daMN i hATe mYsPaCE

I don't know what happend. I haven't updated this in the longest time. And now that that week of hell and working every night until like twelve is over, i have so cushy sleeping time and fun. Ahh, the life is better even though it fucking sucks. Don't understand? I never said you had to. But i think since it is daytime i will shed a little light on the subject at large. No offense to any of the parties involved. I am just tired of.... everything.
Well there was that entire week of school and the inevitable depression that was caused by it. Also a lot of lacking in the sleep department. I can count on both hands and no help from my toes the number of hours that i got to sleep. Yea, it was hell. But i finished. And after tuesday was over, the time seemed to slip all away from me. It was alright. I didn't even cry that much.
This entire time my friends had come home from purdue and IU. It was so grood to see them. I missed them so much. I think if it weren't for the few hours that i was able to spend with them everynight after getting off of work, i wouldn't have made it through the week at all.
Monday: Had school that day. In the morning i was walking around with bernice and we saw J shook. She proceeded to tell me that she has seen ian in the building. Bernice had told me that ian was in town and how she had seen ben. I was so excited and we decided we had to try and find him. I knew bed would be there. somehow. But we went down tech hall and started up the stairs to Anadons room and she looked in and said, no they weren't there. But she had looked in the wrong classroom and when she looked in the one next door, she said "There they are!!" So we went in and i got a huge hug from ian and ben picked me up. *sigh* that was the perfect start to my day, seriously. That was also the day of the art gallery in which we totally Pwnd the other gallery. I really did love this project and i can't wait to get back all of the friggin sweet artwork i did. It's very much worthy of my wall. That was near the end of the day. I think this may have been the only day that i didn't fall asleep in the middle of it. I had to work after school. Boo! But oh well, i think i had a good time. Except that Jessica had gotten attacked by a pit bull and had to have someone cover for her.. such shit by the way. I originally just talked to ian and wanted to go out to someplace with him. I hadn't seen him in town yet. I knew that Maggie and Lynden were coming into town so i wouldn't see scott or dan possibly even brandon that night. But to my surprise when ian and i arrived at SNS there they were in a booth in the smoking section. yay! I got a mediocre hello. I won't lie. But handshakes area always a welcomed thing. Maybe... hmm... the past kinda has called for amazing hellos, but i believe that dan has made up for that time and time again because evey hello has a hug attatched. But yes, i saw them and we stayed there for a little bit and then decided pool would be grood. So we all went there. I had to leave so that i could get home by one o'clock in the morning. Plus yea, i had school. It happens.
Tuesday: Nothing much at school, i think.. i had my spanish speakin final which i had forgotten to study for. It was kinda a surprise final. I was fine with that. After i froke out of course. Then it was just a bunch of wasting day. This was also the day that i fell asleep hardcore in every single one of my classes. Ahh!!! I woke up so many times and didn't know where i was. That is kinda a scary thing. I won't lie. But after school, I went to see Elizabethtown with Heids in the dollar theater. . After that movie, I just feel kinda at peace, and.. i can't really describe it. I feel good. Almost the way i do after Gardenstate, only not as intense. Damn i love Garden State. But after that i went to Pizza kinga cause that was where the action was at. Then Brandon, Dan, Lynden, and Maggie went to Denny's with me. That was awesome and i totally decided that i lurv Lynden and Maggie. Woot to me. Oh and them.
Wednesday: I don't really remember it. I'd be lying if i told you that i did. I know that i went to school and fell asleep in all of my classes again. And that really wasn't the best thing for me to do. You know, considering that It's school. I took my precalc final which was really easy, so there was that. Then i talked to Alix for a long time i think... i don't really remem... or perhaps it was the day that i went to Physics and ended up typing J Shook's fuckin paper cause she didn't do it in MLA format.. goddamn it... Then Something in Semiar i totally wasn't paying attention. I fell asleep during a few presentations.. yea.. that was kinda shitty of me but i don't give. I went to work that day and didn't get home until midnight. I don't know if i did anything with dan and brandon that night, i think that may have been the day that i just went to sleep... of course after homework. I definately needed that.
Thursday: I went to school, totally sleep depraved. But i still dragged my ass out of bed. Why? Cause i had a spanish test that i totally pwnd. It was fairly sweet. Then i went to choir where, surprise surprise, i fell asleep. Great nap by the way. I didn't do my geometry paper so i didn't turn that in and we had the open ended which was really really hard... damn. I fell asleep afterwards of course. And that was relaxing. And then i went to physics. Oh kistlizzle. All we did was lab work. Me and shook caught up with everyone else and now i feel only oodles caboodles better about my situation in that class. And then i went to work. And that totally sucked. But then i went out. I don't remember where, or when, or even who i saw... but i don't think that i came home.
Friday & Saturday just kinda went by. And that was good enough for me. Filled with last minute shopping and a great lot of nothingness. I don't remember sleeping... i don't remember that much of anything.
Sunday: It was christmas and nothing was new. Excpet that i was not remotly excited. And i still can't remember anything that great about it. Sure i got a cell phone.. whoopdee doo. It was long overdue and ended up not costing my parents a damn thing after the rebate. Happy nondenominational holiday indeed.

iT'S BeEn a bAd DaY, aNd aLL i wanT tO Do iS LoOk AT yOu ANd kNoW i'M oKaY

I love how i am updating this yet again. I don't really have a lot of things better to do, i mean i do, but i don't feel like doing them. confused? I didn't think so.
Dan closed down his blog this past day and i commend him for it. It really was a beautiful thing to leave unmarred. A bookmark in his life. Like a chapter that has ended yet has hits of reffering back to that text. I mean, where did i enter the picture, right in there somewhere. And i am in no way going to be forgotten. Please! I am better than that, you know it, don't lie to yourself. End!
I love this poem. I must have read it ten thousand bagillion times. And everytime i put it up as an away message i have to read it once more. It's just one of those things that i can't let go of. Read it for yourself:
I'm Dancing", by: Sara Ray
I'm dancingCan you see me as I waltz in the courtyard? I'm balancing on the brink of tango I know you won't join me in my make believe A world where I can feel the glass slippers, and taste the rose's stem But at least watch me, watch me now, watch me free I am wild, untouchable, undiscovered I am yours, or could be I am alone and the dance is silentI hear the music, as do you Won't you come out from behind the wall Come onto the floor Twirl me round dizzy Lift me high above this earth Let me rest in your arms and be guided by your eyes Let's Mambo and Swing and Charleston You'll never forget the steps You've never forgotten me Do I trip you up sometimes? No, I figured not So come out of the shadows Where you stand so silent Where you contemplate me, and my reason, and my ballet You question my smile my ambition my curiosity And I wonder why. I'm only dancing.
I want that to happen... whoops, left the ittalics on. But yea, i really wish that would happen to me. I sometimes feel that someone has stood in the shadows silent and contemplated me. I don't understand why. I am only dancing... I will never be able to explain what those words mean to me. Quiet understanding and someone so nailing the way that you are without ever really knowing you is one of the greatest things to feel. I only wish i had that kind of effect on people. Maybe someday. I am still waiting.
The end of this week cannot come fast enough. The only thing that i dread is the thought that i have a ton of shit to do and the culmination of that falls on me next weekend... hmm.. bad sign? I think i am reading into it a little much. The best thing though, will be the sigh of relief i will let out when the time is over. I mean, i am only two papers, five tests, one project, a study guide plus six more a speaking and writing final away from relaxation. Yea... stick a lump of coal up my ass for this week and by christmas we will have a 25 fucking karot diamond. Plus work on top of all of that.. damn i am bitchy!! hehe. It really wish i was feeling more pressure than this.. i fear that my grades may be in jeopardy!
And here is the thing that i come back to time and time again, why do i need to have straight A's? What is the thing that drives me to do this? Is it really so bad that i don't have a 3.975 GPA? not really. there is nothing wrong with that and still, here i am and i will be fretting over this nonsense for another year or so. If i want to go to purdue i am in, if i so choose IU i'm in.. what is the big deal? Maybe i want to go far away... isn't that what everyone wants? If i could go to UW my freshman year, you bet your sweet ass i would be there in a second. Maybe that is what it is. I dream of a better farther away place. But i am perfectly content to stay here and not feel so shitty. Ahh the dream of a beautiful place far away in the mountains. Then i know that everything would be okay.
Do you ever have the feeling that tomorrow has the potential to be one of the worst days of your life? I am starting to get that now. School all day, and then work until ten. And i miss everyone a lot. And i miss all the fun i used to have. Where did that go? Sucked up into the vaccum of school. At least i won't be vegging on the internet this week. College finals officially start tomorrow for some of my dearest friends. And that totally blows, but at least they will be over in a week... *sigh* i just want to fast foreward through this time in my life... it will be better in a week. That's all that i need to tell myself.. one week... one week...
Until then... i think that i am going to head out into the wild wilderness that is life... it's been a bad day, there will be many more to come in the coming days. Ten to be exact. All i want is to look at you an know i am okay. But i cannot see you behind those paines of mirrors. My face is no comfort, it only tells me what i must face still. I do not want to look into the near future. The tasks that are at hand. I want to look over the mountains and feel that i have traveled. That i have loved and that i now may rest my head on your chest and take delight in each breath not gasp for more air. I want to sleep and know that no morning waits to challenge my existance and i can let my hand release to stop cramping... to stop fighting.. i wait for that sweet release.

sO... i tHinK i'M iN LovE. aNy tHouGHts?

It has finally been declared a snow day in granger indiana. More specifically the PHM school district. I know that if they had any choice they would have gone with the 2 hour delay, but thank goodness that the nixed thoes last year sometime. Ah school board, you truely are a douche and i hate you with all of my heart. If they didn't control the biggest and most advantaged school in the greater part of northern indiana i would transfer tomorrow. But alas, everyother place has been ghettofied times ten the amount that pen has. When black kids in our school have at least as many as the white/india/chinese/foriegn exchange students, then i will worry. Until then, fuck it.
It's been a very lazy week. There really hasn't been much that i had to do. Teachers are starting to get that they piled on the work and are easing off not giving homework and the like so that we have even the slightest chance to get it done. And now that i have a snow day, and entire day to catch up on the everything that i should have done, i am not. I honestly don't feel like it. It's so beautiful outside and i feel like shoveling the driveway and brushing away the snow from my sweet Jojo (short for George). Plus i have the entireity of tomorrow off with not a damn thing to do. The roads are so bad i don't think i even want to try and head out to do my chirstmas shopping or anything else for that matter. Inside a nice coffee shop finishing all my necessities sound beautiful to me. F'sho.
The choir concert had been the only thing keeping me occupied this entire week. It's been really nice actually. I mean a pain in the ass, but when i am there, everything in my mind turns to good. I get to remember every shoir crush i have had my entire life. It was pretty sweet. I am ble to name them all off. First and last name. Go figure, only one of them was a junior at the time, and they go like this... Freshman year: winter: Ben Minor; spring: jacob kizor/zach meyer. Sophomore year: winter: Dan Stevenson (shit you not... hahaha); spring: John Shelly.. mmmm...
Junior year: winter: Brenton Abrham-Copenhaver. Spring had yet to be decided. But look at that history. And yes, dan was my choir crush in my sophomore year.. get over it. And if you don't understand what i mean by choir crush let me enlighten you. A choir crush is some one that you grow attracted to when in the concert time of the year. Considering we spend ample time with all of the other choir kids we start to notice that "ooh they are kinda cute, actually really cute.. oh damn...." it goes like that. The climax of the crush is usually the last concert for both times. And the beauty of the choir crush is that we still have our real life crushes, and or boyfriends. And the crush never does what it so usually does in real life, crush the life right out of you and break your heart... the crush only lasts for the concert and then is over. It wasn't real, it was just like that thing, if you were stranded in an island with one person of the opposite sex, day after day, no matter how stupid that person is, they look pretty good... Hizzah to choir crushes and lets hope i can find three more so i have the complete set.
There is something that i have learned in the past couple of days which culminates the last couple of years of my life. Timing is everything. Ever answer, ever statement you make, every movement you have will forever affect someone else's life and will affect the way that they are with you. I guess you have to watch a heartbreak from the outside to see this. It happend in the last week and i could feel everything that she was feeling. I had been to the exact same place, i mean we are fuckin exchangeable and the story would remain the same. But watching it from the outside and being able to rationally look at what he was doing and what she was doing, just made me realize how horrible that is. I never saw heartbreak until i saw it from the outside. I don't ever want to follow blindly. That is the worst thing ever. But i am forever going to be careful about the things that i do and say to all of those that i may potentially love in the future. Not just as lovers, but as friends. Every little bit matter and for everyone who tells you that is doesn't, they just don't watch what they do and know they are crushing everyone around them. I am aware now.
I haven't done much. I haven't changed much. But i think that something has. I don't know. Nor do i want to know what happend. But is it any wonder that i had a dream last night and things were going in reverse but not? Let me explain. Everyone's appearane was reverting to how it was nearly a year ago, but life kept moving foreward. People would make references to their hair and say "it' almost back to normal" but we aould move foreward in what was going on in life. I don't know why that happend. But i like the idea of stability and moving back to good. It's a beautiful thing to be needed. I like that feeling, a lot. I have this other feeling. This kinda always good feeling... i don't know what it is. But i think i may be in love... i know i know, i don't know what real love is. Then will you please classify what the hell this might be? Cause i think it's real. It doesn't have to be returned again, but, it's nice to know i have some clarity.

tHe GiRL in The cORneR stArinG aT ME wiTh No EyeS

It seems like i only update this thing on sunday. Why is that? Because the world slows down on a sunday and i am able to sit back, reflect, and understand how everything went during my week. I do hate the idea of sundays though. They have to be the worst day of the week for all people (except maybe die hard christians such as those who attend the GCC, which also means die hard republicans). But for college partying kids who were far too drunk last night, it is one day to recover from a hangover before classes, one that is completely wasted. For those who simply pulled an all nighter and find themselves now feeling so tired they want to pass out have to somehow find a way that they make it to their eight o'clock class tomorrow. And for all of the "good" kids, it is one more day that they sleep in to treasure this little tease of the weekend, for they can't go out and do something fun because there is homework they have neglected thus far in the weekend and now they scramble to put their academic self who has greatly deteriorated back together again. I, will not try however, i am done with trying, i am simply going to coast until finals. If i try and work my ass off, i'll be really mean and pissed off and i am not seeing the necessity for it anymore, in all honesty. So here i am on a sunday, updating something that may seem worthless, but will mean more to me in twenty years than all the calculus i took.
This week i was obsessed with the song red right ankle, by the decemberists. I wasn't as taken with it initially as i am now because i think every great song takes some time to realize that. But all of it is immensly beautiful and maybe a lot of you are like, "wtf? it's just a song, and not even one of the best by the decemberists, or any other indie band for that matter" Well, what is a song supposed to do? The same thing that a poem s supposed to, you can think about what it was that the writer was trying to get at. What specific circumstance were they talking about, or you could try and figure out, how does that relate to me. For some songs, i try the first method, but for all, i go with the second. This is the mark of a truly great song to me. When you can get the person listening to cry because it made them think about thier own life in a perspective kind of way. And the last verse, which i write here so it will never be lost goes as such:
This is the story of the boys who loved you, loved you now and loved you then. Some were sweet and some were cold and snubbed you. And some just layed around in bed. Some may crumbled you straight to your knees, did it cruel, did it tenderly. Some had crawled their way into your heart tearing your ventricles apart. This is the story of the boys who loved you. This is the story of your red right ankle...
And i love it, cause i think it relates to me in a way that no song ever could. It just kind of encompases all of the heartbreak there is and ever could be. Bravo Decemberists, Bravo.
The other night i had an awesome conversation with dillon on indie rock. The only problem is that he tried to tell me that The White Stripes were indie. I think not sir crazy dillon. Please people, think about it! Maybe their first album, maybe, but they are so main stream. I would call them alternative if nothing else. Because why? Because i said so, they don't give me the same feeling that true indie artists like the decemberists, wilco, andrew bird, bright eyes, ect. It's not the same, it never will be. So white stripes=not indie. Let's just leave it at that. By the end of the conversation i had him on the right track anyhow so it doesn't seem to matter too much. He has heard a lot of the same stuff that i have and actually a few i haven't. Of course, i had a few he had never heard of either... he's never heard the trapeeze swinger! Man, i am starting to think that you have never heard about life if you haven't listened to that. I know it's not true, but i can't imagine my life without it. Sometimes i find that playing in the back of my head... mostly when i think of summer...
Which is long gone as i can see by the snow on the ground... and i miss it. I am allowed. I don't dwell, but i am allowed to miss it. And that song was kinda the anthem of the summer in my eyes. There were others, but none that i heard that frequently, none that made me look around and see what was really important. It's you, no it's you, no it's us. I'ms really glad they they decided to include me in their lives when it was one of those crucial points. I mean, if they had all snubbed me, i wouldn't know them at all, and their would be no reason to think of them. I'm sure i would prolly be thinking of, my old friends from eigth grade if it wasn't them, but i don't think that would be very good because my friends in eigth grade are so different, i wouldn't even recognize them in the hallway. And from this i realized something, friends come into our lives at all the right times and when they leave it is always the wrong time. I am better friends with some people i have known since the fourth and fifth grade and i could talk to them for hours. Then those that i met in eigth grade of even my freshman sophomore year i can't say more then hello, act crazy for a few hallways and then go off to my respective class. There just isn't enough to go on. History is the thing that makes a friendship. Acquating myself with as many people as possible to try and find the right ones doesn't make any sense to me. I have a history with heidi, i have more than a history, i have a whole life there! As with all my other friends, i have been building. All of my greatest friends in the world, i have spent countless hours logged just lazing about and talking to them when there was a lot to talk about and even some time when there wasn't. Is it any wonder that i have this idea in my head (although it seem hidden sometimes) that i think the true friendships i formed over this summer will last me at least seven years. Why seven? Cause that's me and heidi, and we keep going strong. But the summer seemed so long and although i knew them only a month and 12 days before they left for purdue, it felt like a year. I have hope, this gives me hope, for a future.
I thought about everything for a while and actually had this amazing dream last week where me and brandon went in on this lotto ticket together and we won something like eight million dollars a piece (after taxes and getting it in a lump sum) I dropped out of highschool and got my diploma and i left for seattle. I of course had everyone up for one last huge party and goodbye. So i left and i would fly back down to purdue every once in a while and catch up, go to a party and leave. People would ask me how college was and i would just reply, meh, it's alright, i'm just not there half the time. And everyone would laugh and i wouldn't say anything else. I left and didn't come back for a month and called scott, brandon, and dan and told them that they had to come out and see this place becaues it was too amazing for them not too anymore. I agreed to pay dan and scott's passage, and they took the week off of classes and stayed with me. I had decided to buy a house on campus (if they don't exist, they do in my dreams) and i shared it with two other girls who payed me rent, cause it was a pretty sweet house and i am not that nice. I used the money to buy crap for people at purdue, cigarettes, beer, pizza, condoms, ect. The girls stay at the dorm for a week cause i tell them that their next months rent will be free if they do. I take them around campus and most people say hi to me, i am fairly well known on campus. They love it of course although i am sure that scott is the most taken with the view of mount rainer from the steps of the campus by the library, it really is beautiful. But we return to my house and we see the girls in passing and they invite dan and brandon to their dorm room to get acquainted and listen to music or something, so they go. I sit and talk to scott for a while and this guy comes in who is my boyfriend. I have good taste in dream men. But he comes in and starts talking about the museum in Japan on WWII and how he is worried because there is this one part that the Japanese are disagreeing with and he has to go and solve the issue. He asks me to go with him and i told him not this time. He agrees considering i had already done so much. Then scott gets interested and asks what he is talking about. And my boyfriend says didn't she tell you? She did all the research for this wing of the museum and has done a fantastic job negotiating with the Japanese, she is a masterful speaker. He gives me a kiss and then tells me he'll see me later in the week and that he hopes to meet my old college friends. Scott asks me about the research and i tell him that i went to Japan for interviews with war survivors and learned a lot of the language while i was there. Then i was flown back to the states to recieve a translator and went to Germany. I was there for nearly a month ( i had flown back once to visit them at purdue and then my family, his mom and dad, and brandon). Then i went to ireland, scotland, and whales. That was a little treat to myself for doing all this work. That is when i was gone for the month stretch. I lost tracker of time. Scott was kinda pissed that i went all these places and didn't tell him, let alone not take him. Which is when i told him the university had paid for all of it. Even the irelad scotland and whales portion. He was a little befuddled. Then i let the bomb drop, i went and saw his relatives in germany. He was livid, he hadn't said anything, just the look on his face said it for me. I said that they were the sweetest people i had ever met and they wanted scott to have this since he was the last knevels ever. It was a ring, go figure. He just looked at it and expressed his hurt that i had done so much and had not even gotten a postcard or anything from me since i left for college. Visits, were nice, but not a mention of how my life was going or that i had travled all around the world, nothing. And i apologized but said that it was my life, i didn't have the time or the energy to catch them up on everything all the time. And that he hadn't exactly asked about it when i did see him. He wanted to know if he had to ask out right if i had been to japan to get a straight answer. I said no, but how many times had he called me since i had left? How many efforts did he make? Little or none. Everytime i was the one who made the call. He said there had only been about two of those. Still two more than he even tried to make... and then i woke up.
I hate it that that dream ended on such a sour note. It was such an awesome dream and i loved the way that my life had seemingly turned out. But it made me think (i know, oh no, here she goes again) the way that scott was thinking, is me. They could have gone to Japan and Germany and back and i would have never known. They are out there seeming to have an adventure that i can't and am jealous. They have been able to move away from the nothingness, the already explored territory and i cannot. I am bound here and the only thing i want to do is get out. I am hypocritical in the way that i defend my homeland, but only because if i admit that there is nothing here and it really is useless then i fear that no one will return and keep me company. It is really for a selfish purpose. And i do so hate that when i drive down McKinely past the hummer plant i think of ian, and when i see a 5/3 Bank i think of scott. Don't even get me started on Steak n' Shake. I hate how every street has a memory and i love it just the same. I love being reminded of the great time but hate the emptiness i then feel knowing that they have departed to a bigger life. They never left me, but my heart won't listen sometimes and i then feel abandoned and get pissed off about it. It still happens in short bursts, but i know that is just a part of life. I'll learn to deal with it, and conceal it, and make everyone feel good about it. But i am no magician and this will be no quick change act.
I have to go perform with the morris in a little bit. First i think that i will go to the chocolate cafe. It really is a nice place. I should apply for a job and see if i get accepted. It might be a fun thing to do, screw with my old boss a little bit... tiddle... I really want to crawl back into that sweet little bed of mine and continue my small mini dreams that confuse/sadden/inspire/make me happy. I don't know what it is about those dreams, i just can't get enough of them. But right now i am looking at all the artwork i did in my inspired period this fall... there is a girl there, right in the corner, so dark and she has no eyes. I can feel her staring at me. Or wishing she could, but you can't give those without a soul eyes, it just doesn't go like that. Happy Indicember to all, i wish nothing but the best music for you all day, week, and month around.