So tHiS is WHAt iT's cOMe to, GoODbYe ON a BLOg

Good night, good evening everyone. I just thought i would let out a little frustration out into this little blog of mine. (What else do i ever do on this thing?) (Wait, i cause trouble saying things i shouldn't, make memories, confess undying love, and a bunch of other stuff.) Tonight is definately bitch post though. I got the warning on there. If you don't like it, fuck off. In the nicest possible way!
Friday: So the day after thanksgiving, me and my mom definately got into a screaming match. It was fan-fucking-tabulous. I hate her a lot. She started in on my friends again. She didn't know why i wanted to spend time with them when they are in town. May i ask, what the fuck? Did she even listen to the question? I don't know what it is that she wanted me to say. I told her since i wasn't allowed to go down to Purdue and vist them on weekends, i like to spend a bunch of time with them when home. I don't think she realizes that there are like five people i want to see and they aren't all in the same place at the same time. I told them i don't really get to talk to them on the phone a lot, and this is completely true. I told her that college is important to the majority of people, i don't really think that my friends are an exception. She proceeded to tell me, "Mayabe they have just found better things to do at school, you know, move on." She is the source of all things evil. I am now convinced. I told her that that really isn't true and i hate it when she says it. Cause as easy as it would seem to just dismiss it, it really gets to me for some reason and then i start to question my friends and i piss them off, or neglect them or try to strengthen my bonds here and completely neglect them, i basically told her that she causes a ton of uneeded shit in my life. And it really hurts me, she really hurts me a lot. Then she proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and get all pissed off and start crying and tell me that she will not take me to work anymore and "If your friends are so fucking amazing, have them tote your ass around." Thanks mom. I love you too. If she hadn't had to take my grandma home on friday, she wouldn't have taken me. Then i had to call my dad to pick me up from work, cause she wouldn't do it. Bitch... She wouldn't take me to work again today. I had to have brandon take me, and i asked scott to pick me up. I feel like, stupid. And i feel bad for asking for favors. But since scott forgot me and cristina took me home, i don't feel too bad about asking him, but now i feel bad about asking cristina. I don't know. She needs to get over it. But that wasn't all. Then last night after i got home from work she yelled at me and told me something else. I don't know. I try to stop listening to her. I do remember that she said i come and go as i please. (she loves to tell me that a lot, she told my sister that a lot too...) And i said i am actually home a lot of the time, just in my room. She said yea, everytime you are home, you barely say two words. I said, i never talk to you because you always get made at me. Not matter what i say. I just stop talking to you so i don't piss you off anymore. See, i started talking to you this morning and what did i do? Now you are not going to help me go to work and not pay for my car (yea, she won't pick up the bill for the car anymore either.) So, i just yes... i hate this MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE!! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!
Ahh, that feels a lot better. Oh wait, only one thing left. Like i said, scott was supposed to pick me up tonight, but didn't. I'm over it. But because i had to come back to my house, my dad told me, i didn't need to go out (my curfew wasn't for another hour). I said fine, but i want to have the guys over for a couple hours cause it is dan's birthday tonight. He said, NO. I asked him why? "You can take one night off". Sonofabitch. I go to work all fucking day and the moment i get home i get the "don't have a social life". I told him that everyone was leaving again tomorrow and that unless by some miracle i get them to get up and go to breakfast with me, i won't see them until christmas. Not that far off, but i have a present for dan, and i would like to see scott for more than what, an hour, maybe two? And it never hurts to see dan more. That kid is like alcohol, you can never have too much.... Or something like that... But yea, no, i can't see them. He said "i don't need to see them every night..." wow, i don't think that my parents could know me any less. But they seem to impress me more as time goes on. So i will be working tomorrow from nine to six, won't see my friends, don't get my car back for another two weeks, about the time i will see them again, and hmmm... i wonder what else could go wrong.... i thought of a few things, my parents might possibly give me a stricter curfew, make me quit my job, my grandma could die (she has been really sick lately, i can't even think about an indiana without her, i would seriously run away from home and get emancipated), and i could get hit by a bus.. wait, that would never happen. I don't ride the bus. so, i officially have no one left in this specific house that makes me smile. Damn.
The weirdest thing happend today, my mom came in and brought me twenty bucks, money for my phone, and a not that said "We need to talk". I don't want to talk. I want to sulk in my room. I want to jack her in the face a couple of time. I could name a few other choice words for her or a couple more moves of abuse. None of these things include talking to her. It's just one of those times that i think i should get to be mad. Alas, when a girl is without a mode of transporation and she can't yet run away, sometime she has to face things. I still don't want to.
That's pretty much it. That pretty much is everything. I hate my life here. At least for tonight. I don't even want to think how i am going to get to my job tomorrow. It is gonna suck to say the least. I may have to ask my G-Ma which is seriously the last thing i want to do. And i know she is just going to tell me to borrow her car, and i can't tell her no, and i can't take it. I am fucked either way. And yes i did re-read my entire post and i realize how whiney and bitchy and little kid like i may sound, but i warned you ahead of time. I think everyone is entitled to be this stupid once in a while. I was unjustly prosecuted and bitched at and a million other things. I fukcing hate everything right now (excpet my choice friends, my school, and anything that doesn't directly realate to my blood family. Cause they seem to suck.) I can't do the whole local college thing. I was thinking maybe to save money, but no fucking way. I hate it here. Oh, and did i mention I HATE IT HERE!!!
Looks like i don't get to say goodbye to the kids who are going away face to face. And i don't get a hug which is what i will be missing the most. Damn... oh well... two weeks. I am not worried. But finals are ahead.. sonofabitch. All i can say is fuck it right now. I will talk to all of you soon. Promise i'll be calling, it's more like a threat. hehe. Ahh, i am just going to curl up for a nice nine hour nap and get ready to work my ass off some more. Work Schedule includes, monday, tuesday, wednesday this week. And choir practice on sat and concert on sundad which is why she couldn't schedule me. Then next week, practice, monday, wednesday, concert thursday, friday, (work on saturday), another concert on sunday. I hate choir. But if i wasn't at practice i would be working, and also making money. Yea i fucking hate choir. I am just gonna stop thinking about it. I can't or i might strangle someone. Alas, no one seems to be around. Meh, i'll find someone. Mom and dad and brother are downstairs. So many possibilities.... Oi!.
Love you muchas! Have a good time back at college kids. Hope your break was fan-fucking-tastic. I know that it was. And someday i will hear all about it... Goodnight sweetheart goodnight.
Lucky for me, dan and brandon threw snowballs at my window not two minutes ago so i was able to hug dan good bye. Hey, one out of four is better than none.

wHat i'M tHanKfUL fOr...

It's been a while since i have had the drive to update this thing. This is hard, and xanga is easy which is why, i guess, this gets so neglected. But now, it is time to stretch myself as a writer and go into detail. Too much detail. But this is a diary right? I don't think i have the heart to put this in my own handwriting so this will just make everything a little easier.
Monday: I knew that Ian was getting into town with tracker, and i knew that i would most likely not see him until tuesday. I still had my doubts that when tuesday rolled around i would talk to him. He had been hanging around with scott a loit and might i say be detatching himself from conversation with me. I don't know if it's true, but it sure as hell was how it felt. Past tense. Over and done with. Not anymore, and i am thankful for that. But it was still monday and I can't stand my house, so Brandon and i were going to go to bellavita but alas, they were not open. So instead, steak n' shake, what else? So we go and talk there for a couple of minutes and Ryan calls. He's almost back in town and is going to meet us... YEAY!!! I really miss the kids face. A half an hour passes while Brandon is on the phone with him and we wait anxiously for him to come. Everytime someone walks in the door we both turn excitedly to see if it is him. No luck. Ryan calls back and at this exact moment i turn and there standing just inside the door is scott. Right behind him is ian and what i assume to be tracker, i had never seen her before in my life. They of course take a booth in smoking and bradond talks louder on purpose to get their attention, but no, i know they are ignoring us. He doesn't think so, i know so. A lot of time passes. And i mean a lot of fucking time. I want to go over and say hello, but i can't make my feet move. Am i scared? Fuck yea i was scared. My heart was racing and i wanted to throw up a little. I knew i was going to have to talk to scott, i just didn't know it was going to be so soon. Brandon goes first. I sit there and try to do my geometry, but i can't. I can't even get a lucid thought out of my head. I decide, it's time. I walk over there and I don't remember being acknowledged. I did shake scott's hand. Ian did eventually talk to me and told me about his car and how carrie killed the clutch. Brandon was talking on the phone. I shook Tracy's hand. And then Brandon got off the phone and it was the most akward silence i have even been a part of. And i hope that it never gets that bad ever again. That sucked times ten. I don't know what brought it on, but something to something and then ian says "well you haven't been very nice to my friend mr. knevels lately" this was directed at brandon. But i said "by that standard neither have i". And it was true. I hadn't been nice at all. It doesn't matter if it was provoked or not, we were still mad at eachother when we shouldn't have been. Am i gonna say he cut me off for a while? yes, cause i think he did. but in truth it could have made things worse than they actually were. I don't know what else happend. Ian said he wasn't feeling well and put his head on the table and tracker started rubbing his back. Brandon said my whole body shuddered. I guess i am not a good a hider as i thought that i was, at least not when it counts. I did stay despite my need to run, and i am proud of myself for that. I did eventually look at the clock and go and grab my geometry stuff from the table and go back to scott and ian's table. I looked at scott and he looked at me for a while. Kinda a staring contest of sorts. He said "i'm looking at you". I said "i know". He asked me "is there anything you have to say?" I didn't really know what to say, he caught me off guard. There were a million things i wanted to say, but all i stammered out was "goodbye, i'll see you tomorrow" "that you will" i even got a sort of smile. And another handshake. I gave ian a half hug and a condolence on the car. The entire drive home, i went through the play by play, heard some of the stuff they said to brandon, and how much i just wanted to turn around and fix this. I know i had the power and now i had the drive. Then when i reached my door, i didn't know what to do. The combination of them are the safety net that i use the most. I have friends that i can rely on that don't include them, but these are my favorites. I spend the majority of my time with them, i have great memories with them, i don't know, they are what i am and my friends. I care for them the most, there is something about them i have not yet been able to identify, believe me i have been trying since summer, and they are my best. Whether they want to be or not, they are. I got inside my house, picked up the phone and thought about calling scott. And the only argument i had with myself was whether he would pick up his phone or not. It can't hurt to try. Three rings, and then after the next the voicemail picks up. Just before i get a hello. I told him i was sorry. I didn't go into detail, i was afraid to. But here is that detail now, i am sorry for everything. This whole situation. The way that i trust you but not enough all the time. I am sorry that i will try and not make this happen again. And i am sorry we never get to be friends and have all these great times cause something is always causing shit. I am sorry i didn't talk to you and for all of the horrible things that i did say when i got the chance. I felt hurt and i am sorry. We agreed that this whole friendship in peril thing needs to not happen again for a very very long time. Never would be sufficient i think. So that was that. And everything was well. and i even got a "I hope to see you a lot more this weekend" that's all that i ask.
Tuesday: Passed and sucked a very little. I was so excited that dan got hom at ten that it almost flew. Then the best thing, i ask michele leslie for a ride (no that wasn't it) and as i walk to door c, i see this kid and this other kid and i know them but i have to do a double take, it was ian and scott! I just walk up to scott (ian was in the midst of talking to whitney) "what are you doing here?" i don't remember if i got an answer or if i just got a hug. I don't care. I'll take it either way. I did ask for a ride home, and i was told i was fat.. mmm, i totally got a ride. This was prolly a good thing cause my ride at this moment was thirty feet away and i was not going to try and catch up. So after a little bit they went into the school furhter and went to see teachers. We spilt up in true scooby gang fashion and i went with scott and ian went with tacker. We walked aroudn the hallways, scott made random noises as kids passed, i was pushed into a window with a teacher inside, she didn't even notice. I pushed him into a locker, he freaked out that the robotics was locked and Langfelt had already left. I will say this, i have never seen him look more excited in my entire life and i even saw him look a little like a kid. Past that, we went to the fitness center because Anadon was up there and scott called ian on his cell so ian could see him. Came up, they talked, i talked a little to tracy yada yada yada, we leave. Scott asks me if i need to be dropped off i said i don't care. We go to bella vita, and i am told to "get a fucking cup of coffee" so i do. We sit, talk, i lie down, i get up, we leave. They go outside for a smoke. Scott makes a crack about me locking my keys in my car i hit him, everyone laughs, i come to a general concensus, yea.. i missed them. It's a little chilly, after a while, i aclimate, but tracy is from florida and she has this disease where the blood doesn't flow properly to her feet and hands. Damn. After about two smokes a piece they get in the car. we are going over to ians house, i don't think i am allowed there, and then scott gets a call that dinner is in like a half an hour. He drops ian and tracy off and takes me home. This encounter has been so much less akward, for this i am thankful, and eveything is back to good. Get to my 'hood, he turns the car and i fall one way, damn syntriphiocal force! (shakes fist) Bastard laughs too!! I was just jealous i couldn't do it. I grab my shit, i get a huge hug and i squeeze him till he makes a bleahghiajk kinda noise, ahh just right! Then i get in my house and take a nap.
Technically Wednesday: I wake up and try to do homework to no avail and just sit down to watch Conan until Dan and Brandon arrive, like they promised me they would. So, yea i call brandon and he tells me a little of the night's events. He and Scott had gone to Bella Vita and then they went to get dan and went to steak n' shake where they were met by ryan and ian & tracker. They hang out for a while and then scott gets a call to hang out with laurie and katie so he goes and tells brandon he may stop by later. Then he says they are here and i run out and give dan a huge hug hello. He got taller, i don't care what people say, he totally got taller.
*>>Side Note: I am listening to "Time Consumer" right now and i remember when i listened to this is summer. I was getting ready to go over to ians for the second night. I was straightening my hair and singing along to it in the mirror. And i was thinking and kinda hoping that this time would be as fun as the first time. Wow was i undersestimating things. If you really want to know check the August i think 14th post. something like that. It's just a great memory, the whole thing... the whole fucking thing... :End of Side Note<<*
Besides the tallness he and his music abilities are only getting better with time. I was kinda blown away with all his new material. My absolute favorite was "Quite Unique". It was awesome. The guitar part was just magnificent. Like whoah! I don't know, i almost cried and it was fabulous. They were all really good, i just love his music and everytime he plays for me i realize how much he really needs to release a CD so that i can listen to it over and over again. I need you now more than i ever did. They stayed over, he showed me face book. I saw pictures of tom and caitlin and a girl named Maggie who has a thing for scott. Maw*. It was so much fun, but considering i still had school, i had to kick them out and take my two hour nap.
Later that Wednesday: I went to school and i had to wait for brandon to pick me up from school, like i really care he was late. Psh no. So we go over to dan's and i see Srgt. Foxtrot again. I missed that crazy cross eyed cat. We hang out and talk for a little bit. And then he has to go to work. I did talk to his mom a little while i was there and i do like her. I was a little worried that she didn't like me, but whatever. I'm over it. So dan went to work and on our way out of the developement i say Mrs. Patterson and doug outside so i went and said hello to both of them. Gave Nancy a hug* woot! then i went home and decided to take a nap. Ian was busy with dinner then church, so i really had nothing better to do. I woke up and txted him twice so now i am completely out of money and the only thing you can do is txt me... i think.. I really need to get money for that phone.
Even Later That Wednesday: I wake up and find a txt from ian. Long story short, he came and got me. I remember driving over the bridge on beech and telling him exactly how i felt. How i feel. Wait for everything evil in you come out. It's kind of a stunned silence feeling that i got in return. I couldn't help smiling and laughing to myself at how pathetic i must really come across. And how incredibly too late it was that i figured this out. I even mention the way that we seem to have impecably bad timing. He agreed. I knew he had something going on with tracker. Not because i am just that perceptive, but i have been told, so i wasn't really in a shock there. I don't know exactly what it was that i was expecting or what it is that i wanted to come of making such a remark as that, but i did it. I guess it was the not knowing how he felt that drove me to do it. At first, it didn't seem to hurt that he gave me the old, wrong time wrong place line, it seemed right. I know it's the truth. It's just hard to hear that someone likes you BUT... the but is what hurts. I don't even remember if he told me he still liked me... Think of all the things we put him through. I can't make a noise that embodies what feeling it is that i have. Plain and simple as that. I guess i could totally move on. Oh wait, i found a flaw in that solution, i don't want to. Besides this feeling that just has fully developed in the last 14 hours of sleep that i had i was fine. I will always be friends if nothing else. If nothing else. Whomever created the idea of distance and long distance relationships that don't work, yea, i will fucking kill them... I will move past this. Just give me a four days. Thurs, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... yea four. The great thing about this is i don't think that any of my friends in town have internet and hopefully they won't find out this until they are back safe in their little dorms. Oh Dear God, I don't feel alive. We did go to Nick's Patio and he had a smoke and felt better. I had a smoke and i felt better. And i talked to him. For only an hour. I found out that he really isn't impressed by the college life. Well not so much the life as the classes. Talking to him, i think that he is more honest with me then i ever gave him credit for. He will talk about teh way he views his other friends and anything else and doesn't censor it for my ears. But you, you know, you were my favorite. He also comes out and tells me that he is worried about me. Sometimes i don't know why, and other times it is nice that someone cares. But enough of that. I gave him a hug goodbye. I didn't mean it. And i went inside. I talked to brandon and asked him when dan and him were going to come over. They said in an hour or two. I fell asleep and never woke up again. Until about two hours ago. If it was my choice, believe me, i would have slept throught this day.
Other than that: i am just spiffy. Please don't tell me secrets. I.. don't want to make anyone upset by saying anything on this matter. I am still really happy that everyone is in town and they are all safe and that they make me smile. So i am getting all nostalgic and even the word "summer" reminds me of a thousand things at once. I smile and cry and laugh and throw up and pee my pants all at the same time. It's a great feeling. I promise. Someday we really will have great timing, or we will have no timing at all. I will time something with someone someday. It doesn't have to be soon, cause in all honesty if you didn't get it from before i am still hung up on ian a little. It's a short weekend and then christmas will be here soon. I am going to be okay. We are all going to be friends, and i am still going to have so much fun with them while they are in town! Woot! Dear Mariah, the worlds not big enough for the both of us when we live in the same town! Wow, yea i need to get away from this computer. I think i am gonna go take a nap. Pick at the turkey a little... haha yea right. I totally called it too. I knew that if i ate i was going to get sick again. I gotta give that shit up. My right eye has done shed a tear. I guess there is only so much that you can share with an internet blog. The rest has to be kept all inside. It's better that way. Right? I really just don't want to dwell on the subject anymore because i don't want to make anyone upset. With me, or think that i blow things out of proportion, and this is an honest fear. so please don't call me out on it. I swear it won't happen for a very long time. Smiles staged in photographs. You, you left the light on.... I'll lay awake for a while.

JeaLouSy, AnGer, AnD sWEEt PaRanoiA... TheSe aRE a feW oF MY faVoriTe thiNGS

Okay, so here is the deal. I don't know what to think. I am getting comflicting views surrounding the same subject and i can't stop thinking about my problems. The problem with this? I don't have time to be self indulging in all that could be going wrong. I don't have time for all the paranoia. Even if i know it as truth and it isn't just hearsay anymore, that won't ease up on my mind. I have a test tomorrow. One that i can't simply bullshit my way through. This isn't a math or science thing. This isn't logic. This is english, writing, explaining, delving deeper into the minds and seeing past what is plainly in the text. It requires deep thought and honestly, if i am being consumed and having my mind wander all the time, there is really no way i will be passing. This affected my last paper and if it gets to my test, i will be royally fucked to the max. I think that maybe this goes just a little beneath my skin. I always thought i knew my place. I always believed that i would have a place, and then one day you realize someone has stolen your name tag and taken over what wasn't even yours. How shity is that? I hate the idea of jealousy, but what i hate even more is being told not to be jealous. It is such a normal human emtion. Fuck everyone else because in know you have been jealous if you aren't jealous at present. And the thing is, i am most irratonal now. Not for anyone else. No one. What the fuck? May i just put that out there. No on is more surprised than me i gauruntee you. I can't sleep. I really don't want to. I am going to die. Work tomorrow. Pre-Calc work i haven't done. It's all just one thing or another. This really isn't as hard as i am making it out to be... right? I don't even know. all i can think is that i am staying up for no reason at all and just hoping. For no reason at all. Everyone feels the same things all the time. And i know that is happening now, i am just needing to find that person who is thinking like me and find them. god damn i need to find them. Talking is super fun, but i really want to just have a done and over with conversation. One that gets everything that is stagnant in the back of my mind, flowing and out of my system. God, i would be too tired even if i got my chance, but i still can't go to bed. No, it's really not going to happen. Oh! Why? Hmm? Why? I don't understand what it was all about! Where do i stand? Where do i fit in in this picture? Why did i go to purdue? Better question, why can't i go there all the time... If only....

LaSer sHinE piErCE LikEN

I can't believe it is already (techinically) the third of november. I don't like to admit that the year has gone by this quickly. Already i was making resolutions and soon after, i was breaking them. I think of all the things i set out to conquer in this year and realize how i have done nothing that i planned. I did not one thing. I also realized that i planned, very, very ,very far in advance and the imediate future i basically left up to chance. Goals at beginning of year, hang out with friends, lose weight, continue my process of becoming a doctor, maintian all of my A's. It was really a quite shallow list. Reason being, i am a quite shallow person. If you like to say, i bring "the unnecessary drama" to the table. It's nothing really new for me. Nothing i didn't already know, but something i don't like to openly admit. I like to think of it more this way. There are no static characters in life. Everyone is dynamic. No one is the same throughout their ENTIRE life. At least i don't hope so. Everyone goes through phases, and for some, those phases are intense. Especially towards the end of their adolencense and when they come in to adulthood. Maturity is not based on an age, but completely on the individual person. I don't think i am mature, but i think i am getting there. And more than anything i am clinging to the immature, stupid, retarded person that i was. That immaturity that embodies also all of my inoscence. To be innocent is to be ignorant. It is bliss. Try and remember a bad time in your childhood that didn't involve some kind of truth coming to the light. Something you had never even thought of before. Everything bad is because of truth. At least in childhood. I remember talking in the eighth grade about the giver. That was one of my all time favorite books. I actually read it and was able to have intelligent meaningful things to add to the conversation about it. It was the book that got me into Honors English. Without proving myself on the knowledge of that books and expressing a deep and thoughtful manner in the analysis of that book, i would not have gotten the approval of Mr. O'Malley. That book was everything. It still really is. You wanna talk about the fucked-upness of human nature and the stripping down of the emotions and feelings and reasons we have them, there you go. It's everything that you need. I need to re-read that and find someone else who has read the book. Most people dismiss it as a childhood's read, i find it much more than that. And in life, it's all about your perception and the knowledge that you own. Beyond that, there is nothing. When i read over my past blog entries and my past journal entry's, i am filled with a kind of resentment towards myself. It's kind of crazy, and i really don't like it that much. Most of the time it's a "what were you thinking kind of thing" but no one ever really knows what they are thinking so it all kinda works out. Wouldn't you agree? I certainly hope so. I love pennzoni, but i have to stop spending money. I want to go to seattle, right now. I can taste it. I can smell it. I can feel the cold wind and the soft glow of the fire on my face. I remember the tightly packed sand and how you could walk miles and miles out when the tide was out. I can imagine laying in that sand and staring at the sky. I can imagine scott and brandon walking down the beach, so far out of reach that i can on make out two small dots on the horizon. I can imagine dan staying as far away from the water as he can, cause baybe, it's cold out there. I can imagine rolling over and seeing any of three faces glowing at me in the morning, mouth open, kinda snoring. Fins Scott outside smoking a cigarrette taking a pee off the side of the cliff. Maybe this isn't just in my head. Maybe it's because this has already happend and i am just back at the beginning, waiting for my glory day to come again. Life is a fucking circle anyway right? I am at the loop and i hope that i can move past it. I type with my left pinky up and i never use it. Everyone finger i use. What is so special about the left pinky? I will never know. Today the girl at work smelled of something i still don't know. It was so sweet and beautiful that is put me in pain. So sickeningly sweet and longing to know what it was that smell was. I still haven't figured it out. I was hoping to finish my homework and do another draft of my paper. Seems i am not even going to finish my homework. Go figure. I do the same thing day in and day out and there is never any variety to my life. I feel as though i have worn myself a rut. Even the worries and misgivings have all become the same sad affair. I never go to sleep these days. And then in the morning, when it is time to go, all i can want is to stay in that bed. Why to people have deep thoughts? What makes that such an important part of living. Our only purpose is to procreate. We are here to have sex and die. Everything is just a part of that journey to copulation. What are the things that make it hard, and what are the things that make life easier. When do the thoughts jsut pour out of you and you know you are satisfyed? Do you really think that someone could go one forever talking and talking and asking questions and making your mind explode? What leads people to hold grudges, and admit to things they don't want to? Why to people deny the truth? What do they get out of it? What to people get for telling the truth all the time? What does it matter if someone loves you and you never hear it from their own lips? Does it mean that you were ever loved at all? Why is it that in a time of crisis, the best thing to do is cry? Because that always feels good. I read somewhere, that we cry away our sins. All of the bad flows from our eyes and we are clensed. Why? Why our eyes? Because they are the windows to the soul? Maybe, if you believe in that sort of thing. And i do. I think that if i look into the eyes of a person i can tell what they are feeling, who they are thinking about, where they are... this is why no one ever looks me in the eyes anymore. And why i try not to look into their eyes. The truth is painful and ignorance is bliss. I am not as good a friend as i was made out to be. That wasn't in the plans, but here we are. And i can't go back now. There is not drawing board, there is not brainstorming. Damn. When people say they aren't going to change the person that they are, for anyone, i really think that means that they already have and that they can do anymore, it already is too much of a burden. Do i think that i am a burden? I think too much of myself. I am a truly selfish person as i think that everyone might be. I am really paranoid, i think that is totally hereditary. It's so warm and i want to fall asleep. I could do it, i could go to sleep and find myself in the morning. I need a day off. This after i just had four of nothingness. I am the leader of my group and they said they would be lost without me, yet i do believe i may be the only one who has not completed the task that i assigned myself to do. This should be easy, and yet this should be incredibly difficult. I want to have an A. I really understood watergate. I always raise my hand in that class. I always do in geometry too. Why don't people try? What is so hard about trying? Why do people get so angry so quickly? I think i would rather have a person who is pissed off about anything and everything than someone who never gets upset. Someday we will see her again. Or we won't. Either way, she as loved. She is loved. She will always have a home in here. Sweetpeas are the only fragrance. It's so easy at two in the morning to remember all of the good times. And all of the kind words. There is something to gentle and easy about the night. And other times, it is so cold and unwilling to budge. The day is full of laughter or full of bright sensless talking. Inscessant. Headache. I want the six and sevens to live in perfect harmony, but i don't think dr. seuss will like that very much. I kind of hope he dies. It would make my life a circle. It would let me give up all hope that this is a just and kind world and that we all have our purpose. Yes i kind hope you die. But only for a couple of days, and then i will mourn, but for only a couple of days. MMMmmmm. Amelie. Dear sweet amielie, you were too little. you were too kind. I should get my hair that short. If only the sixes and sevens lived in perfect harmony....