TuRn mE Back iNto thE PET i wAs WHen We Met, i WaS hAPpiEr thEn WiTh nO miND-seT

I'm really kind of tired right now, and i don't know what i am thinking, but i am definately thinking something. Isn't it weird how we do that?
I hate having extended periods of time off of school because i get so damned bored. I never hang out with people because, i don't know. I go out to lunch, but i feel like i don't really do anything.
In hopes of something i am having a get-together with the kindala from school. A christmas thing of sorts, but really just an excuse to take pictures of people with my camera.
I don't really know what i want from life, anymore. I would say i want to get crunk, but i think that's a total lie... maybe. It's just so confusing.
I can't believe this is it for most of us. My next two months are going to fly by and then i am going to be in the month of march. Then april, spring break, may, and graduation. I am surprised, and kind of dreading the next month. There is so much with robotics that i just don't want to deal with, and the musical which quite literally will kick my ass. I will feel so unrested and so pissed off most of the time. Prolly lose all of my friends that meant anything to me, and then leave, not for seattle, and hate college. I so hope that is not the truth. But it's going to suck if it is.
I don't want to be fat and unhappy when i grow up. It's something to think about for the future.
I have the most random days. I see people at work and then they leave. I have the most random thoughts, dating back to four years ago that i remember with scarily accurate detail. It seems to do me no good. I have the weirdest dreams. And they seem to also do nothing for me. I find the hardest time finding the reasons for things. Everyone is so busy, kids being around, chilun bein home, people dating people, people being gone. I want to learn something, i want to start things now so they will be over later.
It's thursday of break and i still have so much that i could be doing and things that i would rather be doing. I can't go to lake anymore, i don't have that special person to make out with whenever. David's sweet ass is back in town i can feel it, he's happy. Evan's in minneapolis, i pray for his g/f he don't make out with Kate, and i have some faith in the kid... i don't know if it's enough. Heid's remains to be seen, and you know what i have almot no patience. It's such a bad thing to have.
I have the urge to go to the gym, but i don't want to drive. It's so goddamn cold outside. I guess that i will just have to go to my room, listen to so super depressing music and reflect on life. Wow, that sounds like the absolute worst idea in the entire world.
I somehow feel that i keep tapping a dry well. I feel like there is nothing to do here and i just want to go someplace crazy, do something nuts, and come home. I feel like it might give some kind of meaning to my life. I am out of things to pierce, and i can't very well cut my hair off. It's not logical.
I miss my dreams of seattle. I miss my time in seattle. I miss seattle. I want to go walking through the rainforest again and hang out on the beach. There was so much walking to do out there, so much rain. I think i'll just try living on coffee for the rest of my days.
I hope that next year brings me more than this one did.
I have never expirienced as much and felt as numb and disconnected from the world as i did in this year. I was filled immediately with heartache and regret as the beginning of last year began with the introduction of Maggie Fisher. Someone i have almost altogether forgotten about. She came in and fucked up my friendship with Scott, something that never fully recovered. Then things got better, i hated maggie. I became better friends with brandon and dan and lost touch almost completely with scott. Then ian came home. I spent so much time with him. Was convinced i liked him again, and i waited, for anything. And then, nothing happend. Time passed, i'm pretty sure that spring break happend. Dan came home, made out with dan on the rocks, dan went back to college after a week that i spent bouncing from work to school and didn't talk to dan, causing slight akwardness. Then dan started dating jenna, nothing happend to me. I went through an intense period of miss and i realized one and final time that i was not over scott. I told him, and he told me he had stopped liking me gradually since college and by december it was completely gone. I cried, i don't think i ever cried more than i cried that night in april. Scott went back to college, he and i got into it one night on the phone and we proceeded to not talk for two months. I got over him, i really did and my life began again. I made more friends, senior friends, i reconnected with the kids in town. I fell in love with my life again. Then the kids came home. Scott and i talked, fake made up, and remained at odds with eachother. One night, i called him, and just wanted to talk. We ended up talking unitl nearly two in the morning. I hung up the phone, and plugged it into the charger, back when my room was in a completely different configuration. I smiled to myself and then realized what i was thinking and told myself out loud just so it might sink in "don't go there again chelsea, just be his friend." And i went to bed. We continued talking, just about our lives and i felt like we were becoming friends all over again. Things in life were good. I was invited up to the lake by scott, brandon and dan were there, after i got off work. I went up there, hung out, it kept getting later, curfew came and went, i walked to my car with scott and that's where we kissed. He walked back down the hill and was chewed out for three or four hours, sent me a txt, and the next day we decided, it wasn't a mistake. I dated scott for almost a month, made out with him most of the time, and, just like apparently everyone knew, we broke up. Huge fight, big heart break, sinking hole of depression. A weak moment, ended friendship and hatred from his end to mine began. School started, just in time to save my life. Alienation developed between me and brandon and we didn't see eachother for perhaps the longest month of my life. School commenced and chamber choir took off. It also took hold ot my life. I made so many new friends and grew the connections i had already had with those i loved. I had a crush on Mitch, a retard hick that i only realized after it was obviously clear. Then i gave up on love, rather uncerimoniously. Then i just got bitter and decided having as many friends as i could would be the best idea. And i spend all my time hanging out with david and a lot of time with evan, realizing they are some of my best friends. So now my dad lost his job and i have done a complete 180 of my life. Look at all that shit... that's my life, in just the past year. I think that pretty much sums up my mind and every possible thought in it. This should make for an interesting dream.
I think it's all we can do. Robot chicken? Why the hell not?

dRinK uP BabY dOwN, Mmm ARE yOu iN oR ArE You OuT?

I'm convinced that my family has gone absolutely crazy. One says something that pisses off something else, and it's just one huge bitch fest in a matter of seconds. I really love christmas. I'd love it more if it weren't a time we were supposed to spend with family. Someday, maybe i can deal, but while i'm still a 17 year old, i'm not ready.
My dad lost his job. At first i was extremely worried and upset about it. Now i just wish people would stop giving him shit about being out of a job. That has also been a source of tension this holiday season. And i am just tired about it. But i really don't know what i am going to do, what our family is going to do now. We can't live on one income alone. And i don't know what my dad is going to do now.
I got a digital camera for christmas. That pretty much made my day. That and it's a fuckin sweet camera. It's a cannon power shot and i have been trying to figure out just how it works all day. I love this much. It's just a new thing every time i play with it.
But, I am kinda tired, now. Watching SNL from the 70's with the original not ready for prime time players. Pretty good. Nostalgic at least.
I slept in today. I have to work every day this week. That's going ot be good and suck all at the same time.
I don't know what it is that i want to say. I feel like there should be something. I just want to rid my mind of everything that i could be feeling. But i am fairly deviod of emotion at this moment. I am just in a neutral mode. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to laugh with them, i just want to visit. I don't think i'll make it to heidi's it's just so far, that half a mile.
I want to listen to music real bad. I want to see The Holiday again because it has so much truth in it without being real life. I watched The Family Man last night. Not an amazing movie, but if you've seen it, you know there is something there.
I just want to say that i am watching the reunition of Simon and Garfunkel on SNL and this is music. If there ever was anyone that could come close to these men they would be amazing. This is what music should be. Just a little harmony and an acoustic guitar. They were great together, they complemented eachother and they created music unlike anything else. I don't know if i was ever listening before, but i don't ever want to stop listening. This makes me happy, these people. This is the music that i wanted. I love this... this is my merry christmas. And i hope you find yours.

dO YOu SuppOse tHaT i wOULd cOMe RunNinG, Do yoU sUPPoSe i'D cOme aT aLL?

It's another time when i clean out the cob webs and let all of my past posts that i could just never finish, that i just forgot about and saved as drafts, free. We'll do this now, before i go to sleep.
7/27/2006
Do you ever get the feeling that you're trying to hold on to something that is already gone? I get that feeling all the time. I get that feeling more and more as time goes on. But shouldn't i get to fight. Don't I get a say in how all of this ends?
10/16/2006
tHe DuSt hAS oNLy juSt beGuN tO fORm cRop CiRCLes iN thE CaRpeT
I worry about robotics, a lot. I got an e-mail from langfeldt cancelling the work for PTO concessions on friday and i just felt very depressed about it. I had that defeatd feeling and then after fighting with him for a half an hour today, as a team, it just sunk in even lower. We got the right to do the concessions again, but we have to organize it completely on our own and Langfeldt is not going to say another word about it except for the amount of money that we might raise from it. That and i feel like the iSold it fundraiser is doing absolutely nothing, especially since after two days we have collected a lamp. One lamp. Kids don't donate, that's my conclusion. Now i am trying to wrack my brain to find any other way to raise money.Now, you would think that would have meant that i had a horrible day today, but no. I got a good grade on my Calc Test and i kicked some serious ass on my Psych test today. Even in robotics i finally sat down with Sean and we figured out the slide show for the SAE meeting. That and we talked about class and he had such a good outlook on it that it made me feel a lot better. He's really a nice guy. Kyle talked to me for a few minutes and made me feel better, even Steve and i had a few words at the end of class and shared a much needed laugh. Today was just one of those days that we connected and it felt good.Today, and right now, i miss seattle a lot. Just thinking about the city and how gorgeous it is, i wish i was there right now. Seattle is so urban, but i don't feel like the world is passing me by there. It's a relaxed and lovely place. Who wouldn't want to go to college there, or live there, and die there. It makes me smile to think about it. I just want to walk, i could probably walk forever in a long winter jacket with a scarf. If it rains, an umberella and boots, looking at everything so green and beautiful. Yes, i just want to go walking... and i like how it's now raining outside.
12/04/2006
iF i kiSS yOU wHErE iT's SoRE WouLd YoU FeEL bETtER, wOuLD yOU fEEL AnYthinG at ALL
It's cold in this room, but i don't feel like going anywhere else. In fact, the cold is kinda nice. Today i was walking out to my car after practice with David and Evan, and it felt so nice to walk through the snow. I had on my sweet grey coat and my nice wool scarf and my lovely sandals; it made me love the winter, at least for now. That and there is just something about laughing in the snow, walking with two of your best friends that makes you feel like life means something, in this moment. I then drove David and Evan to their cars, and somehow that was also fun. Nothing at all means almost everything.This week is going to be a lot of hell, but right now, i am pretty satisfied with the way things are working out. I wish i wasn't so tired, and i just wish that there was more time. All of these concerts are going to be fun, I can tell. I dont' care what people say, i have a good time performing. I don't love choir but i love the rush. Investing emotion and getting so much back is something i would rather do than feel like complete shit the entire time and hate it.I'm not ready for this year to be over, but it almost is. Half way there and i feel like i just got here. I don't know what i want to do, how i am going to make it through this and not miss it all terribly.
But now a little of the present after all that of the past.
My computer screen is moving a little bit. Just slightly up and down, i see it in the reflection of the light coming through the window. It's moving with my heart beat. I know, weird, and really interesting to me. But i am easily interested, that's a lie, btw. But i guess there's nothing you can do.I feel a lot cleaner right now than i did. I'm not back at pristine comfort yet. It was one hell of a week. Chamber choir had four performances i think. This was right after finishing our own concerts on sunday, man was that a bit of hell. Then on tuesday we performed almost a full set for the 8th graders. they came to penn for a shortened version of our december concert and it was draining, but at least then we didn't do anything in choir. It was relaxing. Then on thursday we had a performance at the Lion's Club at lunch and then at 5:15 we had to be at the GCC for a performance at 7:00. I was so tired after that performance. Plus there had been musical try-outs the day before and i made chorus. That audition proved to be a little draining, i won't lie. Then yesterday was a full day of school and a performance right after at the Mendoza school of business at Notre Dame. I went home immediately and wrapped my dirty bingo gift and went to the Hollaway christmas party. It was fun, and i wore myself out playing Disney Charades, and then i went to Lauren's Christmaka party for a very short period of time because, shit man i was damn tired. I then went home and passed out.
Now here i am. Last week before christmas break, only one more performance at O'Shaunasey hall, a huge paper due, a test in econ, a calculous final with two parts, and a little musical practice stands between me and the finish line. I am going to get this done. I am bound and determined to make it, like i almost always do. I hope i finish strong, i just want to sleep forever and enjoy the time that i have off. I am only six months away from graduating. Scary thought... these are the days i am going to look back on when i am thirty with two children and a husband. This is it.
More good times are to come, yeah, but i'm growing up. I would never have to go to school again if i didn't want to after this year. I will, but the option, sure is nice.
I'm going to take another hotter bath hopefully.
January and February are going to kill me. I'm just letting everyone know now.