we can remain friends forever, you know what, i now believe you. I will not know you in ten years, but i can still name a handful that i will... so kindly fade into the dark... i will not miss you the way i once did.
As i was siting with dan in steak n' shake on friday night, he talked of his plans for summer. They come home in may. I was not expecting that early. But it's something i will deal with. Honestly, i will not be ready for the, not even fucking close. *Counting Crows: Mr. Jones* I mean when they come home for a weekend, my life is turned upside down and i elaborate on this in a moment. But he talked of plans and i know that i will not see people very much this summer. This will be the deciding summer in the rest of our lives. Who will i see? Who won't i? I think this is the last big hurtle for a while. Basically it comes down to this, either i will see them and repair the damage that distance has done to us, or we will crumble like broken building that nothing can fix. Dan wants to be gone all of July. I will miss him like no one's business, but will not be able to follow him. Brandon may join him on his journey, i can't say i know. Scott i think wants to, but then again life has plans for us we cannot see. I will be surrounded by love or by nothingness. The thing about is that hurts the most is that i have no choice. It's still so many months away, projects, finals, SATS, all of that away, and yet... i can't stop thinking that this could be the end of my life as i know it at this point. As quickly as life is given to me, it changes. I almost want to cry... and by almost i mean... cry.
*U2: Grace* Okay, about the life being turned upside down, okay. I have a life here in this little shithole known as Granger IN. And it consists of school and freinds and Brandon. It has for four months. It used to consist of so much more, a scott and dan and ian and ben... it was a virtual different world. It was backyards and endless nights. Warm weather and love. The i was ripped out of this heaven. I was left with a school, brandon, and friends. I got used to it.... but it took a very long time. Every once in a while my life would be tunred up ficking side down and i would be shaken. Basically anytime someone came home to visit. Then i was put back in heaven for a short while, or at least some form of it. Then i would be ripped out again. It hurt a lot... then the people just stopped coming... i suppose it was better that way. So i formed a life here. One that i like. Then christmas break came and i was shredded. I was literally broken. At moments like this i realize i am still not healed. I just want that pain to end. *Goo Goo Dolls: Black Balloon* It never will. Still, then my world changed forever. Ian came back into my world. It took some adjustment, but i absorbed it, and i became happier. And i just sense that everytime people come back to visit it hurts too much. It's why i resisit spending time, and i regret it later that i haven't. I fear more than anything their return in May. I don't want them here because i don't want to be that happy again. I don't want to be that destroyed when they leave me again. Some say they won't leave. Some say they may stay. I don't know... but it takes so much work to make this life function. *Blink 182: Reckless Abandon* I just don't think i am capable of absorbing all of this all at once. It was some how different last year. Last summer... i suppose it was the knowledge of where they were going to be. Without that reassurance, i am not as willing to take the chance.
And i am fucking crazy because i still think of Seattle. I am still going. *Brand New: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot* It will be one year from today that the first payment will need to be made. I doubt that scott and dan will be able to make it. I just think the cost is so much. And both of them are so broke. And i can't afford to pay for them. I want them to be there so badly, and i want it to be all of the magic that i know it holds. I am unsure about tomorrow, yet i can be so sure of this... i don't understand. I wonder if we will be such great friends, a lot. I have so much faith... but actions make me think twice. Oh gut instinct, can't you be the right one for once? Here and now i say this, it will only be the four of us. And if they fade from me, me and kevin have already discussed this, he will go with me if you won't. This is not a threat. It a reassurance to myself that i will not be alone... i won't be alone.
*Kings Of Leon: Holy Roller Novacaine* Why are humans such fallible creatures? I wish that we weren't. I wish we were more than what we were. I wish that we could change, that we would change. I mean, there are only so many times that we go over the same path before it gets old and we just turn our back and take a new fork. We meet new people, we leave those of old behind, not forgotten. Like a chapter in our life. Like the natives to the lands that Gulliver traveld to. *K's Choice: Virgin State Of Mind* I'm moving over the same grass time and time again... someday i will move on. I can't even think of when i shall try. I pray that i won't. But how can grass change what it is? All of this prarie around me... i'm searching for the ocean. HOw parched i am... my thirst shall never be quenched here... when is my day?

I doN't WannA BE fOOL heARteD

I truly wonder if this blog isn't something of a summer thing with me. I don't know what it is about it, but everytime i am here, i long for it to be summer with a passion that is unmatched in anything else that i do. Maybe it's the color, i know it's not the title. I can't even remember what the old title of my blog was. If i could i think i would probably repost it. I'm quite sure that i was in love with it. There is so much on here that i wouldn't be able to remember if it weren't for this site. That is a a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Everyone eventually needs to let go of the past to explore the future... if it weren't so hard i know a lot more of us would be doing more living.
Yet there is some things so inheritly comfortable about the past. No one likes change. Or at least no one in my general circle of friends. Everyone is just waiting for the next big thing to happen and then everyone complains when it finally gets here. Any realization that we have had, anything that we have fought for so hard, never seems to come. There is always one more thing we could have to done to make it happen, one more anything. Maybe the moral of the story is that no one wins. But we keep fighting anyway. We want to be an exception to the rule.
I think that it is perfectly fine to have conflicting emotions about life. There is no spectrum that one person fits into perfectly. To say that this person is negative and always is looking at the bad things in life, and this person is positive because they are optomistic is impossible and stupid. Every human on the face of the planet is a raving hypocrite. Even me, someone so perfect, is a hypocrite. (Also a bit of a joker.)
There are moments in this life that i believe all existance is futile. There is nothing left to be done. We can make no impact on other peoples lives what-so-ever, which is really all i have ever wanted to do, and this ususally spawns from when i have a disscussion with someone who just can't believe in life. Sometimes it spawns from having disscussion with someone who is so peppy i think how blind they must be to not see all the heartache in the world and how much they really don't realize what is going to happen to them in a few short years. Those people are mostly involved in relationships that they think will last forever. I pray that they could prove me wrong and they will be in love forever... it has not happend yet.
Other times, i think that there is no stopping life. We have so much possiblity and that true love and everything is destiny. It's real, we are fated. This is usually when i start that conversation with people afore mentioned and i want to make them believe. I want to give something to believe in. I want people to believe in me the way that no one else has ever made them believe. It's that spark that everyone needs from life to keep on living. If we weren't needed anymore, what the hell are we still doing here? I know that when i become useless, i want to die. I don't want to live a life that i know has no purpose. Right now, i am living a life with purpose, whether you realize it or not.
We all want to change ourselves. Somewhere along the way everyone got confused. Some of us want to fit an ideal, belong to this major or that major. We all fit a certain style. I am indie rock. I wear T-shirts from the Goodwill, i buy suitjackets, i wear jeans and cargos and hippie pants. I listen to a certain style of music more than the others. Why? Because i want to. Because it is who i am. All of us just want to fit into that category of who i am. Some are punk. Some are goth. Some are emo. And when anyone uses the argument, "i am nothing. I don't conform to a group" that is a blatant lie. You may not conform on purpose, but this is a society, and there is no such thing as a completely rebel group that does not stand for anything and does not wish to be anything. The only group that fits that are the dead. They have no aspirations they have peace. Everyone in the living realm is still fighting their battles. Whether is be battles against odds or eachother, even against themselves everyone still fights. Some win, some lose, some have no choice but to fight all of their lives.
I was in seminar today and i said the most pessimistic thing anyone did today. I remember that we were talking about racism and how it still exists. After witnessing all of the fighting and the suffering that many African Americans went through, why do things like reactions to the oj trial and the rodney king beating still happen. Why is this a split society when it comes to white and black? After all of the legislation why does segregation and racism still exist? I said because no matter what laws you pass or how many times you preach it in classes across the country, you cannot change the minds of the people. There is no law that says they can't have racist ideas in their head and there would be no way for the government to enforce it. This all starts with us, the people who perpetuate the cycle with every insensitve racial slur that we make. It's imbedded in our culture to make fun of other culutres. We find comedy in the differences and point them out whenever possble. We are the reason that there will never be equality, we simply don't want it badly enough... The teacher tried to recover saying that as each generation moves along, we become more accepting and our generation is unlike the previous... i don't think it worked. I don't think it should work. It's hard to look at the world for what it is and realize that nothing is changing. The negative is almost impossible to erase.
Today i am a pessimist. I nearly cried in class for saying something so awful, but i find that the truth is the most awful thing that exists. Nothing good has come from it thus far. I don't see it. Lies keep everything safe, they always know how to protect me...
I Love you all... goodnight.

mY LiFE cHAnGEd...

Don't want to get your hopes falsely up, it's not really true. My life hasn't changed at all. But i really love that song by william fitzsimmons that says that line. The whole thing is, "since the day that you were hit by that car, my life changed" I guess that is all to pertinent to my life. I guess that's something i am just going to have to get used to... And i never will. So don't get your hopes up. I'll only have them come crashing down to the floor again. I do that alot. With hearts, dreams, ambitions, a lot dealing with other people. But there is no way that i am going to fix myself. I don't even have the drive to do any of my homework anymore. It makes my life more interesting trying to scramble in the day finding excess minutes to do the homework i just haven't finished for the following hour. That's how i now live my life on the edge... sad as hell and i don't even care.
I am turning in the greatest character piece i may have ever written tomorrow to Mr. Sauer. I really like his class, but his writing style and the things that he enjoys sometimes get me. I fear that he will rip it to shreads. I don't think i could reformat it and turn it in again if he says no. I think iwill just keep it on this blog and realize that it was not meant to live in the real world. It's so beautiful in my mind, but i am taking a chance. It's something that i just don't do enough. If i am supposedly so fucking eloquent about the way i phrase things, then this should be a piece of cake right? Not really because the paragraphing is weird and there are a ton of punctuations. I don't know if i would call them errors because they are technically all supposed to be there... i don't know. But i will know soon.
It's very hard to just have a conversation anymore. It's like writing a letter, you have nothing to go on but yourself. It's almost like talking to yourself, not always about yourself, but sometimes. I could really go for never talking again. I felt that way only fifteen minutes ago. I feel like i have said everything that there is to say. I also wouldn't get in nearly as much trouble if it weren't for the fact that i open my mouth when i shouldn't. It's a crazy idea, but a vow of silence would seem right up my alley. How many times can you say the same things over and over before you realize how boring they are. I never want to be boring. That's why i am always keeping you guessing.
I had chocolate for the first time today in perhaps the longest stretch of time known to man. It was pure chocolate. I don't know why that is such an amazing thing... it really isn't I guess you forget how much you love something when it is out of your life for so long. Things, feelings, people. It's all the same idea at heart. But then when you have a lot of them, you just are tired of them. They never excited you the way that they used to. I wonder sometimes how people can be in love forever and never get tired of the person they were with. Shouldn't time just make it impossible for tow people to remain so devoted. Perhaps it is just that i still have the attention span of a child... but i really don't think that's it. How can a person have the attention of s six year old and a patience of a sixty year old?! It doens't make any sense... i see this post is starting to fail at life as well...
I am really tired. I feel that i just don't update this enough. I really should put my everyday happenings and random conversations on here... Something is always holding me back though.. i a, sure one day i will figure it out. Until then i am going to listen to willaim (just another reason to name my son that) and adam. William Adam... that sounds pretty good actually. Either that or Adam William. I still like the first better...
To everyone i wish you pleasant dreams.