i KnOw yOU caN't See, i LoOk StRonG aLL togeTHer, thOuGh inSiDe i'M WeAK....

I want to know the point when you get over someone.
There are always those stupid math equations that people have invented to tell you how long it should take you to break up with someone, based on the amount of time that you have been dating, but where is that little gem of a scientific discovery for the really important things. The things that come after.
I am most interested in this, because in a faint effort to move on, I find myself only falling deeper in. Not really getting past them at all. But I continue to try every day. I am fine when I keep myself busy, but when i stop, and try and clear my mind of anything that i had been thinking about, it always ends up going back to them. I wonder how i was brainwashed into this type of life style, and am trying to brainwash myself back to normal.
I know that it is possible to get over this heartache. This isn't even as bad as when i dated scott. That was really tough shit that i had to get through. He hurt me so bad... i never thought i was ever going to be okay again. And, somehow, i always believed that we would somehow get back together, that he loved me... that in the end, it would be us.
Of course, that was a long time ago, when i was much more naive without any thought to what the real world would have in store for all that fantasy i had cooked up. And the thing is that i have no idea when exactly it was that i didn't care about scott that way anymore. I told everyone else that i was very much over him, i didn't even think about him anymore. But the truth was that i was still curious about him, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling, and a small piece of me still wanted to love him and have him love me in return.
But here i am now, i don't check his facebook hardly at all. Only when i am really bored, and it's the same way that i click from facebook to facebook with all my other friends. I can see him write to his girlfriend and genuinely feel happy for him. I'm glad to see that his life isn't filled with heartache anymore, the way that i had most selfishly wanted it to be for him hurting me like that.
So, now that i find myself in heartache again, when is it going to end?
I don't believe there is a magical calculation, I don't think there is anything that i will be able to equate that will tell me that i don't feel like this anymore.
It's not a sharp pain that keeps me from living my daily life, i find joy in my day. It's not a nagging of curiostiy either, the way that scott had been on my mind in that last months of waiting. It's a dull kind of pain, having to know that he is happy out there with someone who is not me, someone who is so not like me, that i am confused how he could say that he liked me at all. To say that he really really liked me.
He had questioned whether or not i was toying with him, and now i can't help but wonder if he is toying with me too....
I always say that becoming friends with someone before you start getting romantically involved with them is important. Unfortunately, the onel flaw with that theory is that attraction is instant. It is not something that starts to come after finding out what that person is like. It can make that attraction far stronger, or if they turn out to be big assholes, it can even make what you thought was attractive, not so. But physical attraction is immediate. It is the maker and breaker of all relationships.
I was immediately attracted to brant. I flirted instantly, because it is my nature to flirt, it is the way that i communicate, and because i thought he was cute. As i grew to know him better, it only increased the way that i felt about him. I got very comfortable with him as a part of my life. Talking to him, generally just being around him. I would tell myself that I didn't like him, in effort to perserve the friendship and because i didn't want to be in a relationship, because i generally don't like the idea of cutting off all of my other options.
And the thing is, that that is exactly what i did with scott. I hid how i felt about him, told him that i liked him, very openly, and while scott did not have a girlfriend, he also turned me down. Saying that we could be friends.
But i could not make it work. I could not hide how i felt about him, and while i did have some meaningless encounters with others, he was always at the heart, the thing i couldn't forget.
I don't want history to repeat itself in this way. I don't want to that again... i feel like it wasted my sophomore into junior year... which it would do again.
Something i guess i would like to say is that, you don't get over someone that you loved, not completely until you are heart broken again. And when i say completely i mean, wondering about the what if's, always questioning whether they were the one, when you two might get together, thinking that there could be a future.
i don't want to wonder anymore.

So ThiS iS thE NEW YeAr.... aND i don'T fEeL aNy diFFerEnT

Hello Everyone,
welcome to 2009. I want to say that this year is going to be different for all of us. I just don't know that this would be a truthful statement.
There is so much that i want to say, i just don't know that it will all come out right.
It's like one of those moments where there are a hundred things buzzing around your head and it's hard to make one lucid fact come to the surface. Too much just all wants to come out at once.
So, I began this post on a few days ago, and here i am a few days later, and perhaps a few days smarter.
Actually, the most wonderful thing seemed to happen in the past week or so, yes, i know, it has been a week since i began this post. And before i tell you the wonderful thing that has happened to me, i want to give you a frame of mind, and perhaps an explanation of what might have been going through my head during the beginning of this.
And the start of this new year, i had such conflicting emotions. I know, who would have thought? Me and conflict? But, okay, we are going to use some bold words, bear with me. I was heartbroken. I mean, pretty much most of december i spent in a funk of what am i going to do with my life? Who do i really want to be when i "grow up"? I hated my major, i let the whole semester go to hell the last few weeks, i performed the worst i ever had, and the worst thing was, i had given up.
This didn't make any sense to me. I had always been the person that fought through, the one that constantly advocated for the fight, to never give up and i had gone against my one and basic principal that kinda of made me who i am. That in itself was devastation.
Brant, someone i didn't even express any interest towards, i loved. And was seriously going to take that to a different level in which i have been terrified to take. And as i was about to come out with that little revelation, he announces that he has a girlfriend and i am blindsided. I don't want to think that my thought process was just that he would always be there for me when i was ready, but honestly, maybe i did. And when that fell away, i didn't know what to think about it.
There was that, part of my downfall. I was very emotionally torn apart by it. Not just the fact that Brant wasn't there any more, but because i was, and still am, very proud and didn't want to admit that it really hurt me that much. And after the incredibly foolish things that i did and said to him before we went on break, haunted me. I kept replaying them over and over, and saw how i was very effectively tearing apart our friendship.
Then break began and I watched all of how i met your mother. Something, that while watching it, i felt a deep emotional connection to Brant. This was something that he loved, and i started loving it too. It only solidified in my mind that we were extremely compatible with each other. But, i made that story of how i met your mother, into a story about me, and how it related to me, how it basically told my story of searching for love, although, i only use the parts that fit, and i ignore all of the parts that seem a bit off. Which, is just so characteristically me. You will see this later in this post. But i wanted himym to be the story of my life. I wanted to believe that Brant was my Robin, and even if we both couldn't see it yet, we would be together because we were so good with one another.
And while i say these things about the show, it is not the only reason that i enjoyed that show, i believe that it is made so that you can related it to your life. That there is a message that deep down most people feel, and it's that everyone wants to be in love. So many little things that Ted experiences along the way, everyone in their life experiences. And when i saw this man fighting for love, not wanting to be alone, i somehow attributed that to Brant. I built him up. I tried to explain thoughts that I have only theorized about him with this show, using Ted as his reason, making him seem better than he maybe. While i read all shows on this level, finding the things that people seem to watch for, that fantasy wish that they all want to believe in, even of themselves, not everyone does that. And he probably enjoys that show on it's most superficial level. It is a funny show where people have very catchy and hilarious catchphrases that everyone can mimic the next day, it's a mystery just waiting to find that person, that is his kids mother. He has never given me reason to believe that he enjoys this show for any other reason that those. Which is not the perfect person for me. But of course, this all just came to me in reflection of the past few days, at the time, this was one of the connections that i felt i could have with him that his new girlfriend simply couldn't.
I talked to him over break, but had to hold back all of the things i really wanted to say. I wanted him very badly, and it was hurting me. I thought about him so much, it was disturbing. And the thing that is most sadistic about this, is i didn't want him to think this, so even when i knew he was online, and i wanted to talk, i would not im him. Foolishness. Childishness too. Games, that got me into this whole mess anyway.
Talking to him felt right, felt comforting, and i would look forward to those few hours every few days, not knowing when they would be again. That went on for a while.
New Years came, and went, and i don't really think anything changed. I talked to heidi and david until 6 the next morning and only solidified further how much we were alike, the great conversations that we can have, and how all of our different knowledge compliments one another so well. They are a part of my life forever because of that, and it's something that i say with certainty. It's something we all can just mutually feel.
Following new years, i continued about my life, just trying to get by, do things as i normally would. I went out with friends, work buddies, and spent a lot of time just with my family. Making myself try and feel something else in my life was working out. I had many moments of happiness over break, but when i was alone, i coulnd't help my thoughts drifting to Brant.
And then, right before I left, literally two days before coming back to Purdue, i realized, it didn't mean the end of the world. I looked at pictures of him and just thought... no. Not for me. I love him dearly, but only as my friend. And i missed that. I was not attracted to him, not as he was. Something that he probably used to mean to me... something that is foreign to me now.
I went to T-bell that night with David, and for the first time, in the longest time we both had this vigor for life, this epiphany had fallen on both of us and we want to be better.
This is what the great change came from. I want to be a better person. Everything will come to me in time, and for now, i believe that the only way that i can be is a better person. And i want to be better in every sense of that word. I want to be nicer, i want to work harder, i want to be smarter, i want to understand more, i want to take out of my life the things that bring me down, i want to surround myself with the people that care about me, can converse with me, can be there for me as much as i am there for them.
It was a touching moment for David and i. And we were finally free and could actually feel it.
I came back to Purdue and lived the days before class with some of my new perspective. Being here again was strange, it had only been a few weeks, felt like i hadn't been gone long at all, but it feels so long now. I want the sidewalks and it's just so... old.
I am trying more so now that school started to live by my new creed. It helps that i think i might actually enjoy all of my courses this semester... though true, one of them is one that i despised last semester. But, the way that Prof. Beauodin is teaching, i can really sink my teeth into it. Chemistry had come alive for me in a way it didn't last semester. I am on top of my game, and yes i know it is only the second day, who wouldn't still be on top of their shit, most people haven't even had all of their classes yet, but I want this. I want to be a Chem E again, more maybe than ever before. And for the first time it's not because i don't know what else i would switch to, not because i am afraid to start all over with a different major, which yes, were things i thought about last semester. I want to be a ChE because i love it. I love the cirriculum, i see the necessity for the caluclations, the bigger picture.
I want to make connections with my professors, i want them to know my names, i want to feel apart of the department i major in, i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd!
I have a home at the oasis, and i love it there.
I love David, Heidi, and Evan that sometimes my heart aches that I can't be with them. But i am comforted in the fact that we are eternal, and i don't worry that right now, life has separated us by distance, but not from eachothers thoughts.
I know this is cliche, and maybe saying that sounds cliche, but i don't care because i know that in life there is a plan. There is a reason for everything, and everything happens for a reason. My life, is my life because that is the way that it needs to be. And when things happen for me, they will happen when they are ready. I don't need it all today, and i don't need it all tomorrow. I just need to be, and be happy to be.
I believe in God, for the lack of a more concise meaning, and i know that is a huge statement for me. Higher power, some over riding existance, it's there and it will put me where i need to be. And i can be mad, and i can be upset because those are the human emotion, we can't just walk around farting sunshine out of our asses. But, even with these emotions, at the heart of me, I am happy. I am at peace.
Today i sat on the couch with kenzie and paul, after going to class with them and officially making them a part of one of my greatest passions on campus watching scrubs.
Elliot and JD finally got back together. For real this time i believe. And the thing that was keeping them apart was what other might think, and that was squashed by Dr. Kelso, who just said, forget everyone else and what they think, just do what makes you happy.
And i look at their relationship over the past 8 TV years, and it has been a turbulent one. We have seen many ups and downs, seen them with many different people, and while yes, i know, it is just a TV show and writers have the power to make the happy ending, but i believe that it will happen. Perhaps with someone i know, or someone i might meet in the near future.
Sitting on the couch after that classic TV moment I felt so happy. From the inside out. I am exactly where i need to be. So comfortable in my station at the moment. Sitting there with my Organic, reading, looking up some things for my ChE class with paul and kenzie on the other couch, both so into what they were doing, it felt like home. I could have stayed there and enjoyed that moment for a good long while. I wonder if sometimes i enjoy their company too much, and then i just shake my head and tell myself no, they are the best things i have here. And there is a reason for them too. They too make me grow and stretch and be the better that what i am. And true, they also test me on that at times too.
My life is so full of life, people, that stretch and continue to grow. People that aren't even here, that I just met this past semester. Matt, I miss him from my life, my bestie of ChE. I can't wait to see him again. I love our conversations, and I hope he is someone that I can hold on to in my life.
And i want to meet so many more people. And i am going to try. Really try.
People have left my life, and i know that is with reason, and i by that same token, i take comfort in knowing others will enter for an equally important purpose.
Peace is a good look for me. It's an even better feeling.
So, this is the new year, and at first, i didn't feel any different. Because that was just man made years ending. And now my year has ended, buy by no clock or man made time cut, but my own. So here is my my new year, and I feel completely different.